amandurrz

during clinic, I’m realizing that I take things personally and it really affects myself mentally. i.e. I disliked how my secondary was telling me what to do and wasted time by complaining. I’m in the middle of creating a treatment plan and if you look at my effin screen, you would see that. Also, if time is an issue for you, I had dismissed you at 12pm. If possible, plz do NOT pair with the 3 other girls in my cohort. they are NOT as lovely as I’d hope they be. 

also, it sucks not getting helpful feedback from the Attending Physician in regards to the skin concerns for my pt today. even though the pt was able to resolve the skin condition on her own, I honestly didn’t know what to recommend and had to go with my gut. 

I’m finding myself going with my gut more often. 

today, I got confirmation that my ex and one of my friends are dating. I get that the girl and I weren’t ever super close, but I thought we got along decently well. I’m just in disbelief that she would throw away a good relationship where she was treated well and replacement it with my ex. it doesn’t make sense to me b/c she knows that he had cheated on me and treated me like shit yet somehow ends up with him. that really boggles me. w/e happened b/w them in the last year must have been quite substantial for her to do a complete 180. I just hope she is NOT being manipulative or going through any mental struggles herself. it’s crazy cause you always hear about drama b/w best friends dating each other partners in high school. I just never imaged it’d happen to me (even though Steph isn’t a bff), which is probably why it’s a good thing I don’t have too many female friends. 

on Tuesday my dad passed away. he was reported to have passed away peacefully while sitting on the porch up in the Mountains in SC. it’s a decent way to pass but out of blue. It wasn’t until I called my mom to rely the news that I started bawling my eyes out. so it was esp. rough Tuesday and Weds. I’m currently hanging in there and distracting myself with school and FWS. 

after FWS today, I met up with a mentee who I adopted. She’s Japanese and from HI. I’m glad that she reached out for my help and I do hope my rambling was of some use to her today lol. At the same time, I’m not sure if she realized that she was teary up and crying. If I made eye contact with her for too long, I nearly cried too. I’m thankful for her and super glad to have met her. sad to say, but she might be the asian classmate who I relate you about cultural things and will be replacing Steph. I am a bit upset with Steph but she has her reasons and when she’s ready to fess up, I’ll be here. if not, then there wasn’t much of a friendship then.

clinic this quarter is okay. one shift is busy while the other is pretty slow (but productive). I’m constantly striving to see the bright side

for future self: have them sign some sort of contract to enforce them that they are borrowing books that do NOT belong to them. 

sometime last week, I dreamt of James. We were simply lying next to one another and I thought to myself we’ll see what happens. as a manifesting generator, I tend to wait for others to initate an action before responding accordingly. he eventually just wrapped one arm around me for a cuddle.

last night, it was Kyle N. that had been sleeping besides me. my mom walked in and seemed a little surprised but just talked to me like norm before leaving. This dream stems from my past when Kyle used to hang out with me in the mornings before school. 

I’m going back to VA this week to support my family emotionally. It’s weird cause I don’t know how I feel about the situation that’s going to be arising. I’m not really sure what to do when I arrive. The only thing that comes to mind is just being present for when my mom needs a shoulder to cry on. It’s really sad to think how quickly my grandfather is degenerating b/c of the disease (and old age). I’m excited to see family but at the same time it’s not the ideal circumstance for bringing everyone together. 

I’ve been trying to go more with the flow b/c that’s all we can do with the unpredictability of COVID dictating how my school runs, while also keeping an optimistic outlook on life and trusting Mother Earth and the universe with the path they have in store for me. 

Being home for my summer break was nice. It was comforting to see old friends but at the same time things aren’t the same because of time. Maybe I’m overthinking it or maybe it’s one of those friendships where I’m going to have to accept that we’re moving apart. I was also super disappointed that none of my close colleagues from med school had wished me a happy birthday last month. Does getting older really lose its finese? It made me question why I bothered to make an effort to celebrate my colleagues’ bday but they can’t do the same for me. *sighs* but I shouldn’t expect things. 

this past week, I have already felt the exhaustion of having to take care of myself and the partner. it’ll be nice to have my mom’s support in taking care of me as I transition back to being full-time at 20+ credits. I dunno. I’m sad that my time w/my partner was short but idk maybe it’s for the best? even though we both feel the same way about each other, I worry whether it’ll work b/c of the distance and the time apart (and time I spent on school instead of the relationship). 

also, I do miss my classmates and was glad I got to see two of them in person last week. but at the same time, I would’ve loved to see a few others or at least have been invited to join them on hikes and/or study sessions. maybe I need to be more assertive. at least with fam, I know they won’t disapopint nor flake.