inbetween

but that doesn’t stop me from wanting you. I understand that we will probably never get back to where we were. this time around something has changed, something is different. this time around I gave everything I could give- and it just didn’t work. this time around, I have finally accepted defeat. regardless of how much I wanted it to be you, the reality is.. it’s not going to be.

I shouldn't fight for someone who gives up on me so easily. I shouldn't want someone who doesn’t want me.

it’s like being heartbroken 

some days all you feel is numbness

other days you feel so much pain that you don’t know if it will go away

and I don’t know how to talk to people

and I don’t know what I'm supposed to do

and I know I shouldn't cry

but it doesn't stop

I know I should eat

but I have no appetite

I push people close to me away

because I cant bear to lose them too

I run away because I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me

I put on a show and pretend that I'm okay

I pretend that it doesn't kill me inside

it’s okay that I miss you 

it’s okay that I shut off my feelings

it’s okay if we drift apart

it’s okay if you stop loving me

it’s okay if you don’t want me anymore

it’s okay that I'm not okay right now

because I've been through this before

and I know that I can fix myself

I know that it’s out of my control

and most importantly, I know that it isn't my fault

I have never had to say goodbye, forever

You told me you love me

And I know it’s because you wanted to leave nothing left unsaid

And I know you are tired of fighting

And I know I shouldn’t be so selfish, but I’m not ready to say goodbye, forever.

I’m not ready to lose you

And I can’t comprehend

Why this is happening

Why do bad things happen to good people

I won’t ask you to fight anymore

Because I know you’re not fighting for yourself

I know you have made your peace and you’re ready to go

And I guess no one has the courage to tell you

It’s okay if you want to go

We will be okay

I spent over a year with someone who made me question the person that I am. Who made me feel like I was nothing. That I was lucky that he even wanted me. He constantly verbally and mentally destroyed me. I hated the person I was every day. Anything that brought me joy he would take away from me and make me feel like I was just looking for attention. He critiqued me every chance he got and wanted nothing more than for me to change into the person he wanted. A timid quiet girl that would do what she was told and would not post on social media, would not hang out with her friends, would not talk about her relationship problems, would not need anyone but him. He took away my happiness. He took away the love I had for myself and replaced it with self-doubt.

I doubted myself. I doubted my abilities. I doubted that I was a good person. He took away my self-worth and made me feel like I was useless. He broke me.

He broke me down and made me feel so insecure about myself that I believed every word that he said. I believed that no one else wanted me. I believed that he was the best I could get. I believed him because I stopped believing in myself, because I lost myself.

And every time I would search and find myself again, he would knock me down. He would make me feel like I was the bad guy, that I was doing the wrong thing, that I was the one being a crappy girlfriend.

Every time I tried to leave he would manipulate me. He would use my insecurities against me to the point where I thought I needed his validation. I needed him to stay and I should be grateful that he stayed because I was nothing.