Waffle Cakes

Lately I actually was sort of happy. My Life was still a total mess, but my girlfriend helped a lot. I joined Gishwhes and yeah, I actually could forget all the crap for a moment. But now I start messing up again. I overthink, push everyone away and just am always depressed. I'm sorry.

And there I was thinking I found someone I could trust. Someone I could rely on. Guess what. I was wrong yet again. Maybe I should just go back to shutting myself out of everything. That would probably be the best for me and everyone else. I'm not worth anything anyways, so why would someone care? No one would, that's the point.

There are those moments when you really would need someone to talk to you, to hold you close, but there is no one. Not a 'friend' has time for you in his or her life while you always make time for them, no matter how you feel. No one you're close enough to fully trust lately.

So, I did this kind of experiment where I disappear for a few days. No one even noticed. So why would they miss me if I left forever if they don't even notice I'm gone?

I'm one of those people to always put others before myself. No matter what is going on, it's always them first. Whether I know them or not. I'd probably hurt myself if it meant less pain for some stranger beside me. I'm just one of those people.

I don't know, should love feel like this? Like your heart is ripped apart every time you feel like you made a mistake? Every time someone doesn't reply right away although he's online? When you get a simple 'ok.'? When you ask what you are to the person and get 'it's hard to explain' as a reply while a few weeks ago it's been 'my everything'? Should it really feel this way?

I'm not a person to complain much... I feel sad on my own and get worse until someone pressures me to tell him or her what's wrong. I feel like I'm kind of the hotline everyone calls when being sad... Telling me what's wrong, I listen and make them feel loved. I tell them they can tell me everything and trust me, while I don't completely trust anyone. No one knows my deepest thoughts, the ghosts that haunt me and that I sometimes need a person just like I am to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be fine in the end... I know it's hard to stick with me, with me pushing people away, getting too attached and annoying, but I just want to be loved and not hurt like before ...

Happy new year? Not for me... It's been 1 day and it's even more messed up now... I think I fell for someone while I don't know how he feels about me. My friends are fighting again. My grandparents are bad. Non of my problems was solved. And I only have. Few friends that I'm scared will leave too... Great start...

Being the person I am, I'm quite used to sitting in my quiet room with my window open letting the cold air in and just thinking about life. Everyday again I realize that I'm really a bad person and friend. I keep on whining, talking shit and keep messaging others when they clearly don't wanna talk. Even my fake character for rp seems to annoy people. The ones I used to play with don't want to and new ones don't want to either. So I guess it's me. I don't even know why I carry on sometimes. No one likes to constantly be annoyed... And that's what I do....

Who would've though that? Besides me of course. No one ever really believes in me. I'm just the dumb little girl that has no own opinion, talks too much, trusts the wrong people and doesn't care. So basically I'm a cold hearted bitch? Thanks for letting me know...

I'm fucked up. The thing that's best shows this is the fact that after over 20 years, only a person that shouldn't love me loves me. It seems like I can't even be a nice person so that someone could love me. It's not only the romantically love I'm talking about, it's also the love you have for a close friend. It's all of that combined that makes me feel so messed up and lonely every single day. But I guess as I'm a bad person I deserve it. Just like all the other shit...