Pajama Poetry Party

The deep red and thorns of the flowers,

and the candy on my tongue,

reminds me of you on this day,

the day we always celebrated together.

The sadness I used to feel is gone,

and lingering instead is sweetness,

thankfulness at your memories you left me.

The happiness in your smile,

the glint of moon in the reflection in your eyes

dancing with stars,

the lingering scent of your perfumed hair,

swirling,

every year at this time.

I know you're here, I feel you.

As I gently mark my face and rush to stir my food,

my offering,

I smile softly back at you in my mind

and blow you kisses again.

I gently place the rose in my hair,

take a kiss of a sugared sweet,

and dance to our favorite song.

Tonight, you are here with me.

Dawn crests and breaks.

I always knew dawn was my closest companion,

Keeping me safe in the quiet hours where sleep betrayed me and the moon shone light on darkest corners.

The promising warmth allowed easy yawns, safe sleeps under the cobweb covers instead of nightmares,

And today I learned the sun is simply the warmth of your smile.

I always knew the softness was familiar, but I met you after. 

I think, if not for those long horrid nights, I'd never have felt at ease with you.

I had to bear the cold, know it inside and out, to appreciate the warm soft caress of love.

You've built me back up before, over and over, all my life without me knowing. 

The soft pad of feet to the kitchen with a cooled mug

and

your scent on the pillow, warm,

wakes me for the day.

A love so gentle it's unreal, a whisp of effervescent cotton candy fog, through my fingers before my eyes can flutter awake to the first slivers of sunlight sneaking over the horizon, sky still blue-grey.

Dulcet, mellow notes entice me, and I find you in the kitchen, singing the room to life.

Our home is in the light of your being, wrapped in your soft, warm sweater you share so eagerly between us.

I was dead, and you have risen.

Easter.

The rebirth, respawn of true selves, melts way frost, the chill left behind of a cold winter, a dearth of the love humans need to survive, to thrive.

I need you the way night needs the day to feel whole, to know the bounds of their being, to form identity, as cold cannot warm cold and night cannot illuminate night.

You are the warm I longed for and appreciate,

the presence I melt in and open up to.

I'm your refreshing cool & calm.

The cool wind that wakes you & stirs your thoughts.

Compliments. Strengths. Boundaries.

And we can appreciate our differences and our needs the way few others could not dream.

I've got your back

and

you have mine.

That is love.

Respect.

Complimentary appreciation.

And for once I feel…

You're like...

A huge, warm mug of cocoa,

held close while wrapped in a

big, fluffy blanket,

and a glowing fire crackling in the dark,

while frost spreads on the window panes

The scent of pine and cedar and balsam fir,

and peppermint,

tickling my nose,

waking me up.

The smoky comfort of long-burning embers,

an illumination in the long, cold nights.

You are comfort, and familiarity,

patience, and ease of mind,

and many many things I cannot put into words yet,

and many more things I wish to know and learn,

In Aeternum

Beauty stands before me..

No, desire..

nay, yearning.

Some sort of love indescribable by mere words from human mouths,

for no human is here but myself.

Still as a statue of marble, a work of pure exquisite art, you stand

bearing the lightness of Being

of Existing in this Realm

on this Plane

You consider me

as I consider you

Horribly different, but thoughts the same

Are you, too, 

...Impure?

Should I 

Offer worshipful prayer for the innate divinity before me?

Though I, made in sin, should never deign to touch, or fathom, or consider

such a being,

such Godliness,

a Deity,

and so Prayer, merely Sin from a lowly human, must be returned,

stolen back from the Innocent to return to the Sinner,

to not stain Purity.

And on goes the cycle, repeating and repeating.

A prayer, a kiss, given and taken, borrowed and returned,

until a fever descends

hands cup, teeth clash, lips curve..

You, too, are Impure..

The very definition of temptation and sin yourself.

And,

Oh, 

I am weak.

I am, after all, merely a poor, lowly human.

Soft breaks our fall toward a little death,

one we both welcome, search for, eagerly.

Barriers removed, boundaries crossed, weak masks crumbling.

We are falling down, down, down, to

Death, death, death.

Breathing comes in great gasps and swallows of air, 

Whispers around names as prayers,

Stolen by sweet kisses of devilish intent

Up and down great plains of warm skin,

expanding over mountains and valleys and little hills and hearts

The silk of lips and ribbons of tongues and dripping honey of all that is between us

melt and slowly, lowly, encourage, stoke, enflame

Until we are both at the precipice of propriety and savagery

You and I, though, 

we are

Impure

and we choose savagery every time.

What starts as delicate glass and fine China

Descends

into earthy sensuousness

and unearthly madness

Racing, racing, racing toward the finish

A cut-off breath,

Bites

Marks 

Hands at the neck

An urging to breathe, though we cannot,

do not wish to without the other,

and we must join

There is an insistence in both of us to become one,

to merge and never part again.

When death comes,

we welcome it.

Holy.

Forgiveness of Sin in the fires.

It caresses like the softest whisper, 

and the hottest breath of flame,

in the merging of souls.

We unite

and enfold

and tumble into that welcoming darkness

Together,

sated, Impure.

If you are true, and Pure, then I pledge my life to you,

to this Sin that stains our souls

to entwine 

in aeternum.

There is no Sin when all is Beauty,

the pages of

dusty books,

handprints on shelves,

the warm smells of

maple and coffee,

the space between the cable knit of your sweater and your warm skin,

my heart finds a home

and fills itself so full of you

The deep red and thorns of the flowers,

and the candy on my tongue,

reminds me of you on this day,

the day we always celebrated together.

The sadness I used to feel is gone,

and lingering instead is sweetness,

thankfulness at your memories you left me.

The happiness in your smile,

the glint of moon in the reflection in your eyes

dancing with stars,

the lingering scent of your perfumed hair,

swirling,

every year at this time.

I know you're here, I feel you.

As I gently mark my face and rush to stir my food,

my offering,

I smile softly back at you in my mind

and blow you kisses again.

I gently place the rose in my hair,

take a kiss of a sugared sweet,

and dance to our favorite song.

Tonight, you are here with me.

Golden light spills around the edges of

Sun taken human form

Breaths stolen away by the mere sight of purity and sweet innocence

And the feel of warm fire and

Cool waves spraying salt in the air

Crisp, clean, fresh

A gasp and dark eyes turn smiling

Enraptured, encaged in the heart of another so willingly captive to my own

You are so pretty I could cry

Sun

I lose my thoughts with you

It’s easy to see 

How the world revolves around you

Your brilliance and lustre blinding

Your magnitude and gravity inescapable

Your smile utterly bewitching

Your warm security enchanting

enchanting

enchanting

I must be hypnotized and under a spell

I must be

It is impossible to look away

Just as the flowers you smile on look to you

How could anyone ever pull away from your orbit?

Why would anyone ever want to?

Moon

Mysterious & serene, you glow from within

What are you thinking?

You are so much more than you appear

You shine pale and blue

Cold,

But… Warm

You are balance and beauty and art and the tumultuous waves of the tide of muse crashing on the rocks of writer's block and I still feel

Like I'm in a dream

You are ethereal

And pristine

And how do I find the words in the right languages to share in the right way how I feel and how you feel and how my world has imploded and exploded all at once and how do you do this

How do you continue to do this

Will this always be how I feel? 

Like I'm in the presence of such a beautiful soul I could cry at any second?

I am sensitive to your sensations and it hurts in the most beautiful way but I wouldn't change it for anything in the universe because my god I love you

And I would say to the moon and back

But you're already the moon.

Stars

My god you're so beautiful and I hate that people forget you so easily just because of the city lights shining around you and it's infuriating

because the night sky is its most beautiful with you there.

You are a soft comfort, a blazing sun in your own right, but a gentle ease from a distance

What use is inky blackness if it's not dotted with millions of tiny suns?

You can't see any color that way.

You can't find your way home, either.

And what good is that when my compass is you?

Space

You are

So many hidden colors, things

Hidden warmth and brilliance

So much more than what could ever be seen

Depth 

And pervasive support

Space is thought as empty

But it is so full

You are so full

All of life and creation is made of you

And you, all of life and creation

Of dust and stars

born from destruction and chaos

Formed into the most beautiful

Alluring

Things

Breathtaking in depth and measure

Expansive and awesome and

Illuminating

You are not the empty darkness that is assumed

That is shown

You are all matter

All of the universe in such beauty

and grace

And fluidity

You are what keeps people up at night with

Existential ponderings

Of suns and earths and moons and love and life and what-ifs and will-I-evers 

And dreams

Swirling, elusive dreams

You are a hazy comfortable sleep

filled to the brim with pleasantness

and ease

and the softest sweetest thoughts

You're espresso, bitter and bold

Chilled

And you could be warm

Could be fluid

Could be amicable, mix well with others

But God you cling to your tiny little cup, refusing to warm, refusing to open up, refusing to grow

And I can't make you.

I tried to encourage, but nobody can force someone quite so determined can they?

At some point, I grew accustomed.

Fond, even. 

Charmed.

God you're charming.

I'm sure it started forever ago

Though not entirely sure when

(Or am I?)

Was it at midnight when I was the only one you told how lonely you really were?

How heartbroken the one-night stand had made you?

How empty you felt?

Was it when you confided the darkest thoughts you had on humanity?

Was it the shared songs sent over dialup waiting for days only to be intrigued and sing along because those meant something to each of us?

Did it mean something?

I ask, because I fell.

But I fell a long time ago and never admitted it

How naive I was to think I could bear the weight of it

Tolerate it

I carved out space for you in my flesh and you took it up, even though you never asked for it, and never thanked

(And I never asked for thanks)

And you whispered things

Dark things

And I assured you, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay

It's not scary, it's safe

I'm here, I promise, I'm safe

But I wasn't, not from you

And you worked your way in like a splinter under my nail

But I don't have the tools needed to get you out from so deep

 and you're stuck

Some dark stain, just left there

And I don't know what to do with all these tiny little pieces of you that were left behind in me

Little facts, worries, wounds, pains, tears

Left in seclusion

In safety

And I'm left alone

To blame, of course

I never even got an answer

You were there and then not

Gone

And I'll never really truly know but I can guess all the directions I'd be blamed and all the pathetic meager ways you'd pin it on me, say I fooled myself, I believed what I wanted but you

Are the one who whispered words like honey

Those things that you should have never said

Because you never meant them

And I knew but damn if hope doesn't spring eternal and I'm a hopeless romantic

I knew, deep down, it wasn't hope blooming

I knew it was a wound

A gaping, mawing wound and that it was slowly eating me alive to keep you safe and damn

Damn

I don't even exist to you anymore, I'm sure

But I still hope you find peace, peace, peace

Growth is personal

You're like...

A huge, warm mug of cocoa,

held close while wrapped in a

big, fluffy blanket,

and a glowing fire crackling in the dark,

while frost spreads on the window panes

The scent of pine and cedar and balsam fir,

and peppermint,

tickling my nose,

waking me up.

The smoky comfort of long-burning embers,

an illumination in the long, cold nights.

You are comfort, and familiarity,

patience, and ease of mind,

and many many things I cannot put into words yet,

and many more things I wish to know and learn,

I wish I could quit

I wish I could forget you, forget everything you put me through, forget I ever made the mistake of choosing you at all

I had everything planned out so well,

all that I'd give my child,

all that I'd do,

and you worried me down like stone, word by word, moment by moment, day by day until I was crumbling, nothing left but dust

and now even the slightest affection from anyone has me in tears, clutching nothing, confused, wishing I'd never ever known the pain you brought so maybe I could still be naive enough to believe in kindness without expectations

It hurts. So much.

SO much.

The questions you make me ask of myself without ever saying a word.. "why would anyone choose me, why would anyone be kind to me, how could I possibly be worthy,"

No one should ever ask these things of themself.

I make it quite a point to drive that into my child's head and heart, and I can't even do it for myself because of you.

You've been the stroke I never wanted, left me paralyzed, and god I'm trying to rehabilitate but when days like today happen.. I still find myself questioning, never sure anymore, never accepting anymore.

Trying to step away, to run, to deny, to distance, to self-sabotage.

It has taken everything in me, and everything more still to come, to try to keep myself from running from gentleness, from warmth.

God, it's so hard because of you.

Even now, even tomorrow, even next week or month or year.. I will always be afraid.

Since you, I will always be afraid.

I hope you're happy.

No, I hope you're never happy again. I hope you feel the same weight, no..worse, in your own heart and your own mind. I hope you have a moment of self-realization and wonder how you could have ever hurt someone like that.

Two someones.

I hope you know neither of us will ever trust you with anything ever again. And that you'll never be welcomed or accepted by anyone. And that no, you're not deserving of the warmth and happiness you stole away from us.

I hope you live with that feeling of unease, of discomfort, of dis-ease, for the rest of your breaths until you die, I hope it never lets up, I hope it chokes you in the worst most painful way possible.

Because you didn't hurt just me.

Jeez, I know this will hit close to home, and that it must be so hard to see these unbroken bones, unbent back, unswayed and rooted stance, unflinching morals in the face of oppression, but don't you ever look away? Look away. ...look away. I hear that you're breathing down my back when I'm not around, and there's whispers of how you regret things, but creeping on someone's poetry blog for the tiniest glimpse of the light you ran from, the light you praised so loudly and miss so terribly but would snuff out so easily if given the chance, isn't attractive. It isn't alluring, it's an Unwanted mess.

And I learned so much about you when you dropped me like scalding hot frybread at IICOT just before competition, running to look good for others and not show your true colors, gotta preen for the cameras, click! Click! Click! Don't click on my page, you've been blocked and I'm gone. That's what you wanted when I was too bright for you anyway, wasn't it? Is that why your morals are so shady?

Mediation was always your strong suit, you claimed so publicly and proudly, sitting at tables with people who wanted all of us, all our communities - even you - dead. Yet you couldn't even handle communicating honestly because the money was too good to listen to truth. All cash registers and paychecks, cha-ching! If someone isn't that or white, they're useless to you. And yet..

Even now, though, you hover just out of view. You check. You look. You click. You can't help it, can't help wondering what you lost after trying to get a foot in the door with me anyway, and sharing such intimate confessions - confessions you begged not to be shared with others - trying to lovebomb and get a snag, so desperate for attention and affirmation in any form. You must feel...Starved. In shambles. Shaken to your core that your truth is known (don't worry, it's not outed 🙄).

Seen, in every way you don't want to be. I'd say selfish for wanting light that's not yours, but you've never known what selfish is have you? Only because you won't acknowledge that's what you are. Instead, I'd argue you're Scared, with a capital S. Running, in fact. For your life. So terrified of your own shadow, of any light reflecting off yours and showing the ugly truth of who you are.

Messy. Messy messy messy.

You're like...

A huge, warm mug of cocoa,

held close while wrapped in a

big, fluffy blanket,

and a glowing fire crackling in the dark,

while frost spreads on the window panes

The scent of pine and cedar and balsam fir,

and peppermint,

tickling my nose,

waking me up.

The smoky comfort of long-burning embers,

an illumination in the long, cold nights.

You are comfort, and familiarity,

patience, and ease of mind,

and many many things I cannot put into words yet,

and many more things I wish to know and learn,

Sun

I lose my thoughts with you

It’s easy to see 

How the world revolves around you

Your brilliance and lustre blinding

Your magnitude and gravity inescapable

Your smile utterly bewitching

Your warm security enchanting

enchanting

enchanting

I must be hypnotized and under a spell

I must be

It is impossible to look away

Just as the flowers you smile on look to you

How could anyone ever pull away from your orbit?

Why would anyone ever want to?

Moon

Mysterious & serene, you glow from within

What are you thinking?

You are so much more than you appear

You shine pale and blue

Cold,

But… Warm

You are balance and beauty and art and the tumultuous waves of the tide of muse crashing on the rocks of writer's block and I still feel

Like I'm in a dream

You are ethereal

And pristine

And how do I find the words in the right languages to share in the right way how I feel and how you feel and how my world has imploded and exploded all at once and how do you do this

How do you continue to do this

Will this always be how I feel? 

Like I'm in the presence of such a beautiful soul I could cry at any second?

I am sensitive to your sensations and it hurts in the most beautiful way but I wouldn't change it for anything in the universe because my god I love you

And I would say to the moon and back

But you're already the moon.

Stars

My god you're so beautiful and I hate that people forget you so easily just because of the city lights shining around you and it's infuriating

because the night sky is its most beautiful with you there.

You are a soft comfort, a blazing sun in your own right, but a gentle ease from a distance

What use is inky blackness if it's not dotted with millions of tiny suns?

You can't see any color that way.

You can't find your way home, either.

And what good is that when my compass is you?

Space

You are

So many hidden colors, things

Hidden warmth and brilliance

So much more than what could ever be seen

Depth 

And pervasive support

Space is thought as empty

But it is so full

You are so full

All of life and creation is made of you

And you, all of life and creation

Of dust and stars

born from destruction and chaos

Formed into the most beautiful

Alluring

Things

Breathtaking in depth and measure

Expansive and awesome and

Illuminating

You are not the empty darkness that is assumed

That is shown

You are all matter

All of the universe in such beauty

and grace

And fluidity

You are what keeps people up at night with

Existential ponderings

Of suns and earths and moons and love and life and what-ifs and will-I-evers 

And dreams

Swirling, elusive dreams

You are a hazy comfortable sleep

filled to the brim with pleasantness

and ease

and the softest sweetest thoughts