Skyler Attack!

Yesterday I got a one of leave under section 17 for two hours (although I kind of stayed out for four hours instead) I had things to do like I went and met this awesome guy, which I should of probably stayed away from doing as I always use relationships to mask my problems, but I'm not putting my problems to the side anymore and facing them, so this shouldn't become a problem.

They thought that my leave went good as I returned happy which is a good thing and they are now reviewing more regular leave everyday for me today so hopefully the doctor gives me something nice and regular with plenty of time each day.

Not like completely leave unfortunately.... But the doctor just approved a one off leave for a few hours today for me today to see how I get on. And from there they are going to give me more regular leave as long as this one goes fine and they have no concerns :)

Uhhhh..... This is torture being stuck in here although on the bright side I'm finally off one-to-one constant supervision and it was downgraded to intermittent supervision which I guess is a lot better since I never notice them checking on me now and I finally have my privacy back and can do things without being watched every second of the day.

Spoke to the doctors this morning and they are getting me started on Psychotherapy while I'm in hospital and it will be continued once I'm back in the community. They are also looking at to start giving me some escorted leave starting from wednesday if everything goes fine from now until then.

So slowly getting there, they are also sorting out other things for me such as housing and I won't be discharged until they have a flat set up for me to move into nearby the hospital to continue with me treatment once I'm in the community.

That's what I was diagnosed with when I was discharged from Maudsley hospital on thursday. I think I was discharged way way way tooo early as I have ended up back in Hospital again from yesterday evening I was admitted to a hospital in Ayr, Scotland as I came back up here.

Today has gone really slow, although I have something to look forward to this evening which is making me feel a little better. My boyfriend and one of my close friends are visiting around 6pm haven't seen them since friday so missing him a lot. 

It's hard but probably for the best having some time and space apart from each other to work through this process as it's not easy for me and I imagine it's not for him either.

It's very regimented in here and we have our breakfast at 8am, lunch at 12 and dinner at 5. Before bed at 10 they give us hot chocolate and toast so it's not too bad as in the way meals are just the times are a bit odd if you ask me.

I do feel like self-harming today but resisting the urge so that I am fine for seeing my boyfriend as that's all I have left or it seems like it right now, if I lost him I don't know what I'd do, I would feel like I had lost everything and my last bit of hope has vanished out of my life.

But I guess, being here will help me get back on my feet and more stable again to resume my life as normal or whatever normal is. It can be annoying in here with things like when you want to smoke as we have certain times in the day when we are allowed in the garden to smoke and relax and they aren't for very long and about 2 hours between each one.

Well...

Earlier on the week I had an eventful week, which led me to being put into a hospital for my own safety. One of the nurses on my ward said that it might be a good idea to find a place to write about how I'm feeling to express myself and hopefully it'll help keep my mind of other things like self-harm etc.

So first I'll start with how I ended up being in hospital, about two weeks ago I overdosed on my medication that is prescribed by my GP (Sertraline) it is an anti depressant of the SSRI class. I didn't think what I took was much (only 10 100mg tablets) my aim was to kill myself and I only had 10 of them left. I ended up being admitted to A&E where they semi-treated me and I left before they could finish treating me as I didn't want to see the psychiatric team.

That evening things got worse and I was taken back to A&E where I start hallucinating and having several seizures I can't remember much of what happened that evening as most of it is a blank, all I really remember is waking up 13 to 14 hours later in the intensive care unit. I was later told by friends that were there that it took 5 security and 2 doctors to control me and sedate me so they could start treating me.

Again I left there without seeing the psychiatric team and a few days later I overdosed again this time on ibuprofen around 12,000mg or 60 200mg tablets. I was outside when I done this and someone saw and reported it. An ambulance showed up and tried to take me into hospital for treatment which I refused as I wanted to die. The police ended up on the scene because the ambulance crew asked for assistance, I also refused to go when the police arrived which resulted in them Sectioning me under section 136 of the mental health act.

I was transfered to a mental health hospital for an assessment after being discharged from A&E and from there I was put under Section 2 of the mental health act which means I am now detained for up to 28 days in a mental health hospital in South London (Maudsley Hospital).

I don't really know what to say to be honest just trying to get some of this out of my system. When I first got here I escaped later in that evening and was later brought back as I went to a friends house who contacted the police as I was suicidal to take me back.

The next day I escaped again and attempted suicide by overdosing and going to an underground station (Canada Water Overground) there I jumped down onto the tracks to wait for the next train to come. I was pulled out the way by the station security about 30 seconds before the train came and taken back to the hospital, where I still am today.

I'm starting to feel more settled in here but it's hard having so many restrictions placed on you that you are not used to but I guess all this is for my own good. All I have in my room is a bed as they took everything else out for my own safety. Yesterday I wanted to escape a lot and felt like I had to end my life, I tried to resist the feeling as much as I could, and managed to contain myself from leaving again but I ended up self-harming myself instead.