I hate feeling like this, like I’m nothing, I’m stupid, useless, irresponsible. I don’t like having suicidal ideation; no I’m not going to be acting on them I just hate having it cause I know how easy it would be to get a “tool” and hurt myself or just try to end it all, but it won’t fix anything long term my pain will just pass to my family and friends. I wish I was “normal”… I wish I felt okay enough with people to call them and tell them I’m not doing okay and I just need to vent and to know someone’s there that actually cares and gives a shit about me and my life, problem is if I were to do that and reach out I’d feel like I was annoying them and being a burden but am I not being a burden by shutting down emotionally?!?! Maybe I’m just supposed to keep things bottled up then explode in private or keep it bottled til it makes me kick the bucket early cause my health is crap anyways always has been. Oh well…..
