these moving parts inside of me @invisible-machinery - Tumblr Blog

rowan ☆ 24 ☆ a bitch who bitches ☆ he/him

me when im mentally ill and wanna kill myself

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i’m genuinely going to be alone forever

and there it goes. like a slow exhale, everything i was hoping for, praying for, is washed away. and i will be left here alone. always alone.

i haven’t left claw marks on everything i’ve ever loved. i didn’t dig my nails in hoping to cling on for just a little longer. i took the first step back. before i could reach and cling, i stepped back. i let you drift away until i was out of your life entirely. sometimes i left first to spare myself the pain. because i know eventually everyone else will choose someone else over me

AND AFTER EVERYTHING HE FANCIES SOMEONE ELSE. wow. FUCKING wow.

#guys im gonna kill myself #alright whatever. WHATEVER.

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i really do hate my brain because i like uhhhh inflicting wounds in places that are super visible so then i can see them but that also means mm incredibly difficult to hide

#like i wanna destroy my hands unfortunately that is just not something i can do

5 year streak broken 🙌🙌🙌🙌

#u know i thought id be more upset about being back here #but lowkey this is a vibe #think this is what my 2025 needed tbh #come full circle. started in 2015 start back again a decade later #hell yeah honestly

oh boy we are so in it guys

#like ok the urge to sh is so odd for me cause its like #mmm how fun would that be mmmmm itd be so fun #like its not a self punishing thing or anything its a mmm pain good pain means im alive mmmmm #and also mmmm blood mmmm good

mmmmmmmmmmmm. mmmmmmmmmmmmm im already pissed off and annoyed about the day. like wdym i gotta get dressed and do shit and not lay here for another hour and try to sleep but be unable to <- is gonna do that anyway

#also feeling very pointedly called out #which like totally didnt happen and im just being overly sensitive #but why was i told on three separate locations about smth a friend went through #one of which being a screenshot of the server im in in a group chat #and the screenshot featuring the only other person in the gc #like sorry i was sleeping?? i am u know. 6 hrs ahead. and it was. 2 in the morning.#ugh this is why i shouldnt have depressive episodes it makes me so low empathy

oh yeah its gonna be every day like this mmmm yummy

#lowkey just gonna sink myself into this #fuck getting better atp #i’ll just leap to the bottom. save myself the time

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i camt even put the mask up anymore. im too tired. which means people are going to start getting worried and im gonna get asked if im okay. and i’m gonna lie and say yeah of course why wouldnt i be

#mmmm not quite at rock bottom yet #think i can go further #time to self sabotage my own recovery #cause i want a reason to kill myself #yippeee

i really cant do this forever. i cant be teased with joy only for it to be ripped away at the last second. i can’t be happy then spiral into a months long depression. every single spiral over the past year has gotten me closer and closer to the edge. i dont know how i’m going to keep doing this. i want to die . i want to be gone. i want to have never lived. i want my existence to be completely wiped away. i want it to be like i never existed in the first place so people won’t hurt when i go. im so tired of living

put a fucking gun to my head man i cant do this shit anymore

gets told my dnd character is being too anti social.

i have social anxiety and get shy about rping in front of new people😭 esp when i dont entirely know a character all that well aND I DONT KNOW THIS CHARACTER AND WHAT I WANT THEIR PERSONALITY TO BEEE

I think a lot of people underestimate how much I’m affected by things. I don’t “break down” I don’t scream and cry and yell. I don’t even cry. Didn’t really cry with two of my grandparents died. Because I’ve learned that’s what family members do. They die. They’ve been dying all my life. And that’s the root of it, isn’t it. Grief is my oldest friend, one of my first memories. It’s the only thing that’s been consistent in my life. By 14, I had attended more funerals than my parents had when they were twice my age. I know death, death knows me.

So when people assume I’m not as fucked up as them, it’s kind of funny. Because losing at least on person a year, every single year, for 8 straight years. Well that’ll fuck you up. Majorly, actually. But I’ve been dealing for it for so long, it didn’t feel like a heavy weight. But it was, it is.

It was this year when someone looked me in the eyes and told me, with complete seriousness “I don’t know how you did it.” Because never before had anyone acknowledged how much I had lost. Teachers, friends, grandparents, aunts. I’ve lost so much. I don’t know what it’s like to not grieve. I don’t know what it’s like to not miss someone who won’t ever come back cause tHATS ALL IVE EVER FUCKING KNOWN

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my dm does NOT gaf about my character :/

dont fucking “okie 🥺” after u were the one being passive aggressive. if u cant take the heat dont fucking dish it out

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these moving parts inside of me