I’m Going To Bed

you start to understand

that memory isn’t a one-way mirror.

That maybe, just maybe,

when she crosses your mind,

uninvited, undeniable,

some heart shaped pendant, chains 'round my throat.

also the house without windows by the shore.

across the lighthouse that's been standing tall,

guiding all the passing ships sailing afar.

for all the sailors who thought they could be a savior,

yet he would borrow those treasure chests

he thought she had hid six feet under.

but there wasn't any guiding map or any light.

just the known constellation holding out its arms,

asking to craddle these worn out hearts.

but the salt in the air is always rubbing my wounds.

and i knew that my mother would love to

pass down a good family heirloom.

the skyline leans like it’s had too much again all brick and breath that smells like yesterday foam clinging to the corners of every conversation no one remembers starting

they call it charm I call it a hangover that never leaves

streets sweat out regret in neon signs flicking OPEN like a dare like stay, one more night like you haven’t already lost enough here

the lake looks honest from a distance but up close it’s just another mirror showing me a version of myself I swore I’d outgrow

everyone’s laughing too loud like if they stop they might hear their own thoughts echoing off the bathroom tile

I’ve memorized the taste of leaving but never quite managed to swallow it

there’s a rhythm here bottle, break, repeat a pulse that keeps you stuck just long enough to forget you ever had somewhere else to be

I hate this place for how easy it is to disappear inside it

for how it almost convinced me this was living

tonight I pack light just enough of me left to make a clean exit

no goodbyes no last calls no looking back

They said it like a whisper like saying it too loud might break something overdose as if the word itself was heavier than the body it took

You were never heavy though you moved like something temporary like laughter in a room that didn’t deserve it like smoke curling toward a ceiling that could never hold you

I remember your hands always restless always reaching for something just out of frame you said the world felt like a locked door and you were tired of knocking

I should have listened harder

You used to joke that you’d leave early beat us all to whatever comes next we laughed because the alternative was knowing you meant it

And now your name sits in past tense conversations like a photograph left in the rain fading at the edges but impossible to throw away

They say you made a mistake they say it like it was a single moment a wrong turn a misstep

But I know better

It was a thousand quiet nights stacked on top of each other a slow erosion no one thought to measure it was every time the world asked too much and gave you too little back

Still I can’t help but be angry as whatever took you at whatever convinced you that leaving was lighter than staying

because you were light already

You didn’t need saving You didn’t need escaping

You always had wings you just didn’t believe they could carry you here

Cough out my voice,

Spit my soul into the sink,

Wheeze prayers that I could be better,

More than what I think,

Flesh is flawed and I am it,

Such is the shadow's song,

And while I rave deep in my cave,

Graphics by Raphael Galerina

When character is angry:

Snapped

Spat

Snarled

Hissed

Barked

...or sad:

Choked

Mumbled

Managed

Croaked

Murmured

...or if they're feeling nervous:

Stammered

Babbled

Rambled

Muttered

Squeaked

...and even when flirting:

Coaxed

Purred

Teased

Hummed