Oh fuck im crashing out. Iām so achingly lonely. I truly feel like I will never have real intimacy again. Physical touch. Not sexual touch. Longing. Being noticed. Being wanted. I hate how much I want to be wanted. I hate how much I hate being alone. How badly I crave intimacy and partnership and love. How badly I just want to be loved. I hate it.
I know I sound dramatic but itās been what 3 years now? And itās flown by. I feel like we just broke up. And heās already found someone. Someone who will love him, and give him intimacy, and someone he will notice.
I think every man Iāve ever loved has eventually looked through me. I become invisible. Or not enough. Or both.
I feel like this broken piece of nothing. Like a bird he crushed in his hand and dropped in the street. Like all my bones are broken and my feathers are gone and I canāt sing I canāt fly I canāt fucking breathe. All I know is numbness. Looking at everyone pass me by. I feel like Iām made of nothing. I feel nothing. Iām nothing.
Maybe I donāt exist anymore. Maybe if I didnāt exist anymore no one would even know. Maybe this is what I needed to feel. To experience. Maybe Iām being punished. Maybe I need to be. I canāt think. I just feel so achingly alone. And I canāt see a future. I canāt see it changing. Iām going to keep getting older and more time will pass and my body will deteriorate and I will dissolve and no one will notice and I will always feel this aching.












