UNTITLED

A couple weeks back I figured out how the Donkey Kong family could make sense, and also Pauline.

Cranky, Donkey Kong, Donkey Kong Jr. are all the same character. They just take on familial roles to take care of the past versions.

Cranky Kong is notable for being very smart, but also a jerk, especially to Donkey Kong. He refers to him as his son and his grandson and it's never explained which is the truth. Additionally, both Cranky Kong and Donkey Kong have been stated to be the original DK that kidnapped Pauline in the original game, which is very conflicting unless you consider them to be the same characters. Cranky seems to know things on not just a fourth wall breaking level for the fun of it, he seems to understand how things will be okay for the most part and is relaxed enough to toy with Donkey Kong on multiple occasions during his adventures because he likes testing him. He's very confident almost all the time.

There seems to have been a lot of mess regarding which Kong is the original DK between Nintendo and Rare's interpretations, which all seem to have been confused and mixed up in each game, and I think with how it never made sense, likely due to this, Nintendo's solution was to introduce young Pauline, akin to Donkey Kong's younger iterations such as Jr. and baby DK. Pauline already has a few versions herself, with Lady being confirmed to be Pauline and how it's simply how she looked before getting a makeover. This could explain why young Pauline has a grandmother who seems to be her caretaker who also happens to be into music and her inspirations for it. Almost paradoxically, she becomes herself due to her own inspiration, if of course she is her own parent figure, like DK in this theory. And somehow this makes sense if by their video game logic, the characters exist simultaneously to their past and future versions. Mario also has been confirmed to be Jumpman, the same one from the original DK, and Nintendo has been very insistent they are one and the same. This feels like a nail in the coffin.

In Bananza, Cranky references being the original DK. Though an older original DK is found as a fossil somehow, which would be a new development in of itself. The events of the country, 64, and Returns series are all laid out in a timeline by characters in game, meaning that there's an actual order to the games, but not necessarily to which age of each character involved took part in them. K. Rool says he was never in a human city before, and while this could actually be true, Big Ape City is supposed to be New Donk City. Which could mean it was a younger K. Rool in later games. Which would patch up that inconsistency out of convenience, even if it makes very little sense logically. Like the opposite of a retcon? Also covering other messy whatevers, this could maybe explain why sometimes Diddy is Donkey's nephew and other times just his best friend, and why some characters are cousins and other times are considered dating, which is very weird in any way, but at least this might be something to explain it? Maybe???? Yeah probably not. Still weird. Call me when you figure that part out.

And from the Super Smash Bros. wiki, taken from the Smash Bros. Ultimate tips page for Donkey Kong:

If it's less descendants as born directly, and more descendants as in the next generation, as stated in the 8-Bit Barrel fossil description, then the 8-Bit DK fossil would imply they are all one and the same, as in the same game the still-living Cranky Kong is implied to be him and also the playable Donkey Kong by extension.

Next you're gonna tell me french fries aren't french and french toast isn't french and french people aren't french and french's french mustard isn't french french french french french