Blaming Society

“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give - except for a rare few.”

It’s enormous, The amount of details That l try to leave behind For how they keep me anchored to you To our shared past To our previous togetherness. I seek new spaces, vast and open, Where you and I are still Two discernible entities Each with its own reason to be But the truth is that, anywhere I go, I carry you with me. Whenever I taste something new It can never be fully mine Because I am haunted by the thought Of how its flavour would differ If I had you to experience it with. You’re on my mind so often I talk about you so much That sometimes it still surprises me When I blink And you’re not standing next to me. On Sunday I stood in front of the water at North Berwick, where the sea becomes ocean, And the degree of stubbornness With which I fought The reality of your absence was so poignant That it seemed impossible to think that At least some waves of that love Might not have reached you to the other side. I’m under no illusion That we’ll eventually find our way back to each other But I still miss the sound of your happiness echoing through the walls of that house, I’m not consciously waiting for you To show up at my new doorstep But it is always your face that I see in my mind It is your upper lip that I draw with my fingertip As I watch two people leaning in. It pains me, Not knowing anything of what you’re doing The places you’re seeing The goals you’re achieving. I rejoice in your success, I rejoice in your growth Even though I know I’m in no way part of either It took me a while to accept this, But what I can’t figure out, what I cannot let go of Is whether I’ve still got a right to be proud of you. I’m still sorry for how I dumped myself all over you And for how that made you want nothing of me I’m still sorry for how I wanted to give all of what I am to you And how that still couldn’t be what you were looking for. I wonder who you turn to when you’re down And I wish that, at least once, You could’ve leant on me and found the shelter That I’ve always found in you. These days, You seem to be everywhere except for right here And your absence is so tangible That I get restless whenever others try to Talk me into giving up your ghost. Sometimes I still catch myself laughing at memories That carry your name and it downright scares me That seven months after you left You still make me happier Than any present thing in my life can. I can’t bring myself to reach out to you And let you know how in desperate need I am Of whatever fraction of yourself You’d be willing to give me Because I know my plea wouldn’t go unheard, I know you wouldn’t leave me hanging like that, But it’s not enough. It wouldn’t be. When it comes to you, nothing ever was. I say that I’d like to hear your voice But what I really mean is that I wish it could be you calling. But you never call. And the months go by. You don’t speak. But I can’t stop listening.

Your name is the strongest positive and negative connotation in any language it either lights me up or leaves me aching for days.

I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you go, I’ll never forget you, I’ll always remember, I hope you know.