Hi Overeager, I'm dad.

You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.

Craig: Do you want a protein shake, bro? Dadsona: Nah, bro. Craig: Why, bro? Dadsona: Because you’re the only one who gives me strength, bro. Craig: Bro…

When you turn 18, people are gonna try and tell you to buy porn or cigarettes because you can. Fuck that. You know what else is legal to buy at 18? Blades. Get yourself a damn sword. A big knife is also okay.

I want to make fun of stupid people while getting drunk. My two true passions.

Mary: Joseph, can you just… do something here? I never have any idea what to say to these people. Joseph: You mean children?

Amanda: It was lit! Dadsona: The place was lit up? Amanda: No, it was LIT! Dadsona: There was a fire?!

Home Invasion is an unfortunate Skill to Have but it’s the Cross I have to Bear…. For any of the dads

Think of me as your Yoda. Except instead of being little and green, I look good shirtless and I’m awesome. I’m your bro. Your Broda.

Ok but consider this; mat sella

Damien: Dogs are nice. I love dogs.  Damien: Because in dogs, we see the things we wish we saw more in people: lifelong friendship, unwavering loyalty, and a willingness to eat anything you cook.

Mary: Good question, Damien! Damien, to Robert: How come you don’t point it out when I ask good questions? Robert: Because I don’t love you like she does. Mary: Told you.

Craig: So you think I have a nice ass? Dadsona: I do. Craig: Thanks! Dadsona: No problem, bro. 

I would like to thank my arms for being by my side, my legs for lifting me up when I’m down, and my hips for not lying to me.

[playing scrabble] Mat: I will put my “A” down to make “A.” Craig: I will add to your “A” to make “AT.” Brian: I will add onto your “AT” to make “RAT.” Hugo: I will add onto your “RAT” to make “BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC.” Robert: [flips the board]

Robert: Obeying horror story rules, I’m going to go out alone. Robert: You stay here while I go out looking for help. Dadsona: Oh-okay… [Robert walks off] Dadsona: God bless him, leaving me here alone and defenseless in a cemetery. What a guy.