smile

First I want to thank absolutely everyone who took 5 minutes out of their day to write me a message. To write, 'Stay Strong' or 'You're beautiful.' 'You are the reason I'm staying strong because of your story' those are all very personal things to me, and I cry every time I read them. Knowing that, it makes me get through some of the days I almost give up. And even though I keep giving up, this is a daily struggle just like Demi Lovato has once said, I'm never going to be 'fixed' and this is a battle, and an addiction that I will take on everyday of my life. But when I read things from people, or get messages from my friends they are my support system and I am so so grateful for those type of things.

I'm going back to treatment because, I need to find myself again. The last couple of times I have gone, I haven't really listened. I hated the doctors and thought this isn't something I can just face. I have struggled since I was 5 with not finding my self 'beautiful' or 'good enough'. That is a really young age and I shouldn't have felt that way, and now I'm going back and I feel good about it. I want to talk to people and listen. When you go into the treatment center there is this place were we sit and talk about everything and I really fear that but I've learned that you have to talk about it and if you are reading this and are going through something you should live your life and you need to speak up. If you speak up, you find yourself living better because no one deserves this. No one.

If you are thinking you know like, why do I keep doing this too myself? I think it's because I just don't think I can get better, i refuse to think I'm good enough for myself, or anyone for that matter. 

I want to be able too one day, get in front of millions of people and talk about my struggle. I want to help people and I want to sing about and if you know anything about me, you probably know that I want to sing.

I have bipolar disorder and I honestly didn't know what was for a very long time, and it just makes it 10 times worse. I have days where I am very bitchy to people or very mean or emotional and it makes me feel bad because I don't mean to act that way. I come across that way because of that problem and I never mean it. So, if you ever ran into that side of me... It wasn't who I truly am.

I have my friends... Brenda, Violet, Caitlyn, Juliet, and y'all mean so much too me. I feel you all are what keep me going most of the time. I couldn't be more grateful for friends like you guys. I couldn't. I am honestly so amazed that you stick up for me and put through my stuff everyday. 

If any of you, reading this or clicked on this you are so beautiful. You can get through this and I hope you realize that I believe in you and you can talk to someone. They wont judge you no matter how much you think they will. I love you, and I know that time goes on and that second you get out of that school doors the day you graduate or, the second you move away from the place you live... None of that stuff will matter anymore. If it's about a boy, I've learned that there is a prince charming out there for you. There is someone out there that will be so grateful to wake up to you every morning or send you cute messages. And just because one person broke your heart, doesn't mean it's over. It doesn't mean your life is at a deadline. You'll find someone, that I can assure you. No one deserves too feel alone, or the need to cry in the middle of the night, i used to think staying up until 6 in the morning or not sleeping at all was normal. I thought throwing my food up was normal because I didn't have it as bad as this other person did. 

I just found it normal.

If you could all do one thing, just smile. Tell someone about your problems. And live your life with freedom because, I didn't. And If I couldn't; I want someone to do that for me. 

I will be there for 4 months. And yeah spending Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day in there is going to suck. But I'm going to be able to tell my story and use it for very amazing things.