TMA Entities as Normal Horoscopes
(To clarify, the Entities from The Magnus Archives, as represented by horoscopes from @normal-horoscopes. Entities presented in alphabetical order, horoscopes in the order that I found them.)
Libra: Your eye for detail is one of your most defining traits! Most people only have two general purpose eyes.
Gemini: Unleash your curiosity upon an unforgiving world and dissect everything you are afraid of with an olive fork until you understand it so well it can’t scare you anymore.
Pisces: You are the last one still awake. What are you still doing up? This late at night, with only one pair of eyes. You might see something you weren’t supposed to.
Gemini: You’ll have to throw out or donate most of your novelty t-shirts when you awake to find several bonus eyes hovering around you in elliptical orbits.
Sagittarius: Careful not to blunt those sharp eyes on an unforgiving task. Passion for learning is all well and good, but you’re venturing into uncharted territory that may contain things that want your eyes.
Gemini: Most of us have spare eyes. You have far too many.
Taurus: I can’t shake the feeling I’m being watched. Wait, watched isn’t the right word. Watched and something else.
Cancer: Quit your peeping. Something is looking back at you.
Virgo: The weight of the world will crush you into a diamond.
Virgo: Your horoscope today is just dust. That’s it. Buncha dust.
Libra: Pressure can be an excellent motivator in the right amount. Also, they meant social pressure, doing paperwork in a deep-sea diving bell will not improve the quality of your work.
Gemini: From dust to dust. You came from the earth and she wants you back.
Capricorn: Spend some time huffing large amounts of dust to make your insides dustier.
Scorpio: As you lay on your back, head tilted to an uncaring sky, the very earth whispered to you. She reached up her hands and fingers and you gave her everything you could. Sleep now. Mother is here.
Taurus: It goes far deeper than you imagine. Talk about it.
Cancer: You’ve come across something you should not have interrupted. Run. Run now. Go, or the very earth will swallow you whole.
Scorpio: Your natural drive and ambition will lead you to some interesting places! Who knew a person could even fit in that small a hole?
Aries: Live in the level of filth that is comfortable to you. Just make sure you are practicing self-love.
Pisces: You will see a cool picture of a plague doctor this week. Hell yeah.
Pisces: Growth is simply growth. Gardens and cancers alike.
Ophiuchus: When she awoke to see the infection had taken her shoulder she did the only sensible thing. She cut off her own head. She holds it by the hair in her left hand.
Ophiuchus: Worms in your brain. Worms in your brain. There are very helpful worms in your brain.
Gemini: The discomfort you can’t seem to shake is likely due to the large nest of bees that have made its home inside your ribs.
Ophiuchus: The value of today’s fortune depends heavily on your opinion of rot.
Virgo: The position of Mars says the virus is spreading and soon you will be reborn ascendant to join in the virulent bacchanalia.
Leo: We can only hate what we see in ourselves. Consider that you may be full of mosquitoes.
Aquarius: A lavish and ostentatious estate. Empty and bare because the previous occupants couldn’t stomach a little plague. Wimps.
Aries: When she touched you she laid several eggs in your skin. Free babes! Nice.
Ophiuchus: Having trouble in an academic setting? Try lying down in a field and letting insects use their tiny voices to whisper the secrets of the world to you.
Scorpio: A ray of night from the clouds will darken the banks of the river. Look only. Touch nothing.
Capricorn: The massive black roadrunner that followed your car through Utah. You didn’t say a word the whole night.
Leo: When you see the black, many eyed owls, immediately turn around and snuff out any lights. Your light up sneakers will have to go. Sacrifices must be made.
Aries: Take their hand. They will guide you into the night. Finding your own way out will be its own task. Feel as your heart starts to quicken.
Pisces: There is so much the world has to offer. So much beyond this fervor. Steady your hands and rest in the gentle dark.
Leo: The Diminutive Beings of Shadow and Dread are raccoons. They are raccoons. Close your trash cans.
Aries: You visibly absorb light from the area around you, consider medication.
Leo: Something moves soundlessly through your neighborhood, avoiding the streetlights. Check on your pets.
Pisces: The night is a blanket over all of us. There is fear and comfort in the privacy of the dark.
Scorpio: As much as the stars and I admire your zeal, human hair candles will not catch on.
Taurus: Ensure your friends sit next to you by burning all other chairs and eating the ashes to hide your trickery.
Virgo: Fire is a powerful cleansing force, but that doesn’t make arson legal. The one thing fire cannot purify is the law.
Gemini: It absolutely could hurt to try. Pain is just pain.
Aries: Today your horoscope involves fire and children. The stars wouldn’t clarify anything past that.
Ophiuchus: A chapel made from old shipping containers. The priest is setting herself on fire for the third time in the sermon.
Cancer: It will not actually solve anything, but you can put your problems into perspective by setting everything on fire.
Capricorn: You’ll look back on all of it and wish it to be burned. Start the fire as soon as possible.
Libra: Watch the fire dance between your fingers. You only have so long.
Aries: Look buddy, only one of us can leave this pumpkin festival alive, and I’m already dead.
Gemini: What’s the rush? Nothing has happened but you can feel your heartbeat in your ears, you can feel your eyes dilate. Literally nothing has changed but your body seems convinced that you are going to die any second.
Scorpio: No sense in arguing over the supposed opinions of a dead man. Dig him up and ask him why don’t you? It’s a once in a lifetime chance.
Sagittarius: Today you will be legally dead for about 140 seconds but you’ll come back with a complementary mint.
Leo: After selling your soul to the devil, the sheer negative value of your soul will crash the soul market, causing the dead to walk again.
Ophiuchus: The only permanent state of being is death and even that’s debatable.
Pisces: A good strategy here is to simply refuse to die.
Aquarius: Fuck it. Carry a scythe around. Who even gives a shit.
Capricorn: Statistically, there is a chance that something you do today, however small, will lead to the death of an innocent.
Ophiuchus: Death is only the beginning. The beginning of not being alive anymore.
Aries: Your obsession with death will be satisfied. Eventually.
Ophiuchus: Have yourself a feast and invent a new catholic saint to justify it.
Taurus: The stars say to get of your high horse and quit genetically engineering horses to have such legs. Horses are poorly designed as they are. It’s irresponsible.
Aries: Your newfound ability to scale a brick wall in seconds flat is kinda scary. Your bones make weird noises and everything. Try not to do it around kids.
Virgo: Do you know what flavor you are Virgo? Well get ready to find out!
Capricorn: You know Capricorn, you’re really one or two big steps away from being a sausage.
Leo: There will be a distinct element of aggression to your emotions today, specifically towards chefs that are a member of the ancient secret society of cannibals who just murdered your science teacher.
Taurus: Money troubles Taurus? Try growing new bones and selling them to bone farmers for extra cash. If you get good enough at it, you can use wholesalers.
Sagittarius: Fear not, there is pulled pork aplenty for those with the courage to seek it.
Virgo: There is a mad little part of our heads that looks at a meat cleaver and says “just chop your hand off”. Don’t listen to that bit. It’s a prick and it owes me $120.
Pisces: Your body is not a temple, it is a river. A river made of meat and blood and stuff.
Aquarius: Speak softly, carry a big stick, hide a gun inside the stick just in case the bastard is outside of stick range.
Pisces: If you are being chased by something unearthly, go for the selfie. Life is short, especially when you are being chased by something unearthly.
Aries: Nothing evil stalks the forest. The wild is bigger than you could ever imagine. You are nothing to it. No skinwalker or boogeyman or revenant could ever aspire to the persistence and hunger of the wild untamed.
Leo: Allow fear to inform you. To accept fear as sovereign is sin against the self. Fear is very correct about the large hungry mammal chasing you. Run.
Aquarius: Those assassins from the meat of the month club have finally found your new address and are planting the explosives as you read this.
Scorpio: Dreams of chasing smaller weaker things through the woods. Waking aching to remember. You will remember soon.
Sagittarius: The hunt is on! No starbucks will escape your horn-blessed gaze.
Scorpio: You will get into a fight. Go on a quest for revenge. And know the true visceral feeling of the hunt.
Virgo: The blissful are being sold a lie. The only true bliss is the glory of the hunt and a slaked bloodlust.
Pisces: Nothing gets the panties wet like the sound of hundreds of spectral mounts crashing through moonlit woods while the call of the hunt echoes among the trees, striking fear into the hearts of your ghastly quarry.
Ophiuchus: You can’t stop feeling just one thing. Stuffing down one emotion means stuffing down them all.
Aquarius: You may be stunned to find that the introduction of a new person into your life will make you less lonely.
Taurus: Spend some time outdoors today. Reflect on the state of the world. See yourself reflected in the world and try to fight the other person who is interrupting your reflection time.
Aquarius: Do you remember the seaside? That strip of sand that made you feel at home? Do you remember how quiet it was?
Virgo: Remember Virgo, you can click the control stick to go into stealth mode. Use this to avoid your problems easier.
Aries: You are beyond the pale, transparent really.
Taurus: It’s not fog. It’s a curse. A curse that looks like fog. Stay away.
Cancer: The stars and I regret to tell you that you will, actually, have to talk to people at some point.
Capricorn: Some things cannot be prepared for. Who even uses flintlock pistols anymore? Especially in the parking lot of a grocery store?
Pisces: There is a number of knives that it is appropriate to own. It is quite high. Let’s say you need to curate your collection.
Pisces: Romantic bloodsport for two.
Leo: Nobody really cares that you’re not one for fighting. Preparation is its own reward.
Leo: Having trouble with your customers at work? Strike the head for critical damage!
Aries: When things seem confusing, just start swinging at whoever you see. At the very least, you’ll get some breathing room.
Capricorn: It may be that you fight for good, and your opponent fights for a love of bloodshed, all that matters is that you are fighting.
Virgo: Ruthless efficiency produces results but blind rage is more fun.
Libra: Drawings of wildflowers that don’t exist. Diagrams and advice in a language that nobody speaks. Strewn about your room in impossible places.
Capricorn: Reject the concept of direction. There is no up, there is no down. Orientation is for losers.
Sagittarius: You are correct Sagittarius! That small wooden carving of a fox wasn’t there last night! Yes, it is cursed! Right on the money there.
Capricorn: There is no old woman following you around throwing small potted plants at you.
Scorpio: Relieve stress by planning a trip that isn’t a trip to a place that isn’t a place. Relieve stress by conceiving of time collapsed into a single semipermeable plane of events that anchors all the things that could be.
Leo: When the world stops making sense, play with the perspective. Go Escher on your problem’s ass.
Taurus: Two strangers meet in a Mediterranean country that does not exist. They discuss silver and poison and the nature of madness.
Aquarius: You are never done growing. It takes real effort, and for you, it will take many hours of prowling around the backs of hardware stores for stray screws to eat.
Libra: There is something in the wires practicing its voices by leaving spam calls in your inbox.
Sagittarius: Whoops! Something stole your friend’s face again! Get that ritual dagger and get to work.
Capricorn: Well lookee what we go here, a full shipment of mannequins that look exactly like you except with minor errors in body part proportions. Whoda thunk?
Sagittarius: Enough improvements and you’ll barely recognize yourself. Harvest the parts and avoid the authorities.
Cancer: If you’re gonna copy other people, don’t half-ass it. Ritual cannibalism is the only way to go.
Ophiuchus: The creepy carnival set up outside of town that only certain people can see is not to be trusted, not matter how cool the rollercoaster looks.
Cancer: She’s a fake bitch. Literally, she has a heart of clockwork and armored skin made of porcelain. Even unholy things like her shouldn’t gossip though.
Taurus: Beware the almost. The almost real, the almost breathing, the almost human.
Virgo: Keep a close eye on the puppets. One of them has no strings.
Aries: The stars say you may find yourself falling from a great height. Remember to tuck and roll.
Virgo: Do not look down. There is nothing beneath you. Carry on with your day as if the world is sensible and solid beneath you, and it will follow suit.
Aries: The storm sirens wail, the sound of colossal footsteps thunder closer. A low mournful sound that seems to crack the sky.
Pisces: Today you might fall into a bottomless pit. This is not a metaphor.
Aries: Ever feel under the weather? You are lightning.
Aquarius: You can also see the stars if you’re not in a gutter.
Leo: A man on the roof of his home during a tornado warning, laughing.
Aries: The world seems to be getting smaller and smaller. One day you will be confronted with the magnitude of it all. The vast unexplored deep. The wild unknown, and all those that would build a home in its bosom.
Aries: The space between two mountains in the distance. The sky looks different. You can hear the beating of colossal wings.
Aquarius: Your desire for human contact can be satisfied by being struck by lightning for some reason.
Capricorn: Today you will finally locate and kill the college student with a writing credit on your life.
Capricorn: The stars say to make friends with the harvestmen in your bathroom. They are helping clean up all the lil bug corpses and would appreciate some recognition.
Aquarius: It’s time to make a nest. Don’t ask questions. No thought, only nest.
Gemini: You’ve got a productive day in store Gemini. Will it be on something you actually want to do? Let’s say there is some minor will enslavement involved.
Aquarius: You’ve done an excellent job so far of making friends with the spider people that live in the abandoned subway tunnels. Keep it up!
Gemini: People are depending on you to uphold your promises. The last thing you want to be known as is a trickster. Or is it? That’s exactly the sort of thing a trickster would do!
Leo: You are a puppet, you know exactly who is pulling the strings.
Libra: A tiny spider who has made a friend.
Ophiuchus: The spider lady would like her copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends back.
Aries: See how the cobwebs catch the light? Be sure to thank the spiders.
And some others that didn’t necessarily fit with a particular Entity, but gave off such strong TMA vibes that I had to include them anyways:
Gemini: This week you will be faced with your greatest challenge yet, a twink with massive burn scars.
Libra: Preserve yourself for all eternity by outsourcing your aging to other people.
Pisces: One man’s panic inducing siren-song is what another man uses to fall asleep.
Virgo: Confused? Do not worry. Everything not saved will be lost.
Taurus: This week should be one of experimentation! Push the boundaries of what it means to be mortal!
Capricorn: Answer the Door.
Scorpio: Tomorrow will be the last time you dream of the crown of teeth.
Cancer: The thing that watches over the prison transport ships. It used to be two things but now they share a spine.
Aries: Trust your instincts Aries, your dead wife does have a new form made of dried paint and she is slowly hunting you.
Taurus: They died when the radio tower was bombed. Sometimes you can hear them sending messages before the sun rises, whispering over the unused channels.
Virgo: Your capacity for learning will come in handy today when you smash your head through an old Apple II and download the entire internet into your brain, along with several shards of glass.
Libra: Look, nobody said it would be easy, but at least now you’re suffering for something you love.
Pisces: There is a hole in the world where you cannot see, and through this hole there seeps the things that can never be.
Scorpio: Sometimes being too oblivious to even notice a problem can be an asset. Can’t sweat the small stuff if you don’t even notice it.
Libra: Financial problems? Try encasing your credit cards in a block of ice. Encase all money in a block of ice. Keep all wealth frozen in a block of ice.
Ophiuchus: Maybe your prayers would be answered if your god wasn’t such a pussy.
Gemini: Limited options make choices easier! There are only so many places you can get a human heart!
Taurus: Remember, now matter how many false eyes something might have, at least one of them has to be real. It boils down to a question of bullets over time.
Libra: When others can’t decide, you will be there to make the tough choices with your brave disregard for things like “Rational Thought” and “Basic Self-preservation”.
Virgo: Ribs are important. Make sure you have a good grasp on the importance of ribs.
Pisces: Your constant near death experiences may be putting you under some stress. Time for some light reading, or maybe some breathing exercises. Honestly the stars say you’re handling constantly being faced with your own mortality pretty well.
Aries: After hearing that cursed song today, you’ll only destroy 80% of the objects around you. Recovery is a slow process.
Cancer: There is an aggression to you today. There is an aggression to you all the time. There is an aggression to all things, it is simply your turn on the wheel.
Leo: The hunger you feel is not for food.
Capricorn: Woo her. She is terrifying isn’t she?
Gemini: You are hunting the guy down seven years later and bashing his knees in with a pipe.
Capricorn: What happens when you open a door marked “exit” and all you find is another hallway?
Ophiuchus: Nothing makes a friendship like shared intense suffering.
Taurus: Analog recording devices are surprisingly sensitive. Listen to your old tapes again and hear the tiny voices that whisper along with the song.
Taurus: Clawing your way back out has dulled your talons and blunted your fangs, you are a soft and gentle creature for it. You can buy a knife at most stores.
Sagittarius: When you needed patience, you thought of those who loved you. When you needed fury, you thought of those who hurt you. When you needed strength, you thought of yourself. When you needed just one more chance to get it right, you thought of that cat.
Libra: Keep a journal and write down everything you see, it may save the life of whoever finds it.
Libra: Did you feel it? Just now, the world ended. There’s no going back. Saddle up and find a mask.
Leo: The night is long, the tea is hot, the eyes are plenty.
Ophiuchus: Your eyes can’t lie to you if you don’t have any eyes.
Aries: Now is the time to try new things! Experience new forms of pain! Suffer in new and interesting ways!
Cancer: Someone is missing from that big social meeting you’ve got planned! Luckily they were just preoccupied with being suspended in limbo between life and death.
Libra: If someone says they have power over you, don’t believe them until you see for yourself. Test those limits.
Aquarius: The danger you pose to others is dwarfed by your ability and desire to help. Nothing is without its dangers. You know this more than anyone.
Taurus: Turn some of your energy towards improving the space around you, especially if the space around you is bad and the energy is heat. Burn your house down.
Virgo: The stars say an authority member might be causing you some minor trouble. The important thing to remember during professional squabbles is to use your psychic powers to rip them apart with the strength of your will alone.
Taurus: It’s a tough thing, allowing yourself to be known. The stars say the time may be coming up, are you ready? Too bad fucko, it’s happening anyway.
Ophiuchus: Hiding under the covers actually works with some things. It is technically a threshold and so some things do actually have to be invited.
Cancer: Watch for a box that carries no address. Do not open it. It will be gone tomorrow.
Ophiuchus: Your choices are yours alone. This is important to remember, especially when not making choices.
Scorpio: Goddamit Goddamit shut the fuck up and tell a story.
Sagittarius: That could be you in a few years. Keep your feet about you.
Gemini: There is a deep and old power in that of the image. As long as cameras existed they have been a tool to tell what is really there.
