it's good for your seoul.

Fall always makes me feel melancholy for some reason.

Perhaps because change and the passage of time is so evident in the fallen leaves and dropped temperatures.

We grow, we change, and yet we still are all the past versions of us that existed before today.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. But I’m also sad at how far I’ve traveled.

The distance indicates growth. And growth means growing pains.

And I’ve experienced a lot of pain growing the last 6 months.

So fucking much.

Still…

Yes, still.

Even hitting rock bottom with depression and anxiety doesn’t overshadow the feelings I have for you.

It’s so pathetic.

But I don’t know why I can’t just tell you I miss you.

Because I’m scared of losing you from my life forever.

You still hold that power over me.

There doesn’t seem to be a point anymore.

그냥 대충 살다.

대충 갈래.

I am feeling really depressed lately. I honestly don’t know why anymore. I have really good days where I feel like myself, then I have days where I willfully force myself to sleep and stay asleep bc I don’t want to face the day.

I force myself to make plans then instantly regret it.

I feel like the biggest burden in the world to my boyfriend.

I feel like an annoying libtard with no real friends and no real purpose in life.

I feel like I have to live up to this super unique name my parents gave me and I have to be unique but I am not, i am very fucking average.

At this point I just hide this from everyone I know and even the closest people to my heart.

I live for my parents bc I don’t know what they would do without me, and it breaks my heart imagining them dealing with the fallout of my bad decisions.

Lately my feelings have been so.......complex.

I'm having a harder time pin-pointing my problems and reasons why I'm feeling a certain way.

Heck, I haven't even been fully understanding how I'm feeling either.

Like I just feel uncomfortable and frustrated and upset but I don't know WHY.

So much is going on, and these micro-stressors are getting to me so much.

I feel like I need to do everything and take care of everything right here, right now.

My brain races all day long, it's as if I unconsciously search every crevice of my brain for something that I might be forgetting, because God forbid I let something slip my mind.

I can't slow down.

I keep avoiding meditation even though I know it's good for me because I fear I'll forget to do something.

I want to just lazily spend time with my favorite person in the world.

But alas, adulting, responsibilities, priorities.

Why do I feel shame or guilt when being firm and assertive in the way I feel about something?

Do I have some sort of internalized misogyny? Internalized racism? Is that what's making me feel guilty and shameful because I'm being obnoxious and making noise on social media, blasting a company and calling out toxic white culture that whitewashes Asian culture in order to capitalize off of it?

I don't know.

A lot has changed.

It's been a year and one month since I started at this company, this job I was aching so much for in my last post here.

Funny how things work out.

I feel like I neglect my thoughts and feelings if I don't write.

I realize writing here used to be a form of therapy for me, to help me express and process the writhing emotions I was experiencing.

Since I've stopped writing, I notice I rely a lot more on being heard from others, and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing.

Sometimes I need to just have a rambling rant and not everyone, even some of my closest friends or significant other, can devote their energy to listen to me all the time.

Gotta rely on myself sometimes.

I tried physically writing in a journal, but that didn't last long.

If God were real, he wouldn’t drive me towards insanity.

If God were real, he would have compassion.