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You picked me for your birthday dinner at North Italia

At first you mentioned being tired and that it wasn't that you weren't excited to see me

We get on the escalator to get out of the parking garage

I'm checking my phone, snapping Leah back i think, and I look up and you're leaning on the bar at the back of the elvator while i'm on the side wall and you just say "you look really great"

We hold hands and make our walk to the resturant, you ask me if i'm good or if i wanna switch to the inside and i make my movee to switch sides

The reservation isn't until later, but lucky for us there is a table open for us as soon as we check in

Dinner progresses, food comes and we are having an amazing time, the food is all so good

You compliment what good taste I have and how rare it is

You get a little impatient with the dessert

I am craving it also but don't think much about it but it was a while because the waiter comps it for us

you offer to tip because you have cash which I don’t let you do because it’s your birthday but you want to because you like out waiter I insist I’ll tip well

We walk back and on the elevator and start kissing and it's like magic the way we melt into each other

We makeout more by the car and I bend down and start giving you head and eventually make our way home

Have to recap a weekend with everyone i love

Friday night I went shopping with Bri and caught up with her over dinner at North Italia

Then headed over to Tracks to meet Audrey, Leah, and Emj at the Barbie roll. Which in itself was such a blast, and I ended the night picking up Tay from Meadowlark

Then Saturday, I slept until late and got up and got ready to go to Sylina's to go to Global - my makeup turned out so good. At which Global was so fun with everyone. Then as always, we didn't end up making it to the afters, so we had one at Sylina's all just laying around the couch and enjoying the music

Even though i got home 4am, I woke up and texted James back and we talked on and off all morning and he ended up coming over early and he was here for 3+ hours but it felt like 10 and a day all at the same time. He gave me exactly what i needed today, he used my body but also let me melt and snuggle into his.

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written here..

But I need to, as much as it's the last thing I want to do.

You turned into someone I never thought you would be. Someone who says mean things just to hurt me, someone that uses things I trusted you with against me. 

The more I think about Sunday night the more fucked up it gets. 

A night that was suppose to be fun, us dancing and kissing and even possibly taking it too far.

Turned into me crying on the floor of my kitchen while you antagonized me while I begged you to stop. 

I can't even pinpoint where it all went so wrong, you got to the party and I was so drunk I didn't notice how drunk you were. I was just happy you were there.

Going down the stairs, I have no idea what happened but you were upset at the guy in the group in front of us and I was physically trying to put myself between you and him

Outside you were angry I could tell you wanted to fight and when we finally got in the uber words were exchanged and all I can remember is you screaming and demanding Giselle tell you how much money she made.

I was miserable. We got out they left and we went inside. I have no idea how it escalated so much.

You were so mad about them, you kept calling her names.

Names that I call myself when I hate myself and I begged you to stop, but you kept going getting in my face - shaking me screaming you weren't talking about me and why was I getting so upset.

You brought up things about drinking with my dad and being nothing like him. You screamed at me as I cried and begged for you just to stop.

I was on the coffee table then I was on the kitchen floor crying. Not one of my lashes survived this crying. You walked out for a minute and I remember just itching to cut because it would take away the pain of being there.. The only thing that stopped me was me not wanting you to get hurt in case you tried to take it from me.

And I remember thinking and saying that I wish you would've just hit me, at least that way I would physically feel as terrible as you were making me feel.

Eventually- i think you came back and had me open the garage and just like that you were gone. I sat outside for a little, still after all that, hoping you would turn around. But you left. Walked right out of my life.

And today I finally realized, I can love him as much as I want, he has done nothing but show me he doesn't want to do what it takes to love me.

That no one that truly loved me would treat me that way, even drunk.

Unsent text:

I don’t want to talk and I definitely I don’t have it in me to fight, but I’m so hurt and alone right now. Even after everything that happened on Sunday night, when you left to walk home, I sat outside hoping I could catch you and you’d come back. I really thought Sunday would be a fun night for us to dance and reconnect even if for just the night. I was so drunk by the time you got there, I didn’t even realize you were too. I hate that that’s our last memory, I hate that I ended a night I wanted to just have fun with another scar and a hole in my heart. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this and I don’t really want you to respond because I know we can’t take it back now, but I wanted you to come back. I didn’t want you to leave. No matter what I said, I didn’t want you to leave, I just wanted it to stop.

Taking stock of all the old ways that no longer serve me

Between my own thoughts blaming myself for how I looked or how I felt

To the ways I used peoples attraction to me to cope or allowed them to continue to behave poorly bc in my current moment it wouldn’t harm and an I would enjoy it to only suffer later on

I must be great

Because the people that love me

Maybe it’s nothing

But Cole

Could be more at this point

I’ve tried to get rid of him like 3 times at this point

He doesn’t go

And I’ve always communicated with him clearly

First about how the girls he liked make it feel like he wouldn’t actually like me

Second when I didn’t like how he acted after

And idk maybe it’s because I’m in what feels like a dissociative state

But I loved laying there and rubbing on him

I hate the way tumblr formats everything now

I had to write today

I felt so powerful today

I was thinking about how frustrating it was they didn't total my car bc my car would've never survived all the driving i did this weekend

and then at 3pm i get an email saying they decided my car was a total loss

on top of that- this weekend.. just knowing that cherry creek was going to be good for Bri and I and having said it for months

it's also a new moon and solar eclipse today and Sylina and i went to the Starhouse - and we did a pass the flame thing and it was so fun to give her her mine and connect

As usual, I didn’t plan anything out over the weekend.

Let it go with the flow

Friday, I ended up going into work and it was snowing so I felt that was an excuse for me to stay in and just make a nice dinner go to bed early

(To which, I woke up to a text from Sam, Jose, Corey and Alex (and a DM from Cole)

Saturday was nicer and sunny so I felt bad staying in but wasn’t really up for a rager and I hit up Bri, thinking this is the perfect balance. Middle ground, she’s fun but responsible enough that we’ll probably call it early.

Boy, was I wrong about that. We went to Cretan’s for a drink first and since the food was ridiculously expensive we opted to stop by Hapa for some Sushi before heading to Forget Me Not. At Hapa, Bri is faced toward the bar and making eye contact with a boy she finds cute (he’s a blonde white body so) and one thing leads to another and when we’re leaving he grabs her and pulls a “staring is rude” and they ask us if we want to join them, but we say we’re going to Forget Me Not and meet us there. At Forget Me Not - the energy is immediately different from Beer Hall or Meadowlark and we’re both enjoying ourselves. And the boys eventually get there, we all chat a little and they leave to go next door to Chez Roc and ask us to meet them there.

I felt a little awkward being as they aren’t my usual type so i take a shot before leaving Forget Me Not and we head over to Chez Roc

At which the flirting ensues - first Bri and Jacob and then I flirt with Steph a bit. At some point Bri speaks to Sean a bit but eventually is back by Jacob leaving me in the middle of Sean and Steph who I like most but Sean is starting to not look so good and so I check in on him and he pulls me in. I also just remembered at some point I def said out loud flirting that I always thought I’d make a good second wife

We start talking and I can tell he’s starting to spiral out, to which I try my best just to bring him back to the present moment.. asking him what he likes about the bar or something he notices about me. I wish I could remember what he said about me (it was sweet, maybe that I’m comforting?)

And after a while he says he should go, I confirm how he got there, if he’s okay to get home, and if he needs anything else and even offer to help him get home.. after a minute he says yes, and I agree to take him home to Brighton.

Small note, as we head back to my car, I see a white BMW parked in front of mine. I take it as a sign of you being happy with what’s going on. We’re driving back, he complements my driving we’re chatting and he says how kind I am and compliments me in a similar fashion the rest of the night. I get him home and we realize he doesn’t have his keys.. and I’m almost out of gas so we go and I don’t know what got into me but I was definitely like you have to get the gas for me / just saying the physical act of it because it’s cold and night but nonetheless he ends up getting me a full tank while I pee and get gaterade a for us.

I believe this is the point in which he kisses me when I return to the car and make a plan to go back to Denver.

We end up driving back separately rately and meeting Bri and Jacob.

You immediately came up and opened my door for me and we came in for a tour, which shortly after we ended up leaving

But it showed me a few things

One. The employed/just brought a house/nice car dude may ultimately treat you better than the unemployed one

Two. Bri is locked in as bestie

today was really nothing, just working, but there was a moment when i was laying down bc i didn't feel well and you knelt down next to me and the way you looked at me made my heart jump - i imagine it's the look i have when i look at you - just full of love

it really is timing

i think you meant it when you said i was your dream girl

i think you meant it when you said i was meant for you

and i meant it every time i've ever said that you were sent to me for a reason

I've been seeing this and that about this year feeling like or being a cycle of 2016/2017

and so many things have been coming back up for me from that time

raves/house of yes nights

my gauges are back

boys boys boys

i've been wanting to have a threesome again

and that was my era of being a unicorn

I've been thinking back to that time and be mindful of growth and of lessons and so i can do better

or at least take from what i learned in past experiences to further better future ones

i made some small links but i think they are a stretch honestly

i thought the vici brothers were like the bushwick boys - in reality that wasn't even close to the same except maybe the way Vic was being weird like Blake that one night he just left?

i thought Que could be like the shithead Philip, but Que is just not as bad bc Philip, well he was treating me poorly as an effort to get me to be mean to him

and the funniest is thinking Josh and Cole were even potentially in the same realm - Cole is handsome, smart, and tall (+ has a huge nice cock) Josh was short in many areas but ate pussy like he was starving.

either which way maybe it's not about one for one experiences but more so how i handle them this time

those we two huge years for me. i got dumped by my first adult boyfriend.. i graduated college, i got my first job. years that shaped me.

it's so funny seeing some of the post where some problems definitely still exist (feeling good enough/wanting to be home with my family/hating not being fought for) and how many huge things have changed for the better

this is specific for 2016 bc 2017 is a lot of rob and it's late and i'm tired and i still have to write about this weekend but to start.. the biggest one

I want to die. less. There are still days i where everything feels heavy and nearly impossible but the overall i'd be better dead? has faded significantly. meeting D has also shown me how completely unrealistic the fantasy of my family being okay if i did is..

i found a post saying i didn't want kids bc they age you and spend all your money, and while, yes, i still agree and i def did. i can't imagine a life where i don't get to be a mother..

there's something about wanting to be with someone i can get blackout drunk with? and for the life of me i can't seem to figure out the reason why i wrote it.. i think it must've been about Lee but nonetheless - i'm a tank and i have someone who let's me cuss them out for absolutely no reason and will still come spend the night after. regardless of where out love is or will be next time i read this. it's been an incredible blessing to have the relationship we have.

lastly, i wrote about how all i wanted was to be in a place at my ten year reunion where i didn't care what people thought of me and baby. i made it. i still care about what some people think of me obviously butttt those people? who i couldn't care less about? no thank you.

and i'm so incredibly impressed with how far i've come though sometimes it feels like i'm still 14 crying my eyes out in the dark. and though not everything is better or even different, so much is.

anywho let's get into this weekend and last because - so many feelings.

last weekend was the first weekend where i didn't have to travel or wasn't sick or didn't already have a plan. it was all spontaneous.

friday i was planning to hang with lexi but they were too hungover (or at least she was?) and didn't end up going out but luckily sylina texted saying she was doing bottomless margs and i figured what's the harm in a couple drinks.

which are famous last words.

i ended up with them the rest of the night jumping from bar to bar doing shots. we went just about everywhere started at the resturant, then bar 404 (the lesbian bar), canopy, federales and then mile high spirits? which in the end was a fun and enlightening night because i realized two things. I am an unreasonable brat when drunk and my first instinct is to give everyone the cold shoulder when they approach me (i.e. Tyler - who was a cute sweetie that meant no harm lol) - the brat was me in Trents' car asking D to pick me up even though i had my own car AND he send uber money and saying fuck you when he said no

saturday night i went on a date with Daryl in FOCO which was a fine date he was such a gentleman but there were so many red flags.. being insistent on opening the car door (tot the point where when i tried to get he jokingly threatened to beat me, his cuddling my chest in the car, and the story about this ex trying to leave without telling him in fear of his reaction) and then i came home and got ready to go out with lexi.

the original plan was lime but with a super long line + 45 dollar cover we wound up at view house. so so many faces this night, shedding the addittude + Giselle's friendly convos i ended up talking to a couple men. one was the tallest guy in the room, but he was for everyone, and come to find out he had a million kids. two, Charles, who was respectable while there but went completely ghost the next day. then Deon who was nice then unfollowed me and removed me as a follower (without a word??) and the cute one who never goes out that got away with the weird friend (luka look a like) who's IG was doing all kids of crazy the next couple days?

sunday thankfully was chill that weekend, just spending time with Sylina on the first warm spring day of the year.

spent everynight with D that weekend.

through the week as less eventful but still I managed to tell Daryl i didn't want anything serious and Cole the truth why i'd been avoiding him

this weekend started on thursday bc Sylina had a friend Erika in town, and of course me not being able to say no and wanting to go out on opening day agreed. and I ended up asking Nore/Vic to meet us and he got out and was a total dick. (after showing up hours after we planed) but this is the night i connect with sweet Jose.

Then friday is the concert which is so so fun. Ican't wait for more hopefully they go smoother and an ex hookup who ghosted me/sexually harassed a friend i didn't even know doeesn't show up

Saturday is slow and i end up spiraling and i reach out to Corey, who doesn't answer and Jose who says yes but has to go out bc he promised his brother, and ends up here att 5am

then there's my sunday where I get blown off by my parents who are in tampa leaving me the day to myself which ends in me agreeing to pick up D and a quick meet with Cole.

Cole is more amazing than i was expecting in every single way.

Jose is someone who i can tell has a kind heart but for someone who says he wants to stay in and just chill ended up at the strip club with his brother and stayed out til 5 and is now drinking again.

i'm not entirely sure how i'll proceed with him buuuuut we will see. esp. cause he's still a horrrible texter

I am having a lot of waves of anxiety

Yesterday when I got home and settled down I was tired and sad

I don’t know if it’s because of the high I rode Saturday night into Sunday

Thinking I was gonna wake up to a bunch of messages

And today I’m still feeling weird in moments where I slow down

I’m glad I didn’t let that Charles convince me bc him ignoring me now really solidifies that was the right choice

Then there’s the guy I met outside who just left, I think that his friend blocking me is just a sign of me needing to be more humble

I also know that what’s mine is already mine and what didn’t happen wasn’t meant for me

I’m just having a hard time with it at the moment

2 - Are you watching anything on TV at the moment, or are you listening to music while you fill this out? yes, i'm playing a cody ko button video

3 - What was the last thing you cooked in the oven? pigs in a blanket

4 - Who was the last person you spoke to? What was it about? kristen - about the gift she was wrapping it was in a doc box so i was confused

5 - Would you leave the house in what you’re wearing at the moment?no, but one bc they're my pajamas and its very cold. i feel like i'll always be in my pajamas

6 - What was the last thing that made you sad? probably everyone bailing on me for my birthday

7 - What was the last thing that made you happy? being with D and Leah yesterday and just realizing he came with his best whole self

8 - What is your current favorite photo of yourself and describe it? i like the birthday photos - i think the polroid would be my absolute but my face is so round. i also really like the photostrip from sputnik i took while jennie was visiting

9 - What did you get yourself for your birthday this year? not one specific thing i guess, my facial next week, my astrology reading?

10 - What’s something that’s trending right now? perfect match & the selena and haliey drama

11 - What are you dreading right now? waiting for my person

12 - What’s the last huge *revelation* you connected the dots on?  i don't know if this counts but like just how disconnected my parents must feel being that they've lived here in the US longer than their own country

12 - What are you doing tomorrow? working :( (same)

13 - Is there anything annoying you right now? me - for having feelings? Que - for being flaky and getting short about my threesome?

14 - Are you looking forward to anything? considering how hard the last weeks have been, just everything

15 - Where are you finishing this right now? in my home, that i own in thornton in my bed.. (same)

16 - Current favorite podcast? ugh seventeen is still so good but i've been listening to a lot of lovers and friends

I saw a friend post about doubting she wants a child because she’s been being bullied by a 3 year old she’s currently living with

And it makes me think

About how a couple weeks ago

I sent Kristy a snap about how some day I’m going to have to accept my child likes her more

And in the same thought I acknowledged that some day my child is going to fucking hate me

It’s going to suck

But i hope that it will just be something that passes as she gets older and that I haven’t traumatized her so much she hates me forever

I mourned the death of our future as recently as this month

The life that should’ve been

That could’ve have been