BELIEVER

Its been six years since we've met.

The javeriah you met in 2019 is a different javeriah. She was a strong girl back then. She still is, but the only difference is, that,ab you are her strength<3

When did I fall in love?

Just as you, I don't know how and when did I fall in love. I was the girl who never believed in love and love stories, I thought it's being fantasized, happens in fairytales. And just as the faires don't exist, fairytales don't exist.

I never believed in love until I met you, my Love.

And since the day I met you, I've been at peace but my heart is restless. Restless? Why? Maybe because my heart's yearning to meet you. Maybe because just as u said,

Maybe we fit perfectly? That's why my heart is both at peace and is restless when I see you.

Peace- because I found you.

Restlessness- because my heart yearns for you.

So starting from the year 2019, the year we met. The year when I found my home. The year I found peace. The year, I felt I found my other half. I was the happiest but then I read books.

I read many, books were my favourite and out of which my favorite was- sunnat e Ibrahimi, which Muslims perform on Eid ul Azha. I read abt sacrifice, but never knew it's true meaning. Igtk what the real sacrifice is when I sacrificed you for Allah despite the fire, ignited in my heart.

That day when I deactivated my account with out saying, with out telling you anything, that day I got to know how is it like to sacrifice your beloved one for your beloved one. My heart was heavy, I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to be away from you. From the beginning, I wanted to stay with you but that day I gathered all my courage and I did what I did. You said it was difficult for you, it wasn't easy for me aswell. That day I got to know the real meaning of sacrifice. Real meaning of what Eid ul Azha teaches us. Real meaning of sunnat e Ibrahimi. That day, I got to know how difficult it would have been for Ibrahim to put his knife over his beloved Ismael. And how firm his faith was, that he was ready to sacrifice.

Despite the heaviness and voids, I decided to follow that sunnat e Ibrahimi because I believed Ibrahim and I, we have the same God.

I sacrificed.

I sacrificed but in all these years I used to ask Allah Taa'la that Ibrahim got his Ismael back, right away. He was the prophet, yet u finished his test midway and you returned his Ismael back to him and I m an ordinary Muslim- a follower of Ibrahim, not Ibrahim. I can't succeed if you take my test as hard as his'.

I used to ask Allah Taa'la will you take my test as difficult as ibrahim? Will you take him away from me? Will you return him back to me? I asked. I asked alot. In my every prayer, I used to question about him.

But then one day, all my prayers were answered. Ibrahim and I have the same God. He returned my beloved back to me.

The was the year when I was burning in the fire ignited in my heart. The fire no one knew about except me and my God. The year when I suffered the pain -pain of falling in love... Falling in love without letting them know about the the fire which burnt you down to the core of your heart, fire so intense, which can turn you down to the ashes...

And to you?

To you, I became a stone hearted person. A rock maybe? As hard as a rock? But, I turned into ashes. Those flames, flames of love? they, they turned me into ashes. Little did you know that I fell in love. Fell in love with you. I fell so hard that I tore myself apart. I broke myself ito many pieces, maybe countless.

And I tried to gather myself. I tried alot but I couldn't. Maybe because, I was gathering all pieces of mine but you. Everytime, I gathered myself I broke apart and dispersed into pieces again because I couldn't find my that one piece- you.

I don't know if you felt this pain before 2023, but I felt it. I felt the pain of living with out you. You know how it was?

Devastating. It was.

Maybe, that's why I still fear saying goodbye to you. Because, once, I experienced the living... a living without you... After a good bye...

Whenever you talk about going far from me, someone from inside of me screams a loud "don't go!"

If I were a mage, I would have cursed you to stay with me forever. I would never let you go, my love. Never.

And as you said, you lost yourself. Me too, lost myself when I found you.

I almost died after reading this. I thought, you can't unlove your beloved one. I thought, I could never unlove him. I never thought about "a feeling changes". All the feelings in the world would have changed, but not love. A true love. It never changes. I fight alot with him, I get upset on little things, I even used to tell him to go but I never thought of living without him,I could never imagine a life without him even after pushing him away, I wanted him to stay. I never wanted him to go.

And "feelings change?" That's not even a question to me. His words... Almost killed me. Just as mine almost kills him. We burnt each other. Maybe just as the phoenixes burn before rising?

2021- a year when we became known strangers.

The year, maybe I don't want to talk about to anyone. The year full of voids and scars. Despite knowing what my heart wants, I pushed him away. I used to deny that a strong girl could fall in love with someone she just saw for twice or thrice and talked to for about a few months...

This year I shut myself down and decided to disappear. I disappeared from my social media despite my Tumblr account. And he, he followed me here. For what? Idk for what. Maybe, he too, just like me, was burning in the flames of love... Maybe he too, was burning in the fire ignited in his heart. Or maybe I stayed in his heart just as he did. Or maybe, just as I feel alive when I see him, he feels the same. Maybe, we were each other's that one piece without which we were incomplete...

Whatever it was, I learnt lessons. And, out of all lessons the one which changed me alot was... I learnt that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget him but I felt like it's too late. So, I made a graveyard in my heart. Grave yard of memories. The memories which became a part of personality but what do you do with the deads? You miss them. All you can do is, you miss them, you yearn and you cry. That's what I used to do. But how comes I couldn't think that we are not dead?

I thought all the milk is spilled, so now, it's no use of crying over it. And I decided to forget about him by keeping myself busy.

Once again, I tried to forget him.

But can you even forget a part of you?? Can you even forget about your second half??! Koi apni jaan ko b khud se Juda krskta he Kiya??!!

اگر تم کہو تو میں خود کو بھلا دوں

It was the year when I totally lost hope over meeting him again, I told my heart to become calm. I told it to not to yearn over the things which aren't mine but little did I know home is where the heart is.

My heart did it yearn for the right person? Did it know something I didn't??

But I kept myself busy. I used to work more than my capacity so that when I sleep, I am this much tired that I don't think about any second thought. I don't want to, but... Even in the dreams, I couldn't forget him.

I kept myself busy, busy in studies, activities, writings, HOPES, declamations, LPSS. I achieved alot. I thought, achievements could fill the voids. I thought, I could hide behind the piles of my achievements but I couldn't. You were the one, I wanted to share all my achievements with. I missed you. I was still missing you...

My heart was clenched. It, still, was aching...

And longing...

2023- A miracle?

This was a year when someone vowed me, he vowed that he'll stay. He'll stay forever like baby breath. He returned. He returned back to me. I couldn't believe. To me, it felt like a miracle, it felt like a dream. It was something which felt unreal. I couldn't believe it was him... I was in tears out of happiness...

Just as I said in the beginning, I believed Ibrahim and I have same God, we have same God.

Allah, the one who listens to all of his men, whether it be a sinner like me... But when you ask him, he responds. Sometimes, he responds when you've lost all the hope. This time he responded to my prayers when I've lost my hope.

2024- Love?

Despite the passage of time, when we talked again, we were same. We changed, but we were same. We weren't in our teens this time, but we were. He didn't confess it but he confessed. He was far yet closest and dearest to me. I cherish every moment I spent with him.

When he came back to Karachi... When I didn't know I am going to meet him an di met him. I was walking randomly in a mall with my friends, that's where he crashed. I didn't know how to react... I knew but I couldn't maybe? I wanted to hug him and I wanted to cry (out of happiness) I couldn't believe in my eyes. I looked at him for a fraction of second maybe? And then I recognized him and... I turned back. I turned back to hide what I was feeling. Yet, I couldn't my eyes, my smile... They were enough to tell how I was feeling. I was so overwhelmed. I wanted to talk to him alot but couldn't utter a single word. There was a strange silence between us, which he was trying to break. He broke the silence, but I just couldn't.... I couldn't process the fact that the Noor of my eyes is sitting in front of my eyes. I, also tried, alot but spoke just a little

And then we met the next day and the next day. And every day, I felt something special and something different...

He came for three days. I wanted to spend all three days with him and I wanted him to stay more... And I wanted to look at him but whenever I looked at him, he was already looking at me and I just couldn't look into his eyes when he's looking at me. As if I'll drown.... As if?? surely, I already drowned for that one pair of eyes.

The next day, we were walking and I was hitting him with the bottle as hard as I could and suddenly when he was walking besides me (not on the footpath), I was consistently persisting him to walk on the footpath. Do I care for him? Do I want him to not to get hurt?

And he? He was not walking on the footpath. When I asked why? He replied, "acha lagta he jb koi apki care kre..."

Does he like it? Being loved by me? He likes being cared by me? Does he like it when I tell him how important he is to me? If yes, I would love to do it for the rest of my life. I'll love him with all my heart and will throw away all the thorns out of his life, if I could.

The next day, when we were there sitting in the library, I wanted the time to freeze there. I wanted to talk as much as I could but again, time passed. Time flied* so we went to the mall.

When I came back from the prayer hall, I saw him standing there outside the door, waiting for me. I wanted to look at him a little longer like this but he turned back.

Now we were walking besides each other, with that bottle in my hand. I should have asked him for the Iunch but instead he asked me for the Icecream༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ (my brain wasn't braining) I was happy. I only felt happy in those three days bcz he was there with me. It felt so jshdjsjajajfhjdkz. We had our ice creams. He knew I like chocolate so he bought chocolate for me and vanilla for himself and when he asked my to try his... I swapped his with mine ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶand he gave it to me without saying a word<3 I liked it. And then, we had an eye contact of that one second when he said chin up>>>>

After finishing the Icecream, we were randomly walking in the mall (I was finding the reasons for him to stay more) we were walking and the bottle was our mean of communication (⁠^⁠^⁠). I hit him with the bottle, I measure my height with the bottle, I stop him from walking on the road by bottle. Bottle never knew it's versatile in function.

Well, the time passed and we had to leave again. How brutal, I couldn't even hug him. I couldn't even say thanks to him for coming... My heart, it again wanted to follow him. Once again, I wanted to follow his direction. I liked walking behind him and walking besides him. I felt so comfortable with him. I felt peace. I trust him so blindly that even if he had told me to follow him with my eyes closed, I would have followed him. And love? It's something I couldn't explain. I can't explained the intensity... it's just whenever I see him, my heart races so fast as if it wants to break that rib cage and come out of it to meet him...?

In all six years, I learnt alot... Maybe I am having a different personality. His friends tell me he changed but when we are together we are same. Same, as we were in School. To me, he is one of the biggest blessings of Allah Taa'la since the day we met to the present day... And he'll have a constant place in my heart for the whole of my life. He's irreplaceable, my go-to person. My best friend. Crime partner. My other half!

When he calls me "Meri Jaan", he's so right. Lkn kisi ki jaan kisi or me hoskti he kia? Kisi or?? He's my other half. Meri jaan usme he or uski jaan mujh me...

Jaan na ho to Kia insaan zinda reh skta he?

When I tell him,"I'll die without you..." I am never wrong. Meri jaan he wo....

In all these 6 years, I couldn't believe it happened... Couldn't believe it happened in real. We broke, we heal, wandered and we then we met again. Through out the whole journey, I think of him as a miracle. He came in my life as a miracle. I couldn't even explain it in words, what he is to me but yes he's so special for me. He's my that one person for whom I could fight the whole world. He's home. Mera jigar. Mera Dil. Meri jaan... Jaan se brh k b kisi k liye kuch hota he kia?? Mere liye he. Mera Asim mere liye Meri jaan se brh k he.

Its been six years since we've met.

The javeriah you met in 2019 is a different javeriah. She was a strong girl back then. She still is, but the only difference is, that,ab you are her strength<3

When did I fall in love?

Just as you, I don't know how and when did I fall in love. I was the girl who never believed in love and love stories, I thought it's being fantasized, happens in fairytales. And just as the faires don't exist, fairytales don't exist.

I never believed in love until I met you, my Love.

And since the day I met you, I've been at peace but my heart is restless. Restless? Why? Maybe because my heart's yearning to meet you. Maybe because just as u said,

Maybe we fit perfectly? That's why my heart is both at peace and is restless when I see you.

Peace- because I found you.

Restlessness- because my heart yearns for you.

So starting from the year 2019, the year we met. The year when I found my home. The year I found peace. The year, I felt I found my other half. I was the happiest but then I read books.

I read many, books were my favourite and out of which my favorite was- sunnat e Ibrahimi, which Muslims perform on Eid ul Azha. I read abt sacrifice, but never knew it's true meaning. Igtk what the real sacrifice is when I sacrificed you for Allah despite the fire, ignited in my heart.

That day when I deactivated my account with out saying, with out telling you anything, that day I got to know how is it like to sacrifice your beloved one for your beloved one. My heart was heavy, I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to be away from you. From the beginning, I wanted to stay with you but that day I gathered all my courage and I did what I did. You said it was difficult for you, it wasn't easy for me aswell. That day I got to know the real meaning of sacrifice. Real meaning of what Eid ul Azha teaches us. Real meaning of sunnat e Ibrahimi. That day, I got to know how difficult it would have been for Ibrahim to put his knife over his beloved Ismael. And how firm his faith was, that he was ready to sacrifice.

Despite the heaviness and voids, I decided to follow that sunnat e Ibrahimi because I believed Ibrahim and I, we have the same God.

I sacrificed.

I sacrificed but in all these years I used to ask Allah Taa'la that Ibrahim got his Ismael back, right away. He was the prophet, yet u finished his test midway and you returned his Ismael back to him and I m an ordinary Muslim- a follower of Ibrahim, not Ibrahim. I can't succeed if you take my test as hard as his'.

I used to ask Allah Taa'la will you take my test as difficult as ibrahim? Will you take him away from me? Will you return him back to me? I asked. I asked alot. In my every prayer, I used to question about him.

But then one day, all my prayers were answered. Ibrahim and I have the same God. He returned my beloved back to me.

The was the year when I was burning in the fire ignited in my heart. The fire no one knew about except me and my God. The year when I suffered the pain -pain of falling in love... Falling in love without letting them know about the the fire which burnt you down to the core of your heart, fire so intense, which can turn you down to the ashes...

And to you?

To you, I became a stone hearted person. A rock maybe? As hard as a rock? But, I turned into ashes. Those flames, flames of love? they, they turned me into ashes. Little did you know that I fell in love. Fell in love with you. I fell so hard that I tore myself apart. I broke myself ito many pieces, maybe countless.

And I tried to gather myself. I tried alot but I couldn't. Maybe because, I was gathering all pieces of mine but you. Everytime, I gathered myself I broke apart and dispersed into pieces again because I couldn't find my that one piece- you.

I don't know if you felt this pain before 2023, but I felt it. I felt the pain of living with out you. You know how it was?

Devastating. It was.

Maybe, that's why I still fear saying goodbye to you. Because, once, I experienced the living... a living without you... After a good bye...

Whenever you talk about going far from me, someone from inside of me screams a loud "don't go!"

If I were a mage, I would have cursed you to stay with me forever. I would never let you go, my love. Never.

And as you said, you lost yourself. Me too, lost myself when I found you.

I almost died after reading this. I thought, you can't unlove your beloved one. I thought, I could never unlove him. I never thought about "a feeling changes". All the feelings in the world would have changed, but not love. A true love. It never changes. I fight alot with him, I get upset on little things, I even used to tell him to go but I never thought of living without him,I could never imagine a life without him even after pushing him away, I wanted him to stay. I never wanted him to go.

And "feelings change?" That's not even a question to me. His words... Almost killed me. Just as mine almost kills him. We burnt each other. Maybe just as the phoenixes burn before rising?

2021- a year when we became known strangers.

The year, maybe I don't want to talk about to anyone. The year full of voids and scars. Despite knowing what my heart wants, I pushed him away. I used to deny that a strong girl could fall in love with someone she just saw for twice or thrice and talked to for about a few months...

This year I shut myself down and decided to disappear. I disappeared from my social media despite my Tumblr account. And he, he followed me here. For what? Idk for what. Maybe, he too, just like me, was burning in the flames of love... Maybe he too, was burning in the fire ignited in his heart. Or maybe I stayed in his heart just as he did. Or maybe, just as I feel alive when I see him, he feels the same. Maybe, we were each other's that one piece without which we were incomplete...

Whatever it was, I learnt lessons. And, out of all lessons the one which changed me alot was... I learnt that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget him but I felt like it's too late. So, I made a graveyard in my heart. Grave yard of memories. The memories which became a part of personality but what do you do with the deads? You miss them. All you can do is, you miss them, you yearn and you cry. That's what I used to do. But how comes I couldn't think that we are not dead?

I thought all the milk is spilled, so now, it's no use of crying over it. And I decided to forget about him by keeping myself busy.

Once again, I tried to forget him.

But can you even forget a part of you?? Can you even forget about your second half??! Koi apni jaan ko b khud se Juda krskta he Kiya??!!

اگر تم کہو تو میں خود کو بھلا دوں

It was the year when I totally lost hope over meeting him again, I told my heart to become calm. I told it to not to yearn over the things which aren't mine but little did I know home is where the heart is.

My heart did it yearn for the right person? Did it know something I didn't??

But I kept myself busy. I used to work more than my capacity so that when I sleep, I am this much tired that I don't think about any second thought. I don't want to, but... Even in the dreams, I couldn't forget him.

I kept myself busy, busy in studies, activities, writings, HOPES, declamations, LPSS. I achieved alot. I thought, achievements could fill the voids. I thought, I could hide behind the piles of my achievements but I couldn't. You were the one, I wanted to share all my achievements with. I missed you. I was still missing you...

My heart was clenched. It, still, was aching...

And longing...

2023- A miracle?

This was a year when someone vowed me, he vowed that he'll stay. He'll stay forever like baby breath. He returned. He returned back to me. I couldn't believe. To me, it felt like a miracle, it felt like a dream. It was something which felt unreal. I couldn't believe it was him... I was in tears out of happiness...

Just as I said in the beginning, I believed Ibrahim and I have same God, we have same God.

Allah, the one who listens to all of his men, whether it be a sinner like me... But when you ask him, he responds. Sometimes, he responds when you've lost all the hope. This time he responded to my prayers when I've lost my hope.

Its been six years since we've met.

The javeriah you met in 2019 is a different javeriah. She was a strong girl back then. She still is, but the only difference is, that,ab you are her strength<3

When did I fall in love?

Just as you, I don't know how and when did I fall in love. I was the girl who never believed in love and love stories, I thought it's being fantasized, happens in fairytales. And just as the faires don't exist, fairytales don't exist.

I never believed in love until I met you, my Love.

And since the day I met you, I've been at peace but my heart is restless. Restless? Why? Maybe because my heart's yearning to meet you. Maybe because just as u said,

Maybe we fit perfectly? That's why my heart is both at peace and is restless when I see you.

Peace- because I found you.

Restlessness- because my heart yearns for you.

So starting from the year 2019, the year we met. The year when I found my home. The year I found peace. The year, I felt I found my other half. I was the happiest but then I read books.

I read many, books were my favourite and out of which my favorite was- sunnat e Ibrahimi, which Muslims perform on Eid ul Azha. I read abt sacrifice, but never knew it's true meaning. Igtk what the real sacrifice is when I sacrificed you for Allah despite the fire, ignited in my heart.

That day when I deactivated my account with out saying, with out telling you anything, that day I got to know how is it like to sacrifice your beloved one for your beloved one. My heart was heavy, I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to be away from you. From the beginning, I wanted to stay with you but that day I gathered all my courage and I did what I did. You said it was difficult for you, it wasn't easy for me aswell. That day I got to know the real meaning of sacrifice. Real meaning of what Eid ul Azha teaches us. Real meaning of sunnat e Ibrahimi. That day, I got to know how difficult it would have been for Ibrahim to put his knife over his beloved Ismael. And how firm his faith was, that he was ready to sacrifice.

Despite the heaviness and voids, I decided to follow that sunnat e Ibrahimi because I believed Ibrahim and I, we have the same God.

I sacrificed.

I sacrificed but in all these years I used to ask Allah Taa'la that Ibrahim got his Ismael back, right away. He was the prophet, yet u finished his test midway and you returned his Ismael back to him and I m an ordinary Muslim- a follower of Ibrahim, not Ibrahim. I can't succeed if you take my test as hard as his'.

I used to ask Allah Taa'la will you take my test as difficult as ibrahim? Will you take him away from me? Will you return him back to me? I asked. I asked alot. In my every prayer, I used to question about him.

But then one day, all my prayers were answered. Ibrahim and I have the same God. He returned my beloved back to me.

The was the year when I was burning in the fire ignited in my heart. The fire no one knew about except me and my God. The year when I suffered the pain -pain of falling in love... Falling in love without letting them know about the the fire which burnt you down to the core of your heart, fire so intense, which can turn you down to the ashes...

And to you?

To you, I became a stone hearted person. A rock maybe? As hard as a rock? But, I turned into ashes. Those flames, flames of love? they, they turned me into ashes. Little did you know that I fell in love. Fell in love with you. I fell so hard that I tore myself apart. I broke myself ito many pieces, maybe countless.

And I tried to gather myself. I tried alot but I couldn't. Maybe because, I was gathering all pieces of mine but you. Everytime, I gathered myself I broke apart and dispersed into pieces again because I couldn't find my that one piece- you.

I don't know if you felt this pain before 2023, but I felt it. I felt the pain of living with out you. You know how it was?

Devastating. It was.

Maybe, that's why I still fear saying goodbye to you. Because, once, I experienced the living... a living without you... After a good bye...

Whenever you talk about going far from me, someone from inside of me screams a loud "don't go!"

If I were a mage, I would have cursed you to stay with me forever. I would never let you go, my love. Never.

And as you said, you lost yourself. Me too, lost myself when I found you.

I almost died after reading this. I thought, you can't unlove your beloved one. I thought, I could never unlove him. I never thought about "a feeling changes". All the feelings in the world would have changed, but not love. A true love. It never changes. I fight alot with him, I get upset on little things, I even used to tell him to go but I never thought of living without him,I could never imagine a life without him even after pushing him away, I wanted him to stay. I never wanted him to go.

And "feelings change?" That's not even a question to me. His words... Almost killed me. Just as mine almost kills him. We burnt each other. Maybe just as the phoenixes burn before rising?

2021- a year when we became known strangers.

The year, maybe I don't want to talk about to anyone. The year full of voids and scars. Despite knowing what my heart wants, I pushed him away. I used to deny that a strong girl could fall in love with someone she just saw for twice or thrice and talked to for about a few months...

This year I shut myself down and decided to disappear. I disappeared from my social media despite my Tumblr account. And he, he followed me here. For what? Idk for what. Maybe, he too, just like me, was burning in the flames of love... Maybe he too, was burning in the fire ignited in his heart. Or maybe I stayed in his heart just as he did. Or maybe, just as I feel alive when I see him, he feels the same. Maybe, we were each other's that one piece without which we were incomplete...

Whatever it was, I learnt lessons. And, out of all lessons the one which changed me alot was... I learnt that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget him but I felt like it's too late. So, I made a graveyard in my heart. Grave yard of memories. The memories which became a part of personality but what do you do with the deads? You miss them. All you can do is, you miss them, you yearn and you cry. That's what I used to do. But how comes I couldn't think that we are not dead?

I thought all the milk is spilled, so now, it's no use of crying over it. And I decided to forget about him by keeping myself busy.

Once again, I tried to forget him.

But can you even forget a part of you?? Can you even forget about your second half??! Koi apni jaan ko b khud se Juda krskta he Kiya??!!

اگر تم کہو تو میں خود کو بھلا دوں

It was the year when I totally lost hope over meeting him again, I told my heart to become calm. I told it to not to yearn over the things which aren't mine but little did I know home is where the heart is.

My heart did it yearn for the right person? Did it know something I didn't??

But I kept myself busy. I used to work more than my capacity so that when I sleep, I am this much tired that I don't think about any second thought. I don't want to, but... Even in the dreams, I couldn't forget him.

I kept myself busy, busy in studies, activities, writings, HOPES, declamations, LPSS. I achieved alot. I thought, achievements could fill the voids. I thought, I could hide behind the piles of my achievements but I couldn't. You were the one, I wanted to share all my achievements with. I missed you. I was still missing you...

My heart was clenched. It, still, was aching...

And longing...

Its been six years since we've met.

The javeriah you met in 2019 is a different javeriah. She was a strong girl back then. She still is, but the only difference is, that,ab you are her strength<3

When did I fall in love?

Just as you, I don't know how and when did I fall in love. I was the girl who never believed in love and love stories, I thought it's being fantasized, happens in fairytales. And just as the faires don't exist, fairytales don't exist.

I never believed in love until I met you, my Love.

And since the day I met you, I've been at peace but my heart is restless. Restless? Why? Maybe because my heart's yearning to meet you. Maybe because just as u said,

Maybe we fit perfectly? That's why my heart is both at peace and is restless when I see you.

Peace- because I found you.

Restlessness- because my heart yearns for you.

So starting from the year 2019, the year we met. The year when I found my home. The year I found peace. The year, I felt I found my other half. I was the happiest but then I read books.

I read many, books were my favourite and out of which my favorite was- sunnat e Ibrahimi, which Muslims perform on Eid ul Azha. I read abt sacrifice, but never knew it's true meaning. Igtk what the real sacrifice is when I sacrificed you for Allah despite the fire, ignited in my heart.

That day when I deactivated my account with out saying, with out telling you anything, that day I got to know how is it like to sacrifice your beloved one for your beloved one. My heart was heavy, I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to be away from you. From the beginning, I wanted to stay with you but that day I gathered all my courage and I did what I did. You said it was difficult for you, it wasn't easy for me aswell. That day I got to know the real meaning of sacrifice. Real meaning of what Eid ul Azha teaches us. Real meaning of sunnat e Ibrahimi. That day, I got to know how difficult it would have been for Ibrahim to put his knife over his beloved Ismael. And how firm his faith was, that he was ready to sacrifice.

Despite the heaviness and voids, I decided to follow that sunnat e Ibrahimi because I believed Ibrahim and I, we have the same God.

I sacrificed.

I sacrificed but in all these years I used to ask Allah Taa'la that Ibrahim got his Ismael back, right away. He was the prophet, yet u finished his test midway and you returned his Ismael back to him and I m an ordinary Muslim- a follower of Ibrahim, not Ibrahim. I can't succeed if you take my test as hard as his'.

I used to ask Allah Taa'la will you take my test as difficult as ibrahim? Will you take him away from me? Will you return him back to me? I asked. I asked alot. In my every prayer, I used to question about him.

But then one day, all my prayers were answered. Ibrahim and I have the same God. He returned my beloved back to me.

The was the year when I was burning in the fire ignited in my heart. The fire no one knew about except me and my God. The year when I suffered the pain -pain of falling in love... Falling in love without letting them know about the the fire which burnt you down to the core of your heart, fire so intense, which can turn you down to the ashes...

And to you?

To you, I became a stone hearted person. A rock maybe? As hard as a rock? But, I turned into ashes. Those flames, flames of love? they, they turned me into ashes. Little did you know that I fell in love. Fell in love with you. I fell so hard that I tore myself apart. I broke myself ito many pieces, maybe countless.

And I tried to gather myself. I tried alot but I couldn't. Maybe because, I was gathering all pieces of mine but you. Everytime, I gathered myself I broke apart and dispersed into pieces again because I couldn't find my that one piece- you.

I don't know if you felt this pain before 2023, but I felt it. I felt the pain of living with out you. You know how it was?

Devastating. It was.

Maybe, that's why I still fear saying goodbye to you. Because, once, I experienced the living... a living without you... After a good bye...

Whenever you talk about going far from me, someone from inside of me screams a loud "don't go!"

If I were a mage, I would have cursed you to stay with me forever. I would never let you go, my love. Never.

And as you said, you lost yourself. Me too, lost myself when I found you.

I almost died after reading this. I thought, you can't unlove your beloved one. I thought, I could never unlove him. I never thought about "a feeling changes". All the feelings in the world would have changed, but not love. A true love. It never changes. I fight alot with him, I get upset on little things, I even used to tell him to go but I never thought of living without him,I could never imagine a life without him even after pushing him away, I wanted him to stay. I never wanted him to go.

And "feelings change?" That's not even a question to me. His words... Almost killed me. Just as mine almost kills him. We burnt each other. Maybe just as the phoenixes burn before rising?

2021- a year when we became known strangers.

The year, maybe I don't want to talk about to anyone. The year full of voids and scars. Despite knowing what my heart wants, I pushed him away. I used to deny that a strong girl could fall in love with someone she just saw for twice or thrice and talked to for about a few months...

This year I shut myself down and decided to disappear. I disappeared from my social media despite my Tumblr account. And he, he followed me here. For what? Idk for what. Maybe, he too, just like me, was burning in the flames of love... Maybe he too, was burning in the fire ignited in his heart. Or maybe I stayed in his heart just as he did. Or maybe, just as I feel alive when I see him, he feels the same. Maybe, we were each other's that one piece without which we were incomplete...

Whatever it was, I learnt lessons. And, out of all lessons the one which changed me alot was... I learnt that no matter how hard I try, I can't forget him but I felt like it's too late. So, I made a graveyard in my heart. Grave yard of memories. The memories which became a part of personality but what do you do with the deads? You miss them. All you can do is, you miss them, you yearn and you cry. That's what I used to do. But how comes I couldn't think that we are not dead?

I thought all the milk is spilled, so now, it's no use of crying over it. And I decided to forget about him by keeping myself busy.

Once again, I tried to forget him.

But can you even forget a part of you?? Can you even forget about your second half??! Koi apni jaan ko b khud se Juda krskta he Kiya??!!

اگر تم کہو تو میں خود کو بھلا دوں

Its been six years since we've met.

The javeriah you met in 2019 is a different javeriah. She was a strong girl back then. She still is, but the only difference is, that,ab you are her strength<3

When did I fall in love?

Just as you, I don't know how and when did I fall in love. I was the girl who never believed in love and love stories, I thought it's being fantasized, happens in fairytales. And just as the faires don't exist, fairytales don't exist.

I never believed in love until I met you, my Love.

And since the day I met you, I've been at peace but my heart is restless. Restless? Why? Maybe because my heart's yearning to meet you. Maybe because just as u said,

Maybe we fit perfectly? That's why my heart is both at peace and is restless when I see you.

Peace- because I found you.

Restlessness- because my heart yearns for you.

So starting from the year 2019, the year we met. The year when I found my home. The year I found peace. The year, I felt I found my other half. I was the happiest but then I read books.

I read many, books were my favourite and out of which my favorite was- sunnat e Ibrahimi, which Muslims perform on Eid ul Azha. I read abt sacrifice, but never knew it's true meaning. Igtk what the real sacrifice is when I sacrificed you for Allah despite the fire, ignited in my heart.

That day when I deactivated my account with out saying, with out telling you anything, that day I got to know how is it like to sacrifice your beloved one for your beloved one. My heart was heavy, I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to be away from you. From the beginning, I wanted to stay with you but that day I gathered all my courage and I did what I did. You said it was difficult for you, it wasn't easy for me aswell. That day I got to know the real meaning of sacrifice. Real meaning of what Eid ul Azha teaches us. Real meaning of sunnat e Ibrahimi. That day, I got to know how difficult it would have been for Ibrahim to put his knife over his beloved Ismael. And how firm his faith was, that he was ready to sacrifice.

Despite the heaviness and voids, I decided to follow that sunnat e Ibrahimi because I believed Ibrahim and I, we have the same God.

I sacrificed.

I sacrificed but in all these years I used to ask Allah Taa'la that Ibrahim got his Ismael back, right away. He was the prophet, yet u finished his test midway and you returned his Ismael back to him and I m an ordinary Muslim- a follower of Ibrahim, not Ibrahim. I can't succeed if you take my test as hard as his'.

I used to ask Allah Taa'la will you take my test as difficult as ibrahim? Will you take him away from me? Will you return him back to me? I asked. I asked alot. In my every prayer, I used to question about him.

But then one day, all my prayers were answered. Ibrahim and I have the same God. He returned my beloved back to me.

The was the year when I was burning in the fire ignited in my heart. The fire no one knew about except me and my God. The year when I suffered the pain -pain of falling in love... Falling in love without letting them know about the the fire which burnt you down to the core of your heart, fire so intense, which can turn you down to the ashes...

And to you?

To you, I became a stone hearted person. A rock maybe? As hard as a rock? But, I turned into ashes. Those flames, flames of love? they, they turned me into ashes. Little did you know that I fell in love. Fell in love with you. I fell so hard that I tore myself apart. I broke myself ito many pieces, maybe countless.

And I tried to gather myself. I tried alot but I couldn't. Maybe because, I was gathering all pieces of mine but you. Everytime, I gathered myself I broke apart and dispersed into pieces again because I couldn't find my that one piece- you.

I don't know if you felt this pain before 2023, but I felt it. I felt the pain of living with out you. You know how it was?

Devastating. It was.

Maybe, that's why I still fear saying goodbye to you. Because, once, I experienced the living... a living without you... After a good bye...

Whenever you talk about going far from me, someone from inside of me screams a loud "don't go!"

If I were a mage, I would have cursed you to stay with me forever. I would never let you go, my love. Never.

And as you said, you lost yourself. Me too, lost myself when I found you.