All My Thoughts

Half of the bed just a surface for towels and clothes to settle upon Having to call a locksmith when keys find a hideaway Twice the sweat, no one to mow the back lawn So many rooms empty and echoing

light, in the time of dying

to move, and not be flying

a force propelled through timeless decay

to set upon where my body lay

the winds of midnight sighing.

light,

You placed your hand right at the base of your sternum “Right here…”. A soft exhale and a small stutter later you completed the thought, “Right at the bottom of your heart. You don’t feel it there?” There’s an openness in the question I’ve never heard from you before. There’s just a sliver of vulnerability finding its way to the surface …maybe, but I don’t have time to analyze your intentions now. Because now you’re watching me, waiting for an answer, and gauging my reaction. I have to stifle the urge to correct your anatomy. Instead of “Thats not your heart babe,” I choose my next best defense mechanism.

“No, I don’t have feelings,” I laugh, brushing the question away as quickly as it came. This time I’m lucky. You don’t seem to catch me avoiding the question.

Now should be the moment I exhale in relief. Once again I’ve managed to keep you at a safe distance. Instead though, I am overtaken by that feeling. Yes, that one right there. The one like you’ve just swallowed a mouthful of rocks. Of course I know it. In fact, I would say I’m far too familiar with that feeling, because what you recognize as an extreme emotion or heartbreak is the base state of my being. I am perpetually swallowing stones with every inhale of breath from the moment I wake until I am finally heavy enough to find sleep’s embrace. For as long as I remember there is not a minute or a memory in my life untainted by my aching.

So the honest answer? Yes my darling I feel it right there. I feel you right there.