Incorrect Magnus Archives Quotes @incorrecttmaquotes - Tumblr Blog

martin: treat spiders the way you'd like to be treated

jon: killed without hesitation

martin: no!

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Elias: You're going to have to do better if you want to leave me out of the loop. I invented being paranoid in this office.

#the magnus institute #Elias Bouchard #s: Wolf 359 #submission

Gertrude: Or, we do this the old-fashioned way!

Gertrude: [pulls out a molotov cocktail]

Gerard: How did you make that so fast?!

((Source is The Good Place

Helen: There is no difference between Coke, Pepsi, Doctor Pepper, Sprites, ginger’s ale, root’s beered, Mountain Do, all of them. They’re all exactly the same.

Micheal: Hohoho! Comparing these other drinks to ginger ale is like sticking you hand in a blender! Because in both situations… heh, you’ll know soon enough.

Helen: Hi, Micheal. Thanks for your comment on my post. Except, no thanks. Your heart will stop beating at 9:10 PM EST on 2018/04/30. Make the best of your remaining time. - H. Richardson

Micheal: I got rid of my heart twenty five years ago to make room! (For ginger ale.) Do not fear though friend! Your reckoning will soon be upon you!

Jon: I am witnessing a conversation between two gods

((Source is Tumblr

Melanie: I know 200 ways to kill a man.

Basira: You could glue an open jar of rats to his face then blowtorch the other side of the jar so the rats have to eat their way out through his face.

Melanie: ...201.

((Source is Duckman

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Sasha, holding Jon by the collar of his shirt: Stinky boy

Martin: No! Don't be mean!

Tim: Stinky boy, bastard man

Martin: NOOOO

Martin: I’m proud to identify as morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively. Jon asked me if I was a ghost in the middle of a supernatural invasion once and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight.

Jon: It has just come to my attention that Sasha has been replaced by The Stranger so I am going to go break the table which it's bound to. There is no way this can go wrong.

Martin, lovingly making a fresh pot of tea and thinking up an alibi: Jon you’re so fucking stupid.

Martin: What do you want to eat?

The Eye *in Jon's head*: The statements of the innocent

Jon: A bagel

The Eye: NOOOOO!!!!!

Jon: ...Two bagels

Literally everyone in the archives: you know those days when you’re like, this might as well happen, adult life is already so fucking weird.

#the magnus archives #s: john mulaney #submission

plum-caprice-rabbit-deactivated

The Magnus Archives as Troubled Birds

Under cut because it’s long

Keep reading

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #not sasha #the not them #melanie king #elias bouchard #michael #mike crew #jane prentiss #gertrude robinson #mary keay #gerard keay #trevor herbert #john amherst #full cast #reblog

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incorrectpodcastquotes

“No hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye.”

— Tim Stoker

#the magnus archives #tim stoker #s: brooklyn 99 #reblog

Daisy: Oh my god, Sims, you can’t just ask people why they’re monsters!

#the magnus archives #daisy tonner #jonathan sims #s: mean girls

incorrectpodcastquotes

Jon, waking up suddenly: Spiders… The spiders… they want me to tap-dance.... I don’t want to tap-dance.

Martin: You tell those spiders, Jon.

Jon, dozing off again: Tell them… I’ll tell them…

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #jon/martin #s: harry potter #reblog

“You had me at ‘meat tornado’.”

—Tom Haan

#the magnus archives #tom haan #s: parks and recreation

incorrectpodcastquotes

Melanie: I sort of did something and I need your advice, but I don't want a lot of judgement or criticism.

Jon: And you came to me?

#the magnus archives #melanie king #jonathan sims #s: modern family #reblog

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incorrectpodcastquotes

Martin: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.

Jon: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

#the magnus archives #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #s: community #reblog

incorrectpodcastquotes

Martin: Are you even getting enough sleep?

Jon: Sometimes when I sneeze my eyes close.

#the magnus archives #martin blackwood #jonathan sims #s: tumblr #reblog

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