Insimonia_Art

im so lonely

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I am feeling really lonely. I have been for quite some time now... most of my life i guess. ive always felt alone and ive always wanted to be with someone... i dont think ill tell anyone this... except maybe patty. im pretty tipsy but you know what they say, drunk words, sober thoughts. i feel so alone. i hate this... because no matter what i accomplish.. whether i fufill my dream to live as an artist and live independently from my parentsi can be the greatest artist alive... the best jiujitsu practitioner of all time. the greatest human being.... but i will still be alone. again ive done what ive dreaded.... got myself to a spot where i think, "oh hey, if i get to this level, then everything will be alright!!" but thats not true... because no matter what i do with my life... no matter how happy i can be with myself as a person... you cant run away from youre own two feet....being alone is something i cant avoid. for like 20 years of my life... i prefered being alone. i enjoyed my own company more than most ppls... but then... it became toxic. my mind became its own entity and began manipulating me. it took me going to therapy to see this. the other me i called him. i began to see his patterns which allwoed me to break free from them. i became my own man. i love my life. i am so happy... but im not. as much as i love the direction of my life is going... i cant runaway from the inevitable... that im going to be alone. i wish i could just.... idk... i just dont want to feel this anymore.... its been extra bad. i have no one to talk to but a cat and a piano... and they dont make the best conversation partners. i dont know what i expected. humans need humans. i know if i try and talk to edward and jeff and ted... theyd just tell me to be more social and stuff and reach out to ppl and stuff. i know that.. but thats not me. i dont feel comfortable talking to "friendly acquiantences." i hate coming home to an empty home... but i know thats what its going to be for a long time... maybe forever, who knows... at this rate, i wouldn't be surprised tbh. i dont know what it is... maybe its the other me coming back with a mask on. i hate this though... and what i hate most about it... is that im happy.... but im not. i just want someone to like me for who i am... not because im a classmate or i was pooped out of your vagina or that you feel sorry for me. i want someone to like me.. for me. and of course, ppl say... how can you expect someone to love you if you cant even love yourself? how can you trust someone when you dont trust yourself -Childish gambino... he knows whats up... or does he? what the fuck is happiness... i have no fucking clue becauise everytime i get close to it... it hurts. i want to take the initiative to get medicated.... i hate that but what choice do i have. i tried my best for a year and ive barely pushed outside my mind. why the fuck did i do that to myself... why... im in an even deeper hole now. fuck i hate everything so fucking much. im so distressed i dont know what to do.... im too scared to do anything so i just do what ive been doing.... improve myself as best as i can every day but gotdamn thats fo fucking hard when im alone all the time... subject to my own thoughts all the time... i had no idea itd be this bad buit what the fuck was i expecting.... i know myself this much at least.... i want to opunch a hole in the wall to symbolize my fustration... but thatd hurt and cost us our security deposit. man i dont know anymore. i just hate being alone... i said it i hate being alone all the time. sometimes is good obviously. but... alone with someone that cares about me and i care about them is obviously ideal... its what we all want... its what everyone gets it seems... except me no matter how hard i try. the one time i feel like its happening to me... of course the rug gets pulled under me and ive hurt my back from falling over it seems. or not i dont know i just decided that i hate being alone and im too afriad to do anything bout it. every attempt leaves me deeper in the hole it seems... hope is such a dangerous thing. i hate that word. i hate myself for believing it in every single time despite knowing how the outcome will turn out. am i insane??? isnt that the literal definition of insanity?!?! doing the same action over and over again, expecting different results.... i expect different results everytime... i expect myself to be genuinely happy and that is my fault. shit... i guess i just made a drunk mistake... idk but shit happens. doesnt matter what happens cuz i nkow where ill be... the hole wow so much progresss in like 10 months and its all slipping away from one drunk night. or not idk like im still happy with where i am and i love where im going with my life. im very excited for the future because i can do what i want to do for a living. but what kills me is thinking about how im actiually going to live. i thought about it and i hate to think about it... but i feel im going to be alone.... i said this a while ago but ill say this again. if everytime you tried to stand up, you fall and hurt your butt when you fall... youll eventually learn to not get back up. everytime i fall... i tell myself that when i get back up to my feet, things will be good. but they never are and i cant lie to myself like that anymore... i cant have hope like that anymore. i dont know what to do... i want to say that ill just live life like how i do... but idk how that is. to me.. life is separated by the good times and the bad times... during those moments, it seems like life freezes and nothing can change it. so i dont. usually shit happens on it own or i really push myself to get outside. idk its very scary knowing these thoughts linger deep in me even though im "happy"... i guess the other me is still alive and kicking. im getting tired. who knows what ill feel in the morning... garunteed regret of some sort. idk probably feel like shit cuz i have to wake up for a 9am on a saturday and i woke up at 5 cuz of stupid insomniac reasons. idk what i got out of this drunk sesh... except maybe that i do have someone that cares for me... somewhat. never in the way id hope... idk im going to be alone for a long time. i have to accept it. i have to accept it like how i accepted that id be terrible at drawing for a long time.... wait thats not true. i worked for it. i worked for 3 years to improve my drawing. i worked for 3 years to improve myself... and i am improving myself. one step at a time. this other me that im going to be facing... its going to take a long time for me to overcome him. tbh i might never overcome him... but that doesnt matter because hes me just as much as i am me. and i have to accept that... or just down a couple of ssri and kill him off for good hehe which now im actually considering as the final step to recovery. who knows... one thing for sure... is that tomorrow i have class at 9 am. and thats all the matters i guess. when im alone and hating myself.. at least im working on something that i do love and enjoy.... art

20 years into the sea And thus far nothing to see  2 decades into the sea And I’ve forgotten how to swim 20 years lost in the sea happy birthday to me

i think im going to take a break now... Until i start feeling better...