INTRUSIVE PROPREITARY

2025

It’s 2025 and I know my timeline has shifted. This is not my world. Everything has changed even though a lot of it is still the same. I can feel it in my body. This body is not the same. This mind is decaying.

Some people say it is your thirties.

Ignorance is bliss but I seek the truth and the truth has me stuck in reality. The reality which is not mine. How do I get out of this? Who has answers? Do I go within or without- the space that is easier to conquer without a sense of self? The space that pushes me to the most narcissistic end of my being?

I shiver. I cry. It all feels wrong. I am grieving, but it doesn’t feel like grief. It feels like a show. A face put on to accept this as fate. Is there a possibility to go back? Not unless I have a time travelling machine with me. What if she is dead in the other timeline as well. Did my other self spend enough time with her? Did my other self fight to save her? Was it just the shift in timelines that caused this outcome or was it me? Maybe it is my fate to wander through timelines till I find the courage to make myself a hero. To do what is right. To be the person she brought me up to be. To be good and fearless and not scared of love. To be forgiving because I need forgiveness too.

I feel weak and tired. Why can’t I be like them and take this world by the storm. Be a queen and be ruthless. Why do I feel the need to change the definition of what it means to rule? I crave to be in power but I want to change the notion of it. I want power to be weakness and vulnerability.

Silly girl, don’t you know that the rules have already been made and you must stick to them? How can you even think that you with your weakness can change the rules. You are the player and not the game-master.

Then what does it take to be the game-master? To be in control?

A complete lack of it. Let go. Surrender. Surrender to your sadness. Surrender to your anger. Surrender to what your life is and then maybe - If the fates will take pity, you will get control. Do you believe in it?

What? Fate?

Yes, fate, destiny? Weren’t you just talking about it? You definitely believe in it. If you do, then just surrender. And help will come. And once it does then you accept it. You surrender again. Or…

Or?

Change your beliefs. Take the hard road. You want to believe that destiny plays a role so you can have no blame for how your life turned out. Take the blame. Accept it was all your doing. Including her death. You know you had a part to play. You could have fought. Stepped out of the circle of trying to be perfect and you could have done what is right. Just because you’re stuck in this new world does not mean you cannot rule it. Step out of your righteousness. You’ve heard this before.

What if it changes me? What if it takes away who she brought me up to be? What if it takes away the part of her that lives on in me?

And then what? So you don’t change? And get stuck in the same loop that has kept you here for so long? The loop that asks for balance in everything? Fine, you achieve the balance but does that mean you will live? A life where there are no ups because you are terrified of the downs? Why aren’t you saying anything now? Cat caught your tongue?

I’m just so tired of these constant battles in my head. I don’t want to be brave. I want to give in.

If you have to give in, give in to life. Not death.

*she shuts down

Maybe I should intervene.

And say what? What can you possibly say that will push her out of this? You know what the rules are. They are meant to navigate through the darkness to find light. That is what life is about. It doesn’t matter if the timeline shifted or not. It’s all up to her how it goes from here. You can’t say anything. And it’s not like you haven’t tried to intervene. You’ve given her signs. You’ve told her she isn’t alone. She’s just too scared to actually know you. To believe in you. She doesn’t believe in herself. How can she believe in you? She will think she is going crazy if she does. You gave religion to humans so that they could find an easier way to connect with you. To feel less alone. Some know how to nurture that light, while others blaze it to plunge into darkness. She runs away from it. Says that she knows that there is something but religion might not be it. She isn’t too far from the truth. But doesn’t she realise that she isn’t strong for the truth. You gave her everything. The talent, the wisdom, the love needed to nurture it. The troubles so that she can ground herself.But al she ever does is run away. Maybe there is no hope. Left her fall and not rise. Then she we realise the truth and have to begin again.

I want to give her hope.

Oh you and your hope. Don’t you know it’s a dangerous thing? It makes her weak every time you give her a gift. She falls back into old patterns. Goes back to the place that she began. Takes everything for granted and does no work. And then she dwindles again. Don’t give her hope.

One needs courage to make the shift consciously. Without hope there is no courage.

My courage was her and now she is gone. They both are.

What if we give you the truth? Will you be able to handle it?

I don’t know. Maybe I am running from it. A part of me feels like I already know. But if what I think is the truth, it would be so delusional.

See, she’s scared. She can’t handle the truth. She can’t step into the power that is right there in front of her.

It just feels wrong for me to be able to wield all that power. And to do it alone. In the books, the power doesn’t come in solitude. At least not the right kind of power. The right kind of power comes to the forefront with friends and lovers and deep relationships. If I do it by myself, it would defy all things that are good. That are human. And if I am to defy that and step into it, I would have deny my humanity. That would have to be delusional.

I always thought I was God’s favourite child. Things came easy. I could see the light in my eyes. Now there seems to be darkness and unrest. Maybe I should take the easier way of understanding and turn to God.

You could turn to God. Or you could turn to what resides in you. So what if you’re not human. Maybe you’re something better.