Sometimes u just need to write it all down to get it all out ๐ค๐ผ
Today was a hard day, my bb went back to night shifts so im back to nights by myself, but if im being honest its been a real hard week despite the work schedules going back to โnormalโ
Ive been doing real good with my anxiety lately, ive been trying to stay positive and happy, look at the bright side type of thing, for the most part its doing the job but of course thereโs gonna be some dips too i have to remember that.
Iโve been starting to do all the planning for my wedding thatโll be on October 23rd,2021 ๐ To the absolute love of my life.
Growing up every girl has this picture perfect dream of what her wedding and her life will be like at whatever projected age we give ourselves ( i was โsupposedโ to be married by 22 ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ oops)
But nobody ever tells u about the nitty gritty,
Like you may not have everything you want , you may not be able to invite everyone you want, youโre plans at age 12 are not realistic for real life wedding, you might not get an engagement party like that boy that went to your highschool, you will have family members who will not show up, there will be drama, it does cost excessively expensive and not everything is a fairytale at the end of the day. But we all knew this right?
About 7 months ago i lost contact with my dad, and without going into excruciating detail, heโs pretty much as gone as it gets and my god is it hitting me now. All the wedding planning and my head keeps going back to; He wonโt walk me down the aisle, i wont have a father daughter dance and he wont be able to give me away.
Life is full of uncertainties,but no.. i did not see this in the colorful spectrum of scenarios that could occur in the mind of an anxious adolescent.
My love and i are talking about babies, like really talking about babies. We look at Luna, our puppy and itโs crazy the love someone can have for their dog right, well imagine our first kid. You licture this unimaginable love you have for your kid, you think of what kind of parent youโll be, what kind of family youโll raise and where youโll be in 15 years. I dont know all those answers but holy good god will my man be the best damn father i have ever seen.
Weโre talking about godparents, were talking about bridal parties, honeymoons, career plans, and its all good. Itโs all good stuff. But im still not at my best mentally and thats ok..
My brother in laws new girlfriend is a real sweetheart, i think ive actually clocked more hours with her than i have my actual sister in law, oh well tho lol. She was telling me that Iโm a really good hype-man. She was saying someone could say something as silly as i didnt laugh just there, and i will fkng pump u up, with the wooo and the ouuu, and i sat back and thought that hype-man, yeah thatโs pretty legitimate.
But lately people have been telling me who i am alot, basing their judgement off things i unnoticeably do, but I wanna take a second to define myself, iโm a person who will ALWAYS put their others first regardless of the fact over the years in my past it wasnโt always reciprocated, im someone who loves to eat so yeah i have some extra weight on my body and no im not innocent to the fact its unhealthy, im attentive as fuck but i rarely say what I notice for fear of being judged, i have alot of feelings and thoughts and sometimes (alot of the times) i dont vocalize them because its way easier to shutup about it then start a thing, im funny as hell, im not a GQ model but I have some nice features. Im fucking smart and I donโt always get the credit I should but I graduated cegep in business marketing and now im going to be a fully certified stock broker at the age of 24. Not bad at all
I have alot of faults, im naggy, i get tired fast, i have a hard time saying no because i hate to disappoint, im annoying and i need alot of love. But you know what Iโll never do? Walk out on my fucking kids.
Yes im sad. But Iโll be okay. And overall Iโd say im pretty fucking proud of who i am and the life i have, even though i get sad sometimes i see alot more growth than darkness and thatโs enough for now.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
