inchings

get out of the house more. see more people, be more spontaneous with making plans. invite people to things, the more the merrier. i think at some point i became fearful of the possibility of overwhelm, including in terms of plans and people. connect with the people you want to connect with and trust they'll understand if you need to make a change.

be more open and vulnerable, share sometimes without being prodded/invited. speak for longer than you think you're allowed to.

finish my phd!

build in stretching into daily/weekly routine

stand more firmly in my own value and the value i bring to others' lives

missed a few years on here, got a little lost:

1. get better at complimenting people. come up with more genuine and creative compliments that actually get at what i appreciate and love about people. find more sincerity, lean into it. 

2. say what you think and mean what you say. i’ve been getting into sticky situations by trying to play all sides and just finding the temperate, medium between all positions. the result has been a feeling of profound unseen-ness and frankly, a mess of lies. i need to have more spine, know when to stay silent and when to speak up. being nice doesn’t mean biting your tongue.

3. relatedly, trust in repair and communication. you can work through a conflict. you CAN work through a conflict. that’s the beauty of life, the possibility that emerges through connection and communication. wouldn’t that be a magical thing to discover? how you can create possibility and newness and life through the very act of trust?

4. be less afraid. be more spontaneous. go out more. the pandemic really closed me up.

5. work through this saturn’s return! the journey with my family will be a long one of more disruption, more coming into my truth. what i thought i had buried a few years back turns out to be just that--buried. it will come to see the light of day and it will be painful. the end of this year has been that reckoning-- that i’ve avoided more pain and the result has been complacency and stuckness. 

6. drive my life with more intention.

7. find more joy and fun and silliness. actually chase it?

8. shopping: only vintage/thrift (has to fit perfect with no alterations), if fast fashion: has to be good materials

9. finish this phd??

2020 resolutions:

1. remember who you are and what the people who love you do for you and what you must do for them. do not lose sight of this. you CAN live a life of deep values and ethics, in fact, this is the only life worth living. 

2. direct copy and paste: keep on working out!

3. direct copy and paste: write more poetry, make more art

4. think less about the biological clock and about settling down and about a life partner. there is no script for this. meet people and enjoy them for who and what they are. there is no need to constantly assess for life partner material.

5. stop projecting my own insecurities about basic-ness onto other people. stop shaming/cancelling people because they’re not cool/sophisticated/cultured enough esp when you secretly enjoy those things too. e.g. with s and r. and when r said the thing about the book at beacon, when i was like this is something you’d like, i used to be into it.