tear in my heart

“Yeah, they’re like magic… Especially mine,” she added jokingly. “I know,” Hadley laughed, acting as if she just worked a miracle. Smiling at the response, she leaned back into the couch. “You’re so nice, I have no clue why,“ she grinned. "Okay what’s your favorite food so when I come home I could get some too and we could have a whole buffet with it.”

She rubbed Jamie’s back softly before pulling back. “Thank you,” she said with a sympathetic look on her face before reverting her eyes back down. “Um, anyway,” Hadley started to say, “are you okay?” She asked, wondering how her roommate was feeling about everything. “Also do you want pizza? I’ll heat some slices up for us in the microwave since it’s probably cold by now.” She offered as she proceeded to get up and stretch from her seat. 

“I’m so sorry this is so messy,” Hadley apologized after the girl’s response, upset that she couldn’t be more reassuring about the whole situation. The truth is she didn’t know where everything would be headed at the moment, so she didn’t want to make any promises she couldn’t keep which made her feel very incompetent. “Thanks for being understanding about everything. And I’m sorry that this didn’t go the way you might’ve hoped, but I can guarantee you that no matter what happens our relationship isn’t going to diminish,” she pulled Jamie in for a hug to show her appreciation for her patience and tolerance with her.

Hadley shook her head, finally bringing her eyes up to meet Jamie’s. “No! No, it’s okay,” she said suddenly, not wanting the girl to feel bad for anything, “It’s better that you told me. Because now I know how you feel and now you know how I feel… Which is a very good thing because now we’re honest with each other and we know what’s going on. See, don’t worry nothing bad happened between us, we’re all good.” She gave her a comforting grin, rubbing small circles on her roommate’s hand as she thought of what to say next. “Yeah but you make me happy too in a different way. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m going to talk to Gus about it as soon as I can,” Hadley spoke softly.

It felt like years before the silence was broken. Hadley continued looking down and just nodded her head in response. Now she was the one who couldn’t look at Jamie, feelings of uneasiness coming over her. She cracked a tiny smile of appreciation at the girl’s touch and stopped her nervous movements in order to hold onto the other’s hand rather tightly, more like out of need. “Yeah,” she breathed out. “I really like spending time with you,” she slowly admitted. “And I didn’t really think it was much of an issue to really think about and analyze until, well, now,” she said, internally conflicted on the best way to handle her situation. “It’s not like a bad issue though. I mean you’re fine, you’re great, but I’m just a mess of a person,” she added quickly so Jamie wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

Slowly pulling back, Hadley took a deep breath, completely winging what she was about to say. “But you didn’t…” she insisted. “And to be honest, I really am relieved that you said it because I don’t know… When we’re together I feel all the things you’re supposed to feel when you’re with someone that really means a lot to you. And I just passed it off as thinking that it’s cause you’re just such good friend to me. But now that you told me how you feel, it’s made me realize that maybe you mean more than just a friend to me… And I’m just so confused right now because yeah,” she rambled, her voice getting quieter as she finished her last sentence. All the confidence and eye contact she tried to muster fell apart the second she opened her mouth to talk about her feelings. So now she was left nervously playing with the fabric of the end of her shirt, heart racing as she waited for Jamie’s response.