“ next time “

I get it, I understand it. I’m not really mad. I’m just disappointed with how I was just sooo on point about everything. I wish I would’ve known sooner. Words from you. I mean it would’ve made it less bearable. Less fortunate to me. No faint memories for me to rely on. And I told you.. if I were to go or you were to die because that’s all you would ask me. Word for word. “ what if died would you…? “

I wouldn’t because I don’t seek anyone other than you. All I was looking for was right in front of me. Yeah. We can both agree. I was mistreating, inconsiderate and careless when it came to you. It took me time cause I was always in a daze about our photobook. I was always under the impression of being high. I’ll stand my ground forever because I do not lie when I also say that… did you really have to go behind my back so often? I just blew. In sept. Cause I was tired of the energy I was around everyone was just so passive and the weird connotations of Indians being cheap.. when I told you that I don’t think it’s a race perspective with individuals I think it’s more so a human attitude or neuro issue ( TOTAL WINE DOORDASH RENTON ) that would give you a better understanding of my eyes and how I process it.. but yeah that made me uncomfortable I just couldn’t be anywhere near it anymore.. I felt it was forming me as well being judgemental and forming processes I didn’t want too.

when you scroll and then scroll through your … well now it’s gone due to update or cleaning out the trash.. the receipts still give you the true situation which was I never liked how you hid things from me and acted all nonchalant when it came to telling me about it being another obstacle or observation. I already knew. You wanted them in pocket so when things got hot you had something to keep you warm already. Something familiar. I just knew it. I just wanted you to hold yourself accountable now I gotta live like “ damn can you believe that? “ and the shit is even crazier cause watch and I’ll mark it. I will cross paths with you. At that concert. It’s what I told you what the fuck do I do? Do I act like we’re nobody? Do I even know your name anymore? Am I suppose to forget everything in the last several years. I am not gonna go out of my way to find you but god, they for sure have a way of putting me in bubbles..

why man why couldn’t you just tell me… why? Why do I have to find out from others why do I have to see it in person? Why… why can’t I just get away from my heart for a while.. my emotions man this shit is just another bubble I hate to chew.

I told you. It was going to be.

now I gotta act like I don’t …. You.

but I see you. I see you clearly.

did we really have to do this to each other?

is there really a “ “ ?

I think I’m good for now. I’ll come here again.. you don’t understand how much I meant it. If you did die, when we were. I never in my life would replace. Cause after you I would mourn you forever.

As I, do today. My emotions hold me captive and I seem to have lost the key. I’m wallowing in an ocean and it’s clear as we can see. I’m just happier I get to wake up and that’s just all I have to be.

I wanna give thanks, to whatever, whoever oversees and is over me. You know I am quite grateful and the gratitude is overflowing. I remember I used to wish for these things peace, comfort and safety. I would scour for years alone finding a pocket I could wrap in. My own blanket. I found a home. Aside from that I wanna thank the career and job I am. It’s bringing in a greater horizon for me and my peers that being my close family. The higher I go the wider my net is. I am forever in gratitude to my decisions and the destination I know is mine. A high hope. I will pass these fortunes to those I love and endorse. I understand wealth isn’t an apology but I hope it brings great fortune to one’s life.

I live in memories. It’s less of an obsession and just a minuet of depression, I know I tend to dabble in it. All of this is for me, but I know deep down I think it’s of you. I just wish to repay back time. Many more things along the lines but I see your happier, in familiar arms. Aside from this, what have I lied about?

I won’t sit here often right now. I came here to just breathe. I have not that much in my mind other than the exam and work. With you behind my eyes and a bit of replay. I’m heartbroken yeah. I said this back in 2021. Whether you were gone or above. I would never go away from you. I wanna go away. I just tend to do this to myself. I am aware. I guess acknowledging is the first step.

Everyone is moving again, the way things are going it’s developing nature. It’s the passing of time and well it’s for sure doing wonderful. It’s not hard to adapt but I’m bright about it. Slowly people will go back and nest in homelands. Foreign currencies and adjustments of the sort. I can’t wait to join them in solace and glory. Where we own a home, and the food is everything.

what am I not thankful for. This is a gift and I will forever be blessed and appreciate this. I always have. Yet I don’t speak a lot I am internally loud about it. I dream of more and live for it. I wish the best for everyone even when I am in the pickle or the short stick. What is there not to be happy of? Everything, every little thing is a gift to me. Breath, life, time, warmth, home, friends, family, existence, emotions, colors, sound, connections, and all more, more so this life. Life is grand.

I wish and here I go again. I wish I could share it.

Can I airdrop this? Will the bubbles be blue? I know I message a lot.

but I’m just in a rush, my emotions are a rush to me. I have to get it all out or… life isn’t life. I am breathing it and cycling through the world.

welp. Back to the main convo. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Whoever gives me way. Whether it be free will or destiny. I am in such gratitude to make it a home. Live and enjoying it. Thank you to me as well. I remember being so eager to be older. Now I’m older being eager to make more and give it all home.

I’m thankful for my gift of memory. Why? I myself don’t even understand the lengths of my mind. I memorized every photo my eyes take, the videos they save and it’s truly one of my greatest assets or treasures. From uno to now I can replay it. It’s… a blessing for sure.

well I think 30 is good so I’ll close it out with.

I can relive all of my memories with you. And never forget who you are. I could write books about you and never forget your scent.. it’s glossier and I can go buy a vial.. but I’d rather wait till I pass by you and have that rush come before me.. I await. For someone who doesn’t love me anymore. Someone I dream about, but they have nightmares of me. Someone whose color I love to see, but I’m just grayscale. Anyways.. I’ll try my best to not come here and sleep it off again.

‘next time’ right?

or the first ‘ I love you ‘ you slipped out before us.