wretchedly unabashed

It’s hard to write  about being happy.  Or maybe I am just  a bad poet. Unlike you,  who wrote the best poem  in the entire world  with my fridge magnets:  We will run through life together.

The April sky is endless.  The noose around my neck is a familiar and comforting leash. My mother says better the devil  you know. The devil says better to burn out fast than to fade away. Everyone is beautiful if you look at them long enough. Well, sure. You still need  someone to look at you.

I’m no daddy’s girl  but I am my father’s daughter.  I cry in every grocery store and I can only tell the truth when I can’t see your eyes.  In my head, I am a good person. In my bones, I know there is an emptiness that will swallow  you whole. I cannot help my nature  any more than I can help my nurture. I cannot help stinging you  even when I’m on your back. Even when it’ll kill us both. 

in movies, i saw high pitched girls yelling when men grabbed their wrists, "your hurting me!" and i would always think, so? that’s what he wants. why would he stop. and why are you telling him? now he’s just going to do it more. now he knows exactly what to do. maybe that's why i don't cry in front of you anymore. maybe that's why i laugh on roller coasters, instead of screaming.

My mother said men cannot bear their hunger. They are like children in that way. Does that mean we have to bear it for them? Will I spend my whole life bearing you? I think you are a good person. Or at least, you are trying to be, which is really the same thing. I try not to be overbearing. You are not my child, only my baby. It's selfish, I know. What meaning can love have other than bearing each other?

The first apartment I ever got by myself was small and dinky and the only window looked out onto a gray wall and the kitchen cabinets were ugly as sin but it was the first home I’ve ever had. Sure, the place had rats and I went to sleep every night scared I'd get murdered because there was no way to lock the patio door but. Are you really living if you’re not afraid of dying? I’ve spent a lot of my life not being afraid to die and let me tell you, that one’s worse.