🗡️aahana ✰ ✧˖°..｡

1… 2… 3… Breathe.

Slow and steady.

Be normal. Be cool. Stop overthinking, she told herself. Normal was subjective anyway, and she had never been particularly good at it. 

Again, she tried to unfasten the earring, but her metal fingertips, combined with her nerves actively staging a coup and the champagne still lingering in her system, made the simple task far more difficult than it should have been. Cinder had never been much of a drinker, but every time she'd emptied one glass, Thorne had somehow appeared with another, waggling his stupid eyebrows. Not that she'd exactly put up much of a fight. Deep down, a part of her hoped the intoxication would help make the rest of the night easier. 

Now she wasn’t sure if it had helped at all.

A soft kiss brushed against her throat. Cinder froze. Then he added another. And another. Slowly, Kai trailed kisses up her neck, pressing against her skin until he reached her jaw. Her knees threatened to buckle, but his hold steadied at her waist, one hand sliding to her arm to keep her upright.

“Kai…” she choked out, catching his wrists and pulling him back with whatever remaining dignity she had left.

He paused just long enough for her heartbeat to catch up with her. At last, Kai leaned in close, his voice warm against her ear. “Do you need help?” 

Cinder forgot, for one spectacularly embarrassing second, that she was still wrestling with the piece of jewelry. Her traitorous brain had supplied several other interpretations before finally landing on the correct one. The earring. 

A quick rasp of her throat did little to steady her pulse before her eyes flew to the mirror, catching their reflection in full wedding finery. The gown tugged and clung at her hips, chest, and shoulders. It was a suffocating weight compared to the easy familiarity of grease-stained cargo pants. Layers of fabric and embroidery draped over metal limbs that, at one point, she’d spent every waking hour to hide. The woman in the mirror looked every bit the Empress the Eastern Commonwealth had imagined. 

She still wasn’t entirely convinced they had the right person. Years ago, she would’ve laughed if someone had told her metal and silk could belong together. But tonight, against all reason, they almost did. Almost.

When he caught her gaze in the mirror, a small smirk played at his lips as if he knew what he was doing. As if he knew how easily he could unravel her. She stared back. One second. Two. Then she’d lost count. Long enough to forget that he had asked her a question at all.

Real smooth.

“Yes,” she croaked at last, dragging her tongue across her dry lips in a futile attempt to ground herself. The single word came out far more breathless than she’d intended.

Warm hands slipped around her waist as Kai rested his chin against her shoulder. It was honestly irritating how composed he looked. She knew him well enough to know it was mostly an act, but that didn’t make it any less unfair. Meanwhile, her interface was still politely reminding her of her elevated heart rate.

Kai’s smile deepened. “Need help with the earring,” he clarified, amusement threading through his voice.

Heat climbed her neck. A useless physical reaction, considering her face wasn’t exactly capable of giving her away. She hated that her body continued to have opinions about things.  “...You knew what I meant.”

One eyebrow lifted. “Did I?”

She narrowed her eyes. “You’re enjoying this far too much.”

“Maybe a little,” he admitted. 

“Jackass.”

“You know, you’re very cute when you’re trying to convince me you’re not flustered.” He grinned, entirely unrepentant.

She crossed her arms. It was getting too hot in this room. “I am not flustered." Her interface chose that exact moment to flash: 

ADRENAL RESPONSE ELEVATED.

STRESS INDICATORS ABOVE BASELINE.

RECOMMENDED COURSE OF ACTION: SLOW, MEASURED BREATHS. BEGIN COUNTING: 1, 2, 3…

Not again. 

She dismissed it before Kai could notice. Or so she thought. 

The corner of his mouth twitched. He covered it with one hand, which would have been more convincing if his shoulders weren’t shaking by the laughter escaping through his fingers.

“...Don’t say a word.”

Kai lifted his hands in surrender. “I wasn’t going to.”

A flash of orange crossed her vision. “Liar.”

Kai let out a boyish chuckle that made it impossible to stay annoyed with him before reaching up to gently unfasten the earrings as she turned to face him. But her gaze stayed fixed on the mirror in what was now their bathroom.

Emperor and Empress. Husband and Wife. 

His brows pinched together as he worked at the clasp, careful not to catch her skin. The sight of them—an emperor painstakingly removing her earrings at the end of their wedding night—felt incredibly unreal. A cyborg girl married to an emperor. Not just any emperor. Kai. Her Kai.

“For the record, I can’t actually see what your retina is saying.”  

Cinder relaxed for a moment. Just a little.

“But your face does this thing—”

She immediately regretted relaxing. 

“Ow!” she gasped all of a sudden, interrupting his little speech.

Kai halted. “Shit. Sorry, sorry. Did that hurt? I’m sorry.” Before she could answer, he started blowing against her ear.

A very unlady-like snort escaped before she could stop it. “Why the fuck are you blowing on my ear? It’s not on fire!”

“Wow. Stars forbid I try to take care of my wife.” He rolled his eyes, reaching for the other earring. “But that’s how I know,” he continued. “The little things.”

Cinder stilled.

“The way your fingers twitch when you’re nervous. The way you bite your lip when you’re trying not to say something. The way you pretend you’re completely fine when you’re very obviously not.”

Silence.

She had spent years learning how to hide. Learning how to make herself smaller. Easier to overlook. Easier not to question. Somehow, Kai had done the opposite. He had spent years learning how to find her. “You notice me that much?”

His expression softened.  “Always.”

The word settled somewhere deeper than she expected. Her eyes wandered, suddenly unable to meet his. She focused on anything else—the lavish, comically oversized bathtub, the candles flickering around the room, the neatly arranged soaps she had no idea how to use without feeling like she was wasting them. Anything but him. “What else do you notice?”

Setting the earrings aside on the bathroom counter, Kai turned back to her, brushing his thumb over her lower lip as he forced her to meet his eyes.

“I noticed that you spent the entire day pretending you weren't overwhelmed, and somehow still managed to be incredible and—”

Cinder raised an eyebrow this time. “There’s an and?”

“And badass.” His mouth found the curve of her neck. He loved that damn neck didn’t he?

“And hot.” Another kiss, this one grazing her jaw.

He paused then, looking up at her—really looking—and leaned in close enough that her breath caught. Close enough that if he didn’t close the gap soon, her entire system might shut down in protest.

“And,” he murmured, “not to mention incredibly sexy. Though I’m fairly certain you already know that.”

“I absolutely do not,” she mumbled, because apparently arguing with the man who had just spent five minutes telling her how beautiful she was was easier than accepting the compliment.

Kai hummed, the sound full of amusement. “You should.”

Finally—finally—their lips met.

The kiss was fast, urgent, nothing like their usual tender, unhurried ones. Her hands tangled in his hair; his found her waist. It felt like everything they hadn’t said, every moment apart, every almost, poured into that single breathless instant. A sound slipped free—hers, his, she couldn’t tell. He guided her back against the counter, one hand steady at her waist, careful of the layers of fabric around her feet.

Both were breathless by the time they pulled apart. Kai’s carefully styled hair stuck out at odd angles now, and Cinder could already feel the relief of loosened pins at her scalp. He looked at her like he was staring at a night sky full of stars instead of standing inches away. It was ridiculous. Impossible. But sort of… adorable.

“You look like a real Empress, Cinder.”

“Pffft.”  She shook her head. “You’re just saying that.”

“No,” he assured. “I’m not.”

She looked away first, releasing a deep breath. Her hands trembled, and she curled them into fists, hoping Kai hadn’t noticed. Which was stupid; he’d made it clear that he always noticed.

The wedding. The ceremonies. The coronation. The endless pairs of eyes watching her every move. It had all been chaotic and unnerving. Now that it was finally over, all she wanted was to be on her honeymoon in Europe with Kai, tucked away in some serene cottage where the loudest thing around them was the wind through the trees.

“Um, Cinder—”

She blinked, dragged back to the present. Kai ran a hand through his hair, suddenly looking almost sheepish.

“I, uh... need to pee.”

Her brain caught up a second later. 

“Right.” She stumbled over the discarded heels by the counter, catching herself against the doorframe before Kai could blink. “I’ll just—” she pointed vaguely behind her with her thumb. “Yeah.”

Then she slipped out, pulling the door shut behind her. Biting the inside of her cheek, Cinder made her way toward the balcony, desperate for fresh air. 

She braced herself against the rail, dropping her head into her hands. The cool metal of her cyborg palm pressed against her temple, sending chills through her body. The cool night air should have calmed her, but all she could feel were the places Kai had touched—her waist, her throat, the line of her jaw—each one still burning against her skin. The way he had looked at her like she was something worth admiring. She wanted to stop hesitating and just let herself have this. 

But—  

Cinder cut the thought off before it could finish.

Sighing, she turned up the music in her interface. Maybe some loud, moody rock could drown out the thoughts she was determined not to have.

Probably not, but it was worth a try.

Fireworks burst over the palace gardens, bright enough to paint the city gold. Somewhere below, crowds cheered for the new royal couple.

Her fingers drifted to the edge of her bodice, tracing where silk covered scarred skin that stretched much, much deeper and twisted. Logically, she knew Kai wouldn’t love her any less when he saw them. 

But logic had never been particularly good at fighting old memories.

The same fear that sat heavy in her chest now had been present years ago—the first time Adri had bathed her after arriving in the Eastern Commonwealth. Back when Cinder was still learning how to walk with her new leg, and still struggling to recognize the girl staring back at her in the mirror.

Adri had looked at her scars and then she had looked at Cinder.

“Ugly.”

The word had stuck.

“No guy will want a girl with scars.”

Cinder swallowed, the memory sharper than she expected. She hadn't realized how much those words had affected her until now.

Kai had already seen her naked in so many ways that didn’t involve taking off her clothes. He knew every ugly memory she carried—the nursery where she nearly burned to death, Adri, the bunker where her life changed forever. He knew the fears she rarely admitted even to herself. 

He knew her.

But not this.

Not the parts of herself she had spent years hiding.

It wasn’t intimacy or sex that frightened her. They had talked about that before—briefly at first, then more seriously, despite the awkwardness between two people who had never been normal about anything. It was what came before. Standing in front of him with nowhere left to hide. 

The balcony door slid open behind her. Footsteps crossed the stone before stopping beside her. She muted the music.

“You know,” Kai said, “most people wait until after the honeymoon to start running away.”

Cinder turned, bracing her back against the railing. “What? Did you think I’d just casually throw myself over the balcony and miraculously survive fifty feet?”

Kai leaned forward on the rail beside her. “Well,” he breathed, crossing one arm over the other, “it wouldn’t be the first time.”

A brief laugh slipped out of both of them. Some of the tightness in her chest eased. 

“Cin—” he started, then stopped, like he was trying to piece the words carefully together. 

That alone made her glance over. Kai never struggled for words. Not with speeches, not with diplomacy, not with charming entire rooms full of people.

But with her, sometimes he did.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight. Not because it’s our wedding night. Not because people expect something from us. Not because anyone is waiting for us to prove anything. I mean—” He huffed out a nervous breath, his fingers tapping nervously against the railing. “I’m nervous too, okay? Probably more nervous than I should admit, considering I’m the emperor and all, but—”

Before he could keep going, Cinder grabbed him by the collar and kissed his lips. It was short, a little more than a peck—just enough to stop him from spiraling. When she pulled away, she confessed, “You were talking too much.”

A small smile pressed Kai’s lips, but the worry stayed in his eyes.

“Look, Kai. It’s not...” The words refused to come. Deciding against them altogether, she took his hand and placed it over her bodice.

His expression shifted immediately, his breath catching.

“The scars here are darker,” she said at last. “The skin is rougher than the rest. Skin grafts only do so much.” 

Her fingers tightened over his. “When I was younger, I used to pick at them without realizing it. Sometimes until they hurt. I don't do that anymore,” she added quickly. “I swear. It just... sometimes it still aches when I move the wrong way.”  

His jaw tightened, his eyes shining.

She moved his hand lower, toward her thigh, biting her lip hard enough to sting. Under different circumstances, she was fairly certain this would have been considered some sort of sexy gesture. This wasn't exactly how most people imagined spending their wedding night.

Somehow, that made her feel worse. A headache was already starting to bloom behind her eyes.

“That’s where it's the worst,” she admitted quietly. “Sometimes I can’t even look at it.”

Kai caught her wrist before she could move his hand any farther, turning beneath hers until he was holding it instead.

She froze.

“You keep talking about them like they’re something I should be afraid of.”

“Maybe you should be.”

“Cinder.”

The way he said her name made her look at him.

“I’ve been afraid for you.” His thumb brushed over her knuckles. “ Never of you.”

Neither of them moved for a couple heartbeats. Cinder wasn't sure what she expected to see on his face.

Discomfort?

Hesitation?

Something. Anything.

But there was only Kai.

Then he pulled her into a tight hug.

She hesitated only for a second before melting into him completely. Warm arms wrapped around her, and he buried kisses into her hair. For once, she was thankful for her inability to cry. She didn’t think she could handle being more vulnerable than she already was.

His arms loosened slightly, but he didn’t let go.

“Can I see?” he asked, barely above a murmur.

Cinder nodded against his shoulder.

When she pulled back, she took his hand and wordlessly led him back into their room. The moment they stepped inside, the blinds automatically slid shut. She turned her back to him, lifting a hand to the fastenings at her spine.

“Can you help me?”

“Of course.”

With each clasp he carefully released, her heartbeat climbed higher, thudding loud in her ears. Just as he finished, she held the bodice of the gown for a moment. 

One last instinct to cover herself.

One last chance to change her mind. 

But she didn’t.

She let the dress fall. It pooled around her feet, leaving her in her undergarments. After a long moment, she stepped out of the dress and turned back toward him.

Kai exhaled, his eyes moving over her—not with surprise, nor uncertainty, but with the quiet awe he always seemed to have when he looked at her. He stepped forward, taking her hands. His voice morphed into something lighter. Teasing, almost.

“Selene Channary Jannali Blackburn,” he murmured near her ear, “did you know your name basically means moon, moon, moon?”

Her interface immediately filled her vision without permission. 

Selene — Greek origin; lunar goddess of the moon… Channary — Khmer origin; “moon,” “full moon”… Jannali — Aboriginal origin; “place of the moon”…

“I see that now,” Cinder said, letting out a breathless chuckle as she dismissed the display. “How do you even know that?” she questioned, not knowing where he was going with this.

Kai shrugged, taking on a bashful look. “When your fiancée is literally living on the moon, a man gets curious and does some research.”

“What are you even saying?” Cinder replied, but there was a real laugh in her voice now.

“It seemed romantic when I was thinking it.”

Relief flickered across Kai’s features when he saw the tension leave her face. His hands rose slowly, giving her time to move away if she wanted, before settling on her face. His thumbs brushed her cheekbones.

“So,” he whispered, “I guess that makes you my moon.”

Cinder blinked at him then scoffed. “That’s painfully cheesy.” The annoying thing was that her entire nervous system seemed to disagree.

“And yet you’re smiling.”

This time, she didn't bother hiding it. “I am.”

He moved away just enough to press a kiss against the scar on her chest—the one left behind by Levana's knife. Then another along her collarbone, lingering there for a second longer. Cinder’s breath stuttered in her throat—not from pain, but from the strange sensation of being touched like this. Because, for once, someone was touching the parts of her she hated most and seeing something other than damage. Maybe, if she stared long enough through his eyes, she could learn to see it too.

“Like…” Kai's voice was quiet. “the moon belongs in the sky. And I kind of forgot what the world looked like before you were in it.”

His voice dropped.

“My moon…” He hesitated as he knelt in front of her.

Then, softer, “Can I?”

Cinder’s breath caught. “Yes.” Her voice barely held.

Kai moved carefully down to her left thigh, to the scarred flesh just above the metal. He handled her as though she were something precious, and it made her chest ache with an emotion she couldn’t quite name. Then he pressed a kiss above one scar. And another. They were slow and unhurried, as though time itself had ceased to matter.

“—what I’m also trying to say is that even the moon is marked with craters.”

"I love you," she whispered.

"I know," Kai said, smiling. He rose to his feet and pulled her effortlessly into his arms. Instinctively, her legs wrapped around his waist as her arms slid around his neck.

“Show-off,” she muttered. Cinder kissed him before he could come up with another smug response.

fin.

A/N: Boooo, how did she manage to make freakder sad? And no, this has absolutely nothing to do with the “My moon, my man” trend. This fic had been sitting in my drafts long before that ever became a thing. If you know me, you know my fics somehow always end up tied to a song. This one was inspired by Lovesong by The Cure.

A huge thank you to @gingerale2017 for beta reading this fic!!! She's genuinely incredible and somehow always knows exactly how to make a scene better 💗

If you haven't checked out her tlc college AU yet, please do yourself a favour and give it a read! She updates every Tuesday, and it's genuinely one of my favorite fics in the fandom right now. Peak cinema. I've linked the masterlist here ;)