For the past several months, I've been drawing for the drawer, as they say. Taking photos too. Communication faded away so long ago that I can't even remember the last time I made a new acquaintance. Four years ago, maybe? No. Longer.
All my time goes into new works with increasingly absurd levels of detail. All my time goes into leaving traces in reality.
Communities have lost their appeal for me. I've lost the enthusiasm to support beginner artists. I've lost the strength, because I'm not infinite. I don't receive any nourishment, and when nothing comes in, there's nothing left to give away. Strong people who carry far too much alone eventually fall. They get back up later, of course, but that doesn't cancel out the crash or the bruises.
Constant tension wears you down.
Recently, for the first time in 35 years, I said: "I can't do this anymore." My body simply shut down for two days and has only now begun to recover. No one knows about it. For several weeks my body was falling apart, and I refused to admit it. Stupid upbringing wouldn't allow it. Society and my parents raised me to be a "superhuman soldier" with no right to rest.
But now I know the limit. The survival limit without rest is 35 years.
After that, I withdrew into even deeper isolation to recover. Or at least try to recover. But trouble found me there too. First, shelling and three hours of sleep. The next day, flooding from the neighbors and three hours of sleep again. Add five months without hot water. Add all the crap happening in the world. Add a war outside the window. Add the complete absence of concepts like "safety" and "help." There's only you and the world around you. The real one. The one we all love to hide from and pretend not to see.
But I've never known how to run away or hide. And certainly not how to close my eyes. Somehow, since childhood, life kept throwing me into the deepest parts of hell. I'd gladly cover my eyes with my hands and smile: "If I don't see it, then the problem doesn't exist. If I don't see it, then nothing is happening. If I don't see it, then everything is fine."
But I can't tolerate lies. Or self-deception. I've always endured the truth, no matter how terrible it was. Even when it breaks the body.
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