the imperfectly perfect chaos

I don’t remember all the names

of the boys I fell in love with

in the days of my youth.

But I have preserved

each and every one of them

in the words that I scribble.

And I’ll write another after this

And maybe after 400 poems or so

I’ll wonder if I’ve already written this or not

I’ll be lost in my own words

Lost for words

And I’ll try to drown in the misery

Of having written too much

Yet writing nothing at all

i was fifteen when i had my first kiss he was just a boy next door and i thought it was love but we were just kids who wanted to explore we were nervous and scared we talked about it for days we both wanted to do it so we sneaked out and kissed

it wasn’t that bad for a first i thought it was adorable two teenagers in love but boy i am bad at judging people it was just a kiss for me an innocent mistake how did it turn into consent to invade my personal space? i kissed his lips he touched my back but when did he slip his fingers inside my favourite pants? for years i thought it was just him i told myself that there were better men it happened once, it wouldn’t happen again you see i thought i had learned my lesson fast forward two years, i am seventeen i’ve grown up and i am healing i give love another chance i think i’ll ignore this bad feeling because i met this guy and although he is not my type but he understands me better than the rest so i wonder if this is the one. he had a rough past as well he knew better not to pass on the pain what he went through, what he felt but boys are boys and that is what there all is we went out on a date but i wasn’t feeling fine so we sat on the rooftop and we talked about his friends smoking joints the sun began to set and i thought it was beautiful until i felt his lips forced on mine that’s when it all felt like the end of the world all those mesmerizing colors vanished as i tried hard to push him away but the disgust and helplessness took over me and i waited there, frozen in that place this wasn’t supposed to happen to me i had always suffered this pain why was his hand moving down my shirt when i already told him that i didn’t want it? i felt his hand tighten around my breast as he tried to bite my lip i was stuck between him and the wall i even broke my shoe in a fail attempt to kick i hated myself, i hated myself so much and he made me feel guilty about it saying i coulnd’t please him because i couldn’t understand his fucked up state so i left him and i left him for good it was painful but important for me i needed to protect myself and i promised myself that this wouldn’t repeat

i was alone so i confided in a friend i told him about my scars how men used me as they liked because that’s just how they are he told me it will be alright that he’ll keep me safe from all the monsters and i trusted him, i trusted a man again i wish i could go back and shake myself from the shoulders

I try not to show it so often but I guess I am depressed 

Oh no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it unload my burden on you

I was just having this feeling and I didn’t know what to do

You see at first I thought it was just a bad day 

That I’d stay in and watch some movies and be okay

But then it became a bad week, and then a bad month 

And slowly I lost the count of the days, I felt worthless 

I was doing everything that I did as usual but 

the time slowed down and the pictures started to lose colors

At first I thought it was just me 

but then the whole world started to seem blur

The most difficult task became getting out of bed every day

So I started staying in, sleeping or just lying down 

thinking it was just a day off, a much needed break 

but little did I know it would gradually become my escape

I tried “reaching out” to the people around me

who posted on social media that they can help and shit

but I didn’t want to just load it all on someone

so I tried to be subtle, indirectly leaving some hints. 

People thought it was for the trend, I was being cool

They handed me more bricks to build a stronger wall

From being away from God to being delusional 

I heard it all. 

I didn’t realize when I began losing people 

Maybe it was the wall that kept them out or

maybe they just didn’t want to have someone like me around

someone who they’d talk about later of course. 

I see I’ve been speaking since some time now

And you look tired and bored of me 

Wait, let me tell you a joke or two 

anything you want, please just don’t leave.

I’m stupid? 

Yes! Of course. 

I’m so stupid that I’d try to kill myself 

by jumping from the ground floor. 

Did that make you laugh? Oh I’m glad! 

I hope you didn’t notice how badly I wanted to say

top floor instead of ground floor

because that would have only scared you away.

So I was telling you about how people left me alone

They didn't understand my isolation and coldness were just

attempts to find someone to hold onto during the storm

but instead I became invisible just like this poem

I couldn’t blame them though, I never would 

You can’t force people to be there for you

No matter how much you want to 

No matter how much they should.

I understood them despite all the dark clouds around me

I could see their fears, their thoughts, their priorities

Everyone had a right to have someone better

But they were just afraid to end up on the letter

They didn't realize how they weren't supposed to cure me

They just had to be kinder and show some empathy

But that's alright, sometimes they need it themselves too

Maybe that's why I try to be always there because I've walked in those shoes.

Instead of filling our hearts with hatred and disgust

We should look around, we all are humans

We should understand each others' pain, make them feel okay

We should try to make sure that their bad days are just bad days.

Life's too short to regret when it's too late

You can't spend it living in a state of what ifs

What if I had just called her and asked her how she was?

What if I had just stayed there when she tried to cut everyone off?

Oh, is it time for you to go?

I guess I should too.

Thank you for listening to me

I hope this stays between me and you.

Must have been 8th grade or years before that

But it took me a lot of time

To recognize it and give it a name

Because I was too scared to see it as it was

Or maybe I was just scared that it was mine.

 It wasn’t easy to accept that I was depressed

I thought it was a phase

So I called it the blues and even PMS

I thought it was the routine

Or the stress

Or maybe it was just all in my head.

 It started off as regular nightmares

About me and my death

Trust me, horrible images

And I would wake up trying to breathe

Trying to figure out what is real

But all I heard was how my faith was weak.

 I tried to be happy most of the days

(Because that was expected of me)

And when I wasn’t, I’d chose the fake ways

To wear a smile, to pretend I was fine

Doing all those things that I didn’t like

I just wanted to feel alive.

 It began to hurt, I couldn’t point it out

Was it my chest or my throat?

With days the pain began to grow

I couldn’t sleep, the tears wouldn’t stop

So I began taking pain killers

Like candies and lollipops.

 I didn’t realize back then how

Those pills and tears only

Fed the monster that was growing inside me.

It became larger and stronger than who I was

It took over everything, my relationships and routine

I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe.

 So now there I was, a scared lonely teenager

On a sleepless night, in a room that had heard too much

Of my cries and my helpless tries

With a bottle of pills and a bundle of fears

And not a single soul to help me spell the big word;

Depression.

 Sometimes I wish I could sleep one day

And wake up with no traces of this plague

No memories, no feelings, nothing at all

Just the happiness that I once lost

Somewhere between numbing my pains

But there is a whole list of things, little things, I have done which makes me more proud of myself. Things that nobody knows.

Javaria.

That is my name. It means “the one who spreads happiness.” I try to live by it. But lately, I’ve been running out of happiness to spread. I can’t find reasons to smile. And if I do, I can’t stop counting the reasons I shouldn’t smile. My life has not been the worse but it has not been easy for me either. Sometimes, I wonder what is a bigger mess, me or my life.

But in the middle of all this, I’ve been trying to find reasons to love myself. To be proud of myself. To forgive myself. To be myself.

Here’s a list of little things that I did recently. It might not matter but I’m proud of it.

1)      I accepted that I have a depression and anxiety issue.

2)      I tried to seek help despite the voices in my head telling me not to.

3)      I overcame my trust issues and made friends more than I ever did.

4)      I interacted with people even if I wanted to bury myself in my grave.

5)      I woke up even on the darkest days and managed to get out of bed.

6)      I kept myself open for people to share their issues regardless of my own mess.

7)      I didn’t isolate myself by pushing people away.

8)      I let go.

9)      I let go of my fears.

10)   I let go of my guilt and regrets.

11)   I let her go.

12)   I fell in love.

13)   I found the courage to face him.

14)   I found the courage to face him and forgive him for harassing me, for disrespecting me, for breaking my trust.

15)   I forgave them all.

16)   I forgave myself.

17)   I didn’t kill myself.

18)   I learned to be easy on myself.

19)   I survived the worst mental breakdown.

20)   I tried to be there for everyone.

21)   I smiled on the worst days.

3:33 AM

It has been two days since I can’t sleep.

I’ve been taking all these pills in vain,

Nothing is helping me right now,

I can’t seem to see a way

Out of this mess, out of my mind

What if this is it, my darling?