Why do you go away?

I kind of gave up on learning because of this reason.. but I will go back on track as I made it as my new year resolution.

She opened up a lot about her insecurity and the cultural difference between us. She always call me “Jei-San” because she respects me and admires me. Also maybe because I’m a decade older than her but mostly it’s out of respect. She wants to be like me and be confident in herself so I’ve been guiding her as a friend and also exchanging languages in the process. Her English has gotten a lot better and she can speak faster than before. Me on the other hand.. I can finally make sentences. 😅

The years during this pandemic flew by fast. I wasn't able to really grasp onto anything or the people that came in and walked out of my life. I've connected with few people who stirred up my heart but only for it to die down again. Every-time I connect with someone mentally/emotionally, I end up losing them because the emotions are too intense for them or for me. I'm constantly scared & always choose the route of being emotionally alone. I can't trust nor can I let myself love someone deeply or passionately because I know myself. I know how fragile I am, how easily I can fall apart at the palm of their hands.

I've done a lot of reflecting this year. I went on a road-trip with my friend I met here on tumblr decade ago. We had a wonderful time playing in the snow, kayaking in one of the most cleanest lake in the world, hiking in the slot canyons, drinking in the hotel talking about nonsense, and those silent late night drives in the desert. I missed this so much. I missed driving in the empty road with no particular destination in mind. Living in the present and not thinking about anything further than that.

I'm still dreaming that some day I will let someone in or that some day I will live in a cabin with a dog, travel on the road full-time, and see more of this world. I have currently seen 46 National Parks in America & 43 States in America. Amazing isn't it? I didn't even think the younger me would imagine that I would do what I set out wanting to do in the future. I love you, Jei. Thank you for staying alive through everything & for being here. Or else I wouldn't have seen the things I've wanted to see & experience the things I've wanted to feel.

I've been learning Japanese but I've been slacking lately due to personal reasons. I hope I will get back on track. My Japanese friend did mention I have improved a lot since she met me, so I was happy to hear that.

I will come back more often to this Tumblr.. Just to keep track on myself & how much I've changed over the years.