Maya is gone. Looking back at this record, I see clearly what I was going through. I am happy I can look back here and see what has changed. What I still have to change. What I can’t just leave forever.
The relationship was broken, on a deep level.
I am devastated at the moment. Nothing else has so changed my life in an instant then when I talked to her on the 16th of June, 2021. Lost all appetite and couldn't sleep for more than 4 hours. We broke up on the 16th of February. Our anniversary was on the 15th. We started dating on November 15th, 2018. Our relationship lasted until early summer in 2020. So we were together for about 2 years I would say, although it was less time officially. But it feels like forever.
I would chalk it up to environment and phase in life. But it’s unmistakable looking here at the pain and confusion. Love is complicated and a mystery. Passion and indifference pass together close. Why does love exist? Why does it persevere? I know I was weak then, and I know I am still weak now. Would anything be different now? I think so...the time where I was out of school was so much better mentally for me.
But, the relationship needed to end, at some point. It was inevitable. Maya needs what she needs, and she needs to try to get what she needs. And that involves walking forward into the future, into a new question. She had to discontinue her love for me. Bless her.
Pain. Loss. Grief. I miss her. I want to know her. Looking into the future without the shadow of this partner is simply depressing and lonely.
Regret for not loving her when I could. Regret for meeting her when I was so turned on myself. Regret for not knowing myself and what mattered.
Joy for meeting her when I did, and her love, God’s love, confronting me, giving me what I could have never asked for. Miraculous growth that is proof of God. It is undoubtable looking back.
I wish there was a future here. I wish it didn’t have to die. I don’t know how to process that...how to move beyond it. Hopefully my therapy will help.
I am going back to church, and will become involved in the Episcopal church.
I am committing to a year of therapy. 52 sessions.
I am committing to prayer, and a life of determined solitude. Of discovering myself through disciplined silence. Book of Common Prayer study. Boo
I am committing to loosening my grip on what I pictured my future to be. I will listen for your will, and until then, I will simply toil and live. I could become a gardener and be happy. I give up my time, my future to You.
I do not expect anything from these activities other then beginning a long walk. I will listen, and hope and pray for health and love and friendship and joy and passion. But I will also reinforce the silence that is God.
Some days there is rain. Other days there is sun.
Wind comes and wind goes.
There is a present, that is constantly becoming the past.
My memory is bad.
And the sunlight obliterates. It is grass on the skin, or rest, or sweat.
I wonder what I will be in a year. I hope right now to see Maya again. I hope we can be friends. I hope that God can save me from myself, as he has done in the past. I wonder what therapy will bring.
I still love her, desperately. I love her more than I ever have, presently. Only now, with a new environment, and with her putting me behind her.
7/1/2021
