i don't care , i love it !

kimi watanabe-finster is a 25 year old from amity park ; a part time java lava , part time pet shop employee , kimi is bisexual . her favorite song is wannabe , spice girls . born on october 5th , 1997 , she is a libra sun , scorpio moon , leo rising !

“It wasn’t like we planned it, Dil. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t tell Lil, I didn’t even tell Chuckie. It all just... came out.” Maybe that didn’t make it any better, but Kimi didn’t feel like the had a chance to tell anyone. She wanted to keep it between the two of them, her and Phil, until she could wrap her mind around the fact that what had happened had even happened to begin with. Hearing him continue, she immediately dropped her defensiveness. She’d felt that before. Though she didn’t feel it often, the worry that her brother was the only reason her friends were her friends, it was still a thought that popped up from time to time. “No, stop. You are my friend. You are just as much of my friend as Tommy is. You’re one of my favorite people in the world, Dil. I didn’t want anyone to lose their shit because I was still trying to figure out my shit.”

At least with Angelica, Kimi didn’t feel like things were weird. She was never particularly nice to her anyway, so now the hostility was familiar and welcomed. There was supposed to be tension there. Just not between everyone else. “Right,” she nodded. “Isn’t that how you feel about... I don’t know, everything?”

“This isn’t a game, there is no winning.” Kimi exhaled deeply. Lil had agreed to come home, but nothing felt right. She missed the way things used to be with her. She missed Phil --- she had barely spoken to him since everything that had happened, aside from a kiss and a brief greeting on New Years. She missed hanging out with everyone. How long had it been since they’d all laughed together? “I’ve barely even seen Chuckie,” she stated, blinking away her tears. “Nothing feels okay. I can’t un-fuck what I’ve already fucked.”

Lil had come to realize in their time apart that neither Phil nor Kimi had done any of this to hurt her, but because they had both just been too selfish to think of anyone else in the moment. She couldn’t really blame them for that part of it, but how they’d handled everything after that wasn’t any better, especially from Phil’s side. Kimi, on the other hand, was here, actively trying to apologize and make amends. She couldn’t blame her for taking her time, too, with how personally Lil had taken all of it.

“I know,” she let out finally, “I know, all of it. I know you’re sorry, I know you love me.” Lil was positive all of it was true, but was she going to be able to let go of what had already been said and done? “And I love and miss you too, I do.” She folded her arms over her chest, looking away from her friend and toward the floor. “I just need to know, um, are you and Phil … you’re not planning on doing that again, are you? Like, ever?”

♡

Kimi let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding. It wasn’t an acceptance of the apology, but was acknowledgement, and she would take that. She didn’t think Lil had stopped loving her, she was just hurt and upset and angry, but hearing her confirm that was a relief. If they could’ve handled it differently, if she hadn’t walked in and found out on her own, maybe it wouldn’t have been... different. Maybe everything would’ve been okay by now. “No,” she stated immediately, but then the hesitation came.

“We kissed.” Had she not been teetering on drunk, Kimi might’ve considered keeping that to herself to avoid putting Phil in more hot water with his sister if he hadn’t already told her. But she had blurted it out without thinking about it. She couldn’t keep something like that from Lillian, only for her to find out later. “I kissed him since. Once. But it wasn’t... nothing else happened. We just played Mario Karts. Like actually this time. I swear. I’m just confused. But I’ve barely spoken to him since then. It’s... in the past.” 

Lil knew that if she came back to the apartment, that things would be weird for a while, but that Kimi would probably succumb to the pressure of giving her whatever she wanted. She would leave whenever Lil wanted to, give her the common spaces without asking, but that’s not what Lil wanted, either. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, when she lived with her best friend. This was the first conflict they’d had as roommates and one of the only ones they’d had as friends, too, but she didn’t think that anything could ever be much worse than this fight.

“No, this is … Kimi, I don’t want you to do that,” she sighed, frustrated. As much asa she wanted to kick her out and have the apartment to herself for a while, she was also tired of fighting. “I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t. Not with you, at least. Phil, on the other hand, has been nothing but a stubborn asshole. At least you’ve been apologetic, which is way more than I can say for him.” If her brother had treated things thee way Kimi had, maybe things would be resolved beteween the two of them.

♡

Kimi felt a rush of hope when the other girl didn’t turn away, ignore her or get hostile. She couldn’t blame her for being upset, for wanting space and silence, but she couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t devastating her either. She didn’t think their bond could ever be broken, and she certainly didn’t think she’d ever do something to jeopardize it personally. Lillian had been her best friend since she was in diapers, and here she was feeling uncomfortable having a conversation with her. Because of something she’d done. Kimi wasn’t a person that felt guilty easily, but this feeling was eating her alive.

“I am, I’m sorry,” she immediately blurted out, “I didn’t do it to hurt you. I would never intentionally... I didn’t... I wasn’t even thinking about...” No, that didn’t make it any better. Maybe worse. Kimi stopped for a minute, trying to remember all of the things she’d wanted to say when she was sober since Lil wasn’t running the opposite direction, but she was coming up blank. “I’m just sorry,” she finally landed on. “I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. And I don’t... you don’t have to say it back, but I do.”

Phil had not spoken to Kimi once that night. Not even in group conversation, though he hadn’t said much in any conversation that night. He knew at one point he would have to talk to her though, even if it was just small talk. Phil hadn’t really prepared himself to talk to anyone about anything, let alone speak to Kimi. Though he couldn’t help the small feeling of relief he felt when she smiled at him and made a small joke. “I mean, I think Susie made regular brownies. I just brought a small pan.” He shrugged nonchalantly. He glanced around, making sure no one was around as he didn’t want anyone to think anything of them chatting alone. “So, do you feel as awkward as I do and want to run out of here as fast as possible or is it just a me thing?” He bit on the inside of his cheek and glanced down. “This is stupid,” he muttered. “It’s over and done with people need to let it go. Fucking bullshit.” 

♡

“I’m going to pretend they’re vegan, and if they’re not, I don’t want to know,” Kimi stated through a mouthful of chocolate. She was just drunk enough to tell herself it didn’t matter at this point, she’d already consumed half of one, she may as well finish it. She usually double checked labels and ingredients before touching food at events, but she was stressed and far from sober and she’d forgotten. Sober her would be pissed, but at the moment, she was throwing caution to the wind; it was just one brownie. Swallowing before she tried to continue the conversation, she nodded slowly. “I feel like I shouldn’t have came. I think I’ll sneak out and hope Susie doesn’t notice.” Looking down at what was left of the treat, she couldn’t help but feel guilty, but not over her eating habits. It was one thing that she was feeling uncomfortable and alienated, but she hated knowing that he was too, and she was partially to blame. “I’m sorry, Phil. I didn’t mean to make such a mess.”

If there was one thing that everyone could agree on, it was showing up for Susie. This was going to be undoubtedly the worst party Lil had ever been to, not because Susie couldn’t throw one like it was her job, but because she was going to have to finally face her brother and Kimi. Her goal for the night was to get drunk enough that, by the end of the night, she wouldn’t remember her interactions with either of them. It definitely wasn’t the smartest approach to their reunion, but she decided that they at least owed her one night taking care of Lil instead of themselves.

It was time for her next drink, and Lil had done a bang-up job of successfully avoiding both Phil and Kimi. She hadn’t even seen her roommate approach as she was trying to make a mixed concoction, which she found decidedly unfair, since she had no time to prep for the incoming. “Kimi,” she said curtly, spinning around as she finished putting her drink together. “Your brother isn’t as messy as I thought he’d be, congratulations. I miss my closet, though. They have no storage.”

♡

“Yeah, he’s... he’s pretty cool,” Kimi nodded. When it came to living with Chuckie, she’d never had many complaints. But she missed her arrangement with Lil more. Their movie nights. Staring down at her empty cup as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, just to avoid eye contact, she tried to remember what number she was on. It hardly mattered. Here lately, drinking never led to a good outcome, but it was hard to believe she could make this situation much worse. “You can come back, you know.”

She forced herself to look up, searching the other’s face to find any proof she didn’t hate her. “I won’t talk to you, if that’s what you want. I’ll just stay in my room. Or I can go to my mom’s.” She hadn’t asked, but she knew her parents wouldn’t mind her staying over for a little while. Kira may ask too many questions, she’d probably have to explain at least that she’d screwed up, but maybe she could lie for awhile. Say the place flooded and she needed to sleep there for a few weeks. If things kept going like this, the two of them were going to have to figure out what to do when their lease was up, but Kimi would rather put that off for as long as possible. She couldn't stand the idea of Lil being done with her for good. “It’s my fault you feel weird being there. You shouldn’t be the one dealing with shitty storage space.”