j a m i l a's _t h o u g h t s

19 October.

A date I may never forget.

Two special people left a big gap in my heart. The news came unexpectedly. I couldn't stop the tears, my heart is in so much pain. I didn't know that the a heartache could be manifested physically. I saw my post last year for my Aunt's death. Now Lalang. Shella, girl, I hoped I made you feel loved and told you how grateful I am to have met you. You were an inspiration to me to follow my dreams, you're positive attitude and contagious laugh makes me believe in love and life. Your generous and giving heart is one of the things you freely give. Too much emotions.

Heart crushed 3 DECEMBER2017

So it was that time of the year where in, hearts are out in my sleeves, and there he is, once again, ignoring, and jokingly rejecting my request.

I knew this day would come, I think I was too naïve to believe, that his eyes. His eyes and body language speaks to my soul, but there are no words.  Our eyes locked, it compares to the moment I felt love.  It feels so real, it touches the heart, moves my soul, and brings joy to my heart that hid from darkness.  That happiness replaced with the crushing sound of my heart underneath the soles of his shoes, with back turned, and eyes looking away.  His words, his actions says otherwise from the times, happiness and possibly love rocked my world.  Tears wont come down, until you see, with your own eyes, a simple post of him and the once love he totally said he had nothing on, no feelings.   There it is forever posted, for everyone to see.  No one knows but me.  He talks to me in secret about, his life, his aspirations, his problems, and yet when together, we ignore each other. Or Rather, sad but true he ignores me, and does not acknowledge my very existence.  How is it so true, and painful I have to add, that the person you thought gave you strength, would be the one to break your heart.  How is it possible, that every effort, you put through for that person, seems to be wasted on, and yet I continue to think it is still love.  He comes to me in times of need, asks me to be with him, and yet when I ask him to be there for me, I am left alone in the shadows of my own fears and doubts,, left alone to rise from pain by myself.  He attempts to help, but then can’t, or rather won’t come to my aid, for reasons I do not understand.  Is it possible, that I have no heart?  Is it possible he sees I am too strong that I do not need any help.  I just wonder,  how can he not see the longing in my eyes when I see him?  How can he not see that the mere touch, the mere presence he has in my life, at that very moment, is special.  He is special.  Aren’t my actions enough? Aren’t my words enough? Does my smile not even reveal that love I have for him? Does my eyes not show, that I wait for him? That I am slowly drowning in my own tears?  Isn’t my support enough that even after all, I have given, I am still. Neglected by the very person I have given everything to?

I never wanted his attention in the first place, I knew I loved, yes loved, and not even like this person.  The look I got from his eyes reveals love beyond words.  When I close my eyes, I can still see his eyes piercing through my soul, even making me smile even with all this going on in real life. My heart, though it pumps ever so fast because of my condition, it slows down when I think of him. My soul breaks into tiny pieces, and all I have left is to give them to God.  He is the only thing I can cling to that is real and won’t let me go, He is faithful.  It is with so much emotion, sadness really, that the look, and smile that once made my heart glad, now makes my heart, crushed. Now when I see him, I don’t know if I can hide the sadness, nor hold my tears that may fall when I lock eyes with him again. Nobody knew about what we had, because he made sure it would be kept that way.  The only thing I can do now, is hope and pray that someday, I would find that love again.  Hopefully better than the last time, and hopefully the last because it would be perfect from Him. But now, my heart is crushed, and I am expected to move forward.  So forward I shall go, taking my pieces, and showing my scars, hoping that the next love I would find is eventually the last.

the only thing left to do. Is look up.

WE all have our days, where we feel like the things we do best are the things we offer God.  The only thing we can offer is ourselves and the time we “think”and “approve” of is what God wants for us. 

God also His time where in He reveals His message in the most profound and strangest times in our lives.  It is at times we are so caught up in the hype of the world where we forget, that the things we think we do for the Lord has already loss its purpose.  Last Saturday, I was reminded of that by the words of one of people who influenced me the most, and that is Tito C. Mina.  Sometime ago, I rmember asking God to reveal His message, and through time, I developed everything I can for the Lord, responded to His request, and yet, there was something still bothering me.  Last night I am privileged to have heard those words straight from God thru Him.  I feel blessed that despite what other people thought of that message being irrelevant, untimely, it is in fact God’s time.  We have given up so much time we have for God. Always following His will but in our conditions, and that time, was the best time, everyone was caught off-guard, and yet His message has remained resounding so loud in my heart that I am overwhelmed so much longingness and love from our God.

I know we all have our opinions on what kind of sinners we are, and that we are often forgiven, but I am always reminded, that because of us being alert and aware of what we do and the responsibilities He has given us and anointed us is also something we have to be careful about.  Our actions, our words are the character we have built for ourselves.  It is our response to His call that remains.  The way our flock responses is also an expression of what kind of leadership you have.  We say we don’t want to be like sheep just merely following the leader, and yet here we are so good in manipulating everyone around us to do our will, but we always say for God.  We have to be vigilant in choosing the words we say, I know and I always say I am not perfect, because I know that I am not, but everyday is a blissful struggle to please Him.  Most of the things I know and love to do is something that I know the Lord has instilled in me.  Mistakes, failures, pain are all part of an elaborate plan to humble me, to teach me WHAT NOT TO DO.  Most of the time, we think we all do everything for Him, but really how do you know how deep your love is for God? No one else can tell you, but Him.  All these are felt through the Holy Spirit, everything is at Peace.  For God is a God of order, our emotions, desires (especially for the worldy lures) always results in temporary happiness and emptiness, the ultimate ingredients to CHAOS.  Our God has given us these leaders because He knows they are the most passionate, committed and the most sinful.  When Jesus assigned His disciples, He made sure that those disciples are those who have been mooulded strong enough to withstand all of those hateful, painful words the world will continue to offer.  The leader’s conviction, commitment, and desire to become better is the reason we are all obeying His will. When manipulation is present and encountered, the only thing we can really do, since it’s the right thing, is to pray.  Pray our hardest for those who have intentionally, shut their ears into listening to His word.  It may not be this time, but someday, they will get the message, but in the most difficult time of their lives.  God is a forgiving God, but he does have some rage that is and will be shown in the most silent way possible, but it will rock our worlds.