I'm a Troubled Child

I use to fall asleep with so much hope for my future. I would think of a perfect version of myself and predict the looks of my family. After my ex and I split, I no longer see that image, even with a blank face of an unknown soulmate(?). This keeps me up at night. That comfort is gone from me. The comfort that let’s me drift into dream smoothly. The uneasiness makes me wonder if I will love again. Am I good enough to be loved? Do these lack of imagery mean something deeper? Will I never get married and have kids? Will I die before my lifetime goals are achieved? Am I so empty right this moment, that I can never have those feelings of care, comfort, peace and love again? This will pass.

These images are literally the 2 time periods we were extremely happy with one another. My story was about 5 large paragraphs and it covered most of memories with him. I hope that my next relationship will be longer than this. 

July Picnic 2017

I’ve been neglecting my Tumblr presence, so I’m going to revamp this page and start posting more consistently. Get ready for an update of my life. I’ll post content from the past couple years. Let’s BS for I have yet to find inner peace. I learned a lot about myself in 2017. Get ready for a drop of some new deep ass shit that I may view as immature crap in the future. 

Freshman 2016 Halloween, Spice Girls ~ Me, Hailey, Natalie, Alexis & Toni

I don’t know everything. I shouldn’t act like an asshole

My parents gave each of my siblings and I a pair of doll clowns when we were born. Scary right? Actually, no. My mom told me that when she was pregnant with my older brother, she was nursery shopping and saw the clowns with a smile on its face. She rationed, “I want my children to be happy and smile too.” So she hoped that every time we saw them, it would make us smile. She’s such a sweet lady. It works. They have been with us since we were born and will always be special. We huge them when we are happy and we reach for their comfort in times of sorrow. Tearful and anxious, I looked at her face just now. She made me smile and remind me of my parents warm embrace. A relief from my emotions. I miss home a lot. 

Looking back at prom pictures, I just realized how stupid the whole thing was. Our biggest worry was if anyone had the same dress, if the dress fit, or if we had a date. Thinking about it, it’s so so stupid, compared to what a real problem is. I spent so much money on the outfit, I don’t even wear anymore. Life. At least I learned from the experiences and got black out drunk that night - now that was actually the best part. LMAO

I remember the moment when I learned that the world had problems. I am in 4th grade at Bayview Glen and my teacher is Ms Hern. We are in social science class and had wrapped up the unit on medieval times. We now are on the unit about Canada. We just memorized all the provinces and territories’ capital names and had a test on it. I aced it of course. Anyhow, we are learning about each province - their traits, animals, floors AND environment issues that concern the whole of the province. We finish all provinces and I remember thinking, “wow, each province has one problem. That can’t be. There are too many problems to solve. Why can’t we fix all this stuff right now.” I was only taught the thirteen major problems of each province/territory. Imagine more…….. As a grew, I learned more and more problems with our world and eventually got extremely depressed about our cruel, chaotic dying world. That’s the moment when I transformed from child to adult, well a young adult(?) no, an anxtie teen. The moment I realized that the world wasn’t an utopia. How sad.

So in this brief moment there is fear and hope is lost. Must this great nation not give into such power and remain its glory with faith.

When I am in high stress, I paint, eat, don’t sleep and be mute (even more extreme). But if i’m mediocre stress, I run instead of eat and everything else is about the same. Im in high stress. great

I got a loving family to lean on. Thanks for making the days fill with smiles and laughter when in secret, my nights are flooded with tears.

The worst part is trying to fall asleep. Usually the imagination of his arms around you will allow you to drift into the marvellous deep sleep. Instead now, you got to live through the dreamless nights and weary days.

I just want to rip out my heart and my lungs, so the irregular pulsing stops. I just want the pain to go away.