saturday, march 26, 2011 (middle of the night)
it is almost a month after i applied for sdsu & now i am in!
about a month ago, i wrote a blog about my new plans...well that quickly changed now. i got into sdsu's student affairs program about a week ago.
my first though was filled with happiness! :D then that night a strange feeling arose out of nowhere, what it is? fear? of what? there are these high expectations of getting into a master's program.
there are the expectations that you have acquire this sophisticated language (aka GRE testing. blah)
there is another expectation that i as a graduate student i am doing this to get a better job...not only that but that i am doing it to make more money. while a job in student affairs can be well paid. my expectations of making money are not the same as society's. i've told a few people who did not go to college that i am got in and one of the reactions i get is..."well once you are out, you'll be making money". they said with such assurance too!
i felt like i had more expectations than that...but somehow i can't think of any others...so at the end i don't know why i am scared.
i know i am good at what i do. i know that but just when i think of doing what the profession entails...i stopped and ask "can i do?"...and the answer is obvious when my thoughts are not clouden by fear. of course i can. somehow the confidence i had going into this profession is not here...not with me at the moment anyway.
it is somewhere lost in the fear of failure.
the last thing i want to do hear though is "you are going to do fine". i don't even know what i want to hear from others. i know that i want to hear from myselfthat things are going to be okay. i want to hear that obstacles will arise but i will overcome them. the mistakes will be make and when they do i'll learn from them. all of the is current wishful thinking because i hear it and don't believe. i need to go for a run. or one of those talks with a friend that you know they are listening to you, like a deep talk.
or i need some more reflective time. maybe another reason why the confidence is not doing so well is because i gotta figure out a whole lot of shit aka financial shenanigans. after this week when i submit my intent to enroll. things will be figured.
shoot maybe i should start writing a book because it looks like is going to be one of the most interesting and challenging years of my life. sigh.
the really ironic thing is that next day after finding out that i've gotten in i had already thought about getting a ph.d. oh jonas. one day i'll be dr. valdivia :]
uh that really has a nice ring to it :]
i have an idea on what i want to do my dissertation on. i'd want to be something at along the lines of oppressive language and its impacts. maybe something to do with gender norm. maybe on media although that can be a messy subject. maybe something along the lines of immigration and education. a dissertation in marketing...maybe but that's a really little maybe.
maybe one of these days i'll meet bell hooks :] she is the bomb diggity. i wrote a small portion from my future professor and i can tell his classes are going to be awesome! he was describing...something...
i had one of those moments where i realized what it is...it is frustration. not fear. it is frustration! frustration over instituationlized oppression. i have a feeling even when i figure out the financial situation i'll be frustated but i never let frustation stop me. i did come this far. sigh. breathe. think. breathe. think.
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