public diary

other people my age are building meaningful relationships meanwhile i’m over here developing the b/p subtype of anorexia

just realized that after wasting my teenage years being held back by my insecurities i’m wasting my college years too. i don’t wanna carry this shit with me forever but idk if i’ll ever be able to stop indefinitely

i’m currently in my recovery era (this won’t last bc i go through this every few months, just wait until someone suggest going swimming or smt) but i dreamed that my mom looked real skinny and when i asked her she said yes, she fasted for a week and i thought hmm maybe i should too then😭😭 das sum bullshit

i can’t buy anything sweet anymore because i end up eating it all in a very short amount of time. my jar of fucking jam lasted three days. three. what the fuck is wrong w me

i’m wasting my time with everything i do. either i’m wasting it by eating and not making progress or im wasting it by focusing too much on my ed and having no mental space for anything else

just did the math and if i wanna be at my ugw on my birthday i really do need to start now, otherwise it would be unrealistic

maybe it’s all of the protein i’ve been consuming bc i can’t quite bring up the part inside of me that cares to count cals so im just trying to eat high in protein but i look better than i did last week altho im probably heavier…? haven’t stepped onto the scale in 5ish days i think

i want to stop binging so bad and rn my head is so clear and i have my goals in front of my eyes again but ik that if i should binge id probably purge it and bc purging=bad i have to refrain from binging

i’m gonna stick to the plan on my Lose It! app bc apparently i’ll lose 1kg per week which is too slow for me but anything more would be downright unrealistic so 870cal limit it is