Messy Black Queen..

I'm not mentally fit to deal with my life right now but I can't get help because that means I have to open up and let emotions I have buried for over 15 years flood me. I can deal with floods from things I experience at this very moment but I don't have a back strong enough to carry the hurt I have kept in a small box my entire life. All I have known is to shut up and keep it together. I spend so much time alone because I tell myself that nobody can hurt me if I keep myself isolated but the pain always finds me. I accept my pain and all the bad things that come my way because I believe I'm a bad person so that's what comes with my character. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a moment without worrying about it being taken away the next day. I'm comfortable being stressed or unhappy because that's a norm to me. Pain is my norm. Sadness. Loneliness.depression.That's my norm. The dark is my home. I don't know what I will do with myself but Its what Ever wethu. I'm always going to be tough so atleast that's a plus.

Been very inactive the past year because my life has been a mess.

Food prep inspos for next week..i really need to make my own salads

Really find everything and everyone annoying right now. I’m not sure if its because I’m going through this transition where I usually emotionally eat my way through it and now i can’t..i really don’t know. I feel stupid just writing this but i can’t talk about my feelings and I dont want to talk about it actually. I feel really selfish for being so irritable and avoiding people more than usual.. I’m literally back at pushing everyone away.

Also realised that being fat in my own lil corner is def way better than having people be attracted to me. I’m def the drown in my mud type piglet and my insecurities flair when people actually pay attention to me. It’s weird, I know but it is what it is..

I’m floating between 3.4 to kgs weight loss in two weeks of my diet I’m I freak out the moment the scale changes. I know water weight will fluctuate but im obssessed to a point where I limit my liquid intake rn because I’m really trying to shed all this water weight.

I dont feel like dying so far..just in limbo so i guess that’s something..

Stepped out of my comfort zone last weekend and actually hung out with people that I’m not used to and didn’t feel like caving so that’s something. Also pretty big for someone that hardly utters a word at work then comes home to silence till the next day when I’m forced to speak again.

Well. Therapy over.

I'm the most content person when nobody looks me. I find so much peace in people looking past me. I get a headache when person wants me and not one of my friends.

Like..nigga?

Anyway.