Jenny Ratmeal🐀🍴

Woof

Maybe even bark?

My voice is really coming along! 🐹

I still have to put some intention into my voice. It's not quite automatic yet, but I have mostly removed the valley girl qualities that I did not like. Now it's just about building new muscle memory.

I had an appointment with my speech pathologist. It was mostly a pep talk where she told me I am in the stage where everyone gets depressed because it feels like they didn't get the best results, but to just be patient as it will continue to improve. Especially regarding the breathiness, since I still have botox in my neck, lol.

Honestly, I would be good if this was as good as I was gonna sound, except for maybe the fact I can't yell right now.

So, hopefully my pitch and texture will continue to improve so I will feel less like I need to compensate the pitch.

Statistics:

Pitch

Average: 266.3Hz

Median: 265.6Hz

High (95th): 291.4Hz

Low (95th): 208.1Hz

Very High 31%

Female Range: 67%

As you can see, my pitch is actually too high right now! As my voice settles in, it should get easier to control my resonance. A lot of what's left is behavior. I'm so concerned about trying to pass that I'm pushing my pitch too high, when really I should be focusing more on the resonance.

For reference, how I sounded a month ago.

I got these DOC Martin's Years ago on a killer sale and they were too dang small, but I just couldn't get rid of them. I tried stretching them out and conditioning them, anything to make them fit but no luck. No matter what I just get Hella blisters.

My partner dug them out out of the closet recently so I thought I might try them on for shits and giggles.

The fucking fit. They fit perfectly.

I take a lot of selfies these days but like, such curated angles you know?

Trying to like my side profile more. People tell me it's nice but I can't help but think it looks bad and way more clock than my usual angles.

That day I found out what the OPM declared, definitely the worst of my life. If I didn't have the support of my partner and my community, I'm not sure I would have made it.

I was literally there with an IV on my arm for surgery, and they took it away from me. I was originally supposed to get vocal surgery back then in January, payed for with the insurance I worked so hard for. So that had to come in June instead, and out of pocket in Korea (15 grand in total, so like half my net worth). Not to mention I had FFS in the works, I'd probably have that done by now too, now I have no hope unless I find 50 grand on the floor or I fly to Turkey or some shit.

Bottom surgery is up in the air, but the waiting lists are so long hopefully the problem will have fixed itself by then, haha.

Whenever I complain to my coworkers about this shit, they are just like "you look good! You don't need surgery!"

They can't or won't get it. I know I look good, but lord forbid I just want see how I would look with some of the effects of testosterone removed, for shits and giggles. Of course they're like "your boyfriend doesn't mind, why get surgery? It hurts doesn't it?". Is it really so hard to imagine just wanting to have a vulva? For me? So I don't have to tuck for the rest of my life, so I don't have to start every walk with looking down to make sure my junk isn't lumpy? Like, I know they're trying to be supportive but telling me just to be fine without surgery doesn't make me feel better.

Why do I have to feel like a freak because to feel what it's like to be in alignment? Or, good god, I want to be penitrated so bad I would endure the gruesome recovery involved?

I feel ambivalent about that but I suppose it means I'm passing more often. Obviously it could all be coincidence or in my head but it feels like the voice is making a huge difference.

Some big country boy who is a contract truck driver at work has taken to calling me darlin', which didn't feel creepy or anything, just very country. Another dude, a customer, called me "doll" and he definitely did not succeed in making it not sound creepy lol. I think he wanted to sound like a suave Hollywood heart throb haha.

I went out skating today and got mildly harassed by some guy who probably did not have the cognitive assets to realize he was harassing me, but it was so worth it cuz like 3 different queer looking 14 Year olds told me I looked cool sooooo...

My partner just quadruple pierced me, now each ear has three.

Does this count as foreplay? because we are definitely about to have sex.

Holy fuck holy shit, I think the estrogen might be working

Remember ladies, if you ever feel like an ugly piece of shit and your face is sick and wrong...

Maybe you just need to trim your bangs and do your eyebrows.

It's pretty fun to feel cute without makeup.

Look at her, she didn't even know that she was gonna get misgendered 5 billion times by customers today and go have a panic attack in the supply closet

Like, having my hair in braids, with a flower, makeup, cateye glasses, very noticeable tits... Not enough for people.

Like, not a good feeling for basically the debut of my new voice to feel like it didn't help how people see me haha. It's so hard sometimes.

I looked like a dork in this picture, but a sexy one. I'm sure the other trans femmes can appreciate that at least.

There was so many pretty people. It's fun going to those trans women centric concerts and then seeing twenty 6 foot tall, lanky ass, brown haired femmes... For once I get to feel boring, like the lame common Pokémon you find in the first patch of tall grass haha.

And also they're all hugging and kissing and dancing and it's just a sight to behold.

Also I was front row with my partner, leaned up on the stage. Devi sure had fantastic stage presence.