Iv purged myself of every social media account besides this one. Mostly because I’m tired of consuming content. Actually tired isn’t the word. Repulsed. It makes me hate myself that I can’t go a day without looking at this device that I’m essentially tethered to without someone trying to sell me something or watch something. I truly do think it makes me dumber. I don’t want any algorithm suggesting what I may like or what I should watch. I miss it here where I would read my friends blogs and see what they posted. Shit I actually wanted to see. Otherwise this was where I choose to share my own musings. I didn’t spend my formative years on the internet but in some ways I did become a grown up on the internet. I’m a YouTube kid. You had to type out what you wanted to watch, I don’t know,things were just more intentional. So I still have YouTube. Maybe I’ll share content on there again,I don’t know.
My shift the other night was the most difficult yet. I write this here to remember it because I forget things so easily. I lost my first patient that didn’t come in dead. He was very much alive and speaking to me the whole shift. At one point he was complaining of a runny nose and asked me to get him some tissues. The next minute he was clutching his chest and telling me he couldn’t breath. We coded him for over and hour. I couldn’t stay to tell his wife but I called her to come to the hospital. I had to leave to catch my plane, I’m visiting my brother. I was telling him what happened and he said “if I did what you did I’d be depressed all the time”. I’m not really sad I just wondered when my first one would be and here it is. Not even 6 months in. I’m just perplexed because i don’t even know what was wrong with him. Iv been going over the case again and again in my head. I think he had a massive heart attack. Only explanation I can think of. His echo didn’t show any sign of a PE. I woke up out of a dead sleep because I realized I forgot to document that I intubated him, so now I have to go fix that.
Also I’m triggered AF. I’m staying with my brother the next few days and it’s giving “this is a man’s house”. And yes Iv def been over men’s houses since my divorce but like Iv never slept over a man’s house since then. Last time was when I was with “he who must not be named” and when I tell you, everything here reminds me of his old apartment. From the neighborhood to the building to the knockdown walls to the card table with 2 chairs to the toiletries. Listen it’s not a bad apartment it’s just a bachelor man’s apartment. Like it’s a box with some furniture in it. Not a piece of art on the walls. Atleast there’s a bed. My ex didn’t have a bed. When I got married this man brought me home to a mattress on the floor (internally screaming). Omg memory unlocked. Wow. I was such a nice patient girly back then lmfao. Let’s just say it’s bringing being back a lot of memories and I’m not entirely loving it.
