d u m b a s s

♟ My character will use yours

♟ My character will use yours

[ text ] i’m taking a pole dancing class this morning. can i put you down as my emergency contact? i’m NOT putting my mother [ text ] i just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone agreed. [ text ] you answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing you had. [ text ] thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. [ text ] Someone in the elevator just told me I looked like a struggle but I smell very pretty… [ text ] what part of “i’m handcuffed to an oven” do you not understand? [ text ] You put your finger on my lips and told me ‘the butt is nature’s pocket’. [ text ] quick question: how do i take a nice picture of my ass? i’m asking you because i figure with an ass like yours you’re probably experienced [ text ] My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat. [ text ] i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren’t you proud of me? [ text ] I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed. [ text ] I’m hungry, horny, and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with. [ text ] my boss made my mugshot into an ‘employee of the month’ poster. [ text ] give me back my underwear. this is not a request. [ text ] Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal. [ text ] This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. “Why is he wearing pajamas?” Mind your own business, kid. [ text ] i’ve been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then i remembered last night… when you pushed me through that glass table. [ text ] once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that’s when things went downhill. [ text ] I’m not sure… but I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of ‘08. [ text ] i just looked at those “hey” messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues. [ text ] Well, if it makes you feel any better I’ll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days. [ text ] you wrote me a haiku titled, “let me touch your butt” [ text ] side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy? [ text ] And now to play every stoner’s favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition! [ text ] The best part of the night was you shouting “I have to take the LSAT tomorrow” between shots of fireball. [ text ] i don’t remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am

[ text ] just found out I was kissing strangers at the bar last night. there’s photographic evidence. I know none of them. [ text ] i have your camera. you have 35 naked pictures of me. you’re welcome. [ text ] At the end of the night I was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost, how do you think it went? [ text ] Ok. I’m gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then. [ text ] I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship. [ text ] TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW. [ text ] I need you here. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me. [ text ] First and foremost you’re my friend, but you’re also a mistake I made when I was drunk [ text ] That sucks about the drama. But hey, it’s always a good day when you see someone get tazed! [ text ] I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed. [ text ] “What’s your dick like homie” is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud. [ text ] the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law. [ text ] we’ll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so i say go for it [ text ] another saturday, another 100 chicken nuggets. [ text ] i think i was propositioned by the lady behind the counter while getting us coffee. [ text ] Why can’t I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being? [ text ] wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway. [ text ] I’ve made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here. [ text ] With a butt like mine I’ll never have to pay for Netflix again. [ text ] No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags [ text ] One thing I hate, You don’t feel the same as I do. And that’s okay. I don’t mind it. Well, I mean I do. [ text ] If the universe is 14 billion years old, that means the universe is 14 billion light years in radius, 28 billion in diameter. According to this information, we can figure the volume of the universe. ((4/3)3.14(R))^3 - (4/3(3.14)82,299,008,400,000,000,000,000)^3. V = 2,334,922,213,664,553,855,065,890,099,491,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 M^3. We can fit roughly 2.2x10^48 Earth’s in the universe. We just explained how big the universe is in words, still impossible to fathom. [ text ] Even if something happened you would never loose me, we would always work things out. I could see us being together for a long time, because what we have is special and will never be broken. [ text ] You make me think hard and deep about things that most people never let cross their minds for longer than a second. [ text ] I don’t think I can stand to lose you again. Though I only lost you for an hour. It was the longest hour I have ever encountered in my life and I never want to feel like that again.

[ txt. ] wow, are u calling me dumb?? ill have you know it takes a lot of wit to come up w/ good stuff to say [ txt. ] makes sense u cant do it, iwa-chan!! your brain would probably fry!! (´ ▽｀) [ txt. ] why wouldnt i be proud of it?? its a skill and every skill matters [ txt. ] BUT YOU DO ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT THEM [ txt. ] which means u do care. a little, maybe, but u do care. stop lyyyying. [ txt. ] he’s MEAN and calls me tooru-chan!! ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡ CAN YOU BELIEVE??? he just assumed we’re on a first name basis??? rude [ txt. ] uhm… we’re not… friends…. well we don’t get along thats it [ txt. ] I HAVE TRIED BUT IT DOESNT WORK (＃｀д´)ﾉ [ txt. ] well i guess it depends on ur definition of ‘trying’ but… [ txt. ] STOP I HAVENT BEEN GETTING IN TROUBLE LATELY IVE BEEN GOOD [ txt. ] ok, well, name one situation in which i got in trouble?? theres none [ txt. ] WELL U COULD’VE AT LEAST MOVED TO A DIFFERENT ROOM!!! sheesh

[txt.] good stuff....  [txt.] is that what you call it [txt.]......do you WANT me to hit u??? because i will [txt.] BECAUSE THEY GIVE ME A HEADACHE [txt.] that's why i care [txt.] u know.....we're not in japan anymore. are u gonna hate everyone that calls u by ur first name? [txt.] good luck with that [txt.] YOU HAVEN'T TRIED if u have to fuckin define it [txt.] ok the wanted poster.    [txt.] that's only one. i have more  [txt.] WHY SHOULD I? i didn't want to do this in the first place

To fit into the whole husband role was something that had been on Clear’s mind for quite some time now. Of course there was the stereotypical take on what it takes to be a worthy husband, but does that really apply to him here? He seemed to have been paired up to someone who doesn’t seem to particularly mind, but of course now that Clear is looking around and observing more closely, he can’t help but wonder if he should try a little harder.  After looking at some adverts, other people… he’d noticed quite a few qualities that one might possess— such as having great muscles, being able to carry their partner, become more suave and romantic… Clear didn’t exactly feel anything close to proper romance, but there was no harm in giving it a try, right? He figured he could at least ask the closest person to him for advice.    "Excuse me, Sir!" The android would approach someone. He looked like the type to know this sort of thing, most definitely. “Would you say my muscles are strong looking?” He would proceed to rolling up his lab coat sleeve. He’d been built with the appropriate necessities, and even though aesthetically he’d look to have muscles, he wondered if they would fit into the strong-type aesthetic.

What? His eyes travel to the guy's arms, the sleeves rolled up.....He fights back the confusion, the irritation and takes a look at these muscles. "Hm, sure I guess. But if I were you, I'd lift some weights to build them up..... Curls would be a good start." He assumes this must be for this guy's spouse? But who really knows anymore. People here are sometimes just...weird. He juts his thumb up the street. "There's a good gym up there. Cheap too, if you're interested."  

"…. Hello? Is there anyone home…?"

With clothes in hand, he answers her. "Uh....hi." There's a brief moment of silence before: "You're.....Zelda, right?".