searching for his Light

Night’s like this, you craved the most.

A popular movie on, the coffee table littered with snacks and empty soda cans; with the woman you love nestled safely in your arms.

Like a domesticated cat, you trained Joker to stay in and do the mundane. No long, dangerous night terrorizing Gotham City. Not tonight, at least. The Joker, a cold-hearted crime boss, responsible for thousands of murders, was watching a rom-com with you dressed in fluffy pajamas.

Granted, they have tiny skulls on them—you’ll take it as a win.

Joker chuckles softly at the scene unfolding and wordlessly cranes her neck for you to lower another marshmallow into her mouth. She’s unpredictable in the way she eats smores deconstructed. Joker ate the graham crackers first before moving onto the chocolate bars.

That took forever since she allowed the morsels to melt on your fingers so she could suck them off.

You had to pause the movie for a few minutes after that little stunt…

Moving on… your fingers were squeaky clean again. The marshmallow slipped past her charcoal painted lips the exact moment the lights flickered and a loud clap of thunder shook the building.

The generator wasn’t kicking on and you barely heard the wobbly squeak come from your arms. It took a minute to recognize that it was Joker who made the noise and even longer to notice she was shaking.

You blinked in shock. This girl walked through gunfire and fought Batman as a hobby. How on Earth was she scared of thunder?????

A bright flash of lightning—quite literally right outside the window, struck followed by an ear-spitting rumble of thunder that sent Joker into a fit. She was already clinging to you before. Now she was trying to fuse into your skin.

Her face was buried in your chest, making the most pitiful sounds known to man.

Cute..

Still, you were at a loss. The sight was just too bizarre to grasp.

Was she faking it? No way, Joker was shaking like a leaf, her mint-colored eyes pleading with yours for help. What kind of heartless man would turn a blind eye to a damsel in distress?

“Oh, c’mere, J. Easy.. easy. I’m right here baby.” you cooed.

You felt awful for feeling this way but protecting Joker and being a natural provider—it was a high you could never quit.

Joker was always this strong female lead, forced to be cut-throat to survive the environment she ruled. She couldn’t afford a moment of weakness. The one thing she so desperately craved above all else.

She got to experience that with you.

So, it came as no surprise that you jumped at this golden opportunity to baby your girlfriend.

You were the only one to bear witness to Joker’s vulnerability. You were the only one she trusted. And you were the only one who would treat her like a girl and not get stabbed in the back for it.

All of Gotham City could laugh and call you a pathetic bottom. They didn’t know the dynamic of this relationship behind closed doors.

Joker wasn’t in control all the time and that was okay because you picked up the slack for her. You were here to protect her even in absolute darkness. You would protect Joker to your dying breath.

There had be a reason why your mother was so stupid.

Yes, she wants the best for you. Yes, you love her dearly and the feeling is mutual. However, you and your mom are polar opposites. She wears pearls like body armor. Her heels click loudly when she walks into a room, and her word is final as she locks down a business deal.

She’s a powerhouse in every sense of the word, but she’s just a woman. And that’s where common sense fails her. Because by her side, your father undermines her entire life’s work. He secretly works against her, ruining funding, handling illegal business deals, and tarnishing her career.

Your parents are both ruthless, power-hungry individuals. One works for the people, the other only for himself. Ying and Yang, covertly at odds yet madly in love. It doesn’t make sense to you.

Perhaps it never will. You hate your father—and yes, having daddy issues is a compliment. You go out of your way to embrace the ‘misunderstood’ lifestyle to aggravate your father.

Mom doesn’t mind; if fact she supports your dark aesthetic and gloomy persona. Well sometimes the heavy metal blaring from your room is a bit much… but she could never be disappointed in her only daughter.

But dad? Dad is the reason why it’s 2AM and men are breaking into the house hoping to ‘burn the corruption’ to smithereens.

You know he’s behind all of this bad press Mom’s had recently. He was secretly trying to take over.

You’re thankful Mom already left for a PR event, because Thursday is normally girl’s night. She lets you paint her nails black and vent about injustice in Gotham. She does her best to incorporate your ideas into real world solutions. In return, you let her play dress up and turn you into a ‘proper daughter’ aka, a mini her.

It’s not helping your cause tonight. You can hear thugs tearing the place apart; looking for your mother. You wore one of her tweed suits; in honor of girl’s night, you tell yourself..

It’s gonna get you killed.

You sneak around a corner, straight into a solid chest.

Joker barely recognized you based on how your dressed. His intel confirmed that the Governor’s family was home, but he didn’t know know you were the Governor’s daughter.

This put a wrench in the plans. Mainly because Joker didn’t wish to burn the house down with you inside.

Perfect political mother, corrupt businessman of a father, and rebellious daughter. You really are the black sheep of the family.

Why should you carry the sins of your father? You had nothing to do with this. Joker was growing soft..

You still didn’t know his name but his eyes… so green and troubled. You were about to ask Joker what was going on, when he knocked you out and heaved you onto his shoulder.

He would get another chance at killing your father; tonight, Joker was saving a life.

You’ve done some pretty reckless things in your life, some that you would take to the grave. This by far took the cake.

Your left eye was twitching. You could still hear your doctor’s enthusiastic voice buzzing in your ear, and to top it all off—your stomach was growling excessively demanding fuel. That was the final straw to this drama filled day.

There was no way to describe your current situation other than screwed—so you sat in your car in an attempt to process it all.

Cars and pedestrians passed by as you spiraled into a state. All you could think about was how royalty screwed you were, until a shrill ringtone ceased all thought. The sound should have compelled you to answer, however, the caller was the root of your current predicament.

Let Joker’s call go to voicemail. You had other things to worry about.

You examined the screen as it faded into black until it lit up again with another call from Joker. Him and that dumb ringtone. Somehow, he managed to annoy you without being present.

You sat in silence as calls kept coming in. It became clear that Joker would not give up trying to contact you.

After the twenty-seventh call in a row, you finally answered. “What.”

Joker didn’t pick up the sharp edge in your voice. To him, calling someone thirty consecutive times was normal.

You had no one to blame for this but yourself. You signed up for this when you forced Joker to be your partner. You remember storming into J’s hideout and claiming him in front of everyone. At the time, reckless passion spurred you on. You wanted Joker in every sense of the word, and you got what you wanted.

He was no longer just a thrill, rather a (somewhat) stable partner.

However, today’s results would ruin this happy bliss.

“Finalllllll-y, you answered! Ya know… it’s not nice to keep a man uhhh.. hanging. C’mon Bun! Tell me! Tell me! I’m heh, dying to know.”

No doubt he was. The two of you were anxious the entire week leading up to this appointment. If Joker weren’t a wanted criminal, he could have joined you and already be privy to the results. Dating said criminal had its setbacks, not like you were worried about that either.

The crisp white sheet of paper in your lap was your only concern.

The same one that held life altering results printed in black ink. You stared at it as though it would blow up any second.

Meanwhile, Joker singing ‘tell me, tell meeeeee’ in your ear, (off-key might you add) finally made you snap.

“Would you shut up, J? It’s positive, alright? I’m… I’m pregnant.”

And just like that, reality hits you.

There went your carefree, party lifestyle. Going out every night with your friends? Ha, that will end. Bringing home a random stranger whenever you felt like it? Well, Joker already put a stop to that ages ago, but it was the principal of the matter!

Living your best life in search of a thrill was so far out of reach now that you had a baby on the way.

And it was all Joker’s fault. Well, yours too.

It took two to tango after all. Yet the one time he forwent a condom, it was during the most intense sex the two of you ever had. Neither of you were thinking that night.

You let Joker take you inside a poorly lit storage room without protection. Jealously, possession, and unbridled need took precedence and it did not dawn on either of you to check if J wrapped up the goods beforehand.

He always did—to avoid situations like this. Precisely to avoid the problem you now found yourself in.

Your worst nightmare come to life; yet a part of you was overjoyed by this news. You had struggled to put a label on this newfound relationship for months. Yes yes, J boldly declared you as his. But the general public didn’t take him seriously and that left you in a precarious situation.

Being with Joker—to put things mildly, was different.

You would have never imagined Joker being a public display type of lover. He kept you glued to his side during important meetings. He bragged about you to anyone who was forced to listen. Which was often. He went as far as making beaded bracelets with his and your initials to wear. There was no shame when it came to letting people know you were his and still, it wasn’t enough.

It was exhausting to get him to confirm your status.

Sure, Joker paraded you around Gotham City, but he never publicly declared you as his girlfriend. You kept quiet, not wanting to annoy Joker or worse, scare him away and oftentimes that shyness was mistaken as weakness.

Random women thought you were some passing fling. Oh heck no. Joker was not single out here in these streets. You were just (im)patiently waiting for him to confirm your rightful place.

One night, you smashed a bottle over a girl’s head when she got too cozy with J in a club booth. Punched another girl when she offered Joker a lap dance and if Frost didn’t drag you away, all hell would have broken loose when she refused to move.

How dare she sit in Joker’s lap? That was your seat! What would it take for people to get the message? Joker was yours. You just wished he give you a title already to prove it!

Joker knew his girl was territorial. You wore jealously well and it turned him on seeing you fight off various suitors. He even instigated some interactions just to see you all riled up.

Joker knew you wanted a proper title; he was just a bit of a sadist. If denying you turned you into this insatiable monster… then so be it. He thoroughly enjoyed the jealous-charged sex that always followed your outbursts. Maybe he enjoyed it a bit too much.. hence your current predicament.

The signs were there from the start should anyone care to notice.

Sudden mood swings? Triple check. A fluctuation in sexual libido? Absolutely, Joker welcome those wanton urges with open arms. Loss of appetite and nausea? Now that seemed to be the final straw.

It all came to a head during a date night.

Soft candlelight bore witness to you and Joker enjoying each other’s company. He took the night off and rented out your favorite restaurant. You thought it was finally the night he would ask you to be his girlfriend, so you dressed up to the nines in preparation.

Everything was going well. The waiter set the plates down and in two seconds flat, you were gagging at the smell. Joker kept your hair from getting in the way as you emptied your stomach into a potted plant.

You barely remember hearing his gentle, ‘there, there doll. Let it allll out’ as the waiter begged for their life—as if it were their fault you got sick.

You weren’t sure what happened to them. You were certain that you killed the poor plant with your bile though. And to make matters worse, that entire episode ruined the date. You never received the girlfriend promotion you yearned for.

Joker carried you back to the car once you were able. He hadn’t said a word since his mind racing.

Joker prided himself on being perceptive. He managed to notice you weren’t your normal self in between long nights destroying Gotham.

For instance, you began to glow… more so than usual around the same time you started taking more trips to the bathroom and complaining about fatigue. The aforementioned signs also had to be taken into consideration. These subtle clues piled up until Joker couldn’t ignore them anymore.

He wasn’t born yesterday. He pulled you aside and flipped your entire world upside down with a total of six words.

“Tomorrow, you’re getting a pregnancy test.”

Which led you back to the present. Sitting outside the clinic all alone, holding your phone—trying not to burst into tears. And you were failing miserably.

You tried delaying the appointment, but Joker threatened to blow up a pre-school if you didn’t go. The man had morbid ways of manipulating you.

Speaking of—shouldn’t he be saying something after such life-altering news? After all, you did drop a bomb on him.

“J-Joker, are you still there?”

Silence. Your heart sank. Fresh tears blinded your vision and a crude laugh echoed in the car. It took you a while to register that it was your own.

Of course. Of course, J hung up. You moved the phone away from your ear to observe the interface. The first tear landed on the screen and just like that—the dam broke.

You confirmed that you were pregnant. What type of response did you expect from a man like Joker?

‘Oh honey, that’s wonderful! We’re going to be parents, Y/n!’

Yeah right. Never in a million years.

Joker was not a man to settle down. You saw firsthand what he did to people who stood in his way of ‘watching the world burn.’

Were you expecting acceptance? You were a liability. A thorn rooted deeply in his side and because of it, your life was in danger.

You slumped further into the driver’s seat and cried. Thank goodness the windows were tinted. The sight you made was not for prying eyes.

You were all alone. Joker abandoned you—no. He would ensure that you get an abortion first. Or worse, he’d kill you himself to be done with you for good. Every worst-case scenario swirled inside your head.

Was there time to skip town before Joker found you? If you had a fighting chance, you had to take it—that is until you remembered a horrifying fact.

Joker managed to hunt down a stray dog that tried to attack you. In just four days. You had no chance at running. You were doomed.

Your hands were squeezing your middle where your baby would soon grow. Your baby.

A wet sob escaped your throat. You were responsible for two lives now. The daunting task ahead made more tears fall.

Time seemed to pass as you cried. Any attempts at escape were the farthest thought in your mind. You did not know what to do and that’s how Joker found you.

His poor Bunny was crying her heart out in the front seat. He was shocked to find the doors unlocked (he’d scold you for that another day). You were emotionally vulnerable right now and he needed to be with you. He just didn’t know how to go about expressing that.

Something urged you to look up and you honestly wished you hadn’t.

Joker was standing outside your car; face pressed to the window—staring at you with... was that apprehension? Never mind that. Where did he come from!?

You didn’t have time to scream when Joker yanked the car door open and slapped a hand over your mouth.

He did not want anyone coming to play hero if they heard that blood curdling scream. He wanted absolute privacy for the following conversation.

The last person you wanted to see was Joker. He found you so quickly that you didn’t have time to run. This was it. Joker had come to kill you.

Even in the cramped space inside the car, you were clawing at his hands, trying to get away.

Another frantic cry was cut short the second Joker covered your mouth again. He was stone faced as he smoothed your wild curls back while wiping your tears.

For once, Joker didn’t know what to do or say. This was uncharted territory for him; being in an exclusive relationship was one thing.

He was slowly adapting himself to that sudden change and now there was a baby thrown into the mix? His mind was racing with the next course of action.

Now was not the time for drastic measures. Until he figured everything out, he needed to be with his Light, that much he knew.

Joker shocked your further by resting his forehead against yours. You didn’t know what was going on. Was Joker shaking, or was that you? You honestly couldn’t tell.

Your voice cut through the thick air of uncertainty. “J, I’m scared.”

So am I, Y/n.

Joker couldn’t say that though. He couldn’t show weakness, so he took a deep breath and leaned back to meet your gaze.

“We’ll uh... We’ll figure somethin’ out, mkay doll?”

Your eyes scanned Joker as he fretted over you. It was strange to see a man like Joker look so unsure.

“It’s still you n’ me. Ya got that?” he urged you to nod along with him, despite your obvious hesitation. “We’ll figure this out.” he repeated.

You knew Joker was saying this more to himself than for your benefit. And as Joker tugged you over the center console and into his lap, you knew things would only get worse from here.

Almost on cue, the sky opened up and it began to rain.

Things were uncomfortable at home. While Joker kept his promise and stayed with you, he was noticeably distant.

There were many occasions when you caught him staring off into space. Oftentimes you walked in on him mumbling to himself and the few words you picked up made you fear for your life.

She’s our weakness.

Get rid of her before it grows.

In her sleep. Make it easy, painless…

Quickly, before someone finds out.

You had every right to sleep with one eye open. Joker was fighting demons on whether to keep you and the baby alive. It became instinctual for you to clutch your stomach and flinch whenever Joker ventured too close.

He was still weighing out the odds. The voices were back and to keep you safe, he distanced himself. The last thing he wanted was your blood on his hands, but the elephant kept haunting the room.

You were pregnant with his child. An innocent life he still didn’t know if he wanted.

Joker was fine allowing you to be his girlfriend. That title was harmless. He could assign more security and shield you from his criminal life. But you were carrying his child now.

If his enemies caught whiff of this, no amount of security would protect you. You already had a foot in the grave being associated with The Joker. Being his baby mama was a signed death certificate.

Joker would be doing you a favor if he killed you, but no matter the risk, you were his Light. He couldn’t bear the thought of you dead.

On the flip side, J knew asking you outright for an abortion would result in you resenting him forever; a fate worse than death. If his Light wasn’t happy, what was the point in life? He really was in a pickle here.

There were so many things to take into consideration and not enough time to process it all.

Something was bound to tip the scales out of your favor. Sadly, it came sooner than expected.

You jumped hearing Joker’s phone go off.

He chose to stay home that day to keep an eye on you since morning sickness that plagued so many mothers, hit you hard. What good he was. Joker watched you like the murderous clown he was as he sulked in the corner.

Hearing his voice struck a lonely chord within you. When was the last time Joker spoke to you? He grumbled a greeting to the caller as you fought through another unsought nausea attack.

You studied how his eyebrows grew taunt the longer the phone call dragged on. Whatever was being discussed, it wasn’t good.

Your curiosity peaked when J finally asked the caller, “Are ya sure?”

There was a long pause before Joker’s eyes cut to your worried face. You hated the way his gaze dropped as he began to sit up. His eyes were dark with guilt. You knew he was leaving. It shouldn’t have mattered, but something told you this was deeper than what it seemed.

This absence felt final.

“Our usual spot. One hour.”

Our usual spot? What did that mean and why did you hear a smidge of fondness in J’s tone when he said it?

You had so many questions that you knew you’d never get answers to. Joker swept through the apartment getting ready—not sparing you a single glance.

Only when he shrugged on his signature coat did you muster the courage to stop him.

“J-Joker? Where are you going?” Gods, you hated how pitiful you sounded. It sounded nothing like the strong independent woman you used to be.

Joker’s shoulders fell. He didn’t have the heart to the tell you. The truth would only crush you. Until he got the facts straight, lying was his only choice.

“Out. Don’t wait up.”

With a loud slam of the door, Joker was gone.

You had to hold it together. Now was not the time for your pregnancy hormones to act up and jump to conclusions. He most likely left to handle some arm’s deal or whatever J did as a wanted criminal. He would be back once this meeting was over.

You nodded to yourself and waddled back towards the couch. He would be back. You were certain of it.

Only Joker did not return. The night came and went. Then another and then two more. Before you knew it, an entire month slipped by without you seeing Joker again.

All attempts at calling his cell went unanswered and the many voicemails you left asking—scratch that, begging for him to come back, we can work this out, J. Or the pathetic line, Please come home so we can talk. J.. I’m worried went on deaf ears.

You paced the apartment worrying yourself sick. Stress wasn’t good for the baby but that’s all you could do after your partner up and left you like this.

Finally, after ages, the sound of keys turning in the door made you bolt up straight.

Joker was back.

You didn’t care how pathetic you looked waiting up for him. He was gone for a whole month, and your emotions were all over the place.

You were elated that Joker was back. You feared his return and what it would bring. You were angry that he left in the first place and most importantly, you were curious on how Joker would explain himself.

You planned to give J an earful for abandoning you, but the sight of a haggard man entering your living room put an abrupt end to your speech.

Joker was wrecked with guilt, and when he locked eyes with you, you knew. Whatever he was going to say would spell the end.

Time away helped Joker sort out the solution to his problem. He had a game plan, yet Fate threw a wrench in said plans before he could put them into motion.

Things escalated well out of his control. Joker had no choice but to rip the band-aid off and face the music.

He refused to meet your eye as he said, “Harley’s pregnant. Three weeks. She’s uhh keeping the uh.. baby.”

It felt like you’ve been shot. Blood was rushing in your ears. You swayed backwards and fell onto the couch, speechless. Pregnant. She’s pregnant… three weeks along too.

Wait.

You did quick math and tried not to fly into a frenzy. You confirmed your own pregnancy two month ago which meant…  

Your head slowly craned up to stare at Joker.

His sudden distance. The cold shoulder and silent treatment. Him coming home later and later all leading up to that phone call.

“Our usual spot. One hour.”

This had to be a joke. Joker wouldn’t cheat on you.. not when you were stuck at home sick and carrying his baby. He wasn’t that cruel but oh, how times have changed. You refused to believe what was so plain to see.

Not much else registered upstairs until something Joker said stood out above the static.

“You’ll understand right?”

Three words were enough to snap you out of the haze. Excuse me? He expected you to..?? Oh heck no, that’s when the Blüdhaven in you finally snapped.

Without thinking, you picked up a decorative bauble off the coffee table and hurled it at J. It shattered on the floor beneath his feet the same time your anger rained down.

“Pause pause pause. I’ll understand? I’ll understand what exactly? That you cheated on me with that psychotic slut when I was puking my guts out pregnant? We were supposed to figure this out together, Joker but you up and disappeared!! Is that another lie I also misunderstood?”

And you didn’t stop there.

“Do you remember that night Joker? The one where I woke up with your hands wrapped around my throat?”

Joker watched helplessly as you poured out your grief. This was exactly how he feared you’d react.

“You swore you didn’t mean to, but I know you, J. I knew you’d never change. You hate me for baby trapping you, but you turn around and willingly give her one! Help me understand that!”

Nothing was remotely funny, yet you broke out into a fit—startling Joker in the process. He knew you were beyond the point of reasoning by your wild display of emotions.

“You have always been my weakness, but this has to end. Today.”

“Bun…” he stammered.

“Don’t touch me!” you screeched when Joker tried to reach out. “Even when you’re with me, all you do is lie!! Why.. I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

His heart tore in two watching you shield your stomach from him. Even at your lowest, you fiercely protected your young.

You were the perfect mother in the making and he was a blind fool. Why didn’t he stay here and build this rare chance at happiness with you?

Why did he listen to the voices in his head and ruin everything?

He couldn’t change the past. All he could do was try to repair the future. But the Light before him was dimming fast. Joker hated to see the anger, fear, and distrust swirling in your e/c orbs.

You wanted nothing to do with him, and he deserved that. Still, he had to try. “Y/n, lemme explain. I—”

“Leave.” And when J didn’t move, you couldn’t take it anymore and shouted, “Get out!”

You didn’t know what hurt more. The fact you said it, or that Joker listened and left the apartment for the last time. The door slamming shut shattered you.

You knew that Joker wasn’t yours to begin with but why? Why why why why why did this happen?

The honeymoon phase was so brisk it felt like a fever dream. The romantic dates, the shower of affection and gifts. It felt so real, until it wasn’t. You should have known he would never change.

Joker and Harley were inseparable; Gotham knew it, you feigned ignorance. She was always your rival when it came to Joker’s love.

Deep down, you knew J would never stop caring about Harley; he would always put her above you, now more so than ever. Her place in Joker’s life was solidified forever.

Your hand fell to your stomach where a tiny flicker of hope remained.

This baby was the last shred of love between you and Joker. It proved things weren’t always a lie. Joker wouldn’t completely abandon you if you carried his flesh and blood.

And maybe that’s why you couldn’t say goodbye. At least, not yet.

Another day, another checkup. You were genuinely getting tired of hauling your behind to the office and back.

So many tests and follow-ups kept you in your OB-GYN’s office to the point, you were on a first name basis with the staff. You didn’t have to sign in at the front desk. You could walk on back and find an empty patient room all on your own.

You were nearing your second trimester, carrying Joker’s demon child. Any symptom an expecting mother could experience—you had it. And any complications a first mom feared, you endured alone. No proud partner was there to hold your hand. This was your burden to bear alone.

You would give the world to have Joker by your side, rubbing your belly, whispering praises and love as you embraced motherhood—but that was all empty dreams.

You passed by the formal offices and did a double take when a shock of blonde hair caught your eye.

You tended to mind your own but the scene you passed by was too bizarre to ignore. Perhaps because that familiar voice matched the long blonde pigtails seated at your OB-GYN’s desk.

Just the sight of her made your blood boil.

Harley oozed confidence that normally got people knocked out and she wielded it with sickening ease.

“Look lady. I don’t care whose scans ya use. I just need an ultrasound to show my Puddin’ that’s all!”

Were you hearing this correctly? Just for safe measure, you hit the record button on your phone and continued to eavesdrop.

“I can’t give someone else’s results to you, M-Miss Quinn. That’s a violation of HIPPA.” Your doctor replied.

She gasped in pain—Harley must’ve hurt her somehow.

“How many times do I gotta tell ya? I. Don’t. Care. I need an ultrasound to fool Mista J. If he finds out I’m not pregnant, then he’ll go back to that stupid Y/n girl and leave me. I risked soooo much to convince him this time, you don’t want me to fail. Do you?”

Another cry of pain drove the message home just how desperate Harley was.

You backed away from the door before taking off down the hallway. You couldn’t believe your ears. Harley wasn’t pregnant.

She lied to Joker and like an idiot, you believed her. He believed her too.. but the fact that you let her meddle in your life is what pissed you off the most!

You spent too many nights tossing and turning, thinking over the last conversation you had with J, all because of her lies. This changed everything. You had to get this video to J and set things straight. He deserved to know the truth before you tried to amend the relationship you had with him.

If he wanted you back, that is.

Joker never did decide if he wanted to keep or abort your pregnancy.

Was reconciling with Joker worth it if he didn’t want to keep your bundle of joy? What if you were walking straight to your doom?

Worry about that later, Joker needs to know about Harley. Think Y/n. Think!

You had to get this evidence to J. But how when you were effectively cut off from him? Then it hit you.

You always found Joker whenever you were searching for a thrill.

Like déjà vu, you parked your car under a streetlamp and prayed that it would not get stolen.

You had one thing on the mind as you crossed the street deeper into Joker’s territory. Find J and get some answers.

With each seedy catcall sent your way, you cupped your belly and picked up the pace. You had no business being on this side of town in your condition. A swarm of butterflies (more like hornets) buzzed in your stomach upon reaching the entrance to Joker’s hideout.

How were you going to find J in there?

It had been ages since you were here last. Your original memory of the place alluded you the moment the doors closed behind you.

You didn’t have time to walk around in circles hoping that J’s loyal three showed up to help. Every second wasted was another moment’s delay from unraveling this web of misunderstanding.

You glanced up at the ceiling—ironic how that once was a clue to guide you—now it was the opposite. Either your mind was playing tricks, or Joker was petty enough to change the ceiling tiles.

This place was a labyrinth, and motherhood was not about to let you to walk it. You were already winded just by walking up the brief flight of steps.

Thank Gaia, history kept repeating itself.

“You really shouldn’t be here.”

Blond hair, brilliant blue eyes; all attached to a familiar face, although Mac didn’t appear nervous this go around. This time, he seemed remorseful. His gaze lowered to your stomach and lingered.

Ah. So, they all knew. Why were you surprised? They were called Joker’s loyal three for a reason.

You cleared your throat, “Take me to J. I need to talk to him.”

Please don’t stop me. I can’t do this dumb side quest crap again…

Much to your surprise, Mac extended his arm for you to take. You gladly accepted his aid as the two of you navigated through the winding halls.

Neither of you uttered a word. You were grateful that Mac didn’t pry into his Bosses’ personal life. There wasn’t much to say anyway; plus, you genuinely wanted to save your breath for when it counted. All this walking was taxing.

The elevator ride down to Joker’s floor was done in silence. If Mac heard you wheezing from fatigue, he didn’t comment on it.

Things started looking familiar when you disembarked the elevator and rounded a corner. At the end of the hall, an ordinary looking door awaited you.

Last time, you burst in and caught Joker in the act with Harley; the roles had reversed. Today you were here to expose the ex-doctor for what she truly was.

A fraud and a home-wrecker.

That’s what you wanted with Joker. To build a home, a future. What you and Joker once had was very real and you felt so stupid for letting Harley get in the way of your happiness. If you still had a chance with J, you were gonna fight for it.

Mac stopped just outside Joker’s office before letting you go. “He’s inside. Good luck.”

You were going to need it.

Today’s lunch sloshed violently in your stomach. Thankfully it stayed dormant, but it took everything in you to push the door open and step inside.

If you didn’t remember anything else about the hideout—you knew Joker’s office. Your time spent within this room was always done in pleasure, J made sure of that.

The plush rug. The sofa facing a huge map of Gotham ravaged by push pins. A thrifted coffee table holding his smoldering ashtray. The crooked floor lamp you tried to convince Joker to toss out.. it was on, casting harsh shadows on the massive wooden desk before you.

Mm. You have very fond memories of that desk. You rubbled your swollen belly absentmindedly, reminiscent.

Joker was oddly enough, elbows deep in paperwork.

Loose papers and crumbled schematics littered his work area, and you craned your neck to spot the waste-bin nearby overflowing with rejected paper. What was Joker trying to write? As if on cue, he crumbled up another failed attempt and hurled it into the trash.

You always thought J looked adorable when he was grumpy.

Joker was so lost in thought; he did not notice you until he glanced up—he instantly froze. His pen fell from his grip and clattered onto the desk.

You watched the various emotions play across Joker’s face. Disbelief. Confusion. Doubt. Guilt. And lastly, forced indifference.

He sat up straight. “Y/n.”

Hearing Joker address you by your government name was jarring. No nickname, no affectionate tone.

He hollowed out your name and let the remnants of it scatter about in the tense air. Three months apart put a strain on what once was natural and (somewhat) healthy relationship.

You didn’t know how or where to begin addressing the issue at hand.

You barged in here, (unannounced might you add), and breeched countless security measures he placed to snitch on his scheming ex. No one else was brave enough to attempt such a feat. And you did it all while visibly pregnant—something Joker’s eyes naturally gravitated to.

You were still beautiful as ever.

Joker drank you in like a man deprived. Motherhood looked divine on you.

There was a roundness to your features, a natural glow—and he wasn’t blind. Your breasts were fuller and his favorite feature; your hips were practically begging for him to latch onto and never let go.

But he had let go. He foolishly walked away to chase after a fleeting pleasure. Harley was a bad habit he could never shake. He knew that.

Quitting cold turkey didn’t work, weaning himself off did—but like a tempting drug, he returned like clockwork.

She convinced Joker fall back into old habits and to lose sight of his Light. Before he realized it, Harley buried him into a hole that he couldn’t crawl out of.

You were right; he resented starting a family with you while begrudgingly accepting one with Harley. Having a kid with Harley felt safer somehow? Messy sure, but he knew she could pull through unscathed. He was more concerned for the poor guy who dared to bother a pregnant Harley than her own safety. But with you, his delicate Bunny—his enemies would tear you apart.

Joker chose to break your heart than to protect it. He didn’t understand that logic either, at the time it made sense.

Time that he wasted. He missed the first crucial months of pregnancy all because he was a coward. Honestly, he was ashamed to be in your presence. He refused to talk first because of it.

Your nerves rendered you mute, so you slid your phone across the desk, pressing play.

Cold hard evidence would speak on your behalf.

Joker was like a statue watching the video. A tick in his jaw—proving the truth had affected him, was his only reaction. Other than that, it was like Joker didn’t care. Your heart twisted, thinking the worst.

What if Joker didn’t care that Harley was faking her pregnancy? What if he was glad there was one less burden to bear and turned his wrath on the remaining one in your womb?

Had you willingly walked to your doom? Every second that Joker remained quiet, you began to sweat more.

Joker was a coward. Here you stood giving him a way out. Months of mistakes and misunderstanding could all be blamed on Harley.

If he was wise, throwing her under the bus; and begging for your forgiveness should have been the only correct course of action. He chose to do nothing.

You swayed on your feet, whimpering softly. Your back was aching again.

Joker tried not to moan after hearing that, really, he did. Now was not the time to be horny when he had so much to atone for.

But when has Joker ever done the right thing? “Did ya get checked today?”

“W-What?” Surely you were hearing things.

Joker gestured at your middle. Your eyes followed the motion, trying to grasp at the straws Joker thrown about. Was he not going to address the video?? Just what was his angle?

“Why do you care?” you shot back.

This was the man who abandoned you during your darkest hour and he wanted to act concerned? Of course you cocked an attitude.

Joker let it slide. “You were at the clinic again. Third uhh check uP this month. The brat is using your err.. lungs like a punching bag. Are ya still getting short of breath?”

Why were you surprised Joker knew this much about you. The man had an unhealthy obsession with you. That would never change. Sadly, his omission was just too much for your fragile heart to handle.

He steamed rolled straight over the ‘Harley is lying to you’ fake pregnancy bit. Did he think you were this gullible?

Pause. Did he call your baby a brat?? Screw Harley, no one (not even the father) was allowed to bully your baby.

“Don’t call him that.” you spat.

It was like you opened a passage for J to exploit. Anything to avoid the conversation. His eyes widened in awe, “Him? It’s a.. you know the gender?”

“No.. I… Can we focus on one thing at a time please? Like your psychotic ex. She’s not pregnant, Joker. She lied to you. She—”

In that exact moment you doubled over, gasping from the sudden kick to your organs. Quite literally you got the wind knocked out of you.

Joker sprang into action, on his way to keep you steady when you slapped him hard. “Don’t touch me!”

Okay. He deserved that. Seeing his Light panting for air—refusing his aid, it was a hard pill to swallow but Joker could be the bigger person. Besides. Your slap didn’t sting that bad..

Joker could grimace through the humiliation. “Lemme help Bun. Where does it—”

“I don’t need your help,” you growled, “You’re probably glad I’m in pain. You never wanted this baby to begin with. You want us both dead.”

It felt like someone ripped his heart out. Was that what you thought all these months apart? That Joker wanted you and the baby..

Oh, he failed you on so many levels. He kept you in the dark for far too long. It was time to stand up and be a man.

“You think it was easy? Readin’ all your results knowing you were in pain all alone, all because I’m a f__king idiot? It’s all my fault! There. I. Said. It. I let her ruin us; I abandoned my Light.. my girl. You needed me and I.. please baby I’m so sorry.”

Joker fell to his knees pulling at your skirts in agony. His forehead rested on your baby bump before he began showering it with kisses.

You dreamed of this—Joker on his knees worshipping the baby the two of you created, his warm calluses hands caressing your middle with love.

Maybe you were dreaming because this was so unlike Joker.

These days you could barely see your feet, but when you looked down a kaleidoscope of green invaded your vision.

Dark lashes fluttered, pleading for your favor. You desperately wanted to sink your fingers into Joker’s messy green curls and know that everything would be okay.

You could forgive; you wanted to start over. Yet months of pain resurfaced.

Even now with Joker on his knees, he continued to lie. Joker dismissed Harley’s crimes because he still loved her. He could overlook any offense she committed—including hurting his precious Light. If Joker didn’t let her go, then nothing would change.

“Joker, why are you—”

“Y/n, you are keeping our baby. I can’t lose you; I can’t. Please. Whatever ya want, I’ll do it! Just stay with me.”

His confession stole the breath from your lungs. This wasn’t The Joker you knew.

This was a broken man trying to gain back his world.

Denying Joker now would utterly crush him. He actually said please, a word that previously had no business in his vocabulary. Men like Joker didn’t beg; he was risking it all and that ultimately won you over.

“M gonna make things right. I’m cutting her off, and I mean iT. She’s dead to me. Oh, my lit-tle Bunny. Are ya mad at me? Leaving you all alone? Go on. Hit me, scream, throw whatever ya want. I promise.. uhh I-I won’t dodge it. I’ll do anyyyy-thing to have your love again. Mm?”

God, you hated that your hormones were all out of wack.

You were about to break things off—and J goes and flips the script like this. A man on his knees was too good to pass up!!

Who were you fooling staying mad at him? Joker wanted your love again! Even better, he acknowledged the baby and wanted to keep it!

All of your prayers were answered. You crumbled like a cookie straight into his arms.

You cried out jumbled up sentences that Joker pretended to understand. He just hugged you tighter as you openly sobbed on his shirt.

“Shh, I know Bun. I’m gonna take such good care of ya to make up for lost time.” Joker’s hand fell to your belly where he rubbed it fondly, “I’ll care for this little brat too.”

His words made you shove him lightly. “Stop calling them that.” you whined.

“Why noT? It’s what they are! How dare they kick my Light day n’ night? You need your rest. And didn’t I tell ya ages ago, no one hurts my girl? Not even my own brat.”

“Sure, not even Harley?” you countered.

You felt Joker tense up. This was it; would he actually admit it? Honestly, the suspense was killing you.

Joker took a long while to think over what you said. This time away from his Light tainted your mind with all sorts of misinformation. Harley may have muddled the waters, but his intentions with you never changed.

He wanted you. He wanted this future growing inside you.

Perhaps he was still unsure about some things, (mostly coming to terms that he was a dad) nevertheless, his greatest treasure, you. That’s all that mattered.

“Mhm not even her. No one touches my girls.” J beamed. Great now he switched sides and wanted a girl.

You honestly didn’t care what gender you had; Joker accepted you and your unborn child. That was all you ever wanted.

One look into your e/c eyes, and seeing that dazzling smile that captured his heart from the very beginning; Joker knew the two would figure this out together.