thinking out loud.

A few more steps and she’d be in Heaven. Gaeul hadn’t died, no, she had simply a midnight craving and although she had tried to resist because she knew that the kilos she was going to gain would be the hardest to lose, she had found herself facing the 24/7 open convenience store before she could even realize. She didn’t know how she was going to go through the next six months of her pregnancy if she got cravings at random times during the day or night but she’d have to deal with them anyway. She was eating for two, now. 

Wandering through the aisles, she grabbed firstly a bucket of mint-chocolate chip ice cream and it was soon followed by a huge pack of marshmallows as well as the biggest nutella jar the convenience store had. Scratch that, she got two of them. A moment later, kimchi and cheese joined the other ingredients in her basket and she was about to add salty snacks when she caught a familiar face from the corner of her eyes. Blinking several times, she might have been staring for a bit too long until she finally gasped softly, her face breaking into a smile. 

Tears streamed down Gaeul’s face endlessly and she hugged the pillow a bit tighter and a bit closer to her chest as it was the only source of comfort she had at the moment - her cats were gazing at her curiously from their basket but they went soon enough back to licking their paws. Heartless kids, she had muttered at them before she blew her nose in a very unlady-like manner; she didn’t care anyway. Everything was just so sad. It crushed her heart in a million ways and she just couldn’t stop herself from bawling all the tears in her body, which was completely ridiculous, she was well-aware of it. 

When a knock at the door tugged her out of her despair, Gaeul sniffled and waddled over to her front door, her brown eyes widening slightly at the sight of the woman she was facing. “Oh--” Her eyes filled up with tears once more but she was quick to reassure her friend. “I’ve been binge-watching Disney movies all day and I’m just feeling so emotional right now. Damn hormones. And those creators! How dare they kill Bambi’s mother?!” 

“Have you seen the cherry trees blooming? Maybe we could go there and take a walk-- You know what, I’m suddenly craving for a green apple and kiwi smoothie, do you think they sell that somewhere? I’ve tasted that drink during my trip overseas and it was so incredibly good that I even dreamed about it.” Gaeul laughed into her phone that she had blocked against her ear and her shoulder while she was picking her clothes for the day. Being twelve weeks pregnant, her belly was showing quite a bit already and it was getting more difficult to find comfortable clothes - her dresses were a “no-no” and she had found out that she couldn’t stand the feeling of wearing pants. Apparently, her baby liked to feel free which didn’t surprise her at all considering her personality. 

[ text ] don’t be sorry! I am happy to have you back and alive! [ text ] and djfhdkhfd pregnant? [ text ] when? and how? I mean i know how it happens but how did it happen to you? [ text ] is it Hakyeon? Does he know? [ text ] anyway i’m on my way!

When Teddy’s phone rang he had no idea who was calling because he had just recently trashed his phone by accident. He managed to keep the SIM card but unfortunately all numbers were saved on his phone so instead of a name showing up it was only the number. He knew her number all too well of course, but he didn’t pay attention to the screen so he just stayed silent for a moment after picking up to see who it was and that he could just hang up if it was someone he didn’t want to talk to. “Gaeul?” He responded once he heard her voice and a small smile tugged the corners of his mouth upward. They haven’t seen nor have they spoken to each other in quite a while and even though he would never admit it, he missed her. “What’s up? Are you alright?”

Despite being the weekend, free day where she was supposed to rest and stay at home, Gaeul pushed the wooden door of the old bookstore open and stepped in, relishing in the sight of so many books awaiting to be read and bought. Books never failed to fill her with such happiness and comfort, it was weird in a way, that she was reaching for them more than she should be reaching for human contact and being social. At least books weren’t exhausting, they didn’t make her over-think and wonder if all of her actions would have consequences in the future - no, books allowed her to be herself with her flaws and mistakes and problems and they would just accept her in their various worlds, taking away her mind from reality and giving her a break from everything related to feelings. 

Her feet lead her to the Young Adult section although she didn’t know why it was specifically reserved for people of a specific age. Everyone should be allowed to read the books they wanted to without fearing categories, she thought, her lips pursing as she tilted her head to the side to get a better view of the titles. With a soft sigh of her lips, she stood on the tip of her toes to reach for a book that was placed a bit too high and without wearing her usual high heels, it was just impossible to get. Looking around for her, she adjusted the strap of her rainbow colored handbag and made her way over to a woman who stood with her back to her before she cleared her throat for fear to disturb her. 

Dear Gaeul, 

I have been looking through some stuff about parenting. WHAT THE HELL THOUGH? I mean, I knew this was going to be difficult and hard and have loads of not sleeping at night but…DO I really have to clean that baby’s butt? ? I’ve heard it smells worse then one of those monsters morning breath! 

okay, sorry. That was inappropriate. But do you know what I mean? I might be a bad dad. I might be not good enough. I might be fighting off those monsters that are chaising our lil peach. I might faint when you’re giving birth. But I will be there for you. 

did I say that already? I did right? 

I’m sorry. I keep repeating myself. Hah. 

I hope you’re doing fine. I hope the baby is fine. and I hope hearing from you really soon. I miss you. 

with much love, Hakyeon. 

After tidying up her place and treating herself two huge black bean noodles bowls - only three months in and she was already having cravings, she’d become huge by the end of her pregnancy and she was pretty sure Hakyeon wouldn’t stay with her if she looked like a whale - and Gaeul settled herself in bed, the demi-god’s longer letter between her hands as she read it over and over. She knew that he was trying to be here for her and the baby and she appreciated it. 

She knew it hadn’t been fair for him to disappear after dropping the news of her pregnancy on him. But no matter how much she had wanted to stay and see where that brought them, Gaeul had needed some time away - everything had been so confusing and changes were bound to happen... She still left. There were things she needed to deal with and she knew she could only do by herself. 

Days and weeks flew by until she finally had the possibility to slow down and go back to her safe haven that was her apartment. It was familiar and comforting and it took her a moment to move from the couch where she had sit down on. She still needed to get her cats back from her neighbor but all she could do for the moment was run her fingertips affectionately over the black and white picture that showed her fetus who was growing to be her child in her stomach. Beside her laid Hakyeon’s two mails and a soft sigh left her lips.