In the Darkest of Places

I’ve been trying not to romanticize this trip and make it some big thing in my head because I always do that even with little weekend trips to a city 3 hours away and they never live up to my romanticized version. Like I keep jokingly saying I’m gonna find a husband over there to get me out of this shit hole country (I know it’s not great there either but at least they don’t have a Cheeto) but the rational side of me knows that’s not going to happen because guys don’t acknowledge my existence unless I work with them and they have to ✌🏻

I’ve been going to the gym a few days a week for the last month or so and I’ve been watching what I eat because I would like to lose weight. I kept saying if I could just lose 5 pounds before this trip I’ll feel so much better on it and here I am, getting ready to leave and I’ve actually gained a few pounds so that’s super fucking fun for me. My period is due to start any day now and I’m terrified it’s going to start when I’m in the middle of Camden market or something. So because of that I’m already like on edge and irritable.

Speaking of being irritable. So my best friend lives in my basement - we turned it into an apartment to get her out of a bad relationship I’m talking it’s a one bed one bath apartment down there but not legally since it’s partially underground, anyway - and I feel like I’m being taken super advantage of. She’s supposed to pay half of the rent and half of the bills. Well April is almost over and she hasn’t paid me her half and she hasn’t paid a utility bill since Feb. but she went to a concert tonight with the friends she’s trying to replace me with. She also owes my mom a fuck ton of money because I stuck my neck out and vouched for her and I’m really tired of hearing about it. Like if my “landlord” wasn’t my grandmother this wouldn’t be okay at all - I say landlord but it’s really a rent to own agreement and she gave me authority to basically do what I wanted to the house hence the basement reno - like whatever if you can’t pay it now just say something dude but instead I get ignored for a boy and shiny new friends who like the bands she likes. Ask me when the last time her and I just hung out was. February. And it was a 24 hour trip to nyc that I fuckin funded. Before that? Dunno. We don’t just hang out and go to lunch or go to a local show. She never asks me to do that stuff but she surely asks her other friends. Every single weekend. But it’s cool I’ll stay home and let your elderly dogs out while you’re out having fun and make sure that the bills get paid on time so that you can sit downstairs with your weird boy not friend and stream movies into the wee hours of Monday morning.

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to make friends myself because we are going to LTL in September and then the weekend after I bought tickets to see sleep token in Cleveland. They are one of if not my favorite band. She doesn’t care for them. Last year we went to when we were young fest in Vegas and it was fine. A few bands I liked were there but it was more her scene. Well I funded that and I’m funding this trip so I decided where we are going. Anyway, I keep getting comments about me making her see sleep token twice in ten days and it’s like bro I never said you had to go to either. And that’s where me making friends comes in. I’m not going to let her being bored and miserable there ruin a festival where every single day there are bands I adore and listen to daily playing. Bands that mean a lot to me. I’m not going to let her standing there all cranky prevent me from having fun. We used to have so much fun at shows dancing and scream singing but now we just stand there. So I’ve been trying to talk to people in LTL pages to try and make friends to meet up with. It’s not going well because making friends as an adult is fucking hard dude. I’ve reconnected with someone from high school but I’m not taking him to either because that would be awkward - long story - so I’m starting to dread these shows in September and that’s not fucking fair.

We both like this band called Grayscale. Well they are opening for two other bands I don’t really care for and she bought tickets for me her and another friend of hers to go. This other friend really likes the second band playing. I’m super fucking tempted to tell her Krystal needs to take her to the show because I’m not staying after Grayscale. I don’t know the other bands and I’ve tried to get into them but it’s just not for me and I really don’t want to sit there for 2 hours on a work night not enjoying myself.

Anyway, she’s feeding my cats while I’m away and I’ve asked her all week to come up so I can show her how I feed them and she’s ignored it and she’s going to her parents - 3 hours away - tomorrow for her brothers birthday and I leave tomorrow so hopefully she gets what I say in the note I’m going to leave.

It’s been about a year that she’s lived in the downstairs apartment and over that year the feeling of being used has just been getting worse.

On the plus side I’m going to lie and tell her I didn’t sign up for the international plan so I’ll have 10 days away from these thoughts to think about how I’m going to handle it when I get back.

Oh and being gone and having a busy schedule for 10 days is crazy but when I get back it will be May and that’s means less than 10 days left until the new Sleep Token album and that’s very exciting for me.

Okay that’s all time for bed.