J ﾟJ

And secondly, lately I just really miss being in love. I’m pretty content with being single and I don’t see myself in a relationship any time soon. But there are days where I just want to be in love. Sounds stupid idk

I finally start a new job on Monday. I can’t express how much relief I feel starting a new job. My last one really started to affect my happiness. But I still feel anxiety starting a new one. I’m so scared to mess up. I already know my new team and get along with my colleagues, but I’m scared to fall behind. I’m scared that I’m not actually a good fit. I’m scared of the new culture. My new team’s culture is so much more quiet than my last one. While we get along, I know they won’t be as open as my last team. My last team were my family and really brought me comfort. Even though I was the youngest in my old team and still the youngest in my new team, the age gap is bigger in the new one. And I already can feel that huge shift. I’m so scared. But I’m also so excited to grow. Change is what I needed, but regardless change is scary. So, so scary.

Whoops meant to post this 2 hours ago lol. BUT I’ve had a lot of feelings lately. (Surprise surprise). I’ve been doing well in some things, not so well in others. I dunno. I communicate things to my friends. But not everything. Mainly to not be a burden and because no one has time and I’m not gonna force them to make time lol. We all have lives to live. And talking to my mom ISNT an option. She’s a great mom and I can talk to her about certain things. But the real deep stuff she’s not good at. At least with me. Our relationship is strong, but I never talk about my feelings much. Never did as a kid, and I can’t now. I couldn’t even do that with my grandma. Mom and grandma had that for each other, I didn’t. I don’t even know how to put what I feel into words. The only word that comes to mind is “disappear”. I don’t mean like die or stop existing. I just wanna escape I guess? Escape what, idk. I know I should see a therapist. I remember one of my colleagues brought it up out of casual conversation. We were talking about her therapy sessions, I was mainly just listening. I can’t remember what I said but it sparked her to ask me if I thought about seeing one and that it’s normal. I kind of choked up and wanted to cry. She could see through a wall I keep putting up. I told her I have, but I don’t know how to do it through our company (we have amazing benefits). She told me it was easy and to think about it. She said she thinks I have a lot on my mind that I need to unpack based on the way I just normally speak. No red flags, but can sense the hesitation everytime I talk. — I used to have a therapist as a kid. Honesty she was a breath of fresh air. It was one of the few times I felt like I could speak without getting a harsh opinion or any repercussions really. I STILL held back a little bit because I knew if I slipped and said the wrong thing I’d be under watch or something. I should look into one though. I actually do miss having one. Anyways, I didn’t mean to like talk this much, my mind just kept going and I originally wanted to say something else. Oh well lol

Secondly, I just want to VENT for a bit. My ex moved back. I have told my ex that I wanted to stop communication. That I did not want to be attached to him and that I want us to both grow up and move on. And I had told him how I didn’t feel like I mattered to him. Told him how incredibly selfish he was with me. How he broke my heart. And apparently that really stuck with him. Yesterday he called me, and thinking it was an emergency, I picked up. It was an entire speech on how he would like a do-over. Start off as friends, and hopefully crawl back up into us being together again. This made me so angry. He was being selfish again. Explained to me how his contact with the other girl was going to be at the very minimum. That he plans on staying in our state for a long time now. That he really wants to show me how much he does care and he understands that he fucked up and that this call might make things worse for me emotionally but he didn’t want to regret not asking for a chance. I wish I said no on the spot. I’m glad I didn’t say yes either. I just went, I don’t know. My answer is a no, but the smallest part of me wants to believe in him. GHF heard the phone call. And I called my mom immediately after. Both believe I should say no. My mom made points on how he’s not a good man for me now. And how he can just say anything about the other girl. Since we all live in the same state now, she mentioned he can easily see her behind my back. Also that the damaged has been done. And that I just deserve better. GHF made similar points and that I made so much progress. How there’s no trust now. And it’s too hard to build it back up. I knew all of this, but I just needed someone else to tell me that too. They both also mentioned that my happiness is what matters in the end and if he’s something I want then it’s my decision. But knowing my mom, she would never let me live down the descision to start over. She’d probably ask really difficult questions and bulldoze me only because she’s being protective and wants him no where near me. She did say don’t let anyone influence my decision (mainly her). Even though it’s a no regardless, I know my decision is still influenced. I don’t want to start over with him because I’ve had enough. But I have to ignore the little part of me that wants to “see” because of my protective mother. I’d hate to disappoint her. And I’d hate to disappoint my friends too.

There are so many moments where I want to hang out by myself. But for some reason I just can’t bring myself to do it. Like to go out and do whatever. I do it at work all the time during my lunch hour. But an hour vs an entire day is different. Plus my mother would worry like crazy. It’s one of the downsides of living with my parents. Ah idk

Grandma’s death is such a weird thing. Sometimes it feels like she never existed in my life. But then when I read an old text message from her, I feel like I’m punched in the gut with all of the memories.

Today I hung out with AIF and JEG. AIF and I ran into GHF and her boyfriend, and honestly? Besides seeing JEG later, seeing GHF was the highlight of my day. It felt like a breath of fresh air because GHF and her boyfriend were genuinely excited to see me. GHF radiated so much love. She radiated more love in a 20 minute run-in than AIF did in a 7 hour day together. Even JEG was his normal and kind self. AIF was so off today. He seemed the same way he was when we were younger.. it made me pretty sad.

I just spent the entire weekend with GHF and my childhood friends + their friends. Can someone please explain to me after a weekend of fun and smiles I still go home wanting to burst into tears? Or why every time I get too drunk I actually start crying because the feelings I push down suddenly all come back up? It’s so frustrating. I can’t stand it. On another note, I have so much love in my life. AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF LOVE. Yet I feel so unlovable. I feel small. I feel pathetic. I know I don’t need a partner to feel good. Or to feel loved. But sometimes I wish I had that too. Because I also feel like I’m not girlfriend material for anyone in this world. Like what is wrong with me? Like how did my self confidence get this low?

I listened to Lucky by Jason Mraz ft Colbie Caillat for the first time in months. After my break up, I couldn’t listen to this song because it was “our” song. This time, I was able to smile and enjoy the song. Time really does help

There’s so much more to this that I can write. But I’m too busy being in my bubble that I just can’t .. I just can’t write it down

I just.. I just don’t know.

A lot really happened tonight. I’m overwhelmed with relief, excitement, and nostalgia. I hope my future includes AIF, JEG, and the rest of our crew. They were with me since the beginning, I hope to see them with me towards the end