Card: The World - Reversed

Why is it that I aways seem to get off track, It feel like its so hard to order my thoughts, my tasks bounce around and around, so hard for me to focus on one thing at a time? Is that a symptom of the times we grew up in? Internet access that has torn my attention span to shreds? Is is that just the way I was born? My father says he has ADHD, and so does my little brother. In fact, they put him on pills when he was younger, but they took him off. My dad is pretty anti-medication but my mother isn't. Still, little brother felt weird about taking the pills, so they said he could stop.

Anyways, it's like the resistance. Sometimes when i'm trying new things that are challenging and uncomfortable, I feel the flow of the learning and its exhilarating. Other times I feel so completely lost, I don't even know where to begin to grasp something to learn about. In those moments it feels really scary and hard to learn things. I guess that's just something I'm learning about myself, but I have to keep learning this about myself because I keep on forgetting it. I have to learn in my own way and on my own terms. I shouldn't get upset that it will sometimes take me longer to grasp a scenario that others may grasp very quickly. I need to recognize that in myself and just go with it.

My friend Erich told me about this concept called the zone of Proximity Development (or ZPD). It's where you get challenged just enough that you're able to reach it, instead of getting throw headfirst into a gigantic task that is obviously immediately unsurmountable. I guess that's just something I need to keep working towards is breaking things down into bite-sized challenges. I need to recognize the things I don't know, and instead of glossing over them, realize I need to tackle them headfirst and not be so bummed that I don't know them.

Another thing that seems to be very helpful today is that I fully slept through the night. This past weekend my aunt told me about this melatonin gummies that help her sleep and my cousin sleep, so I happened to find them in target and bought them. It's not normally that I have problems getting to sleep initially, it's that I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep. I didn't even wake up one last night, but I knew that if I did, I would be able to eat one of those gummies and immediately drift off back to sleep. I think that even the thought of having a back-up plan enabled me to sleep through the night, however this is only the first night I've had with them. I'm curious to see what will happen these next few nights.

Card: The World

Well, it's funny how off track I got with this blog. I suppose I can blame it on being too busy for anything but to be fair, a lot has happened since the last post and now.

I got into the programming bootcamp I wanted to get into! It has been amazing, and I fee like it has really pushed me to new heights. It's been so scary and challenging, but I'm realizing that through struggling intellectually you're forged into a stronger person. That's something I do appreciate about this program, they just keep on going and do not stop. They're pulling you along for the ride the entire time, and I'm just trying to hang on. Honestly, it's inspiring how hard people can work and focus on things.. It sometimes makes me wonder what is wrong with me, or how normal is it to be able to focus on something so intently for so long. I feel like I have trouble getting my focus together unless I'm aided by chemicals like nicotine and caffeine.

Anyways, it's been going pretty well, and I feel like generally I'm been a bit unhealthy mentally and physically. Back when I was consistently writing those blog posts, I felt like I was on much more of a routine and sticking more consistently with it. But I really think that Walker's wedding through me out of synch with my routine. I have honestly dealt with my frustrations about getting thrown from my routines be events, friends or family in my life, but I've since reckoned with them.

I suppose that really is what life is about, getting tossed from what you know in life out into the unknown. Life is so chaotic, in spite of humans wanted to systematism and order everything around us.

That's one big thing I've had to embrace and consistatnly remnid myself of. I wouldn't go as far as some meldoramtics to say that life IS suffering, but it is about constantly struggling. You are going to have to struggle with everything for the rest of your life until you die, and thats what being a human being is.

I used think think:"well, what's the point to life then? If it's all suffering, then why Don't I just end it?"

And you know, that line of thought can make sense. It may be hard to remember this, but the whole of human existence is saying "yes instead of "no". The way we evolved and continued evolving, (as we are still evolving today) is all about growth. Do you think growth is comfortable and easy? No, it is unclear, scary, and painful. But, that is the fate we are assigned to as humans. At any point, the living cells that make up our bodies can just say "nope" and quit out on us, but they don't.

Fighting to stay alive and continue to go is all we are as humans. There's a lyrics from the Power Trip's thrash-metal song Waiting Around to Die that I really enjoy that says: Human "being" has lost its meaning when you refuse to fight.