Fear wasn't an emotion Nayeli was used to feeling. That wasn't to say she never felt it. She had more than once, but that morning was different. Instead of feeling grateful that her eyes were open, she felt a profound sense of dread.
While confident the night before, she worried about sitting down with Ezra to talk. After learning the gist of what Isaiah said to him, she felt bad because she expected those roles to be reversed. And she felt bad for expecting that. Her mind should've been open to all possibilities because anything could happen.
She was slow to get ready and leave her house, extra cautious on the road which lengthened her trip to Oceanview. Her stomach switched between aching and gurgling as she waited for Ezra's gate to slide open. The longer it took, the worse she felt, but she swallowed the bile trying to creep up her throat and rolled into her normal parking spot.
Landscapers crowded some of the space, cleaning up around the grounds. She could hear the faint sounds of a lawnmower and a weed whacker, smell fresh cut grass and the light scents of different flowers that were planted to give the exterior more life. There was a silver van parked next to the pick-ups, seemingly out of place.
"Good morning, Miss!" One of the landscapers spoke to her as she tried to find the best way to hop over a bag of plant clippings, "I'll get that out of your way."
"Good morning," she said back and thanked him when he hauled the bag to a trashcan and got back to work. Ezra and Tati were at the door waiting for her. She opened her arms to hug them both, "Good morning, my babies."
"Good morning, Mommy! Guess what? Guess what?" Tati jumped up and down against her side, landing on her toes as Ezra kissed her temple. Nayeli was grateful that she decided to wear sneakers instead of sandals.
"Daddy has a surprise for you!"
"Ooooh really? What kind of surprise?"
"Don't tell her!" Ezra said, clamping his hand over Tati's mouth when he saw her getting ready to spill the beans, "You'll see in a couple of hours. I want to eat breakfast as a family before Brandy comes to pick her up."
"Why's Brandy picking her up? I thought she was spending the day with me."
"We have business to handle. It's only for a few hours." He didn't sound upset or look mad, but his words put the fear of God in her. She nodded and allowed Tatiana to drag her from the front of the home to the back where the table on the patio was set up with serving platters of Belgian waffles, fluffy scrambled cheese eggs, crispy bacon, fried sausage, fresh fruit and cold-pressed juice.
"Are you ready to take your test on Monday?" she asked Tati as Ezra pulled chairs out for them and started filling their plates.
"Yeah. It's gonna be easy."
"So easy, but if it isn't, that's okay, too. I know you'll do your best, and that's what counts."
"That's right," Ezra chimed in, "We're proud of you no matter what. Did you hand out the invitations to your birthday party?"
Tati nodded, pouring warm syrup over her waffles, "I didn't invite Riley because she took my favorite pencil and lied about it. She brought it to school the next day and used it during social studies and when I asked for it back, she said it was hers like I don't know what my favorite pencil looks like. I don't want to be friends with a thief or a liar."
"That's very wise of you, Princess. Did you tell your teacher what happened?"
"She said if I can't prove Riley took it, there's nothing she can do. I think she believed me, but we're not supposed to call people liars at school."
"Why not? If somebody's a liar, they're a liar," Ezra said.
"It's not kind language, and we're supposed to be kind to each other."
"All this new age shit is ridiculous," he mumbled and shook his head, "I'll get you more pencils."
"Can I get purple this time?"
"You can have any color you want, and we'll put your initials on them."
Nayeli missed the days of childhood conflict. Most of it was mild in comparison to the things she experienced as an adult. And Tati had more sense than she had at that age. Nayeli would've assumed the girl took her pencil because she was less fortunate or was having problems at home and invited her to the birthday party anyway so she wouldn't feel excluded. Tatiana had strong boundaries at eight, and that level of discernment would serve her well as she got older.
Their morning meal was perfect, filled with family time laughs and good energy. For that hour only, Nayeli wasn't nervous. She enjoyed the food, the beautiful morning, the sight and smell of the ocean. She enjoyed it so much that she preferred if Brandy didn't come at all, but Ezra was on a mission. She could tell by the way he went from relaxed to stern in just a few seconds.
"You gave Max her invitation right?" he asked her as she stood to clear the table. He took the plates out of her hand and stacked them on top of each other, leaving them for the people he hired to cook and clean that morning.
"I did. I forgot that I was supposed to RSVP for them. She's coming with Diesel. Stella and the baby will be there for the pizza, cake, and ice cream. Auntie Max wants to know what you want for your birthday. What do you want me to tell her, Princess?"
"Lip gloss and nail polish and a green camera and sunglasses and—"
"Okay, you can make a list and I'll give it to her." Nayeli didn't know how much longer it was going to be, but she knew she wouldn't remember everything on it.
Tati left them to change clothes, and Ezra stopped Nayeli from cleaning anything up, stating that it would be taken care of. After their previous evening, he wanted nothing more than to have a calm day. His head was clearer. He was ready to talk, and the mere thought of the conversation put him on edge. Their relationship was enough to focus on for the time being. All extras could wait.
He watched as Nayeli braided a butterfly and two hearts into the front half of Tatiana's hair, parting and brushing the rest into space buns the way she liked. She used an edge brush to smooth down her baby hair and added some butterfly clips to the buns and the end of the braids by her ears.
"I'm so cute." Tati grinned in the mirror and looked at her hair from different angles, "Thank you, Mommy."
"You're welcome, Princess. Go get your shoes on. Auntie Brandy should be here soon."
The anxious feeling in her gut said so. Her internal check system kicked on the minute Ezra stopped smiling at everything. It was only a matter of time before they were left alone to handle business.
She moved around to make herself seem busy, but there was nothing to do. Nothing to clean. Nothing to put away. Eventually, she found a couch to perch herself on, staring at her phone as the screen lit up with notifications from Israel. She wasn't done being upset with him and debated on letting the texts sit.
Coming back to the States should've been a smooth transition. She had her hand in the messiness of it all, but Israel contributed more than she expected in ways she never considered. She was doing damage control because of his actions, and that made it hard for her not to want to punish him some way. Then again, it was the first time he'd ever upset her to that magnitude.
As much as she would've liked to make him suffer for a while, she realized what she was asking of both men and chose to extend grace. She replied to his messages, letting him know that she loved him and that they would talk later.
"You look stressed," Ezra noted as he entered the room and sat next to her.
"I'm alright. Where's the munchkin?"
"Packing an overnight bag. Brandy's keeping her until tomorrow."
"You're letting her pack the bag by herself?"
"Because she's seven and will probably throw something crazy in there? Did you at least tell her to pack extra underwear in case of an emergency?"
"Brandy's house is only fifteen minutes away. If there's an emergency, she can just bring her back here."
The longer they co-parented, the more she understood people not trusting men to do certain household tasks. Some of it was weaponized incompetence, but they could be downright clueless at times. She made sure to check Tati's bag before the latter left with her aunt. When the cleaning crew came in, reality began to set in again.
Nayeli couldn't focus on anything but the conversation she and Ezra were supposed to have that day. The anticipation made her skin go clammy.
"It's time to head out. You need anything before we go?" he asked, keys in hand as he guided her to the garage and let Garrett know that he was leaving.
"I don't think so. Where are we going?"
She wasn't sure she would be able to relax. All the anxiety she felt when she got up was back full force, and her breathing exercises were doing nothing to help her. She was pretty sure her knees would start sweating soon.
"Mhmm." He didn't give her much more than that, helping her into the passenger's seat of his Lambo.
Their ride into the city was relatively quiet. He kept the radio low, and traffic noise aside, no other sounds filled the vehicle. If it weren't for the fact that Ezra kept his hand on her leg, she would've thought they had beef. He was deep in his head, and she couldn't wait to reach whatever their destination was.
"Do you want to talk before we get there?" she asked hesitantly because she was nowhere near prepared for the discussion, but she didn't want to be worried while they were doing whatever they were about to do.
"Nah, I'm cool. I got it all planned out," he answered, "You can fix your face, though. There's nothing to be worried about."
"Why don't you want to talk now then?"
"The conversation can wait. We haven't had a full day for just the two of us in forever. I want to spend time together, and I don't want you to focus on anything else in the meantime."
"That's going to be difficult with the way we left things yesterday. And you're tense."
"So are you. That's why we're going to relax. The talk will go a lot better once we do. If it eases your mind, I'm not mad," he said, taking his eyes off the road to look at her.
"Not anymore, no. I was last night."
Setting her hand on top of his, she gripped his fingers and used her other hand to caress his forearm. She was grateful that he was no longer mad. Their conversations always went left when he was upset. She had hopes that they would be able to come to an understanding without a heap of drama this time.
They cruised around the outskirts of downtown, catching most of the lights because so many people were out and about. Stores were having end of summer sales, restaurants were clearing out the brunch crowds, people were heading for and away from the beach. The city was alive and well, though the part of town they were headed for had much less foot traffic.
Terrace Hills had no hills at all, but it was home to some of the most exclusive boutiques, restaurants, and other businesses in the city. Ezra passed a Hawaiian fusion place and turned into the lot of a health and wellness spa, helping her out of the car and leaving his keys with the valet while accepting the ticket.
"Don't scratch my shit," he warned and led Nayeli inside where they were greeted by a receptionist with warm smiles and offers of detox water. The lobby was air conditioned to perfection; not cold enough to stiffen her nipples in her bra but cold enough to stop the sweat that was trying to form on the back of her neck.
While Ezra got them checked in, she looked around in awe, never having been there before. She liked the high ceilings, the modern minimalist decor, the shiny Italian marble and abstract art pieces, everything themed in gold and chocolate brown. There were a few people sitting on u shaped couches and at the rounded bar, some with cups of water or glasses of champagne. A table with tiered trays of finger foods had a small line.
She walked closer to the display case of products used in their spa treatments. She was familiar with the line, having used a cleanser from it before. Clothed and robed individuals scanned keycards and bracelets for access to different things behind the reception area.
Her gaze of wonder was interrupted by a slender blonde woman in business casual attire arriving to escort her to the women's changing area.
"I'll see you in a few minutes," Ezra said, pecking her lips and handing her a keycard and bracelet before he went his own way, familiar with the building and everything inside.
She followed the woman, tapping her keycard on the sensor to open the small security gate. There was a lengthy staircase and two escalators leading up to or down from the main spa area. At the top, there were more people and a few signs that instructed her where to go.
Her traveling companion stuck close, pointing things out as they ventured to a room of smooth, wooden lockers with a shower facility. Nayeli entered the side labelled for women.
"Here is your locker number, and the number at the bottom is the room you and your husband will be in today. Both your bracelet and your keycard can be used for access to your private suite as well as the public spaces here. You can also use them to purchase any food, drinks, or products. When you're all changed, you go right through that door. It'll lead you to the treatment rooms. My name's Dorothy, and if you need anything, tell your service providers and they'll get the message to me. Don't hesitate to let us know if something isn't up to your standards," her escort said, handing her a piece of slick brown cardstock with gold print that addressed Nayeli by name and welcomed her to the spa.
"Enjoy your experience." Dorothy smiled politely and exited the changing room.
Nayeli found her locker and held her bracelet up to the small sensor. The lock beeped, flashed a blue light and clicked open. Inside, a freshly laundered robe and brand new pair of slippers waited for her. She plucked the hanger from the hook and moved into a bathroom stall to change, adding her clothes to the hanger and taking them back to her locker. After securing her things inside, she followed Dorothy's instructions and ended up in an expansive area that made her think twice about considering the decor modern minimalist.
The massive crystal chandelier hanging from the center of the ceiling destroyed that assumption. There was another bar and a dining area, lounge chairs, and a double staircase lined with glass that would take her where she needed to be.
She followed the signs to the treatment rooms, looking for the even numbers and walking until she found the suite that Ezra booked for the afternoon. He was already there, robed up and waiting in a massage chair near the door. He'd been deep in thought, but when he noticed her in the room, his eyes softened.
"This is nice." Taking in their surroundings, she rubbed the plush material that covered her body, "You buttering me up for bad news?" she asked.
"When have I ever done that?"
Ezra wasn't afraid to ruin anyone's day. If bad news was coming, he wouldn't have gone through the trouble of taking her out. Her paranoia was getting the better of her.
"I don't have an ulterior motive, Nayeli. We're always around other people. It's finally me and you, and I want to enjoy that." He reached for her, and she gladly stepped between his legs, holding his neck with both hands as she kissed between his eyebrows.
"I'm sorry for thinking the worst. Yesterday scared me," she admitted, body heating when his hands slid up the back of her legs underneath her robe. He gripped her hamstrings and moved her closer to him.
"Shit wasn't fun for me, either."
"I'm sorry for that, too. I should've given us all more time, but I honestly did think meeting up would help."
"How? And I'm not being funny or an asshole. How did you think that was gonna help?" he questioned.
"Everything runs smoothly when people get along. My hope was that at some point we'd all be able to meet in the middle and that this wouldn't have to be a situation where you guys had to fight for time and attention or feel like you have to fight at all. I want Isaiah to respect your place in my life just like I want you to respect his."
"You gotta give respect to get it."
"Take your own advice. You haven't exactly been Mary Poppins to him," she pointed out, "If we're doing this for real, I need you to find a way to be civil because I don't want you putting hands on each other."
"Then tell him to watch his mouth. We can finish talking about this later. Come on." He shifted her backward, stood up and grabbed her hand, leading her past the treatment tables to the other end of their suite where there was a sauna on one side and a steam room on the opposite side. They switched from robes to towels, and he opened the door for the sauna and let her in first. It was already heated to perfection.
"How'd you find this place?" she asked as they settled on the wide bench and got comfortable. She ran her fingers over the jade stones that made the walls surrounding them.
"Brandy found it back when I first moved here. This is where Heather works."
"The masseuse you booked for me after the Harvest Festival?"
Nayeli gasped and leaned against him, "Please tell me I get her today. She worked every knot out of me and put me to straight to sleep. I need that again."
"I requested her for you."
"Ugh, I love you to bits, I really do." She pressed multiple kisses to his cheek, ready to leave it there, but he pulled her onto his lap for access to her lips, too. The air in the room was already thick, but they added to it pawing at each other like animals in heat. Heads swiveling, she played with his tongue until it got too difficult to breathe and kiss at the same time, "You know we could've done this at home, right?" She only mentioned that because there were things she wanted to do that would be frowned upon if done in a public setting, things she'd been dying to do since he teased the hell out of her on his birthday. Almost every day since had been filled with them finding little ways to rile each other up, slow burn to build be damned.
"We could've, but I didn't want to. It's okay to do stuff out of the house, Shortcake. Just because we can have any and everything done at home doesn't mean we should. And Jessica's crew is deep cleaning today. You know she hates it when people are in their way."
"She hates it when you're in her way," Nayeli corrected playfully, "You don't know how to just let people do their job."
"I said something to her one time about the way she put up the mugs, and I only did that so you didn't have to climb on the counter or use a step stool to reach them with your short ass."
"RUDE! I prefer the term height challenged."
"Same shit." She pushed his face away when he tried to kiss her again, "Don't start acting funny now. You woke me up with my dick in your mouth the other day."
"It kept poking me in the ass!" she argued, "I had to put it down somehow." They laughed and leaned on each other, sharing more kisses as their bodies began to sweat. She was beyond happy that they'd found their way back to this place in their relationship. It was crazy how right it felt to be wrapped in his arms. All of that was why she felt so terrified about their upcoming conversation. What if he lied and this really was a last hurrah for them?
"Get out of your head, Nayeli," he told her, having felt her tense up in his lap. He cupped her chin to ensure that she was looking at him, "I meant what I said earlier. You got nothing to worry about. I love you." The way he pecked her lips had her melting on his legs.
"Mmm.....love me a little more."
Their mouths came together again, and he shifted her on his lap so her back was against his chest. He gently grabbed her throat and jaw, sliding his tongue into her mouth as he pulled her towel loose and caressed her stomach. She pressed into him, allowed him to roam the peaks and valleys of her body.
The feeling started in her chest, the flutter of a hummingbird's wings, then she could feel the blood moving through her veins. Her skin became hypersensitive, and she panted weakly when her nipples became his playthings. He twisted them, pinched them, tugged them, moved her body again to suck on them. She slowly rocked back and forth on his hardening dick, stimulating him as he stimulated her. He groaned in her ear, the sound sending shockwaves to her heat like they were connected via bluetooth.
"Lay back," he said after he'd taken her towel and spread it out on the bench. She was slightly nervous, never having ventured outside of a home for sexual activity. She didn't know the rules of the spa, but she was sure this act wouldn't be celebrated if they got caught.
When she expressed as much, Ezra told her to trust him. Already leaking and at his mercy, she simply nodded and let him send her to a different realm with his mouth. He devoured her like he'd never know peace if he didn't, slurping so many orgasms out of her that her legs and feet went numb. She was staring at the ceiling in confusion, struggling to get air into her lungs. She thought he finished, but he merely gave her a break before making her question whether or not she was still on earth.
Overstimulated, she pushed his head away and closed her legs, flipping him off when she heard him laughing at her.
"Why would you do that to me?" she whispered, her body still trembling as it came down from euphoria.
"That's payback for the time you made me bust my ass in the shower and almost gave me a concussion."
"Touché." She'd laughed at him then, too.
Ezra sat by her head, stroking her hair as her nervous system regulated itself and she regained all sensation. Once she felt like she could move without getting lightheaded, she sat up and attacked his lips, proceeding to do the same to him.
If he was standing, his legs would've buckled, and she took pride in making him moan like a virgin. He had such a tight grip on her hair that she started to struggle to move. She ceased all movement when he began to thrust into her mouth, letting him use her throat because she knew he liked it. She gagged. Her eyes watered. Saliva covered her lips and chin, and she took it, gripping his thighs as he went all the way down her throat.
He pulled out to let her breathe, and to calm himself, but she followed him and swallowed him down once again. He didn't make it another ten seconds before he emptied his balls with a loud grunt and string of expletives. Satisfied with her work, she got off of her knees and crawled back into his lap.
Ezra was still trying to catch his breath, but he managed to sit up and kiss her deeply, the taste of them both mixing on their tongues. Right then and there, he wanted to split her open. He'd been holding back for weeks, beating his dick when she wasn't around to raunchy thoughts of them. He was more than ready for dreams to become a reality, but whenever they got too close, she'd pull back. She wasn't pulling back this time.
She interrupted him, already knowing where his head was at and agreeing, "I'm going to give you all of me," she promised, kissing all over his mouth. He grabbed her head, stopping her motion and staring into her eyes.
"Don't play like that," he said, nervously waiting for her to take it back. She grinned and kissed him again.
"I would never. You've waited long enough. I've waited long enough."
Ezra didn't even want to stay for the rest of their itinerary. They were scheduled to get massages, body scrubs, and facials, and he was ready to cancel all of it, "Let's go." He stood up and carried her with him. She laughed as she tried to make her feet touch the floor.
"No. We are not wasting this trip. I want my massage. Tati is gone for the night. We have plenty of time for that."
They did, but Ezra wanted it now. It was impossible not to. Tucking herself back into her towel, Nayeli stepped out of the sauna first and almost stepped right back in. Both masseuses were present, waiting for them at the treatment tables with knowing looks on their faces. She worried about how much they heard and prayed that it wasn't much, but she was embarrassed all the same.
Heather recognized her and smiled, making brief small talk as Nayeli and Ezra got situated in their respective spots. From there, Nayeli turned her brain off and let the tension leave her body as Heather loosened the knots in her traps first. Slowly slipping out of consciousness, she vaguely heard Ezra say something and hummed a response before she was out like a light.
Sweet dreams danced in the valleys of her subconscious; hours of frolicking in the ocean with the loves of her life, blended family days, more littles running around. She dreamt of smiles and laughter and Christmas cookie baking. She dreamt of sharing secrets with her daughters and teaching her sons to be good men. In the realm of possibilities, she saw nothing but good things ahead.
When she came to, she was dizzy, but Ezra was prepared, having felt similar. Because massages could make one dehydrated, he had detox water ready for her, sticking by her side as she rehydrated herself and their day continued. The body scrub had her skin feeling like she shed ten layers, and after her facial, her whole body felt like new.
She returned to the changing room, disposing of her robe and slippers according to instruction. Back in her clothes, she headed for the escalator to meet Ezra. He waited for her near a monstera plant, his expression lighting up when he saw her. It was time to pay the piper, and a nervous excitement filled her limbs as he wrapped his hand around hers and tugged her back down to the first level. They returned their keycards and bracelets.
"That was amazing. Thank you," she said while they waited for the valet to bring his car back around.
"You're welcome, baby. You can come back here anytime you need to. We got a membership. You just call to book a time slot, or I can book it for you. Either way, it's all you."
Yeah, he was definitely getting the nani when they got back to the house. She was tempted to give it to him in the car, but his Lambo had limited space. It would've been easy to accomplish in the Maybach, though.
They were both frustrated on the way back, seemingly catching every light and getting stuck behind the slowest drivers. By the time they made it to Oceanview, Nayeli's nervous excitement turn to straight nervousness because she had nothing but time, space, and opportunity to think herself into a downward spiral.
She dragged her feet after he parked, all the tension she had worked out of her body slowly building back up. She hated this feeling; the feeling of possibly not meeting expectations.
It was the same fear she always had with him and part of the reason she chose to keep sucking him off. It was one thing she knew she could do well. She was never really the type to take control in the bedroom. She was too inexperienced. Even with Isaiah, she let him take the lead.
But with Ezra, she wanted to impress him. Always had. It felt like a necessity when he'd had a wide variety of women please him with different techniques. She worried that she'd be too vanilla despite him telling her that he wasn't into anything crazy. What was crazy to one wasn't crazy to all. She just wanted to knock his socks off and make him drool.
"What's wrong? You look stressed all over again," he said, pulling her into the bathroom with him and turning on the shower.
"If I'm bad, you'll tell me, right?" she asked. It took everything in Ezra not to say the first thing that popped into his head. It wasn't polite, and he didn't want to completely ruin the moment.
"Why do you think you'll be bad at sex?"
"It's more of me being worried about not living up to your standards. I'm sure you've had the best of the best, and I'm.......well, me."
"You are the best of the best because you're you, and I love you. That's all we need for this to be perfect. Just trust me, okay?" She had to step out on faith at some point.
They showered together, soaping each other up and down until their tongues and limbs tangled underneath the hot spray of water. Steam fogged the glass walls, Nayeli's back and handprint the only spots that could be seen out of. Ezra couldn't stop touching her, his hands everywhere in and out of the shower.
She was grateful for the towel warmer she put him on to. He stepped out first and lightly dried her off, knowing she still liked to be damp when she lotioned down. It keeps your skin moisturized, she'd explained to him months back. He couldn't deny that he saw a difference in his skin when he started to do the same thing.
Finished in the bathroom, they discarded the towels and climbed into his bed naked, the fresh sheets cool against their heated skin. For a while, they did nothing but lay next to each other. Ezra didn't want to push her too far, and she was still battling nerves. He wanted to give her time to back out.
Eventually, she told herself it was now or never and to stop being a pussy. The man fell in love with her before they ever saw each other naked, and push come to shove, if she wasn't up to par, she had something she knew she could fall back on and wreck him with every time. Maybe her power wasn't between her legs but between her jaws.
Nayeli made the first move, bringing his hand to her wetness to let him know that she was ready. He kissed her slowly. Sensually. His lips made her tingle all over. Or maybe it was the teasing touches to her pearl.
She was slippery and hot, eager to spread her legs and receive more touches. Ezra's expert fingers played with her until she was a whimpering mess lying in a damp spot only to take it a step further and disappear beneath the blanket covering them. That damp spot quickly became a wet spot.
A yelp left her throat when he sucked her clit, unprepared for the level of sensitivity or the double assault of his mouth and fingers. Everything from her pelvis down quivered as he brought her to three releases before he ever came up for air. She was delirious with a raw throat, and the lower half of his face was soaked in her essence. She wasn't sure she would make it through full-blown sex.
"You okay?" he asked her, kissing her neck before he got up to get the box of condoms from the bathroom. Now that his woman had come home, he could put them in the drawer to have on hand.
"I think so," she sighed, parting her arms and legs to welcome him back into her space. He handed her an unopened condom, and she stared at the packaging. Something in her wanted to be reckless. They could be. She was on birth control, although some in her congregation would shame her if they knew, and they'd both gotten tested. STD free, they didn't need the condom, but she opened it and rolled it onto him anyway.
He hissed at her touch, hips jerking because he was hot, hard as a brick, and more than ready to dig her out. He had to pull himself together so he didn't slam right into her like the feral side of him wanted to do. The normal side of him didn't want their first time together to be hard and fast, so despite leaking precum into latex, he played with her some more to ensure that she was relaxed and enjoying herself.
It wasn't until she begged for closer contact that he held her legs apart and slipped halfway into the moistness that was made for him. Her body stopped them both there, her mewling beneath him as he tried to think of anything that would keep him from nutting if he pressed in further. She was too snug around him, too warm around him, too right around him. And watching her make love faces did nothing to help him, so he shut his eyes tight.
Nayeli took deep breaths, her nails digging into his arms as he stretched her more than she ever had been. It was the wrong time for comparisons, but she couldn't help it. While Ezra and Isaiah were similar in length, Ezra had more girth, and she was paying for it. Breathing helped. Wiggling helped, but really she just wanted him to move.
"I'm okay, baby. You can move," she said, hiding a wince.
"That's good for you, but I'm not," he said back through clenched teeth, still trying to hold off. He lightly popped her thigh when heard her giggling, "Shit's not funny. You kept good pussy from me, and now I gotta figure out how not to embarrass myself."
"Let it happen. It's just me, and we have the rest of the night to go slow."
She might giggle some more, but she would never truly clown him for a quick nut. If anything, it would boost her self-confidence. However, Ezra wasn't down to go out like that. He kissed her until he felt like he was in safe territory and pushed forward.
Nayeli's mouth fell open, and he wanted to record the sound she made and play it on a loop forever. One of the hands clawing at his arms switched to his neck. She locked her ankles behind his back, holding on for dear life as he stroked her so slow and deep that her mind went completely blank. She wanted to say something, anything, but couldn't find the words.
Periodically, Ezra would stop, giving himself a break because he didn't want to be a selfish lover and finish before her. When that happened, she reassured him, holding his face and kissing him as she whispered words of love and encouragement even though he was unintentionally edging her and it was frustrating as hell.
His forehead on hers, he resumed his stroking, his shudders becoming hers as they held tight to each other.
"Yes, yes, yes," she whimpered, biting her lip so hard she nearly drew blood, "Don't stop." He didn't, digging deeper into her soul and leaving his mark, his name now permanently etched into her walls. They held eye contact, and Nayeli saw every ounce of love that Ezra had for her shining in his eyes.
She stretched up to kiss his lips, tears forming and rolling down her cheeks and into her hair when she laid flat.
"I love you," he told her, a tear of his own dropping onto her cheek. Another followed, and neither knew what hit them as heavy waves of emotions crashed over them.
"I love you," she repeated and sniffed, wiping his eyes for him before she clenched, convulsed and came all over him. He paused to give her a second and dry her face, too, taking another just to kiss her back to normal.
Minutes later, she'd come again, and he finally let go with a moan so loud it scared her. He might as well have shouted. Then all that could be heard in the room was their heavy breathing. Bodies sticky, they didn't separate until they were ready, Ezra going into the bathroom for a hand towel to clean up and to toss the condom. He wiped her first and carried her to the toilet so she could pee, cleaning himself in the meantime.
Back in the bed, Nayeli lay with her eyes closed, satisfied and sleepy, hand on Ezra's head as he left lazy kisses along her naked upper body.
"So worth the wait," she whispered, cuddling him when he buried his face in her neck. He agreed. At one point, he was hung up on the fact that she wouldn't go beyond oral. His mind had taken him all kinds of places, but he was glad they made the decisions that they did. He knew they would be stronger for it. They'd been through the fire and could rest for a while.
"I hope you know I'm never coming up off you again," he said, ready for rounds two through seven.
"Please don't." They shared a smile, and he shifted until they were eye level at the pillows. Her curls were a wild mess, and he loved them, touching the tangled ringlets affectionately.
Nothing could sour that moment for him. Every doubt he had in his mind about the way she felt about him had been alleviated. Seeing tears of joy and pleasure stream down her face while his own built up and fell on her cheeks solidified their bond. They were in love. He felt it, and he never wanted to let that feeling go.
"I can't believe I almost lost you for good," he said, his fingers traveling the length of her body to bring her leg over him. He held her waist and stroked her ribs with his thumb, "Don't ever let me be that dumb again. If I try to leave, just tell me to go eat a Snickers or something." Her laughter was music to his ears, making heart grow in his chest.
"I would love to do that." She kissed his nose, "But what if a Snickers isn't enough?"
"Nayeli, you're not hearing me."
"I am. Loud and clear, but I've been naive long enough. Now I'm being realistic. We have to be." The day was winding down, and they both knew that it was time to address what they'd been avoiding, "What if a Snickers isn't enough?" she asked again, her post-coital high officially gone.
"Then we try a different candy, and if that one doesn't work, we keep trying until there's nothing left to try. Me and you for life."
Nayeli held his face with one hand and searched his eyes for the glimmer of doubt she didn't want to see or feel. It was only the two of them in the room, and she knew he wanted to keep it that way for a little while longer.
But she couldn't pretend that her love for another person didn't exist. She couldn't pretend that the last 24 hours hadn't taken place. They'd spent the day relaxing like Ezra wanted, and now they had to deal with reality.
"If it's me and you for life, we have some things to iron out," she said, "Starting with us talking about last night."
Ezra's loud exhale made her tense. She didn't want to upset the balance of their near perfect day, but it needed to be done. Ezra couldn't argue with that. He asked to revisit the conversation, so as much as he wanted to act like it never happened after the mind-blowing session they'd just finished, they had to talk about it.
Running a hand down his face, he looked Nayeli in the eye and said, "You kinda fucked me up with that, Shortcake." It was partially his fault because he agreed to show up. She didn't blindside him with Isaiah's presence. He walked in with his eyes wide open. He just didn't like the outcome, nor did he want to relive it.
"That wasn't my intention."
"I know it wasn't, but how would you feel if I told you another woman was the other half of my soul?" That was what fucked him up the most. Thinking about it made him want to get angry, but he held it together for both of their sakes.
"Hurt. Pissed. Unappreciated," she answered and pecked his lips because she never wanted him to feel that way, "I'm sorry."
"Thank you." He couldn't say that it was okay because it wasn't. However, her remorse made it easier to swallow. If she didn't feel bad, there would be no conversation to have, "That is how I felt at first. I can't say that feeling has completely gone away, but I had time to think about all of it, and I realize the position you were in. I saw how much it stressed you out trying to make sure that we both felt equal. I appreciate you wanting things to be fair and making the extra effort even though that's not how I felt in that moment. I don't think you'd willingly and consistently put yourself through that kind of stress unless you really do love both of us and want this to work."
"I do. Love you both and want it to work. I wish I could make another me so you each could have one. Or that I could be in two places at once."
"Does a world exist where you only love one of us?"
"I don't think so, no. I know it's not the easiest situation to be in. The only comfort I can offer is that my love for him doesn't take away from my love for you. It doesn't even feel the same to me."
"The best way I can describe it is like summer and winter. Two beautiful extremes that bring different things out of me. Isaiah is summer; bathing suits, beach days, ice cream and popsicles. You're winter; thick, weighted blankets and slipper socks, hot chocolate with whipped cream, seafood gumbo with all the fixings. You make me want to stay in and cuddle, cook dinner and watch movies, plan family trips and dress up in matching outfits and pajamas. You make me feel like a wife which is what I've always wanted. It's one of the best feelings in the world to me. He makes me feel like my spirit is free and that I have no worries. I've never had that feeling before. When I'm struggling to regulate my emotions, he's really good at grounding me. It's just different, but all together, it makes me feel complete. I feel more like myself than I ever have with you both," she explained to the best of her ability, hoping that her words were sufficient, "Please try to understand where I'm coming from."
"I do understand where you're coming from," he said. With a breakdown like that, it was hard to miss, "I just wish you felt like that without him. Your boyfriend talks a lot of shit, and I'm not dealing with that."
"I didn't know he was going to behave that way. He's not like that with me or anyone else I know. I thought he would be less of an asshole."
"I didn't. I did expect you to be there at the same time as us, though. We could've avoided all that."
"I was there," Nayeli confessed, head dipped and eyes lowered apologetically, "I got there right after he did and watched you guys from the bar."
"Why?" Ezra was more annoyed than upset, but he was unhappy about it all the same. The entire ordeal was unnecessary.
"I wanted to see if you guys could play nice without me there. I realize that it was a bad judgment call, and I'm sorry for making the experience more uncomfortable than it needed to be. It was me trying to give people the benefit of the doubt again. I had more faith in both of you than I should have. I'm not trying to insult either of you by saying that. Given the circumstances and past run ins, I should've known it was going to backfire. Isaiah has a problem with the way you've treated me. He's expressed that more than once. It's my fault for confiding in him, but I guess until he feels like you're not going to hurt me again, he sees no reason to be kind."
"You know what? I can respect that. At least I know he rides for you. I still think he's a bitch, but if he came at me on some brotherhood shit, I'd probably respect him less." Ezra frowned when Nayeli popped his arm.
"Stop referring to him that way. He's never called you out of your name," she scolded.
"I don't care if he does or doesn't. We're not cool like that."
"I care, Ezra. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about respect. I'm not taking that crap from him either. You mean the world to me, and so does he. The last thing I want is you two at each other's throats."
"Don't put us in the same room then. He came at me first anyway. I didn't go in there with the best attitude, but he was talking big shit as soon as he got to the table. I wasn't about to sit there and take it," he told her.
"Okay, that I understand, but in the future, I don't want you guys taking shots at each other, period. If I need to have that conversation with him again, I will."
It wasn't about a conversation to Ezra. He just didn't see himself getting to a place of being cool with hanging out as a group or being cool with Isaiah in general. The existence of their relationship already didn't sit right with him. It felt like an obstacle he'd never be able to jump over or go around. It felt like a slap in the face. It felt like he alone wasn't enough for her, and that wasn't a good feeling.
"I really don't want to share you, Nayeli." He was just being honest. He didn't want to think about the nights she wouldn't be next to him but he'd know exactly where she was and who she was with. He didn't want to think about her kissing another man, lying down with another man, telling another man that she loved him. He didn't want any details or interaction at all.
Nayeli sat up, winding her tangled curls into a raggedy bun that flopped and fell loose as she scooted to the side of the bed. That was it, the end of the conversation. There was nothing left to be said. They wanted different things, and she wasn't going to force it. They had a nice goodbye. She planned to hold on to the positive feelings because at the end of the day, she still loved him with everything in her, and they still had a little girl to co-parent, a little girl she wanted to raise in love and understanding.
Her feet hit the floor, and she picked up her bra and romper, clipping the undergarment into place, stepping into the romper and pulling the straps over her arms.
"Home," she said quietly to hide the fact that her voice was shaky with sadness. She didn't want him to see her cry, unwilling to use her tears as a weapon to get what she wanted. When her vision blurred, she picked up the front of her romper and dried her eyes. She felt like she shouldn't have agreed to talk. He told her what was what the day before. They were just going through the motions now.
"Come on, don't do this to me." Regardless of whether he saw them or not, Ezra could tell by her posture and the rapid lifting of her shoulders that she was in tears and attempting to hide it.
"I'm not trying to do anything. I get it. Honestly, I do, and I respect the choice you're making. It's the one you were most likely to make from the beginning. I'm okay with just being co-parents." Swiping her bunched up socks from the ground, she pulled them on and dabbed her eyes once more before she faced him. He was closer now, lying on her vacated spot of the mattress and reaching for her. As her feet brought her back to him, another tear slipped down her cheek.
"Baby, chill. I swear you really don't listen sometimes. I didn't say anything about only being co-parents. I want you to know how I feel. I'm not asking you to leave. I'm not saying we can't be together," he said, thumbing away the saltwater, "When you told me what was going on that night we decided to work on us, and I said I would be okay with everything, I didn't expect it to be in my face. I figured you'd do what you do, and that was it. I wouldn't have to hear about it, and I could just act like it wasn't happening. I feel like I would've been able to handle it that way but seeing him and seeing you with him put it into perspective for me. Hearing you explain how you love us but don't feel the same about us did, too. We have completely different relationships with you."
"Yes, but they're both important to me," she rushed to say, anticipation enlarging the lump in her throat.
"I know they are, and I'm trying to be cognizant of that because it doesn't feel good to think that your connection with him is stronger or that I'm not enough for you."
"Ezra, God has had His hand on us since I was ten. All the damage that's been done between us, and I'd still turn the world upside down for you if you asked. I don't view you as inadequate in any way, shape or form, and I don't want you to think of yourself that way either. The strength of my connection with Isaiah comes from the ease of our relationship. We don't fight the way other couples fight. That's it. But the fact that I want to be with you despite all that we've been through should tell you how strong our connection is. That should tell you how much I love you." Because there were many women that would've ran for the hills and never looked back in her shoes. Anyone that valued their peace would've bounced after incident one with Savannah. She valued her peace, but she loved Ezra more.
"You think he's your soulmate, Nayeli."
"If you felt the same way about me, you would've said it. You made a point to say it about him."
"You asked me to explain why I loved him. Why did you ask if you didn't want the real answer?"
"Because I needed to know what I was up against. He had no problem saying he's the better option for you, and I wanted to know if you agreed. It sounded like you do, so do you?"
"Just answer me," he interrupted the long explanation before she got started. He didn't want anything more than a yes or a no.
"If by better option you mean easier, yes, I agree."
"I don't mean easier. I mean better. Do you think he could make you happier than I could?"
"Nobody has ever been able to replicate the way you make me feel."
"That's cute, but you're not answering my question."
Nayeli let out a loud sigh of frustration and pressed her fingers to her temples, circling slowly to help relieve the headache building from the tears she let out and the ones she was still holding back, "On paper, sure, he appears to be the better option. We don't have history riddled with conflict, but you're asking me to make a claim that I cannot and will not make. You're asking me to choose, and I'm telling you now that I'm not choosing between the two of you. No one is better than the other. You can ask as many times and as many different ways as you want. The answer will always be the same," she stated, the tone of finality laced so deep in her words that Ezra felt if he asked again, she'd take a belt to his ass like his mom used to before he surpassed her in size.
That stopped him from arguing, but it didn't stop him from worrying. She felt that way then and there. Who's to say her mind wouldn't change? That she wouldn't fall out of love with one or both of them? So many concerns popped up in his head that for a minute, he couldn't look at her.
He wasn't being irrational. His concerns were real, but they were real with or without Isaiah in the picture. She could wake up one day and not want anything to do with him. He screwed things up with Nayeli before when he had the opportunity to have her to himself. He'd abandoned her, mistreated her, intentionally disrespected her. It was by the grace of God that he even got a second chance. She would probably always have one foot out the door with him.
Fear was fear, and he could either continue allowing that to destroy his relationship with the only woman he ever loved deeply, or he could man up and allow her to be happy. She never asked him for anything, and she was offering freedom. Granted, he didn't want it, but it was on the table. She wasn't being unfair, yet he had been. He needed to make that right.
"Going forward, I don't want to know anything. I'm not doing the calendar shit. I don't wanna kick it with your other dude. I already know I'll see you because of Tati. Just make sure we have time to ourselves," he said after a long bout of silence. It was followed by another, and he looked up to find her studying him. Her eyes were wide and shifty, teeth embedded in her bottom lip. When she lifted her hand to touch him, he saw her shaking.
"We're gonna make it work?" she asked faintly, her voice no louder with a whisper. He covered her hand with his and brought her fingers to his lips.
"For now, yeah." She threw herself at him, locking her arms around his neck and burying her face in it. He held her, kissed her hair and rested his cheek on her head. He felt like they were exactly where they needed to be, so he didn't move, but that wasn't the end of their conversation, "We still have other stuff to talk about. You never answered me when I brought up marriage and kids."
"I feel like that's a ways down the line, but I didn't answer because I hadn't given it any serious thought. The few times I did think about it, in my mind it was always both of you. Well, it was a husband and a boyfriend at first and then it morphed, but you made a good point. Legally, I can't marry you both. I want to. I'd like to be everything to both of you, but choosing who goes first and who's on paper means choosing. I'm not doing that."
Hearing her reiterate that she refused to choose was bittersweet because it meant that she wouldn't leave him, but it also meant that she would never leave Isaiah. If he was unhappy, he would have to be the one to walk away.
"What do you want out of this?" he asked to gauge just how much he would have to endure to be with her.
"I want a farm, a family compound and for everyone to live together happily. I want a village," she answered, and the look on his face made her regret it.
"You want me and that nigga living in the same house?! Is that what you just said to me?" The volume of his voice had her cringing. She slipped off of him and pulled her knees to her chest like that would protect her.
"And any partners you guys might have in the future."
"Dead that. If you're my wife, I'm not bringing another bitch in our house. Home is sacred," he said, unwilling to have a longer discussion about it. He had no desire to come up with sleeping arrangements or explain things to Tati. Nah, they couldn't all live in the same house, "Are you even sure you want me to see other women?"
"I told you. I don't feel like it's right for me to say no but spend half my time with another man."
"Don't think about what's right. Think about what you want."
"I've already explained that—"
"Yes or no, Nayeli," he cut her off.
"No," she admitted because he wouldn't stop badgering her until she did, "But I will learn to be okay with it." She was confident that she could. Not being a confrontational person would always work out in her favor.
"Then I want to talk to Blair."
Nayeli's attitude changed quickly. She recognized that name and wondered why he chose to mention her specifically. Blair was one of the trio trollops. Was he trying to bring her in?
"She and her husband have an open relationship. We'll find out how they make it work and see if we can apply it here."
"You want to talk to her together?" she clarified because she wasn't sure where he was going with his idea.
"I'll talk to her first, see if it's even worth bringing this way. If it is, then yeah, I wanna talk to her together."
"I'm not opposed to that." How could she be when she asked Isaiah to set up a meeting with Aubrie weeks ago? To deny Ezra a similar option would be hypocritical, but she had more questions to ask, "Are you still sleeping with her?"
"Not since we got back from Antigua." They were steadily coming up on a month of being back home, and as he promised while they were there, he worked hard to prove that he was a man that learned from his mistakes. She hadn't thought to question him about the women he was seeing before they left, probably because he consistently expressed that they meant nothing and would disappear if she said so. Still, she had to get used to the thought of there being others.
He shook his head, "We don't have that kind of relationship. We fuck and go our separate ways." Which was going to make arranging a sit down difficult. Blair was a regular at his gym. That was how he met her, but she had responsibilities and she was serious about them. When they set up their rules, she was clear about her husband and children coming first. She was career oriented, a marketing executive without much free time on her hands. They met in hotels and left when the deed was done. It was cut and dry, and he assumed she wouldn't be up for what he was thinking. But closed mouths didn't get fed.
"There was never anything for us to talk about. We served a purpose to each other. That was it."
"You're funny, Shortcake," he chuckled at Nayeli turning green with silent envy. It was only a small taste of what he felt, but she could empathize. And like everything else, she handled that feeing better than he did. Even with her lips mashed together and her defensive posture, she displayed no hostility toward him, "She's not my favorite. We have an understanding, and she gave me the least amount of problems. It was convenient and unemotional. I needed that at the time."
"Have you thought about finding someone that wasn't convenient and unemotional?"
"My heart is with you, so no."
That made Nayeli sad. She didn't want to be his only source of love and affection when she had two. The idea of him going without anything, even for a short period of time, didn't sit right with her. Until he found another special woman to share his life with, she would work overtime to make up for the hole she was leaving behind when she ventured to the other side of the city.
"I'm proud of us," she said as he pulled the straps of her romper down and got to work undoing her bra for the second time, "I think this is the most productive conversation we've ever had. Look at us, being adults and what not."
"It's a lot easier than fighting, that's for damn sure." It took more patience, too much thought, and even more self control, but even he had to admit that the outcome was far better than having to apologize for words and actions that were never meant to manifest.
Wiggling and adjusting her body so they could work together to get her clothes back off, Nayeli pressed herself against him once she was nude again. As they lay facing each other, they shared dimpled smiles at the fact that they were finally starting to figure themselves out, "Thank you. For trying. I promise I'll do my best to make sure you never feel neglected."
Ezra knew it was true. There were still plenty of worries in the back of his mind, but the longer he dwelled on them, the more he would miss out on, "Hopefully this shit don't bite me in the ass. Who was the husband, though?" he asked.
She decided to stroke his ego for a minute. He deserved it, but she hoped it didn't fill his head with too much hot air because in a perfect world, she'd have two, "You were."
Success looked different to everyone. That was something Nayeli knew but had recently come to terms with on a personal level. For her circumstances, she was extremely successful, but she didn't feel like it.
For the last ten days, she'd been in a perpetual state of 'am I doing the right thing'? Because balance was difficult to maintain with three different schedules to consider. She saw Ezra most mornings, having done a few school drop-offs together. The days Isaiah didn't have to work, he met her between 12 and 1 at the bakery, and they went from there. It sounded simple, but like any other productive adult, they ran into issues.
There were times one would ask to see her when she wanted to spend time with the other, no showing favoritism, just leaning a different way. She wished she could've gotten Ezra to agree to the Google calendar. Then it wouldn't be a question of where she wanted to be or when. The wanting itself was another personal struggle.
She was struggling with attachment issues, though she believed those stemmed from a new level of intimacy being unlocked between her and Ezra. Most of the day, she just wanted to feel his weight on her, inhale the scent of his skin, slide her tongue all over his body. It was disgusting how badly she wanted him to wreck her over and over again, but she wasn't ashamed.
There were other things to be ashamed of.
Mid-week, she was supposed to be cooking dinner with Isaiah, but she asked him to wait so she could stop by her sister's place. She needed to vent, and Maxine was the only trusted party in her camp. The rest of her people would remain in the dark until she found herself on better footing. Maybe even then.
They'd reached the time of year that gave them shorter days, and Nayeli rubbed her bare arms to fight against the goosebumps rising on her skin from the evening breeze. She tapped the button on her key fob to lock her car and used her spare key to let herself into her sister's home.
She could hear Gracie's Corner playing from the den, dancing her way out of shoes and into the living room with her family. Lanai was in her bouncer next to the recliner trying to find the beat with drool dribbling out of her open mouth. She had one tooth starting to break through her gums and relieved the itch by biting down on a teething ring.
"Stop growing so fast!" Nayeli whined, walking over and bending down to pick Lanai up.
"DEEEEEEEE!" Lanai squealed and kicked her little legs. She rested her head on Nayeli's shoulder when the latter had her comfortably in her arms. Nayeli smooched her chubby cheek and bounced her.
"You're getting too big too quick. Soon you'll be running around and I won't be able to keep up."
"That's her goal. She tried to run from me yesterday when I told her it was bath time. Her little ass is swift! I looked away for two seconds and she was gone!" Max entered the room from the kitchen shaking her head and a bottle of formula, "If it wasn't for her walker being so damn loud, I wouldn't have known where she was."
"You're gonna have to put up a fence or something. Where are Diesel and Stella?"
"Church. You know she likes going to Filipino mass and bible study. She wants him more immersed with that side of the family."
"He spends almost every weekend with them," Nayeli said, pulling Lanai's fingers off of her earring.
"She wants him to be fluent in Tagalog. She's been speaking it around the house more. Probably so she can talk shit without me knowing. Enough about that, though. She pissed me off before she left, and I don't have the energy to entertain her bullshit. You dropping by in the middle of the week means you want to talk about something. Pour the tea. My cup is empty and ready."
The setting wasn't prepared. She needed a small glass of wine, but she decided to be responsible. Sliding Lanai back into her bouncer and handing her the bottle, Nayeli tucked her feet as she sat on the couch and placed her folded hands in her lap.
Sweat dampened her palms. Her eyes shifted around the room, leg muscles tensed. Even with the person she probably trusted the most out of everyone in her life, she was unsure of what was to come of their conversation, if Maxine would view her differently. She worried that the bond she cherished would change and then who would she have to go to?
Nerves wrecked, she didn't know where to start, so she said fuck it.
"Max, I have to be the dumbest bitch to ever walk the planet."
Not expecting that sentence to come out of her baby sister's mouth, Max threw her head back and cackled loud enough to make Lanai jump at the sound, "What makes you say that?" she asked once she got herself together and realized that Nayeli wasn't the least bit amused and actually had a serious matter to discuss.
"......Okay? You did something like what?"
"I tried to have dinner with Ezra and Isaiah."
Max laughed again, this one shorter and less obnoxious but it made her point, "You already started off wrong. Go 'head. Tell me what happened."
"Trying to be a fair person gets me absolutely nowhere," Nayeli huffed.
"Some people will argue that "fair" is a subjective term."
"I'm using it the way a child would. 50/50, you scratch my back, I scratch yours kind of thing."
"Nothing is ever 50/50 to men. They either expect you to do more, or they'll do more under certain conditions. Don't look to them for equality."
"I wasn't looking to them for it. I was trying to make sure they both felt it from me."
"I'm not following," Max said.
"So you know how I was gone for like half of August?"
"I'm the one that checked on your house, fool. Yes, I know."
"Well Ezra and I talked while we were there, and I was honest with him about everything. My feelings for him, about my relationship with Isaiah, all of it. He wanted to get back together and I just had to be real about what that was going to look like because I have no reason to break up with Isaiah but I do want to experience everything life has to offer with Ezra. He wasn't completely down, but he said okay. Like we came to a whole understanding about it, and like yeah I should've known that getting them together was probably gonna go sideways, but I was trying to keep hope alive. You tell me something's okay, I'm going to take you at your word—"
"That was mistake number one," Max interrupted.
"Context matters. You can't take some people at their word for simple shit that requires logic. Throw emotions in there and it can get muddy real quick. I don't doubt he meant what he said at the time. Y'all were out of the country trying to figure out how to make a relationship work. If accepting Isaiah is what he needed to do to get you back and he wasn't willing to let you walk, of course he's going to say okay, but it's different to consider something in theory and have it staring you in the face."
With Ezra expressing a similar sentiment, Nayeli understood his reaction better. Even respected it. She respected him more for the way he handled the following day, though.
"When you put it that way, I see the issue, but within this circumstance, I don't necessarily agree. Why wouldn't I trust what he tells me? Ezra is a lot of things, but he's not a liar."
"I'm not saying he's a liar. I'm saying emotions are complex and can easily change or sway a decision. Emotion made him say okay. Emotion also changed his mind, and you should've accounted for that."
"Good point," Nayeli sighed and dropped her head.
"Don't get discouraged," Max reached over to grab her hand so she didn't feel alone or unheard, "I'm not trying to shit on you, and I don't think you're the dumbest bitch to ever walk the planet. I think you're trying to do something you aren't prepared to do, and like anything else, that's going to present you with challenges. But please know that I am on your side, thoroughly entertained and very much invested, so continue." Squirming in her seat, she waited for the next hot pour with her mouth stretched into a grin. At that moment, Nayeli wondered why she was worried and let loose.
"After we got back from Antigua, I let the dust settle for a couple of weeks. I wanted to develop a routine with Ezra because we agreed to take things a little slower this time around, and if we let it flow, I knew we'd end up like we did the first time which is just under each other's asses constantly. But in those two weeks of us being back home, I was so stressed, I almost took a second vacation and I can't even do that right now."
"Why were you that stressed? You had to balance time between them before because of Tati."
"It was easy when Ezra and I were just co-parenting. We saw each other for a few minutes to a couple of hours max, and that only happened if Tati wanted me to cook dinner on one of Ezra's nights. Coordinating pick ups and drop offs was never an issue, but balancing while dating is a whole separate monster. Isaiah and Ezra came to visit me at work on the same day and literally missed each other by like two minutes once. I'm not joking. Another day, I made dinner plans with Ezra, and Isaiah asked me to come over that night and I had to tell him that I was busy. I haven't told him that in months. One day I double booked! I just saw things getting messy so I tried to simplify them. I thought if we worked out a schedule, we could avoid any potential overlap. I told them both to meet me for dinner at that seafood place by The Bungalows, but I let them talk first."
"Oh, you're bold. Whose child are you?" Max was so tickled that she might as well have been in the audience at a stand up show, "I really like where this is going. Continue."
"I said I was running late, but I got there right after Isaiah. I waited until he was inside and then went to the other side of the restaurant and sat at the bar to watch them. I wanted to see how they interacted without me."
"I bet it was a fucking mess."
"It looked like it was going alright at first, but then Isaiah started talking and it was obvious that whatever he said hit a nerve. I could just see a shit storm brewing. I hauled ass over there and they were both pissed. Why are you laughing?"
"Because you're describing this like you thought it was going to go better."
"Wh—Nayeli...Baby Love, we've been over this more than once. I'm gonna hold your hand as I tell you again. EJ LITERALLY swung at that man and didn't even know his name. In front of our father and a park of full of first responders before he knew you slept with him and before he knew you're in love with him. You let them sit at a table alone, and no blood was shed. I'd be counting blessings if I were you." In truth, Max thought the outcome was far better than Nayeli could've hoped for. She'd gotten lucky, all things considered, but Max didn't want to say it out loud.
"Don't tell me that. I want them to eventually get along. I'm not saying they need to be BFFs, but at the very least I want them to be able to acknowledge each other and have a civilized conversation."
"I love this level of delusional on you. It's so cute."
"I'm not delusional. There are people that make this work."
"I know that. I have friends that are poly. I'm sure you can make it work, too, but not with the men you've chosen. There's bad blood between them, and they've both gotten to experience you on their own. Why would they want to share?"
"Because it'll make me happy, and they'll have an opportunity to pursue other women. Isn't that what every man wants?" Nayeli asked, voice lifting an octave out of frustration.
"I won't pretend I know what every man wants. I stopped caring about men in 2004. I mean, yeah, they want to be able to have their cake and eat it too. That usually doesn't involve the woman also getting her rocks off with someone else unless they are invited to join or watch. And honestly, Duckie, you're one of the lucky ones. You've never been cheated on. Men adore you. EJ and Isaiah adore you. I can't see either of them wanting to date other people while they're with you. Have you told them that they have the option?"
"They'd both rather focus on the relationship with me."
"See. Maybe feelings will change in the future, but you're asking two traditional men to do something non-traditional, and you need to have patience. Don't try to force them into something none of you are ready for."
"I'm not trying to force anything. I'm only doing this because they both said okay when I asked. If they said no, I would accept it and move accordingly, but that's not what happened. I know the risks that we're all taking, and so do they. I'm not holding them hostage," Nayeli said defiantly.
"You don't have to. They love you enough to do it to themselves, hence you giving them free rein to be hoes and them both telling you they don't want it. Since when do niggas turn down free pussy? I'm not knocking your decision. I just want you to be realistic and understand the position you're putting yourself in. You're stressing over them not being cool but it hasn't even been a month since you got back. Two niggas that hate each other aren't flipping overnight. Your shit's gonna be messy for a while." It was time for her to accept that, and Max could tell she didn't want to by the pout on her face, "What happened after you got to the table?"
"It was awkward. I didn't know who to hug first, and I didn't want to make them feel like I was happier to see one or the other, so I let them decide. Ezra almost didn't hug me."
"I wouldn't have hugged your ass either. You parade somebody else in my face, it's gon be consequences and repercussions, but that's just me."
"You're not helping," Nayeli exhaled and rubbed her eyebrows, thankful that she hadn't taken the time to fill them in so she could massage freely.
"So we're talking, or I'm doing most of the talking trying to explain why I wanted them both there. The energy at the table was just off, and I could tell that Ezra needed more attention from me, so I'm listening to what he has to say, and Max, these fools start going back and forth like they don't care it's about fifty people watching us. For like two seconds, I thought they were going to find way to move the table." Had she actually been late or left them alone longer, they probably would have.
"Why is that surprising?"
"Because he's not usually combative."
"He's a man, and there was another man that's in love with you in front of him. Isaiah may not be combative by nature, but he's not soft. The nigga fights death and wins for a living," Max reminded her.
But Nayeli never thought about it that way because the only time Isaiah ever got aggressive with her was in the bedroom, and she loved that. Outside of that activity, all she knew from him was softness. He hardly even cursed around her.
"I get that, but he told me he was okay with me dating Ezra before we left for Antigua."
"Oh, I doubt he said that."
"Well, he didn't say it like that exactly, but I had permission."
"Duckie," Max sighed and scooted closer to her sister, patting her curls like she was a confused child. Lanai took the short break in conversation as a signal to join, gabbing until Nayeli walked over to pick her up and burp her, "I admire and envy your bravery. If I had the balls to do what you're doing, I'd probably be a menace, and we just don't need that type of chaos in the world. You were ditzy for thinking them meeting up without you was a good idea, but you got nerve! I'll give you that. Did anything else happen that day?"
Nayeli was back to feeling defeated because Maxine highlighted the very large holes in her burgeoning relationship. Both men were only agreeing for her benefit, and the chances of their hearts changing were greater than she anticipated, which left her with the impression that it was only a matter of time before the rug was pulled out from underneath her feet again. Enter newfound sense of dread.
"I asked Ezra what he needed from me to make the relationship work, and he made me tell him why I love him then why I love Isaiah. He didn't think I was capable of loving them both."
"And you gave him a real answer?" Max stared at her in disbelief, taking Lanai out of her hands when she smelled the dirty diaper funking up the room.
"Of course. I can't be in a situation that demands transparency and not be transparent. What other choice did I have?"
"You had a few choices you could've made."
"Like what? Refusing to answer when I'm the one that started the conversation? Lying? I'm not doing that. I want to go into this as ethically as possible, but it's not like the transparency helped. He thinks I love Isaiah more."
"No. I love them equally," Nayeli stated plainly, no change in expression, no weird shifting. She meant it, but Max pushed her lips out and turned her head to the side.
"I'm not going to tell you that you can't love two people at once, but I don't think it's possible to love them equally. There's always a favorite."
"Hm." Maxine was in awe of her younger sister. Where she expected confusion because it was what she would've felt in that position, Nayeli's mind was made up. Instead of worrying about what other people would think, she was more concerned with compromising and making sure that everyone was happy. There was a level of maturity there that Max realized she didn't possess, and despite telling Nayeli was she wasn't ready for what she was asking for, she recognized that the little girl that used to "borrow" her clothes was more prepared than most, "You sound set on this and determined to work it out. I hope you can."
"I feel like that's a natural response, but why?"
"Because after all that happened, Ezra walked out. It was like watching my heart run away from me and not being able to go after it."
"But you went after him obviously."
"Yeah. Isaiah told me to."
"Okay, now you've lost me."
"My first instinct was to get up and go, but Isaiah was still at the table, and I didn't want to make him feel a way. He saw me struggling with it and told me to go get him. He also apologized because he was intentionally being an asshole to him. It was just a mess all around."
"So you went after EJ and then what?"
"We went back and forth for a minute and he basically told me he feels like I have a bond with Isaiah that I don't and never had with him and that he couldn't do it. I told him I wouldn't ask him to try again and made sure it was okay for me to pick Tati up the next day, and I went back inside. I was just going to leave with Isaiah after that, but Ezra was still by the parking lot when we came out. He asked me if we could revisit the conversation the next day, and I told him if he was serious, yes we could talk about it. I get to his house in the morning ready to take the baby out, and he tells me Brandy is coming to get her for the day because we had business to handle."
"I thought so, too, but he actually ended up taking me to this spa in Terrace Hills. We fooled around in the sauna and got couples massages and body scrubs. We went to lunch, went home, fooled around some more and then we had the real conversation. Max, I was shitting fucking bricks." Talking about it made Nayeli feel the feelings all over again. It didn't matter that that day ended on a positive note. She had PTSD from the anxiety of it all, "Like there were multiple times I felt like my asshole was going to explode. I felt like I was going to throw up. It was bad, but we ended up having the most productive conversation. It gave me hope right up until the end."
"I've been doing research, and the most basic rule for polyamory seems to be honesty. I want to embody that because I'm not a cheater and don't want to be one. But Ezra doesn't want any information. He knows that Isaiah is my boyfriend, and he doesn't want to know anything else. I'm worried that the line of honesty might become blurred because I believe omission is a form of lying which puts me at a disadvantage. He also wants nothing to do with a calendar schedule, and he doesn't want to hang out as a group, so for the foreseeable future, I'm going to be stressed to high heaven making sure I'm spending equal time with them both and still have time for myself while taking care of Tati," Nayeli finished explaining with a long breath.
Max only shook her head, "For the life of me, I do not understand why your ass wants to take care of two men, but more power to you. As long as you're all treating each other right, who am I to judge?"
"Honestly, without the time factor, it's not hard. They both take such good care of me that it's easy to do the same for them. Isaiah basically worships the ground I walk on. I know I'm loved. I know I'm respected. I know I'm cared for. I know I'm safe. So doing anything for him is not a problem. With Ezra, I don't have to lift a finger unless I want to, and even then he's lifting with me. When he's not being a petty little bitch, he is the most supportive partner ever. Nobody's ever believed in my dreams like he does. People tell you all the time that they support you while thinking and hoping you'll fail. He's different, probably because he has businesses of his own so he understands, but he's about his shit. His support is real, and I'm not just talking about financially. He's sent clients to me. He's helped me pack and deliver orders for parties. He's advertised the bakery without me asking. He—"
"I get it, I get it. They do for you, you do for them. Equal exchange and all that," Max cut her off, not needing the long, drawn out explanation. "If you're happy, that's all that matters, Duckie. The last year has been wild for you. Like to be real with you, I don't get how you haven't folded yet with everything that's gone on. In your shoes? I'd be origami, no bullshit. You are the strongest person I know, and I hope you guys are able to make it work. I've had the opportunity to see you with them both, and there's no doubt that love exists between you and them. With Isaiah, you could kill someone and he'd either take the fall or help you get rid of the body and cover your tracks. EJ's always had it bad for you. That didn't change, but I see that you've changed toward him."
"You're guarded now, not that I blame you. He screwed up, but you used to look at him like he was Zeus or some shit. I can tell that you still love him, but you hold back."
"I don't trust him to stay," Nayeli admitted, and her shoulders sank an inch. She hated feeling that way, constantly being worried in the back of her mind. Her heart was what made her keep going because her brain told her that the clock was ticking, and sooner or later their time would run out.
"Then why are you trying to rebuild a relationship with him?"
"I love him, and I want him to prove me wrong."
Max had plenty to say. Some of it had already been said, but she planned to keep the rest to herself. As much as she wanted to protect Nayeli, Baby Love was going to do what she wanted, and as a big sister, she had to let it happen and just be there when it all went to hell.
Not without stirring the pot, though, "What are you gonna tell Mommy and Daddy? Hell, Big Momma and PawPaw, too? I feel like Nana and Poppy would be into some shit like that."
"Ask me again in a few months. We have to see if there's going to be anything for me to tell them." No sense in getting everyone worked up if she'd be back to being a one man woman several weeks later.
"Fair enough. Who else have you told?"
"Literally, no one. Angelo is like his closest friend out here. Anything I say to Morgan will be turned into pillow talk, and I know Ezra does not want this circulating. Brittany would get triggered the second I opened my mouth, and April......I just don't want to hear 'if you like it, I love it' because that's not a supportive statement."
"Okay, but if this is the way that you guys have decided to live, people are going to find out. Briton Beach isn't that big. All of your friends will know eventually."
"I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and I'll let him be the one to share that information if or when he's ready," Nayeli said, having already decided on her plan of action, "We have bigger things to worry about anyway."
"Like Ezra wants to sit down with a woman he's had relations with for a conversation."
"Bish whet?" Max's eyes narrowed into slits as she dodged Lanai's hand flying toward her face, "No, seriously. For fucking what? He tryna add her to the triangle and make it a square?"
"Apparently she and her husband have an open relationship and he wants advice. I can't talk shit either because I asked Isaiah to do the exact same thing with a polyamorous woman he used to be with. I'm hoping this will be helpful. I'll have two different perspectives to go off of moving forward."
"Uh uh, you mothafuckas are TOO free for me." Shaking her head and waving her hand in front of her face, it was confirmed for Max that that could never be her. She hated running into exes at the grocery store or just around town in general. To willingly meet up with them and talk about a new relationship or ask one of those hoes for advice? She couldn't do it, "Are you ready to sit in front of women they've fucked and speak like y'all are cool?"
"Neither of the women have wronged me, so I don't harbor any resentment for them. I'm sure it'll be weird as hell, but I'll be alright," Nayeli shrugged, the confidence in her voice masking the fact that she was fucking terrified of what was going to happen next.
I'm crazy. I have to be. There's no other explanation for this, Nayeli thought, keeping her grip on Isaiah's hand tight as they walked through freshly clipped grass and around the groups in chairs and on blankets. Tide Park was filled with pockets of people enjoying the break in the heatwave with live jazz playing on the amphitheater stage, food, alcoholic beverages in pouches and snow cones being sold at the concession stand.
There were couples dancing, kids chasing each other with water and bubble guns, families just having fun. The atmosphere was relaxed and light-hearted, but her feet felt heavy like they wanted to sink into the earth and keep her from making a grave mistake.
"Babe, do you wanna leave?" It was the third time Isaiah asked her that since they parked a few blocks down and made the walk. Like the previous times, she answered no while trying to chew through her lip.
"I feel like this needs to be done. We have no support, and I don't want to keep walking blindly. You said she's cool. I trust your judgement," she told him, squeezing his hand a little tighter. He squeezed back and leaned down to kiss her head when they stopped to let a group of friends head down the cement stairs where more people were seated on benches and in boxes.
They bypassed the staircases and ventured to the hill on the left side of the stage. That area was less crowded, and without Isaiah having to point her out, she knew exactly who they were looking for.
Her deep brown skin glowed, and she rocked from side to side on a colorful, crocheted blanket, long black twists flipped to the right and covering part of her face. Even from a distance, Nayeli could see that she was the type to make someone do a double take.
Dressed in worn jean shorts that were frayed at the bottom and a tight tank top that revealed a sliver of her midriff and the outline of a belly ring, the woman looked at them and stood immediately, meeting them at the edge of her blanket as she gasped.
"Izzy, she's gorgeous! Well done." Aubrie cheesed and went straight for Isaiah's face, kissing him a little too close to his mouth as she wrapped him in a tight hug. Nayeli froze, unsure of how she felt about the interaction. Her chest tightened, and she began to feel warm as her guts tangled themselves up. It hurt to swallow, and the jagged breath she took hardly reached her lungs. Then Aubrie shuffled toward her with the same smile as she wrapped her arms around Nayeli and rubbed her back, "Sorry, Honey. I got excited. I didn't mean to cross a line. It's wonderful to meet you. I'm Aubrie."
"T-thank you," Nayeli stuttered, not expecting the level of affection Aubrie dished out. The woman was several inches taller than her, and the fresh scent of her body oil was intoxicating. Her presence in general was a force to be reckoned with. Nayeli felt smaller than usual almost immediately, "Nayeli. It's nice to meet you, too."
"Sit, sit! My partner left to get us drink pouches, but he should be back soon." Aubrie invited them onto the blanket. Nayeli slid her sandals off and stepped on the soft material, lowering herself to the ground. Isaiah sat on the other side of her, intentionally putting space between himself and Aubrie, "Were you able to find a decent parking spot?"
"Yeah, a couple was leaving right when we pulled up," Isaiah answered her.
"You lucked out. I told you to get here earlier. Have you guys eaten?"
"We came straight from the restaurant."
Nayeli sat quietly as they made small talk, twisting the hem of her maxi dress in her fingers. A part of her expected to be excluded because although she could tell that he was trying to downplay it in her presence, she saw that Isaiah's connection with the woman was alive and well.
But Aubrie effortlessly moved the conversation between the three of them, made sure to make eye contact and an effort to form a connection with Nayeli, who was bothered and unbothered at the same time.
"Are you okay?" Aubrie asked her after recognizing her tense posture.
"I'm slightly overwhelmed." It was better to tell the truth than try to sell a lie. She wouldn't succeed anyway. To Nayeli, Aubrie technically hadn't done anything wrong, and if she was able to accomplish what she wanted, that kind of contact was something she would have to accept the same way she expected acceptance from Ezra and Isaiah.
"I understand. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?"
"I think I'm okay. I asked for this. I just have to suck it up."
"No, you don't. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't force it. That goes for anything."
She appreciated Aubrie's approach to it, even smiled gratefully when the latter placed a comforting hand on her leg, "It's not that I'm not ready. I just don't know what to expect emotionally, and I want to process my feelings in a healthy way. This is my first time seeing Isaiah interact with another woman. I didn't know how I was going to feel in the moment, and I don't want to project."
"Eeeeeeeeee, talk dirty to me!" Aubrie squealed and bit the knuckle of her index finger, laughing at an inside joke, "Sorry. Emotional intelligence makes me hot. If at any point in time you feel like I'm crossing a line, whether it's something I say or something I do, please tell me. Once I'm comfortable with a person, I'm pretty much that way forever, and I have to remind myself that everyone's boundaries are not the same. Call me out."
"Will do. Isaiah told me you're a doctor?"
"Board certified pathologist with a focus in forensics."
"What's that like?" Nayeli asked and tried not to be intimidated.
"Stressful, stressful, and more stressful. I've been thinking about leaving the police department and going back to a hospital, but as morbid as my job is, I love it. In a way, it makes me feel like Harrow but not as daring. I couldn't keep my job doing what he did. No complexion for protection. A psychiatrist will be getting money out of me for the rest of my life, though."
"Did you always want to be a pathologist?"
"For the most part. I had a personal motive for it, but I will say that once I started med school, I was half and half between pathology and neurology. I love mysteries. I love discoveries. I grew up on Forensic Files and Bones, Law & Order and all that. I loved studying the nervous system and wanted to be a researcher for cognitive disabilities. But I matched into the pathology program and didn't want to go through a reapplication process when I wasn't disappointed with the outcome. Here we are." Aubrie shrugged and leaned back on her hands which pushed her ample chest out. Nayeli pretended not to notice Isaiah looking, "Wait a second because something just clicked in my head. Your name's Nayeli. You own the bakery on Azure Road or is there another Nayeli in the city?"
"There might be another one in the city, but that's my bakery."
"Honey, I love your pastries. We have them at the precinct every week. I've gained five pounds from your strawberry cheesecake croissants alone." Aubrie proceeded to pinch her flat stomach, and Nayeli playfully rolled her eyes.
"Make sure to get them while you can. This is the last week they're on the menu. We're transitioning into fall flavors next week."
"I will pay you any price for a personal box. I needs my croissants!"
Nayeli jumped when Aubrie grabbed both of her hands out of nowhere and bounced them the way a child would. She couldn't help but laugh and fall into a place of comfort with her boyfriend's former lover. It was hard not to when everything about her was inviting.
"We might be able to work something out."
Out of the corner of her eye, Isaiah visibly relaxed, and that was when she realized that he'd been just as nervous as she was. He seemed calm, cool, and collected before. Now she knew the truth. She was happy to not be alone in her unease and happy that things appeared to be going well for the time being.
"All I need is a number. I'm not stingy with money. Are your menus a surprise or may I know what's coming?"
"Caramel and candied apples, caramel apple turnovers, salted dark chocolate and almond toffee, iced oatmeal cookies, the standard snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies. I'm not getting fancy with anything else just yet."
"Yeah, be prepared to see my face because I need all of that."
As their conversation continued, Aubrie noticed Nayeli becoming more relaxed while Isaiah looked like he wanted to check out.
She didn't like being a sneaky person, but she felt the need to meddle because Isaiah didn't say too much when he called her to arrange their meet up. He sounded vague and hesitant when he explained why he was making what he considered to be a weird request. She didn't want to push the envelope too much but felt the need to test them both.
Nayeli's hands were warm and soft in hers, and the freckles on her cheeks looked like their own tiny galaxy. She blinked, long lashes kissing her cheekbones, and Aubrie lost her train of thought as they sat in an intense stare off. Her gaze flicked to Isaiah for a second before returning her focus to Nayeli.
"Your eyes are so captivating," Aubrie said, almost breathless and a little hot herself, "I bet you could bring somebody to their knees with a look."
"I've...never tried." Nayeli began to squirm. She'd never had a woman look at her the way Aubrie was. If she had, she wasn't a witness to it.
"I'd be happy to be a guinea pig."
"She doesn't swing that way," Isaiah said quickly, grabbing Nayeli's hands and pulling them out of Aubrie's. He purposely sat away from Aubrie to give Nayeli some peace of mind, and now he felt like he needed to be worried about his past snatching his present when he was already fighting her past.
"A lot of women don't until they do." Aubrie's smirk pissed him off, so he asked the one thing he knew would humble her.
Nayeli felt the atmosphere shift at the mention of another woman's name. She recalled Isaiah first telling her about Aubrie and their dating experience. Summer was the girlfriend that made him walk away.
"Playing house with a woman in Atlanta." Aubrie wasn't amused with the inquiry but didn't allow it affect her too much, "We broke up about five months ago."
"You're not, and I don't expect you to be. We weren't right for each other. As soon as I accepted that and stopped trying to find a way to make it work, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Oh good, he's back. Nayeli, this is my life partner—"
Nayeli's surprise and panic was evident as she stared up at her ex-boyfriend with wide eyes. She saw him last at Morgan's house a little over a month ago. He looked at her then Isaiah, and she just knew word was going to spread to Angelo. Fuck.
"What's up, Nye? What are you doing here?" Whatever he was feeling, he played it off as he set the drink pouches in a cooler weighing down a corner of the blanket and bent down to hug Nayeli and dap Isaiah up. At least they were cool, but she started to feel sick when she realized there weren't many degrees of separation between her relationships.
"I'm trying to figure that out myself. I should've planned this better," she said, poorly attempting to hide her discomfort.
"You're fine, Honey. You two know each other well?" Aubrie asked with a smile that Nayeli couldn't read.
"We went through undergrad together and dated before I left for law school," Bryce answered, placing a straw into the drink pouch with blue liquid before he handed it to Aubrie and kissed her cheek. She giggled as he peppered her neck with smooches and reached up to rub the back of his head.
"Small world, but now we know we have something in common." The glint in her eyes made alarms go off in Bryce's head.
"Whoa! I know that look, chill out. Nye doesn't get down like us, Brie. She'll be in confession two hours later."
Nayeli snorted. She held her faith close to her chest the same way she always did, but Bryce was thinking of the old version of her, not that she could blame him. They were cool, but they weren't close. They didn't know much about each other anymore, hence the predicament they were currently in.
"I'm lying?" Bryce asked.
"Perhaps," Nayeli said, "I obviously don't know what look you're talking about or what it means, but my days of running to confession are over."
"See? How do you know she doesn't get down like us? People change over the years." The mischievous smile on Aubrie's face caused Isaiah's back to straighten. He thought he made himself clear when he told her that Nayeli wasn't into women.
"We're not here to set up group activity," he stated, putting a protective hand on Nayeli's waist and shifting her closer to him on the blanket. She felt the tension radiating off of his body and rubbed his knee to calm him down, "We're in a bind, and she wants your advice." His second sentence came out less aggravated.
Nayeli was unsure about the nature of their conversation until she heard 'group activity'. That was the moment her eyes grew to the size of a grapefruit, "What exactly did you tell her?" she asked, even more terrified because Bryce could only make assumptions before. The cat would absolutely be out of the bag now.
"That you wanted to talk to her about us having an open relationship. I should've been more specific. That's my fault." He'd left a lot open-ended, intentionally and unintentionally. That choice left him with interesting karma.
Aubrie's postured changed immediately, face contrite, "I sincerely apologize for what I said and my behavior. I read all of the signals wrong and jumped to conclusions. I did not mean to make you feel violated in any way."
"You didn't," Nayeli assured her, "To be honest, I was confused for a second, but yeah, we're not here for that." Isaiah relaxed more at her conformation. She continued to rub his knee, looking at him to make sure that he was okay. When she saw the look on his face, she leaned over to kiss him. He rested his forehead on hers for the briefest of seconds.
"It won't happen again, and I'm happy to help out however I can. What kind of advice do you need?"
"To state it plainly, I want to understand the ins and outs of polyamory. I'm in love with two men, and I plan on committing to both of them. But this has never happened to me before, so I'm struggling because I feel guilty for it. I feel selfish. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone, and it seems that I will whether I want to or not. All because I can't help the way I feel. How do I move in this situation? What conversations do I need to have? Will I ever get to a point where I don't feel all the negative things that come with this new situation? Am I eventually going to have to choose between them? Because I've already made it clear that's not happening. But if I did choose, would that make me stop feeling like a greedy bitch or will it just turn into a different feeling? Do you ever deal with thoughts like this?"
"First of all, you're not doing anything wrong. Let's get that out of the way now. You're being honest about what you want. Do you know how many people are walking around giving their partners hell because they're afraid to do what you're doing? I'd say about 98 percent of the population. Love is a life force. It can't be controlled, and it'll make you grow in ways you never knew you needed. Take every opportunity you can to feel it," Aubrie said passionately, "But I tell anyone that's curious about ethical non-monogamy that there is no playbook. Every dynamic is different. You set your rules and parameters. When you're new to it, the first year, maybe even first few years, are all trial and error for the most part. You're going to be pissed off. There will be hurt feelings. Working through that is going to take a mountain of patience on everyone's part. There are nights you'll be talked out, but they're necessary. Everything is a conversation in polyamory if you want to do it the right way. In my opinion, at least. Like I said, relationships have different dynamics. You have some that are fine with dating outside of their primary partners, but they don't want details. In that case, everything is not a conversation. Some couples only date people together and separate relationships aren't allowed. There are open poly and closed poly dynamics, mono-poly dynamics. You do what works for your relationship."
Once again, Nayeli was feeling overwhelmed and confused, "I think I might need a glossary or something. Open poly? Closed poly? Mono-poly? Primary partner? What does all of that mean?"
"For open poly, couples or individuals in a relationship are free to pursue partners separately and/or together. The additional partners can interact, but they don't have to. The term for that specific dynamic when they don't is parallel polyamory, and the partners are referred to as metamours. The partner they share might be called a hinge. Closed poly involves an established relationship, whether it's a triad, quad, polycule, and it being closed means while they have multiple partners within the relationship, pursuing partnership outside of the relationship could be considered cheating. Mono-poly is when one person in the relationship is polyamorous while the other is monogamous. Personally, I feel like that style isn't successful most of the time, but it can be if done right. Your primary partner is who you spend the most time with, who you were with when you opened your relationship, your legal spouse, or someone you live with and/or have children with. Some people refer to them as nesting partners. So for example, Bryce and I are primary partners, and while we do spend time apart, we live together most of the time but keep separate homes in the event we need space. He has another girlfriend, and she also has a primary partner that she lives with. I'm currently dating two other people, one with a primary partner of their own and one without."
Her mind was blown, but she knew one thing for sure, "I don't want a primary partner," Nayeli said.
"I don't want a hierarchy issue. It's important to me that the relationships feel equal for them both."
"Difficult but not impossible. The term primary partner might make it sound like there's hierarchy, but whether or not there is, is completely up to you. Like I said, you set the rules for your relationship."
"How do you guys make it work?"
"We have hierarchy over here," Aubrie said quickly with a smile, "It's not my preference, but it works for us. We respect each other's autonomy, but we run everything by each other; all dates, vacations, important decisions, play nights, although we're usually together for those. We don't do anything without discussing it first."
"Your other partners are okay with that?"
"It's something that we talk about early on in any new relationships. If they don't agree, we go our separate ways because it's likely the relationship won't work in the end."
"Do you think it's better to do it that way?"
"It works for us. We've tried a few different things, but what works for our relationship might not work for yours. Don't use us as the blueprint."
"I don't have anyone else to go off of."
"Make it what you want it to be," Aubrie instructed, "That's the beauty of polyamory. Your relationship structure is yours to create. If I've learned anything about relationships over the years, monogamous, polyamorous, friendships, doesn't matter, it's that comparisons, society's expectations and fear of perception can kill a partnership quick, fast, and in a hurry. And make no mistake, a partnership can be killed while people are still together. Evil eye is real, so be careful who you share with. Asking for advice is one thing. You never want to model your relationship after someone else's because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors or what it took for them to get there. Support and solidarity are nice, but you have to do what's best for your relationship."
"How did you learn all of this? Is there a book?" Nayeli was amazed and wanted to know more. She had a library card and money to spend. Where was the source material?
"There are books, podcasts, YouTube channels, TikToks, but I grew up with polyamorous parents. I have three moms and two dads and—"
Aubrie chuckled at her reaction, "My parents split when I was about three or four. My mom never remarried, but my dad has two wives and a husband. They live on a compound in Sacramento. I spent every summer and all holiday breaks in a polyamorous household, so the things I learned just came with growing up. I've never been any other way. I don't believe in choosing either. I am who I am, and if someone is for me, lovely. If they're not for me, that's okay, but the heart wants what it wants. I'm not going to tell it no, and I've never felt like a greedy bitch, as you so eloquently put it, because my partners always have the freedom to pursue other people. I don't believe in the bondage of monogamy. We're human, and all humans have urges. All humans crave variety. All humans have needs that can't be fulfilled by a single individual, and I also think it's inherently selfish to expect that from one individual. If you ask me, monogamous folks are the greedy bitches and bastards. Share the wealth," she finished with a shrug and picked up one of the drink pouches out of the cooler, "Did you want one?"
"Mine is Blue Hawaiian. I think this one is a Bahama Mama. This is Long Island Iced Tea, this one is a Tequila Sunrise, Cosmopolitan, and Rum Punch."
"I'll take the Bahama Mama," Nayeli said. Isaiah opted out of drinking but helped her open hers. The first sip was sweet and cooling, "So I've told Isaiah and Ezra that I think they should pursue other people and neither of them want to. That's contributing to me feeling like a greedy bitch."
"Please, don't let me be the Debbie downer. I've had bad experiences, but mono-poly dynamics can work. I've actually seen it work with a woman and two men. It just takes a lot of maturity, communication and patience, but can I ask you something?"
"Are you sure you want them to see other people? I saw the look on your face when I kissed Izzy on the cheek." The reminder brought back some light stinging, but for the most part, Nayeli was okay with it.
"I don't necessarily want them to see other women. I just feel like it's fair for them to have the option. Like how can I expect them to only be with me while I have them both?"
"If that's what you want, it's what you want. They're big boys. They have the option to say no to anything they don't agree with, but I think it's big of you to even put it on the table, especially with you being new to this and not necessarily wanting that for them. It shows you know how to and that you're willing to compromise. I can tell you've been doing research and that you're already starting to unlearn unhealthy habits. It's good that your mind is open. It needs to be. Why don't you want to date other women, Izzy? Weren't you seeing someone else when we dated?"
"I was," Isaiah answered curtly, not wanting to think about that crazy bitch.
"What's the hold up this time around?"
"It's just not something I want to do. I'm trying to make life easier for us, not harder."
"But you're okay with her being in another relationship?"
"If it keeps her happy, yes." His tone made Nayeli start to shrink in on herself, and Aubrie noticed.
"Mmmm. Let's go get a cup of ice and leave the boys to chop it up." Aubrie stood up and held her hand out to Nayeli, hauling her off the blanket when she grabbed on and linking their elbows as she led her to the shortest of the concession stand lines, "This is really messing with you, isn't it?" she asked when there was distance between them and the men.
"Yes, oh my gosh! I just don't know what to do. I naively thought I could make all of this come together without any instruction or idea of what I was doing. I thought we were in a place where, yeah, we might have some difficulty, but at the end of the day, we figure it out. When I don't have to think about logistics, I'm good. But I can't do that. Not talking about this makes me feel like I'm hiding a part of myself, and I hate it," Nayeli sighed and took a long sip from her drink pouch.
"Have they asked you who you love more?"
"Not in those exact words, but Ezra did."
"I don't know how to explain that I love them equally. For different reasons but equally all the same. He doesn't believe that, and neither does my sister."
"I believe you. I've been there before. It's part of why Summer and I broke up. She swore she came second to Bryce when I spent more time with her than anything. She caused a lot of problems for our relationship in general, but that's neither here nor there." Aubrie waved a hand dismissively, "They're going to need constant reassurance from you for the relationship to work out in the beginning. Things will settle with time."
"That's what I'm hoping for, but I had a hard time getting Ezra on board, and all the reassurance in the world won't make him feel better about this. He's, I guess, allowing it in a sense, but he doesn't want details."
"And you want to be open with him about everything."
"Yes. We don't lie to each other. I definitely don't want to start with this."
"Why try if he's that against it?"
"I still want to be with him, as stupid as it sounds when I actually think about it, and Isaiah means entirely too much to me to ever walk away. Ezra's already broken up with me once, so although it sucks, I know I can live without him, but I don't want to. With Isaiah.....I don't know what I'd do without him. He's been a part of my life for close to a decade, and I've always cared deeply for him. We've confided in each other, we've wiped each other's tears, we've helped each other out of dark places. These last few months with him have been nothing but amazing, and I want that to continue. I literally can't imagine my life without him in it. I'd be perfectly content if I could live harmoniously with them both."
"They'd have to want that for it to work." There was the rub.
"I know," Nayeli sighed again, looking down at her feet in what felt like shame. Aubrie unlinked their elbows and put her arm around Nayeli instead.
"You're in a serious pickle, Honey," she said after releasing her from the side hug,
"When it comes down to choosing, choose yourself, every time. You're no good to another person if you're a mess in the head, so choose happiness. Whatever that looks like for you. One person, two people, several, none at all, whatever nourishes your soul. If they don't agree, tough titty. Don't send yourself to an early grave trying to be a people pleaser."
Nayeli could've used that advice a few different times in her life, but she was thankful to hear it when she did. They spoke here and there as the drink line moved slowly. She was glad she asked Isaiah to do this. She would never claim to be an expert in anything, but she no longer felt completely clueless. They finally got their cups of ice and started to make their way back to the other side of the park.
"I feel like this is a stupid question because sacrifice comes with any relationship, but I'm imagining it's different in polyamory. Have you had to sacrifice anything for Bryce?" She was asking in hopes of having an example of something she might have to give up in the future. She couldn't think of anything then, but she wanted to be prepared.
"You're absolutely right. Sacrifice comes with any relationship. Truth be told, I lucked up with him. He's my life partner for a reason. I'm 100 percent myself with him, but yes. I have made sacrifices for him. I've missed out on time with friends. I've left trips early to come home for him. Lost a girlfriend, two if I count Lola and I feel like I shouldn't."
"You love him more than you loved them?"
"Not at all. Lola loved him as a partner. She only loved me as a friend. We were a throuple for a while, but I had another boyfriend at the time, so they ended up spending more time together, and she just bonded with him. Summer wanted me to herself and couldn't handle the fact that Bryce was there before her and would be after her if she ever decided to leave. She complained. She was rude and disrespectful. She would do little things to get under his skin. She made backhanded comments left and right. She asked me to marry her because she wanted to feel like she was better than him. She embarrassed us all in front of my parents. She tried to push him out constantly. My career is stressful enough. I need peace in my relationships, and with her, it started out great and turned into hell. Our relationship was beautiful when she wasn't worried Bryce, and that's what I wanted to hold onto but it just got unbearable, even after I made sure they wouldn't see each other. That's the only time Bryce has ever given me an ultimatum, and that's when I realized how bad things had gotten. I will never leave Bryce, and he will never leave me. We're soulmates, a literal perfect match. No one will ever understand me or accept me the way he does and vice versa. Anyone dating me has to understand that," Aubrie explained, and Nayeli started to feel nauseous when she considered the probability of either Ezra or Israel doing the same thing. She wasn't sure she'd be able to handle that.
"I'm glad you found your person, and I'm glad it's Bryce. He's one of the good ones."
"One of the great ones. Were you sad when you guys broke up?"
"Kind of but not really. We both knew it was coming. He was headed to Duke. I was going to San Francisco for culinary school, and I wasn't into the long distance thing. Not only that but I've always been vocal about wanting to be married, and I don't know if it's changed over the years, but that was a big no for him back then. It would've happened naturally if we tried to stay together. I was sad to lose someone close to me, but I wasn't sad about it ending. It was amicable, and we have mutual friends, so we're all cool."
"His cousin Angelo is married to my friend." The mental reminder of the two degrees of separation settled multiple sprinkles of fear on top of Nayeli's nausea. She had to talk to Bryce before they left.
"You're tight with Morgan? I love her! Did you grow up here too?" Aubrie asked excitedly.
"I did, and it's going to take a lot for me to leave. I love it here."
"I feel the same way. I tried to leave and found myself right back where I started." They were getting closer to the men now. There was still a fair distance between them, but the closer they got, the more Nayeli felt, "When did you know you were in love with Isaiah?"
Though she was surprised by the question, Nayeli knew and spat out the answer instantly, "Three days before his birthday. His shift ended late because of a call, and he was exhausted so instead of going out to eat, we stayed in bed. He let me be the big spoon for an hour before he flipped over. That's the most I've ever gotten out of him. He usually only gives me like ten or fifteen minutes before he wants his face on mine. I wasn't tired so I just watched him sleep like a freak. I guess he felt me putting a hole in his forehead. He opened his eyes, and all I wanted was for him to look at me that way forever."
"Honey, I like you," Aubrie said, swiftly correcting herself when she saw Nayeli start to panic, "Oh no! Not like that, I'm sorry. I meant as a person. You're down to earth with a little bit of innocence in you. I like your energy, and you have an exquisite face." The explanation didn't do any favors, but she didn't want to make Nayeli uncomfortable.
"Stop saying 'thank you' when people tell you that you're beautiful and start saying 'I know'. Watch the world change for you. Now, I know you have more questions. You're welcome to ask me anything. Don't hold back."
Nayeli did have more questions. Many more, "How do you juggle being with multiple people while working and socializing?"
"Get a calendar and some boundaries. Strong boundaries."
"I suggested that. It didn't go over well."
"Is Ezra anything like Izzy?"
"They both like soccer. They both like to look at my ass when I'm doing yoga. They both eat food. All things that can be built upon," Nayeli repeated the words she told Isaiah when she was trying to convince him that he could one day be cool with Ezra and avoid the awkward 'custody' battle over her. Aubrie's answering laugh startled a nearby toddler that was falling asleep with his head in his mother's lap.
"Stunning and funny. I see why they love you."
Nayeli almost said thank you again but caught herself and smiled, "Any more words of wisdom?"
"Be gentle with them," Aubrie started, tossing a few pieces of ice in her mouth to crunch on, "You're in a rush to turn this into a perfect situation, and it won't be. Not now or anytime soon. It's too new for all of you. Listen to them. Respect their truths. Don't be dismissive. Try not to get too frustrated. You have two people's emotions to take care of now, and they're going to need different things from you. You'll have some days where you feel stretched thin. When that happens, take time to pour into yourself. This life is not easy by any means, but when done right, it's more rewarding than anything you've experienced."
"You make it sound easy."
"I had a head start and still came across issues. We're all just figuring this life thing out as we go, so don't get down on yourself if something isn't easy for you. It's not as easy as the next person makes it look, either." That was true for any situation, not just relationships.
As they'd already had contact a few times, Nayeli didn't feel weird about reaching out to embrace Aubrie. Then and there, she was the only sense of comfort in an uncomfortable predicament, "Thank you for doing this. I can only imagine how your phone call with Isaiah went."
"Lord, my wires were all the way crossed. Again, I'm sorry about that."
"It's really okay, Aubrie. This went a thousand times better than I was expecting. I didn't know if I was going to hate you on the spot or if you would hate me and try to sabotage everything. It's really hard not to like you. I completely understand why you and Isaiah dated."
"I get why he's dating you, too. One more small piece of advice, though. Worry about him. He'll do what you ask because he loves you, but he wants you to himself. It took me a while to put two and two together because I'm not the best with people's names, but he talked about you when we dated. He talked about you a lot, now that I think back on it. He's been waiting for you, and this isn't me trying to stop you from pursuing what you want at all. But be careful."
That made Nayeli worry more than she had previously. In her mind, Israel was the one she didn't have to worry about, but she gathered that wasn't the best assumption to make. Hoping she hadn't bit off more than she could chew, Nayeli spoke once more.
"Can I ask you something that might seem strange?"
"Do you think it's possible that you could convince Bryce to keep today to himself? I'm not trying to hide anything from anyone, but Angelo is actually a friend of Ezra's and we haven't decided what or when to tell our friends. I don't want Ezra to be embarrassed."
"If he's embarrassed, the relationship isn't going to work for long, but I understand why you're asking. We have to tell people things in our own time, and I know what it's like to have that moment taken away from you. I'll make sure he keeps his mouth shut," Aubrie promised.
But that didn't mean everyone else would.
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