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[ ꜱᴋᴢ ꜱᴜʀᴠɪᴠᴀʟ ꜱʜᴏᴡ: ᴇᴘ.5 ]

> I’m sorry that there's not much I can do for you, other than staying by your side

In the fifth episode of JYP Entertainment and Mnet’s, 2017 reality show Stray Kids (스트레이 키즈), the members come to grasps with Minho’s elimination and they are given a special vacation in Gangneung.

“My socks are wet.” Jegongin whines, glaring down at the footwell of his seat, where his leather sneakers are dry but the white fabric of his socks were soaked. “I brought spares.” Sunhee offers, digging them out of her bag- above ankle white socks with little pink bows on the top. Jeongin looks between the pair of socks in her hand and his own feet. He sighs, like it physically pains him to take them from her palm. “Thank you noona.”

[ ep. 4 ] [ ep. 6 (coming soon) ] [ sunhee’s masterlist ]

( wc; 9.5k ) ( content warnings: mentions of unhealthy eating habits/dieting ) ( format; english in italics )

a note from ink: hahaha, so this one got a little chunky. fun fact, episode five is still Minho's elimination for the first half of the hour-long episode, so this is actually half an episode worth of writing. I may have gone overboard… there's a lot of off camera scenes and a real deep dive into some of the members' emotions post-minho's elimination. So be prepared for some thick emotional paragraphs!

Sunhee gets two whole weeks to stew on how much she hates MNet.

Two weeks where they made Minho move out of the dorm after only being there for sixteen days. Where they were made to celebrate Jisung and Felix’s birthdays, in a practice room in front of cameras instead of with the rest of their friends, just the eight of them. No Minho, no Chaeryeong, no other trainees that should have been there. MNet buys them a cake they aren’t allowed to eat and has them pose in front of cameras. They scold the three Aussies for speaking English and make them drink coke the whole time.

The only thing that makes the birthday redeemable is that for his birthday, Jisung’s parents sent him a nice hefty bank transfer to go out for dinner with his friends. They piled into the little restaurant two blocks over from the company building, in one of the semi basements tucked between a convenience store and a legal advice office.

Sunhee drags Lily, Chaeryeong and Yeji out of the girls' dorms. Lily has a tin of Milo for Felix and a plushie keychain of a quokka for Jisung- spoils of war she claims them as, having been home to Australia a month ago. She grins, metal braces glinting in the restaurant's low lighting as they boys thank her.

Minho comes, sits with them as they try not to talk about the show. Ilsung arrives eventually, late after his vocal lesson and he looks at the nine of them sadly, settles in next to Minho and the pair of them chatter about the dance practice they’d done that day- two trainees meant for their group forced to watch on from the outside. Ilsung had chosen to leave though; he'd seen the risk of losing his career and decided to wait, for a more steady, firm chance.

Eunhae is the last one, off the train and straight from cram school and still in her uniform. She’d moved back in with her parents after leaving the company. A two hour trip from Chuncheon to Seoul where Hyunjin had collected her at the train station. She grins at Sunhee, flings herself into her arms when they make it through the door. “Unnie! I’m so happy to see you!”

She’s brought her English homework, lays it out on the table between bowls of ramyeon and side dishes, lets Sunhee and Lilly correct her grammar between mouthfuls of sticky rice.

Minju and Hana hadn’t come- didn’t reply to the messages sent by Jisung and he’d been a little bit stung by a year and a half of friendship with the two girls down the drain just because they weren’t trainees anymore.

Yet, the table feels full.

Mr Choi, the man who ran the restaurant- and insisted on being referred to casually as samchon, a friendly term like uncle, by the lot of them- kept their water topped up and had his son, a couple of years younger than their maknaes, bring over side dishes that were suspiciously left off the bill.

He takes their photo, it gets sent to Jisung’s parents with a very enthusiastic ‘thank you for the meal’ audio note from them all that peaked the mic enough to damage any speaker system.

It feels right, to have them all together again. Like something tangible Sunhee can finally hold onto. Even if some of them aren’t on the same path anymore, and the fact Lily, Yeji and Chaeryeong had a long wait ahead of them before debut, it was still good. It felt right.

They sneak Eunhae into the dorms, huddled in the middle of them with Jeongin’s big coat and a mask on as they all crowd into the lobby and past the sleeping dorm managers. She giggles when they say bye on the second floor, giddy at the prospect of spending a night at the girls' dorms after a few months away. It feels kind of like espionage- like those stories kids at school tell about sneaking out or slipping something past their parents, giddy with mischief.

Minho and Ilsung bid them goodbye in the stairwell, heading further up to the boys dorm on the fifth floor as the eight of them watched, a little somber after such a good night where it all felt like they were together again.

But all in all, it has the eight of them in a little bit of a better mood.

Still not thrilled by their line up in the practice room mirror, but it’s better than the week before. The cameras feel like threats, looming over them and lingering on the shape of their lips as they whisper to each other, words that weren’t camera friendly and discussions of the rest of their day, when they’d managed to escape the company with playful bets made on before or after midnight, wandering questionable gummies found in the dredges of Jisung’s bag.

The bet is called a draw though, when staff reveal why they’re filming. MNet’s solution for the emotional manipulation they’ve decided to put a handful of teenagers through, is a holiday.

Sunhee isn’t really thrilled by the idea of it. They spent all this time telling them they have to work hard or risk elimination and now they’re sending them away for a day? Yeah she’s kind of pissed.

Still, she bites her tongue. Climbs into the van, sits beside an equally uninterested Seungmin and sings when they hand her the damn karaoke microphone. They’re specifically asked to sing their own songs- the ones they’ve been making for the show and sunhee is very disappointed she’s not allowed to belt out a twice retention with Felix.

It takes about two hours, by the end of which, she had a budding headache and the sense that something will go wrong.

But they arrive at the ocean.

Honestly, Sunhee didn’t even know where Gangneung was. It rang some bells, the next winter olympics was being hosted there the following year, but she had no idea it was sea-side. She’s not really been anywhere outside of Seoul since moving (save for that one Osaka trip), so it’s been a long time since she’s stood on a beach.

Nearly three years actually.

She’d lived on the Queensland coast, a fifteen minute drive from her family’s farm to the nearest beach. Sunhee had grown up with the waves at her feet and sand scratching against her skin.

“Is that a beach?” She perks up, staring out the window.

The weather is horrid. Wind blowing like a cyclone and rain threatening to spill, spits of water dropping down from the sky every few minutes.

Staff hand out umbrellas and let the eight of them pour onto the sand. Sunhee was the only one who’d forgone jeans, so she took off her shoes and stuffed her socks inside, leaving them on the sand to stand in the waves as the wind swished her skirt around. Her outfit’s a little monochrome, checked skirt that reaches a bit above the knee, white t-shirt and black jacket that wasn’t hers, it’s got buttons and a hood, white writing scrawled across it in a grungy style. She’s pretty sure it belonged to Jisung but Sunhee had found it strewn over the back of the couch that morning. So she couldn't be sure.

The water crashes around her, reaching mid calf, in angry bursts that have the members running around like headless chickens- Jeongin screaches at a pitch that is proabaly reserved for only dogs to hear when his shoes get drenched by a rouge wave. She can’t help the laughter that starts to tumble out at their antics. As much as it annoys her that MNet’s stupid little holiday is actually somewhat enjoyable so far, it is nice to see everyone so carefree.

Not working themselves to the bone and slowly driving their bodies to the brink with exhaustion, anxiety and insecurity. Not worrying about being seen slacking in the practice rooms, hiding away from the security cameras, tucked into bathrooms, the only blindsports, for a moment to themselves.

Sunhee stands in the surf, back to the ocean and hands tucked into the pockets of the baggy jacket as Chan uses a stick to etch lines into the sand. “I don’t think MNet will like it if you draw a ‘you-know-what’.”

He glances up at her, grin catching like it was contagious. Sunhee feels it spread across her own features, edges of her vision folding in as her eyes squint with the smile.

Chan laughs, soft and surprised. “Don’t think I can get away with that while they’ve got a drone.”

He jutted his head up a little, and yeah, there was a drone mounted camera. Bobbing around overhead. He’s written their group name, all sharp edges like the logo he’d made.

Sunhee wonders how long it will take the outgoing tide to return and scrub it from the beach, maybe the rain would get there first.

Eventually, staff corral them back towards the van. Seungmin carries Sunhee on his back, all the way to the pavement so she doesn't get sand in her socks. It’s a sort of princess treatment that she hardly receives from him, but Sunhee takes it anyway. He’s been extra nice to all of them lately- not that he wasn’t nice before, but now he’s a little more touchy about it, like he’s trying to repay her for comforting him the week before. Or make the most of the time he has with them, like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.

A piggy back is a new level though. Sunhee’s not exactly heavy, she’s the second lightest out of them all- save for Changbin. But then again, Seungmin isn’t exactly strong. He’s struggling a little bit by the time they reach the pavement.

“You’re spoiling her.” Changbin declares when Sunhee’s pulling her shoes back on, Seungmin is still standing beside her, with Sunhee’s hand on his shoulder for balance.

“Jelousy doesn't look good on you hyung.” Seungmin replies flatly.

Their next stop was a market, with street food and grocers galore.

Giant vats of oil, frying batches of chicken that look like enough to feed an army, plates piled up with crumbed vegetables and marinated meats- and they’ve got MNet’s card.

Sticky sweet and sour chicken is their first purchase. The lady who’s running the stall, who looks about mid fifties, smiles kindly and gives them each a taste test. Toothpicks speared through chicken pieces that had them all buzzing. Staff usher the rest of them further down and Sunhee stays to buy a large serving for them to share.

Sunhee tells the lady they’re on a survival show when she asks about what they were filming. “Oh– is it that new one? With YG, Something Nine.”

MixNine hadn’t started airing yet but there was a lot of buzz online about it- the spin on Produce 101 style shows where all different companies sent in trainees but had the girls go up against the boys. Ryujin’s been driving herself mad practicing her audition performance that’s scheduled in for three weeks’ time. Apparently, the company had wanted Sunhee to audition as well but she’d stuck with the project team, throwing a wrench into their plans.

Sunhee teaches the nice lady how to pronounce the name ‘Stray Kids’ and then the lady detours to talking about her grandson. “He’s your age and he loves twice! You two would get along. He’s very handsome.”

Thankfully, staff intervene before the women can try set Sunhee up on a date and she reunites with the members to gorge themselves on chicken. It’s Felix's first proper experience with honest to god Korean street food. He’s only been in the country for eight months and the company’s had him on a pretty firm diet, trying to shake that adorable baby fat from his cheeks, not to mention they’ve all been too busy for social outings to markets like the one MNet has planned for them.

Changbin and Seungmin had found enough food for dinner, a couple of heavy looking bags hanging from each of their hands- Sunhee sees a lot of meat and plenty of vegetables though the plastic.

It all goes into cooler bags in the van and staff herd them off to the next location before they can scoff down anymore deep fried or cheese drenched food.

She thinks, mournfully, on the short drive that it was criminal of them to do all this, to send them on a trip like this when it was Minho who would have enjoyed it most.

He always loved camping; he’d been a few times with his high school friends. Sunhee and him talked about going together once. She’d grown up with weekend camping trips around the Queensland coast with her mum and younger brother, it would be fun to do it again with Minho, they’d thought about trying it during their next break weekend- all trainees got one every three months- but the survival show had come first and now he wasn’t part of it.

Sunhee wasn’t even sure if they’d be given their next break when they were supposed to have it and if she made it to debut, chances are she wouldn’t get a break in a long while.

All in all, it’s a little demoralising, enough so that she struggles to pull faux enjoyment onto her face as they pull up to the next location and pile out of the van.

Sunhee discovers at the ripe age of eighteen, that she is remarkably shit at ice skating.

Honestly, she’d expected better of herself. As a dancer and an ex-gymnast, she had fairly decent balance, except, she just couldn’t figure out this whole ‘skating’ part.

She was fine, standing on the ice, kept her balance and stayed steady but everytime she tried to move forwards, copying the moment of the members, her feet would drift and she’d end up half in the splits before tipping forwards or straight back onto her arse.

Hwang Hyunjin is finding it very funny.

She glares at him from where she’s stuck as he skates slow loops around her. Sunhee can take a little bit of ribbing, doesn't mind being the but of the joke from time to time, but Hyunjin is being a dick.

Every time she’s ended up on her arse, struggling to get back on her feet, someone else, namely Changbin who’s hovering about, will come over and check on her maybe even help her up, all while Hyunjin cackles.

She sort of wants to tell him to fuck off but he’s not good enough with the nuances of english yet to really know what that means- besides, there’s cameras rolling and they’re not supposed to curse.

“Wow, you really suck at this.” He snorts, watching with smug amusement.

Fuck, she hates how cocky he is sometimes.

It’s the part that always loops back to Han Jisung. The pair of them fought like stray cats, squabbling over territory and egos.

Sunhee knows that part of it is Jisung’s twisted idea of defending her honour. The pair of them had never gotten along but at some point between the petty fights over Hyunjin earning his spot at the company due to his pretty face and Jisung's insistence to go into every monthly evaluation blind and pull a freestyle rap out of his arse, there had been one conversation that set the flimsy excuse of a truce they'd made, on fire.

Do we seriously need girls in the team?

It’s only because Changbin told her that she even knows that’s what ruined the already paper thin patience between the two of them. Jisung didn’t want to tell her that he had been beefing with Hyunjin for a solid six months over the fact he’d doubted the necessity of debuting as a co-ed group.

She wonders what he would say now, when it’s just her. When they lost a guy who really deserved to be there and kept Sunhee. She purses her lips.

Teenage boys were dumb, they had egos the size of trucks and an emotional intelligence range that could only be seen via a microscope. Sunhee knew this, so she tried to not let it get to her that sometimes, Hyunjin could be worse than usual.

Still. She sort of wants to punch him. He’s known her long enough- Hyunjin should know the signs of when she’s sick of a joke, when it's run its course. “Yah, Hwang Hyunjin. Be a good hoobae and get noona a penguin.”

She bites at him, standing up straight and looking down the line of her nose. It’s playful enough to be seen as teasing but from the way Hyunjin swallows she can tell he understood what it really was. A reminder wrapped up in a demand, to make sure he remembered that there’s a hierarchy and in every way possible, he’s below her. Sunhee is not only a year older than him, she’s also a sunbae- she’s been training for three damn years, she taught him half of what he knows about dancing and he better respect her. Even if she's dog-shit at ice skating.

“Yes, Seonbae-nim.” He replied quickly, not quite stiff, but perhaps a little on edge, returning a few minutes later and finally breaking that two or three metre barrier he’d been keeping to deliver the skating aid to Sunhee.

The penguin makes it a little easier, a three foot tall plastic penguin with handle bars. She can put her weight on the handles and push her feet out to build momentum.

She collects Jeongins from the edges at one point, since he’s also appalling at skating and the pair of them take turns with the penguin.

Devastatingly, when it’s declared time for a relay race, they aren’t allowed to keep the penguin.

Teams are decided by picking the two best skaters- Jisung and Hyunjin- as team captains, who then play rock paper scissors to pick the rest of them.

“I’ll be fine as long as Sunhee’s not on my team.” Changbin giggles as Sunhee turns her head slowly to side eye him.

He’s shit out of luck though because he is Jisung’s first pick and Sunhee is his second. They acquired Jeongin because the maknae had been left for last.

So the teams are decided and it looks to be Hyunjin’s team of four somewhat competent skaters against Jisung’s team of two proficient skaters and two reincarnations of bambi. A done deal then. Oh well, Sunhee’s sure the penalty won’t be that bad for losing.

They start the relay with the team captains and while Jisung gets a faster start, Hyunjin catches up and they reach the second racers about the same time.

Sunhee and Chan are decidedly… slower. It’s almost comical, the immediate switch up from the speed and recklessness of Jisung and Hyunjin to the slow unsteady foot work of the two most experienced trainees. Honestly, it’s more like waddling than anything. When Seungmin starts heckling them, Sunhee tries to defend herself without losing balance, barely managing it. “Hey- there’s no ice rinks where I’m from!”

Chan’s failing to gain traction, even with Felix as his own little cheerleader following him around the circle of cones, cheering the same chat that Sunhee used to hear at school athletic carnivals. “Let’s go Chr-ris, let’s go.”

So Sunhee makes it back first. Not by much, but still.

Jeongin manages to spin out like a race car though, doing a couple of slow loops on his skates that gives Seungmin ample time to catch up and overtake him.

“Jeongin-ah, take your time, it's okay!” Changbin calls out to quell the uneasy expression on their maknae’s face.

When Seungmin almost crashes into Felix’s back, their team has a half lap lead and Felix takes that as a hint to just treat his turn as a victory lap. He cruises around dabbing at every camera he passes.

Chanbin’s good at skating though, he’s been multiple times and actually almost beat out Hyunjin and Jisung for the captain titles when they were deciding earlier, so he catches up fast, scaring the shit out of Felix who flinches so hard at the jumpscare he almost topples over.

The pair of them reach the finish line at relatively the same time, Jiisung and Hyunjin cheer- both thinking their teams have won- completely forgetting that the captains were supposed to do a second lap. Hyunjin gets going first but he’s unsteady and panicked. Jisung sails past him and takes the win for their team.

It’s honestly a miracle.

Sunhee is a little speechless, clapping her hand against Jeongin’s when he holds it out for a half embrace. “Did we actually win? That’s crazy.”

“I know.” He laughs, high-pitched and crackly in surprise. “Noona, you beat Channie-hyung in a sport.”

“Oh my god, I did.”

She immediately rubs it in his face.

Chan takes it, like he always does, not spitting back anything but doing that thing where he runs his tongue along the inside of his lower lip, like he’s holding back something he can’t say on camera. He raises an eyebrow and tells her, “You think you’ll win next time?”

Probably not. Sunhee’s sporty, decently coordinated but Chan’s about as athletic as people come, he’s thrashed her in pretty much every sport or game they’ve played and her competitive spirit has learnt to treat him as the exception. Granted she’s beaten him a few times- simple things like sneaking a goal past him in soccer or the odd race- but it happens rarely enough for it to be worth celebrating.

Turns out there is no penalty for the losing team, but rather punishment for all of them when they’re dragged off the ice and into the seats around it to film some product placement for coca cola. Sunhee’s still not the biggest fan of coke, but she drinks it anyway, swaps her can with Felix’s empty one between takes so she doesn't have to swallow anymore of the battery acid flavoured drink.

It’s not really camping, closer to what Sunhee’s mother would call ‘glamping’. There’s a big dome type structure, with a metal frame covered in canvas and actual glass sliding doors that roll smoother than the ones in their dorm.

There’s two actual beds- one double one single- but the eight of them weren’t staying the night. A bit fucking stupid she thinks, to rent out a whole campsite for two hours. They could have just gone to a park or something and used the public grills there.

Still, it’s all about the illusion of a holiday, she supposed. They had to make it look like trainees weren’t overworked, and weren't put under such intense emotional stress. Because once this was over, once they’ve had their dinner and watched the stupid video MNet has queued up for them, they’re getting back in the van, right back to Seoul, dropped off at the company rather than their dorms. A rather strong suggestion to keep practicing.

Even if they won’t be assigned their new mission until tomorrow, there’s always more training to be done.

The air has started to chill, it’s edging into winter nowadays and Sunhee can feel goose bumps prick at the bare skin of her legs. So she shuffles into the bedroom of their glamping tent- turns the go-pro mount to face the wall- and digs out the sweatpants she’d packed just in case it did cool off.

In the little kitchen sink of the ‘tent’, Felix and Seungmin bicker over washing the lettuce and who is and isn’t allowed to start eating the fried vegetables they’d bought specifically because Felix hadn’t ever tried the staple of Korean street food before.

Something a little domestic, and achy pulls at her chest. Sunhee wonders if it will be like this, once they debut. If they’ll all make it out of MNet’s greedy little fingers or if some of them will fall through the gaps like Minho already had.

Bumping her hip against Seungmin, she nudges him out of the way to dig around for fire starters under the sink, finding a half full box. Sunhee had been put in charge of starting the campfire since apparently she’s the only one who’s confident enough to do that.

When she walks outside, nice and snug in her long pants and stolen jacket, with fire starters in hand, it's to Chan and Hyunjin grilling the meat they bought earlier in the day. Except one of them is having a much easier time than the other.

The pork belly on Hyunjin’s grill is catching fire intermittently as he panics and begs the meat to not burn, frantically piling it onto the side of the grill with less flames licking up though it.

Sunhee whistles lowly as she walks past, turning to face him and taking a few backwards steps. She raises an eyebrow and feels maybe just a little bit of karmic justice as she parrots his own words from a few hours ago, back at him. “Wow, you really suck at this.”

Hyunjin sticks his tongue out at her and Sunhee laughs, a little melancholy. Hollow, even.

The starters she’d found are little white cube ones, they smell a little chemical but she supposed that was what they were supposed to smell like. Sunhee builds the fire up first, rearranging the logs already in the fire pit to form a tepee before setting off for more fire fodder.

As she walks around the edge of the campsite picking up sticks and dried leaves as kindling, she knows there are cameras following her but she doesn't really care anymore. It’s peaceful almost, gathering up little twigs in her arms as the boys bicker in the background. Sunhee lets the sharp edges of the sticks dig into her palm as she packs them tightly together, making sure she has enough for a second attempt if the fire doesn’t kick off on the first try.

She drops to a squat by the fire pit, knees pressed against her chest as she stuffed half the kindling into the center of her little tepee, the fire wood looks like proper pine cut and split in neat logs. The fire pit is a little metal crate, in the middle of a gravel circle, ringed by larger stones, there’s not much room inside it, and the gaps in the side will certainly spit embers and sparks, so they’ll have to sit a fair ways back when they eventually do sit around it later on like staff had said they would.

She hums to herself as she breaks the fire starter apart in its packaging. There’s a new Day6 album dropping next month, Younghyun had played it for her and Chan when he bullied them into letting him buy them lunch a few weeks ago, worried about them and how well they were eating with the seemingly relentless filming schedule.

It had been stuck in her head for days, ‘When You Love Someone’ was the title they’d settled on and Sunhee had been excitedly waiting for the album release so she could listen to it again. A nice slow melody that she kind of wanted to cover, if she ever had to go back to monthly evaluations.

The matches shake a little in her grip and Sunhee has to tighten her grip to stop them slipping as she strikes them against the box.

Fire flickers alights, casting a gentle glow over her face as she holds the match through the crate, waiting for the fire to catch and the flames to begin licking up, close to her fingers, before flicking it in to burn with the rest of the kindling.

She stays, watches and waits. Feels the burn of fire somewhere deep in her chest, where she’d shoved it down two weeks ago, the simmering urge to fight that spits angry sparks of emotion about inside her.

Still, she seals it off, smothers it with dried up ashes and cuts off the oxygen supply. They were eight now, no matter how much she hated the idea. The best she could do was make sure they made it, those of them that still had the chance.

The thought spins about her head as they eat dinner. Why Minho?

In every way, Sunhee was the odd one out, she didn’t belong. Sure Minho had a short training period, but he fit. In the gaps where Sunhee didn’t. He was a good hyung to the younger members, grown up and matured with life experience in the industry that Sunhee could only dream of having.

Sunhee was reckless, emotional. She was immature, started spats with their leader and bit her tongue when it came to speaking her mind with the company. Let the production staff push and pull until she’s not sure where she’s even ended up. She doesn't feel like herself sometimes or at least, like the version she saw herself growing into. The image of her future is cut and jagged, people torn off front the picture’s edges, cut right out from the middle, she feels the loss of five friends like phantom limbs. No more Hana to giggle over the Monsta X comeback with, no Minju bemoaning about the cute boy in her class, no Eunhae to practice language with. No Ilsung to give her piggy backs when she asked sweetly enough.

And no Minho.

No one to plan dance covers with, to help run practice. No Minho around to raise an eyebrow at her and ask Sunhee bluntly if she’s sleeping, no Minho around to tell her that it’s not healthy, to hold onto anger.

Sunhee holds that excuse like a life-line, tells herself that even if she knows it’s wrong to let resentment foster and bubble inside her, keep it close to her chest in a way she knows Minho would disapprove of, he’s not there to stop her. The spiral will keep going, until someone puts a stop to it.

But no one else could quite pick it like he could.

The others have known her too long, become jaded to the way her anxiety buzzes like a livewire under her skin, how her eating habits scale up and down with numbers and goals written out and taped to the bathroom mirror.

Sure they’re watching. They must be.

Felix approaches her twice with samgyeopsal, dipped in a spicy sauce and wrapped up in lettuce, holding it in front of her face until she parts her lips and lets him feed it to her, to make sure she has her share. He teases her, tells her to say ‘Ahh’ and moves the food around making aeroplane noises. But he doesn't know what she's bottling up.

The anger stews under her skin when they settle in for another round of baring their soul for entertainment, when staff asks them to pick a member they are most thankful for and explain why.

Everyone looks a little weary as Chan follows the staff prompting and asks the members if there's anything or anyone they’re particularly thankful for. Jisung takes the burden of lightening the atmosphere, something he has always had a talent for. “I’m thankful to Changbin-hyung.”

Beside Sunhee, a bit of pride swells in Changbin, as he straightens out his shoulders and lids hit chin a bit, confidently awaiting his praise. “Yeah?”

“Well he’s always trying to learn from me,” Jisung grins, smug and teasing. “I find that really admirable.”

The rest of the hoot and holler, joking about a rap battle while Sunhee bites her tongue. But before anyone can really cut him off, Jisung continues, twisting his fingers together as he does, a little nervous. “We learn from each other, and we’re competing in good faith. We’ve really helped each other and improved together.”

Chan prompts Felix, who’s sitting between him and Sunhee, to speak with an encouraging nod.

“Welll, ah- I've got many things.”

Sunhee does admittedly find a little bit of humour in the grammar mistake, snorting into her collar simply because it’s one she’s made before. Felix looks up, perhaps a little startled by the cackle of laughter from hyunjin, who has begun pointing each of them out as ‘thing one, thing two’ and so on.

Felix laughs, biting the inside of his cheek, flushing red with a little bit of embarrassment.

Sunhee leans to whisper to him. “‘Myeong’ is for people, ‘ge’ is for objects.”

“Ah-ha ha.” He laughs nervously before clearing his throat. “I have several people.”

He enunciates it clearly, leaving a pause for everyone to nod along before continuing. “When I first arrived, I was a bit… I had a hard time. Sunny-noona taught me a lot of words, she still does. And I used to ask Changbin-hyung how to do this or that. Whether it was rap or korean, hyung really helped me a lot.”

“Changbinnie, that’s unexpected.” Chan teases.

“Why is it unexpected?” Changbin bites back with mock offense, toing that line between respectful and informal language that always makes Chan laugh because he couldn’t give less of a fuck about honorifics.

Hyunjin, surprisingly, is the one who directs them back on track, despite the fact he’s usually one of the more distracted amongst them. “Is there anyone Changbin-hyung is thankful to?”

“No.” He says flatly. There’s shouts of disagreement from the rest of them, every single one of them knowing that the ‘Dark Rapper’ aura he’s been putting on only runs so deep.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” He defends, "Honestly, the person I'm most thankful to- and sorry towards- is Chan-hyung. While being together, as 3Racha and while at the company, we’ve been together a lot and spend a lot of time together. Honestly, me and Jisung don’t listen to Chan-hyung and mess around a lot.”

“What are you talking about,” Chan jokes, smiling before his face turns stony with a thousand yard stare.

It gets a good laugh out of all of them.

They’re walking this line, the eight of them. Tethering towards tipping into the more serious conversations. When the staff had told them the activity, Sunhee could tell from the uneasy way Jeongin’s eyes flicker from the cameras, to Chan, then back to her, what his answer would be.

She doesn’t doubt Seungmin and Chan’s would probably be the same. Minho- who took over dance practices and stayed as long as the younger members wanted, helped them whenever they asked and danced as naturally as he breathed. He was kind, and good and deserved to have his dream after years of waiting.

It wasn’t fair that MNet wanted to rip the rug out from underneath him like that, present all his dreams on a big shiny stage and tell him he had to sit back and watch the rest of them stand on it.

She’s so stuck on the thought of how cruel it all was, to pretend Minho hadn’t been the core of their dance performances since he joined their team, that Seungmin speaking startles her. “For me, It’s Sunhee-noona.”

“Huh?” her head wisp around, caught off guard by it.

He looks a bit bashful, with all the attention on him, but Seungmin doesn’t back down. “Noona is always working so hard. She’s trying so hard with her vocal lessons and even though she’s a great dancer, she’s always trying to improve. I just think it's really inspiring how much effort she puts in all of the time. She’s really good at listening to our struggles and helping us, even if she holds in her own. I’m really thankful she’s here.”

“Seungminie,” Sunhee says, a little dragged out, whiny maybe, as heat rises to her cheeks. He’s sitting across the little semi-circle of camp chairs, leant back as he avoids her eye, suddenly embarrassed by his earnest words. “I’m really thankful to be here too.”

He nods, jerky and shy as he sniffles once. Tears have been an ever present threat for him as of late, eyes watering in the practice room or the company cafeteria, when they settled into a new table that fit eight perfectly rather than the larger table that used to fit fourteen, then nine with a few empty seats at the ends. No one says anything about it. Sunhee thinks that she might be the only one who sees how on edge he’s been for the past two weeks.

Maybe she was wrong, maybe Seungmin can see how angry she is.

He might be the only one, but the way he said that, holding in her own struggles, sounds like he can see the bubbling anger under her skin the way she spots the budding tears on his waterline. Eventually, when they’re given the staff laptop with the video letter Minho had mentioned recording, Seungmin stands, relinquishing his chair to Hyunjin and Jeogin to share as he ambles over to Sunhee’s side. She’s standing behind Felix, and Seungmin squeezes in beside her, behind Chan’s chair.

He puts an arm around her back, squeezes the curve of her waist once before dropping it. She tangles their hanging hands together, squeezes his tight, releasing the pressure but not the grip as the video plays, entwined fingers hidden by the chairs and members in front of them.

Something in Sunhee’s heart breaks a little, seeing Minho in his performance outfit on the laptop screen. Knowing it was filmed against a practice room wall with six MNet staff in the room, in the minutes between Minho being told his future, his dreams, would be put on hold and the torrid affair of watching him pack his belongings into a suitcase and leave the dormitory he was only just beginning to call home.

“I got eliminated, but you know that.” His eyes aren’t red, there’s not any tears despite the fact she knows he cried that day, held tight in Chan’s arms as he broke apart.

“You guys really helped me a lot. I'm sorry that I couldn’t improve as much as you helped me.”

Then he starts thanking them.

Chan comes first, he always did with Minho, who’d grown up and been raised a good korean boy, who respected his elders so much it was hard for him to look Chan in the eye for his first few months on their team. “Channie-hyung, I'm really thankful you chose me for your team- you’re a cool leader.”

Chan ducks his head forwards, blinking as he sniffled a few times but he doesn’t pause the video.

“Changbinnie,” Hearing his name come out the crackly speakers is almost too much for Changbin already, as he leans back and looks away, heaving in a deep breath. “You helped me a lot with the mission, Hyung is sorry. I should have done it better, like in practice. I’m really sorry.”

“Jisungie, when pd-nim told me to rap you held my hand- I still remember.” He’s smiling, trying so hard to match the grin Minho’s wearing in the video. “I was able to do well because of that. The mistake I made this time, maybe it’s because I didn't have you there to hold my hand.”

Seungmin breaks off from Sunhee’s side, turning his back to the camera and crouching a little as tears stream down his face. She settles a hand on his back, rubbing small circles, her attention torn between the video and comforting him.

She’s about to crouch beside him, when she hears her own name crackling in Minho’s voice as the laptop speakers peak.

“Sunhee-yah, it’s your job to lead the dances again, make sure the members are performing well, okay?” He’s smiling, but it’s not there in his eyes, it’s the same sad smile he’d given her on stage two weeks earlier. Her breath hitches, uneasy and stuttered as she huffs out an exhale, determined not to tear up again, not after he’d wiped the last ones off her face and told her not to apologise. “Thank you for sharing the stage with me. I hope we can do it again someday."

It’s the same thing he’d said after his elimination, the same thing she’d said when the staff asked her to film a message for him. We’ll share the stage again.

Before she’d let herself believe that debut with Chan, with her friends, had been possible, Sunhee tried her best to not equate evaluations, performances and the idea of debut, with the boys, knowing that it wasn’t something in the cards for her.

But Minho had been so electric to dance with, made every step and move feel easy, like an adrenaline high. Even before the show was pitched and Chan pushed for his co-ed group., Sunhee had been hooked, started dreaming about stages and covers they could prepare together, the two of them. She’s not sure she knows how to walk onto a stage without him anymore. Knows she certainly doesn't want to.

Minho shakes a little on the screen, swaying side to side as he finds his words. “Felix, When I call you, study hard so that you can speak Korean, you’re cool enough to learn it.”

Felix laughs a little wetly. Trust Minho to be scolding him about studying, even now. He was good with those little nuances, the words Sunhee didn’t know, helped her with them too, ironing out the kinks in her pronunciation and the dialect that clung to the words she’d learnt from her family.

“Everyone, thank you. I hope you succeed, hwating.” The video cuts, brutally quick. Progress bar and pause menu popping up along the bottom or the screen to show it had come to an end, like his time with the group.

There is no replay option.

The journey back is a quiet affair, almost everyone falls asleep, with no more cameras around the boys all but pass out, exhausted by the emotional stress of the night. Not to mention it’s late, edging towards midnight.

Sleep is a rare commodity, Sunhee would take advantage of it if she could, but her mind is still clogged up with thoughts and regrets, anger at the company and MNet keeping her up.

“Noona,” Someone calls, quiet and soft, not waiting to disturb the rest of their group.

Sunhee turns a little confused to see Hyunjin looking at her, chewing his bottom lip and looking a little distressed. She frowns. “Are you okay Hyunjin-ah?”

“I just want to say…” His eyes flicker around, shift and unsure. “I’m sorry if I offended you today at the ice-rink. I’m not good at thinking before I speak. I didn’t mean to be rude or disrespectful. I’m sorry.”

He bows forwards at the end, it looks uncomfortable to do with sitting down with a seat belt on but he still does it, commits to a near ninety-degree angle, or at least as close as he can get while seated. Sunhee is so taken aback, she can’t think of what to say.

She’s not sure she’s ever heard Hyunjin say sorry before, at least not earnestly like this. There have been sorrys thrown about casually, when he miss-stepped in dance, or sarcastic ones that come paired with an eye roll, but never something so serious.

He speaks in a formal register, like someone would to a proper senior, not the way he usually does with her, or even the other older members, this is more rigid.

There’s an empty seat beside him, at the back of the van. Four seats in a row, Jeongin was passed out in one corner, with a gap between him and Hyunjin and another empty seat by the other window.

Sunhee glances around briefly. The only other person not asleep was Chan, who was in the seat in front of her and looking very invested in his laptop, headphones in and everything. The others were passed out and it occurred to her that Hyunjin had been waiting until they were alone to bring it up, even if he couldn’t wait until they were truly alone, he had at least waited until it would be a private conversation.

She purses her lips, glances out the window to the near empty highway and unbuckles her seatbelt quietly, before darting to the back of the van.

“Let me though,” She whispers, kicking her foot against Hyunjin’s. He pulls his legs back and Sunhee squeezes past, falling into the corner seat as he blinks at her owlishly.

Her hand finds one of his and she claps it between both her palms, shaking it slightly as she speaks, he turns a little, sitting sideways in his seat to face her as she does the same. “Hyunjin-ah, don’t be sorry. You didn’t offend me. I think… I’ve just been feeling a little sensitive lately. Stressed about my place on the team, since I'm the only girl. I’m not very gracious in defeat, at not succeeding, especially with cameras around, so I snapped at you. It’s not your fault.”

The van is dark, passing street lights and the occasional car flicking light onto his face, big brown eyes, wide with surprise. “You shouldn’t worry though. That you’re the only girl, I mean. It doesn't matter.”

Sunhee looks at him, smiles a little sadly and squeezes his hand once. "Doesn't it?”

Recognition flickers across his face, then shame as it slowly bleeds into his expression. Hyunjin averts his eyes, detangles their hands. But he doesn’t shift to face the front, his body still turned to face her, even if he’s not looking at her, much more concentrated on his own lap.

“Ah, so Jisung told you about that?” To Hyunjin’s credit, he sounds downright ashamed by the idea that Sunhee knows what he said, all those months ago.

“No, Changbinnie did.” Sunhee picks at the zipper of the stolen jacket she wore, wondering how much of the dirty laundry she should air out. “I was very upset with Jisungie, when you two started fighting. I knew two of you didn’t particularly like each other, but the screaming matches were a step too far. I didn’t speak to him for a week and a half.”

Hyunjin freezes. “What?”

“Yeah, He kept giving me stupid reasons when I asked why you two were fighting. I told him that unless he stopped being so childish and fighting over nothing, I wouldn’t talk to him.” Sunhee remembers, after more than a week of the silent treatment, Changbin had pulled her aside and made her promise that she wouldn’t repeat what he was about to tell her to Jisung. “Changbin told me, so I would stop punishing Jisungie. He thought he was defending our honor, I guess, me and the other girls.”

“I didn’t know that you knew… you were still so nice to me, so I thought he mustn't have told you.” Hyunjin rakes his hand down his face, sighing into his palms. “Aish, I guess it was stupid to think I could just move past it. I was pretty rude to say something like that.”

“I don’t think you should beat yourself up over it, Hyunjin. A lot of people at the company said things like that.” She offers, because honestly, she’s not all that offended. She knows she should be, but it was just sort of expected. Besides, he’s never ostracised her, or any of the other girls when they were still part of the team, didn’t treat them any differently. “Chan had a whole speech planned about why each of us girls deserved to be in the group. I get why you said it, though.”

“You don’t though.” Hyunjin stresses. He sighs again, glancing around at their sleeping members, at the back of Chan’s head. The only staff member in the van was their driver and he was all the way up the front, oblivious to their conversation.

“I was the only one who didn’t have a reason to be on the team. My only job when I joined was being pretty. I’m not a handsome visual like Chan-hyung and Ilsung-hyung, they’ve got masculine faces. I’m pretty- feminine looks. Eomma always told me that.” He sounds annoyed by it, like his good looks were a bad thing, as if he didn’t have the loudest cheer at the showcase, like there weren’t already fans out there with his name on banners. “So when Chan-hyung said that there would be girls in the team, and I found out it was you and the others, Hana-noona, Minju-noona and Eunhae, well, I wasn’t really the pretty one anymore. I was insecure and I thought that maybe if the girls weren’t in our team, I would have a better chance of debuting.”

Words clog up her throat as she watches his somber expression. Shame, guilt and insecurity spinning around in his eyes.

“I’m sorry noona, my insecurities blinded me and I said something awful.” He bows his head. “I hope, you know I don’t think like that, not anymore.”

It’s true that he was scouted as a visual, seen on the street by the casting directors and offered a place at the company. That used to be Jisung’s problem with him, that Hyunjin could get a free pass to debut just because he’d rolled a better stat in the genetic lottery. But that was two years ago, Hyunjin had worked just as hard, if not harder than some of them, to develop his skills. Sure his rap pronunciation was still a little touch and go but his dance was amazing.

“Aish, it’s alright, I know you don’t.” Sunhee doesn't realise until that moment that she’s never told him how much she thinks he’s improved, how proud she is. “Hyunjinie, you’ve worked so hard Hyunjinie, you’re a strong dancer, don’t write yourself off as just a visual.”

“But I’m not even the best at that.” He refutes, cutting Sunhee off but still letting her hand wind back into his as he squeezes it. “Minho-hyung and Felix have been dancing a lot longer than I have, and I don't think I would have passed the initial dance exam so quickly if you hadn’t helped me with it. Any dance value I bring to the team isn’t unique.”

“Channie pitched you guys too, you know that?”

He glances up from his lap, a crease in his brow as he looks at Sunhee for the first time since admitting what he’d said all those months ago. “Huh?”

“When he talked to the company, about the team.” Sunhee says, pulling out her phone and opening Kakao-Talk and her messages with Chan to search up Hyunjin’s name. There’s a couple of other mentions, mostly about schedules or his and Jisung’s little spats, but it’s not particularly hard to find the initial dot points Chan had typed out for each member six months ago. The ones for each of the boys weren't as lengthy as the ones for the girls, but they were still there.

“Here, see?” she titles her phone screen for him to see before she starts reading it out. “In addition to strong visuals, Hwang Hyunjin’s dynamic dance skills and strong stage presence will be essential in a performance based team, like the company is aiming to debut.”

He’s quiet for a moment, re-reading the text message. “The survival show changes things though, if it came down to it, I'm probably going to be the one leaving.”

“Why would you think that? PD-nim praised you last week, are you forgetting who’s under threat of elimination here?” Sunhee laughs softly, trying to break up some of the tension building in his shoulders.

It doesn't work all too well. “But if it comes down to it, I'm not gonna be the one you want to debut with, right? I’m the expendable one.”

She frowns, head tilting as she tries to figure out what he means, how that string of words could possibly make sense in his head. “Why would you think that?”

“I’m the least attached.” Hyunjin purses his lips, pink and plush, perfectly even though he’s been chewing them with worry all day. “Eveyone else, they’re more yours than I am, more Chan-hyung’s, more Jisung-ah’s.”

“Hyunjin, it's not about belonging to someone, it’s about belonging together.”

Because, that was the whole point, the team of them. Chan picked them himself, chose people he knew could make it, and be part of his dream after all those years. They all chose to follow him, and sure some were missing, pushed gently out of frame, but those that wanted to be there were still part of them, even if it was off camera. They were still friends, they still came to the birthday dinner for Felix and Jisung, still texted and still made the effort.

Hyunjin still doesn't look convinced, his hand squeezing hers in a death grip, like it’s the only thing keeping his emotions from spilling over like tears. “But if it came down to it, if we had to vote or pick, I'm going to be the one leaving. I mean, half you guys hate me already because Jisung and I fight all the time.”

That makes Sunhee roll her eyes. Christ, and they said teenage girls were bad. “Don’t be dramatic, we don’t hate you. We hate that you two fight, it’s different.”

“Is it?” He doesn't sound convinced.

Sunhee narrows her eyes at him, squinting in the dark as she tries to tell if he’s joking or not. She can’t come to a conclusion on it, not even when they pass another street lamp and the light flickers over his skin. “You and Jisung are too similar, I think you’ll realise that one day.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, a little in annoyance, a bit like he’s trying to pretend like she’s not right. “Sure noona.”

“I’m serious.” She racks her brain, trying to come up with a way to prove it, give him a little bit of faith that it won’t always be like that.

“Ah,” She gaps in the quiet, leg bouncing as she speaks, hand patting against his a few times, not quite in excitement but certainly a surge of energy. “Did you know when I first met Chan-oppa, he wanted nothing to do with me?”

Hyunjin looks taken aback, properly and genuinely shocked. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. He was so moody and didn’t want to talk to anyone back then.” Sunhee still remembers his bored tone and uninterested greeting when she’d been taken around the company on her introduction day. It had bordered on rude but Chan was her senior and she’d been warned by her mother that the age hierarchy in Korea was serious and to never question an elder unless it was serious. “I don’t think he really cared about any of the other trainees at that point, or at least didn’t want to care. So when we met he completely brushed me.”

It was reasonable, in retrospect or at least now Sunhee understood. There’d been a big trainee purge not that long before, Chan was used to seeing friends go. By that point, he was trying to convince himself it was easier to not have any at all. He’d been sceptical of Jisung at first too, until Sunhee had dragged him along and convinced him to play nice and give the boy a chance. And well, look how that turned out.

“I can’t even imagine that. You two are like… you’ve always been friends.” Hyunjin says, baffled.

“Yeha well it wasn’t until afterwards, when he actually spoke to me and realised I was Australian that we became friends.” Sunhee shrugs, then tacks on a little smugly, “Maybe one day, you and Jisungie will find something you have in common. Besides ego.”

“Sure noona, whatever you think.” But it’s not as clear of a dismissal as before, comes with an eye roll and a smile.

Sunhee huffs a little breath, amused as she plays with his hands, twisting his knuckles and moving his fingers this way and that as they lapse into a silence that feels something like peace, like a few of the weights have been cut off after months of letting silly words said in a movement of insecurity settle between them, unmentioned and ignored.

It won’t be until they make it back to the company and Chan nudges her awake that Sunhee realises she fell asleep at all. And it won’t be until years later that she’ll find out Chan has a picture, tucked away in his phone gallery of her head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, Hyunjin’s head atop hers as they slept, dead to the world.

[ <<< ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ ] [ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ] [ ɴᴇxᴛ>>>(coming soon) ]

a note from ink: i think i might condense the next two episodes into one, since it's just the yg vs jyp battle and it don't really want to split it into two parts, so there might only end up being nine parts to this series rather than a full ten, but we'll see how it goes.

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