Lotus

#facts #europe

And this happens 🤦‍♀️ https://www.instagram.com/p/B3XJ0ojBOxW/?igshid=5gv6fdshv6zn

#veggie #chicken #rice #dinner https://www.instagram.com/p/B2aZsEGhIz8/?igshid=1mlsg9hgask9f

When i turned 4 my life changed forever see I don’t remember much from that age but I’ve been in counseling and it’s been helping me understand a lot of my actions. I’ve done things to my own family members I am not proud of but I always wondered why. See now I’m like what was I thinking or how could I? In 1994 I was in the foster system. Got left with some fucked up people. Shit that you see on a movie I was living in horror, little by little these people destroyed my mind making me do sick things. But besides the details I remember after being in court again and them saying they found me. The state of Florida decided that I shall stay with my grandma in Florida (my dad mother) and I was always at the doctors and therapy is a must. Then I believe when I turned 8 I went to New York to live with my other grandmother. This will be the first time I meet my other siblings my mother had. Ok but before even leaving Florida I was in therapy and a crap load of medicine. These was a part of me now and I needed them to get through my daily life. Now when your grandmother who is retired and taking trips around the world now have to put her life on pause to help her daughter with 3 children. All the therapy and medicine slowly but surely stopped. My therapist explained to me that all those was in place for a reason because after looking into my history I out of 4 siblings got it the worst because I was in foster care the longest. Not being able to focus made it hard to stay in school but living in a home with religious beliefs medicine and therapy is not recognized as normal or needed in my grandmothers house hold. Didn’t help either with stress from my mother on a regular. I will leave that for another day. But as of right now I have the ability to take care of myself and start forgiving myself because I know if I had a family that had more time for me I wouldn’t have to be doing this. I sound selfish but if you knew the details you would agree as well. I apologize to absolutely everyone I damaged. I was reflecting and it’s still a blur but there are nights I wake up crying because after being read the description reports it was like a nightmare portal had open up and I’m starting to dream of the black gap and reliving my age from 4 watching from the outside in. I wake up like someone was sitting on my chest ...... My emotions are absolutely everywhere... I start talking to myself on how am I going to apologize and explain this all at the same time but knowing my family they will say “I’m always a victim” and I do things for attention (this is why I moved to Florida and stay to myself) Start predictions on what if’s, then start to cry I loose focus on what I was doing because the flashes start and I’m crying again.. The most shitty part about it is I can never control my emotions but having ptsd we are known to be most sensitive but who wants to explain that to absolutely everyone you talk to. My whole life Couldn’t explain my actions and now since I took my life into my own hands to get better I see things differently now. I’m not there but I feel I will be soon. I’m taking care of myself. It’s lonely now but it’s been this way before so it’s just getting use to it again but I’m okay with it. I need this way more than people think.

#dinner #rawherbs https://www.instagram.com/p/B2P7hSrhamu/?igshid=u36mig35vbrr

#dinner #veggies #lchp cooking with my #husband #goals #healthylifestyle #blogger #bloggerstyle #tiptuesday https://www.instagram.com/p/B2PpxYHhk-PiO1VIcFxjebr_ItQo5CBQMLm5HQ0/?igshid=1vm5owrfbozn7

#dinner https://www.instagram.com/p/B2Nw-WihI8IJyx4rfcuMlFmYo5PD1w1E-k6KaU0/?igshid=1jowndvf43ac7

#pizza #dinner https://www.instagram.com/p/B2IcB3-h8aJf0bXx349kHJlhK5gYxU8FtIz6v00/?igshid=l9gapdvkgsel

#dinner #salmon #garlic #veggie https://www.instagram.com/p/B2F2zL6h6P_PlQ03OpdGfqjm7W5TfooaFsg0wI0/?igshid=uvpkhxt251ai

#buddhism #spiritualawakening https://www.instagram.com/p/B2DFBbEhvAw0KjPNPGJZUNM_Pu-mo2oqA1s2PA0/?igshid=1k0ua83ms1rfa

#repost https://www.instagram.com/p/B2DEhE5h8vYvbuHZEOxWdJqywHNfZMURo1P6jg0/?igshid=8mhd9p62oekd

#gameon https://www.instagram.com/p/B1-KjJ7BIaczcarsiRGtejm5emQykcbB7BiEHg0/?igshid=1oduqr7x1jrab

#florida #sunset #clouds #hurricanedorian https://www.instagram.com/p/B198u5mhSGDuie-r7Ck2Hg1IxUJ0-7WWvy3ZaI0/?igshid=608k98qy0zf6

Time to focus can’t keep on trying to replay negative thoughts. Better me stronger family #positivity #ptsd https://www.instagram.com/p/B19iZzUn0c6EdWgrXbHJcy_-femhmBbeZhcyH80/?igshid=ezzxdt7l4wlq

#chickensausage and #eggs simple #breakfast https://www.instagram.com/p/B19BM58h6IS2JWGJ-QcACZE0310ch7nz3GfVjc0/?igshid=16nrqrchfpl5q