Joshua William Johnson

your sanctification:

that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;

that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you.

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.”

The feeling of Joshua’s arms wrapping and then tightening around his waist was one he welcomed. How long had he wished for just this? Just a hug from the one person he really loved–far beyond friendship, but also beyond that lusty, sinful kind of love. Michael’s face soon because buried against Joshua’s neck, just breathing in the scent that Michael spent most of his life memorizing and becoming accustomed to through the years.

Without thinking, Michael sat on Joshua’s lap, making the hug more comfortable for both of them, but also to just stay there, just letting the silence fall between them. But soon the silence was broken by his voice clearing, making the smaller boy lift his head a little bit as Joshua turned his head. Blue met brown for a moment as the words really sank into Michael’s head, and those words were like four years worth of weight finally lifted from his shoulders and chest. For the first time, Michael felt light and free.

For the first time, Michael felt like he could finally move on and start again. Whether that be with Josh or not, was debatable.

Words escaped him in that moment though, unsure how to properly express just the feeling he was having, other than to rest his forehead against Joshua’s temple; unsure how the other would have reacted if he suddenly kissed him.

“You really have no idea how happy that makes me to hear Josh.” Michael stated softly before sighing and resting his head on Joshua’s shoulder again.

Michael moves to sit in his lap and Josh shifts a little to make it more comfortable. He ignores the way the weight feels, his mind racing with the fact that the other boy had mentioned love. It doesn’t help him question which time of love, though. He decides it doesn’t matter: He did love him, the way could be discussed later and in more in depth if necessary. Michael raises his chin to look at him and he smiles, slightly before he tells him that he does love him too. 

His eyes search Michaels, looking for an answer in the blue. To what questions, he wasn’t really sure, but.... Michael looks less pained, less broken by the words and maybe for now that was enough. They could be friends again. His father was gone and unable to forbid anything. He was an adult and if this lead him down the path his father imagined it would, then... well, that was his choice to make, his sins to maybe some day repent for. But right now, it just felt like the right thing to do. It made Michael feel better and if he could go home and his family would be less worried about him because of it... then it was worth it. 

The boy leans in and Josh stops breathing for a second, unsure what is about to happen. Michael’s forehead leans against the side of his and he releases the breath, maybe only slightly disappointed he wasn’t actually leaving in for a kiss. Joshua still licks his lips, subconsciously. His hand moves to rub Michael’s back as he speaks. 

Michael took another deep breath and lifted his head, looking at the picture on the shelf for a long moment as he tried to calm down again. He didn’t want to break and be in pain anymore. “Do you?” Michael asked suddenly after a long moment, his voice small to the point that he didn’t even recognize his own voice. “Did you know that…” Michael sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Dad, up until he died, and Micah had to make sure that I stayed on my medicine? Hounded me really. Or that Bella made sure I ate? Or that my brothers took turns sleeping with me at night up until recently, when I moved?” Michael frowned and finally looked at Joshua next to him. “My mom wouldn’t leave me alone–honestly, if I didn’t move, she would probably be stuck on me to make sure I’m okay.”

Shaking his head, he shifted so that he faced more towards Joshua, finally really looking at him for the first time in years. To see more worry lines, but more smile lines. To see the pain he was in but wouldn’t verbally speak it. To see that his jawline had gotten sharper and that he no longer had the baby face anymore–but more of a mature one. Michael wanted to reach out then, but instead, he shifted onto his knees and without thinking, pulled Joshua into a hug. It wasn’t a half hearted one, but more of ‘you can lean on me’ kind–the ones where you know it’s not going to be let go soon.

“Even through all of that–Josh, I still do love you.” Michael mumbled quietly and wearily, unsure how Joshua would react to that.

His shoulders slump. Josh knows that Michael had struggled a little -- he just knew, but to the extent, he had always tried to steer away from the truths. He had avoided Michael’s siblings for a while, knowing that he would ask about Mike and if he knew.... well, he didn’t know if he would have been able to go through with it and then, who knows what would have happened. No, Josh didn’t want to know all this. He didn’t want to know that he had caused Mike so much pain.  He never wanted that. 

Michael’s arms are around him and he breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent of the man, like he hasn’t breathed in minutes and he is the purest oxygen. His arms wrap around the other man’s torso and he pulls him even closer, his head spinning slightly. He doesn’t know where this came from, but it’s absolutely needed. His eyes close as Michael mumbles against his shoulder. He misses the first part, but the I still do love you rings true. 

I still do love you. 

I still love you.

The words cause his heart and his stomach to clench. Of course, Michael still loved him.... he still loved Mike. He always would. They were best friends. They were each other’s saving grace. .... But what kind of love was he talking about? Compassionate, platonic love that could be really needed in this time of growth and change and exploration of self? Or.... the lusty, sinful kind that made him question some of his life choices as he scrolled through this new blue website. He cleared his throat and turned his head slightly.

It takes several minutes for Michael to find his voice again, fighting with everything in himself that he fought so hard to keep under control over the last few years. He tried so hard to just let the feelings about Joshua go, that they were only keeping him anchored in this never ending cycle of tears and pain. But yet, here he was, wishing with everything in his heart that they were sixteen again and believing that the world couldn’t touch them. And then that veil was ripped away from them and here they were now.

Taking a deep but struggled breath, Michael rubbed his face just as he realized that Joshua had been touching him. It was like a little shock up his spine and in that instant, Michael jerked his leg away from the other man’s grasp out of reflex; moving his hand away from his face long enough that the other could see how red his eyes were. Michael was feeling a mixture of things in this moment, but he really just wanted to cry and get it out of his system. However, he stayed in his spot, though pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them; gripping his jeans while resting his forehead against his knees.

“And then we walked past each other that first time after everything–you were with some Dominant, I don’t remember much of it–but there was no acknowledgement there. You wouldn’t have known, but I had looked back and never in my life did I feel the most… Alone and broken.” Michael finally spoke up, his voice slightly muffled by his legs. “Never in my life would I have felt like a stranger to you… Of all people.” Michael finally opened up to Joshua, sniffling softly as he did. He didn’t want to have this conversation, because it means telling Joshua all the times that his brothers took turns sleeping with him so that he wouldn’t do something stupid. Or that his sister made him eat when he refused to after days of not, all the times he lashed out in anger, cursing God for taking away the one thing that he cared for the most.

He feels like he’s been burned with the way that Michael jerks his leg away from his fingertips. It is the first time that he’s ever truly felt wrong for touching the other man. His fingertips curl into his hand, the nails digging into his palm as he moves his hand back towards his lap. He stares ahead, unable to look at the man right now, unsure what the look in his face will say about what he’s feeling. He keeps his breathing slow, each breath feeling thick as it makes its way into his lungs. He feels a little underwater, but he knows that he does not have the right to be upset right now. This was Michael’s moment and he needed to let him have it. 

He doesn’t say anything when Michael begins to talk about how he felt. He knows that apologizing again.... It’s not enough. It’s not what he needs, but Joshua doesn’t know what he can do, what he can give Michael other than to listen and understand what pain he went though because of what Josh did. He doesn’t explain his point of view. He doesn’t tell him that it was just as hard on him. That he missed him more than he could imagine. That he spent nights up, questioning the choice, but knowing that his father’s rage he had seen could come out against Michael? It wasn’t worth it and.... he didn’t want anyone to know about that, anyways. Not even Michael. Especially not Michael. Even if it would make this easier. 

Michael shifted a little bit and sighed, looking at his hands as he thought about what to say. It was a lot to take in and he was trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. “Maybe the test is wrong.” He started, frowning a little bit before taking a deep breath and sitting up straight again. “Say you’re a switch–there’s some who lean more towards one side than the other, my cousins–hell, my mom is a switch and she is pretty in the middle, but she leans more towards dominance.” Michael stated as he shifted again. “If the test isn’t wrong, and you’re really a dominant, then you don’t have to worry about it.” Something in Michael broke a little bit–what he didn’t know. Like a gnawing feeling in the back of his mind and he suddenly felt disconnected for a moment before Joshua started speaking again.

Looking back, Michael smiled slightly, watching as he saw the words sink in. But then his smile faded with the other man’s question and it was Michael’s turn to look at his own lap, gnawing on his bottom lip as he did. “I want to say we all make choices based on what we are given,” Michael tucked his hands into his jacket pockets to hide the fact that he was shaking a little bit. “But were we wrong? I don’t… I want to say no. That even though we had a lot going, there is going to be that fucking little nagging voice in the back of our minds.” Michael sighed and kept his gaze on his lap for a moment, balling his hands in his pockets. He didn’t know why, but he just suddenly felt like crying. A lot.

After a long moment of silence, Michael finally let out a low breath and lifted his head, biting his bottom lip slightly before looking at Joshua next to him. “It sucked, ya know. Being best friends one day, and then being alone the next. I can’t count on one hand how many times I locked myself in my room and just cried. I’m pretty sure I cried myself sick at one point.” Michael looked at the picture on the shelf then before rubbing his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry. “And then…” Michael leaned back on the couch then, continuing to rub his eyes with his fingers because if he didn’t, Joshua would see the tears that he was desperately trying to fight back.

Josh just wanted a clear answer. He wanted the world to be black and white. He wanted God to reach out in a dream or... whatever God did to reach out... and tell him, “This is the way”. He was trying so hard to follow the right path, the one He wanted him to follow. He had believed in his father to not lead him astray, he had put his faith in the man and had followed everything he had told him. That Michael was not good for him, his future, even if Josh knew that was wrong. Still, he had trusted in his dad because his father was supposed to know more, was supposed to be further in his path with God and to know more in what the Truth was. His father had told him that they were wrong. That they were living a life that God did not want them to lead, that they were going astray. 

A Dominant’s place was not to mix physical and romantic pleasure with their submissive. Yes, they were supposed to provide compassion and even, love, but it was only one with a sense of control. Lust and what came with it were.... mistakes. 2 Timothy 2:22: Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.’

But Michael was what made him feel those things. He felt love and peace. he felt closer to God when he was with him. He didn’t understand how if those were true, if he was continuing on a righteous path with Michael..... how it could be wrong? He didn’t know. Michael didn’t seem to know either. 

He watches as the man rubs his eyes, hears the slight difference in his voice and he knows. He doesn’t say anything, Michael hadn’t said anything when he was about to and he owed the boy the same respect. He reaches over to touch the man’s leg, rubbing a small circle with his thumb on the inside of his knee. He doesn’t know what to say. Apologizing again doesn’t seem fair. 

Michael remained quiet as he watched the other struggle with containing himself. The older boy only wanted to just do what he used to do–crawl onto Joshua’s lap and just hug him until he had let everything out and was calm again. But he refrained from doing so and just waited until Joshua was okay enough to speak again. As he listened to what he was saying, Michael leaned against his elbows once again, a small frown crossing his face. There was a lot of questions that not even Michael could think to answer, and he could tell that they were questions that the only person that could answer them was no longer around.

Rubbing his jaw slightly, he thought he should just start off with Joshua’s initial question, which involved the both of them.

“I mean, it was true that we weren’t traditional with our roles,” Michael paused, biting his bottom lip because this wasn’t something he’d thought to be talking about. “But it worked for us. We had the trust and the bond there. I think it goes more farther than that, but… I don’t… I don’t know, Josh.” Michael looked down at his hands and thought about it. A part of him was starting to think about how they made it work, and how well it worked for the both of them as they grew up; and reading that Joshua was purposely mismarked–Michael was starting to question his mark now. “But, have you thought about researching it yourself? The medicines I mean.”

Looking at Joshua, Michael shifted so that he was closer to him and slipped his hand into the other man’s own, lacing his fingers between his own. “Remember when I came out?” Michael suddenly asked, having a point to his question. “Remember how confused and scared and how disconnected I felt, because I felt like I was betraying how everyone thought I should be?” Michael’s voice wavered slightly because even now it was still a touchy subject for him. “How I felt like God played some messed up joke on my behalf–and do you remember what you said to me?”

Josh knew it worked. It worked really well. They were happy and then everything got so messed up. He didn’t question that part of his life, but after? When he had dated Kristen, how had he not gotten sick? He wasn’t on the patches, he knew about the patches, but that was all there was, really. Sure, medicines caused side effects that could decrease the need and that’s what he assumed he was on, but.... had he always been on it? Had the test been wrong the first time. Maybe he was actually a Dominant and the test had just been.. wrong? Could the test be wrong? He didn’t know and it was all driving him insane.

He shrugged. “I’ve thought about it, yeah, but....I don’t know. A part of me.... doesn’t want to know. I’m okay. I’m not like.... severely ill so something I’m doing must be working? Maybe.... maybe he just wasted his money.” And the times that he did submit to Michael were just.... fun? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. 

Joshua stares at him when he mentions coming out. He smiles slightly. “Ephesians 2:10. For we are God's masterpiece, created anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. God made you just how you were meant to be, to be who He wanted you to be....” He nodded, looking at his lap. Michael was right. He needed to trust in God, to continue this journey so that he could get where God had plans for him, but.... It was so hard. He rubbed his hands over his thighs.