Nonsense and Bullshit

5/4/15

Let me be the tether that keeps you from becoming someone I don’t recognize 

Let me anchor you to the person I thought that I knew

Let me save you from undoing yourself

A year ago, my best friend left the city for grad school. It’s been a year of adjusting our relationship so that we could talk, and still keep up with each other without being needy or missing out on each other’s lives. It was way harder than either of us expected, especially with life doling out its trials, and one of us needing the other one a little more than usual at different points of the school year.

He came back for a week this summer. One measly week. I got to hang out with him for one day of that week. It didn’t feel like it was enough.

Last summer, I think partly because we both knew he was leaving, and we both had the time for it, we used to hang out a lot. Once a week, maybe. And talk all the time. Because of the way our schedules work now, we do one phone call a week, and in the entire year of 2015, I’ve seen him four times.

We went back to our usual haunts, where you could find us last summer. It felt really good, but it also had a weird kind of wistfulness to it. Like we both knew that this wouldn’t last nearly as long as we’d like it to. And it didn’t. He’s gone again. I probably won’t see him until Christmas.

I think I had gotten “used to” him not being there all the time, and our non-constant conversations. But after hanging out with him all day, and reliving what our old friendship felt like, it hurt. It hurt a lot actually. I miss him more now.

Although we are both in better places than we were last year, and I’m proud of our respective growth as people and adults, I still miss the old us. The carefree, high school us. The stupid, undergrad us. Now we’re the logical, responsible adult us.

Me: You told him?!

Her: Yeah, I told him you liked him

Me: Well, what did he say?

Her: He asked why

Me: And? What did you say?

Oh and all hell breaks loose if I even mention the gym. No, according to most people I don’t need the gym, or I shouldn’t work out lest I drop dead. Nah, I can’t comment on my own body, but everyone else can. I can’t mention that I want to put on weight, but you can go on forever about your workout regimen and diet. I can’t talk about how hard it is for me to gain weight, or how frustrating it is to find things that fit. No, I can’t, that’s not at all allowed. How scandalous! A skinny person who is underweight for her height wants to gain weight? What a bitch!! How dare she!!!

Today was the last day I'll see my best friend for who knows how long. He's moving to a different city and after living down the street from each other for the entirety of our friendship, it's sad to see him go. 

I took comfort in knowing he was close by, and that I could see him if I needed to. But that's done now.